Reading Reviews for Progress
26 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Akussa Three

14th March 2014:
What a perfect ending. I loved this little story so much, it made me hurt and sad and happy all at the same time.

Your writting style is so great; you just have a way with words that is peotic in a way. Your descriptions of scenery are amazing, all the little details you put in to give the reader a view of the environement are working very well; I definitly fle tlike I was in the shop today, looking around and feeling the excitement of the shopers.

When it comes to the emotions, them too are perfect. You've really done a great job representing the progress of George's grief. I found it especially believable that it wasn't all straight forward because, let's face it, it never really is in life.

Hannah was also a great addition tot his story. I like that she was a relatively minor character that had such a huge impact. By mionr I mean that pre-war, she hardly knew George and Fred for that matter which is why that makes her a perfect fit. She doesn't expect to see the old George coming through because she didn't know him! she just expects to see him become a man.

I erally enjoyed this, it was a pleasure to read and moved me deeply, great, great work.

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Review #2, by Akussa Two

14th March 2014:
Hi again!

Hannah's presence is a happy surprise. She wouldn't have been my first guess as to who might be helping George move on but she fits perfectly. The pain of losing her mother seems to be still present although she has made some progress herself, clearly she still remember those horrible first months after she died.

Their interractions were really believable. The way you described their reactions as well. How one might speak too harshly and physically see how he might have crossed a line. I really enjoyed that, I felt like I was watching them act out the part rather than just reading about it so much that it was well described.

The part that touched me the most was near the end, when George realised that they are moving forward a bit too fast for his liking. He's now ok with what they are doing but the next step, opening the shop, is still too big in his mind and he can't imagine being there already. That was just perfect.

And then he is finally talking about Fred a bit; just enough so that he will let the others know what he meant to him and what he lost. Another great chapter.

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Review #3, by Akussa One

14th March 2014:
Wow, so wonderfully beautiful and touching.

Poor George will never be the same for sure; in the first couple of months, it must be horrible for him to even imagine a life without his brother. He would have to know himself as George instead of "Fred and George" and that is a process that is years in the making.

I just really loved all the detailing you put in there when it comes to the descriptions of the scene as well as George's inner struggle. It was raw and so real. Molly (in his mind) is right, he needs to take little step toward moving on but he needs to be ready. I think that the fact that he got inside the shop and then crashed emotionnaly was perfect. It was representative of his progress. One little step and a crash; this is how we get across. Nest time he might be able to look inside one or two boxes before crashing but at least, coming inside the shop will be easier.

Your style was just amazing. It flowed and pulled at my heartstring. Great, great job!

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Review #4, by MissesWeasley123 Three

13th March 2014:
No George no, stop being so cold to Hannah! And what a perfect ending Jenny, to a perfect story. I think what I liked a lot was how you, y'know, called this story "Progress" and ended with George remarking on how it was progress and in that moment, the reader (so me ehehe) could finally breathe because it's not perfect, but it's getting there.

I think I love Hannah even more after this. She's just so strong, and I love how you created that bridge between them to connect the two characters to make such a complex pairing, that's been through a lot. Till the very end, you had this constant shadow of grief, and it was brilliant. I really liked it, so great work on this story. It's fabulous writing Jenny.

I loved how his family came in the end. It was so bittersweet, but I know things will turn out for him --- as much as the possibily can turn out, y'know. And I know Angelina was there at the end... But gah, Hannah and George should happen. At leats they do in my head for this story ;)

Great story telling Jenny!

blackout 6/6

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Review #5, by MissesWeasley123 Two

13th March 2014:
Oh Jenny I am crying, no.

Like, first of all, what is this business about not laughing because his twin is dead. THAT WAS NOT NECESSARY AT ALL. *wipes eyes* That part was like, *clutch heart* because too much pain and sadness everywhere I am so sad right now. :(

*goes to watch benedict cumerbatch videos*

(why is reviewing so hard dammit)

And yes, I really like Geroge and Hannah as a pair, and I find it so sweet that she's supporting him, and I just hope that everything's will be fine. There truly was that ray of hope you talked about in the end, and it is just so sweet. I loved this part and just, cry cry cry:

What was he doing? This was all happening too fast. He looked up with red eyes and saw the progress that the shop had made in just one short week. It would be time too soon; he wasn't ready for it. How could he continue something he and his brother pledged to work on for the rest of their lives?

(or continue to do so)

Again, you showd his grief so well, and I truly loved it! Great work, and I think the next chapter's the last... but anyway, I had fun reading this! ♥
Blackout 4/6

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Review #6, by MissesWeasley123 One

13th March 2014:
Hey Jenny! ♥

Gah, must stop clicking on post war George fics. I'm so stupid -_- They always make me sad and gah gah gahh. :( You capture emotions so well -- I know that because of all of your other amazing stories. And this, this time you chose SADNESS and GRIEF and WOOHH PAIN.

"i can't remember to forget you...the way you look at me..."

rant over.
the battle to write a proper review continues. *sigh*
I'm sorry, I've forgotten how to write proper reviews two weeks without hpff does that y'know.

This piece was just so powerful, and I hope I can finish it today. (mwuahaha now i am listening to coldplay who is better hehehe)

I love Hannah, I really do. If she's going to be the one for George, I applaud you for that. Because, you always do such different things in your stories, which is really remarkable and I admire that quality in you as a writer :) It makes reading your work even more funner (a new word just for YOU!) But yeah, I love Hannah. Always shave (okay, it's not shave, it's have" but I typed up shaved by accident so I thought I'd leave it because it'd give you a laugh hahha). I'm looking forward to what you'll do with her character in this.

