Hey! So, in reading this story - I have to say that the first thing that stuck out to me is that it's missing the wonderful descriptions you put into your challenge fiction. I know not a lot of people don't write about Percy or Audrey - so I'd have liked to see a little invention. We know you can do it, but seeing as this was supposed to be a super short spot, I can see why. But you have places such as the Wizarding Indian Restaurant which could have added a little pizzazz to.
I have to say I love the idea of a wizarding paint ball - it's a cute little moment.
As far as descriptions go, I really would have liked to see a little more about Audrey - you do mention at some point she was at school with Percy, and she works at Gringott's - but than her description, she'd completely blank. What house was she in? Did she play Quidditch? She asks so many questions of Percy - who we all know about - but we learn almost nothing about her! Audrey is blank enough that you could make her your own - have some fun with her!
Grammatically, I noticed a few mistakes - Missing commas, little things - but it was relatively strong, and there was nothing that distracting.
Overall - it was a cute little story. It's a turn on a couple we really haven't seen much of.Author's Response: Thanks!
This was my first Percy/Audrey and IIRC, I was rushing to get this done and tweaked on time.
I'll go over it and tweak it.
Glad you enjoyed it :) Report Review
This is JChrissy from
The forums! My silly iphone logged me out, so my name won't be linked to the review, grrr!
Anyway, this is so precious! I love that you are showing a more enjoyable side of Percy, and that Audry is the one to being it out. I think your transitions could be a bit smoother. Maybe using more descriptive words to play out what they are doing instead of just saying it?
Anyway, i love this story and your choice of date. You did a great job bowing owing Percy slowly loosen up.
And I really love the wizard form of paint ball ;)!Author's Response: Thanks!
This was fun to write, Percy gets so much flack so I think he needs to get in touch with his fun side, and Audrey knows this so decides she'll be the one to do it. I wanted to avoid having her
"fix" Percy, that cliche annoys me.
Glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
I think this is a cute little story. It was fun to see Percy and Audrey getting to know each other and playing wand ball.
Good work!Author's Response: Glad you enjoyed it :) Report Review
AW. that is SO cute. I love how lost he feels and then they just...click. I thought it was a well written story and a great way to get them to know each other! so sweeet! Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed it. I do like Percy, he could be a prat, but he made amends, and he deserves to be happy. I enjoyed writing it. It's a ship that interests me. Report Review
This is really sweet, and a great idea - you should try to make more of it, though - it all seems a little whisked-over, and I know I'd love to read more of this, it's absolutely great!
Keep it up! :)
-unknownhorcrux Report Review
Aww, this was cute (:
I liked how Percy and Audrey's interaction was so natural and easy, you did a good job on that!
You could make this a bit longer though, maybe add more descriptions here and there especially something about what they are feeling and thinking. That would make it even better (:
~Elenia Report Review
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