Going back to the beginning, you just captured his pain so well. The fact that he'd been holding back and cutting himself from anything Fred related, like the shop. *sighs sadly* Okay, okay now going to the next chapter... :(

Great work!

- Nadia
blackout 3/6

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Review #7, by FredWeasleyIsMyKing One

17th July 2013:
Hi jenny!!

So I saw a george fic on your page and couldn't resist stopping by. Fred's death was by far the worst for me in the series an reading these stories always upsets me but I can't stop reading them!!

I really enjoyed this first chapter - you got so much of George's emotion through. The hallow feeling and so much about how half of him is missing and the laughter is missing. It's exactly how I picture it to be honest. Lets face it, as hard as Fred's death is on all the weasleys, it would be by far the worst for George.

I thought this line had a lot of impact: "As soon as anything changed to the shop, then it was something he and Fred didn’t do together." Something I have no doubt George would be feeling.

The part about Fred making something for when they all came back from the battle was particularly heart wrenching! I think I actually started welling up with George!

The end to this chapter was really sweet. Hannah wa really strong for him and it was so lovely of her to offer to help him. The progress for George really is good though.

You had a really nice style throughout this and t definitely grabbed my attention! Great job!

Lauren :)

Author's Response: Hey Lauren!

I feel that Fred and George never get enough love on here despite being so well loved in general, and yes, Fred's death :'( probably the worst for me.

Yes - I feel that losing a twin is particularly hard because they were so incredibly close. And thank you, if I do say so I love that line! :P One the whole it was so fun but so sad to write, so I'm glad you think I did a good job!

Thanks for reviewing lovely! *hugs*

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Review #8, by Jchrissy One

26th June 2013:
Well. Fine. I guess if you just want to break my heart in a zillion pieces, you go right ahead. Apparently I have no say in the madder considering I currently feel like a pile of mush :(!

Despite my, 'you made me sad you are in trouble!' reaction, this first chapter really is beautiful. You hit on a lot of the most important aspects of Fred and George's relationship. Their bond to one another, the kind of comfort that bond brought, their dependency on each other, the way they were always able to do something together no matter what. and you made George understand that all of that was gone. There was no more together, there was just George. And that's such an insanely sad thing to realize.

I didn't just somehow miss what the ruby actually is meant to do, does it? If I did, well, I've been working since seven so I get a break, right? If not, and you didn't actually tell us yet, I'm excited to find out! I hated how painful it was for George to go back in the shop the same way I hate the idea of him never going back in. You showed his need to move on but the fact that he wasn't sure he was even capable of doing so very clearly. This was a really realistic, though heartbreaking, start.

Hannah's appearance surprised me! At first I was going to be like, Angelina is African American! Girl ain't blonde! hahaha. After the initial surprise I really enjoyed having Hannah there, someone George wouldn't expect to help pick him up off his feet, I'm sure.

The title is insanely fitting, and this is such a lovely start! I'm excited to read the next chapter!

Author's Response: Hey Jami! *hugs*

I definitely seem to write things with all the feels at the moment haha but thank you! I really wanted to express how much Fred meant to George after a lifetime of being almost one person.

The ruby has more emotional significance than joke significance, so it's important in that sense. And yes, I wanted to use Hannah as more of a friend rather than a romance which it would have been with Angelina!

So glad you liked it lovely, thank you!

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Review #9, by teh tarik Three

9th May 2013:
Aww, this ended on such a perfect note :)

You've really shown George's painful journey of recovery so beautifully. This has been such a poignant story. George's grief has always been deep and intense and sometimes so intimate that it's uncomfortable to the reader. And that's what I think great stories should do - make the reader uncomfortable, like they're being privy to something very personal.

The shop re-opening is the natural conclusion to this story; I'm glad that George will keep on picking up the pieces, and I'm sure as time continues to pass, he'll swing back into the momentum of life again. It can never be the same old life, and I think he'll be a bit more sober than he was, but he'll get better. There's hope.

Can I say how I loved that you brought Angelina in at the final part? It's a very lovely implication of future events, and more hope and light for George.

I've loved Hannah in this fic, and sometimes I do wish you'd gone into a bit more detail with her life and her characterisation, though of course I'm aware that you meant for this story to focus on George. I would've liked to see how Hannah changed over the fic, or how helping George has shaped her characterisation, but then again, she's always been a very stable character, even from the start. I loved that nothing romantic happened between George and Hannah; it's a little more realistic this way.

This is a very lovely story! ♥ I've absolutely enjoyed reading this. The ending was perfect. These are really the sorts of post-Hogwarts recovery fics that I love and I'm glad I read it. Thanks for writing this ♥


Author's Response: Eee thank you! You have just made my day! :)

I think what makes this little ficlet a bit 'different' is that Hannah and George weren't romantically involved which I never intended for them, so in a way it stays canon and keeps George/Angelina on track. I'm glad you liked her little mention!

Perhaps a longer fic, or even a separate story from Hannah's POV would be a way to explore her character more but it just didn't fit in when I tried in this chapter. You're right though, she's very stable and an example of someone who has overcome her own demons!

I'm so pleased you read and enjoyed this and thank you so much for reviewing! You're very welcome! :)

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Review #10, by teh tarik Two

9th May 2013:
Hello again ^.^

Another absolutely lovely chapter! I really loved the careful interactions between George and Hannah; there's so much highly-charged emotional ground between the both of them, and of course, poor George is still swinging through periods of intense despondency and tiny moments of hope and recover, brought about by Hannah's presence. And speaking of Hannah, that girl is something of a living saint. I think you probably meant to show her true and kind Hufflepuff nature amirite? I admire Hannah a lot here - she's so tender with George and yet she has her own pain - her mother's death. And she never inflicts her own sufferings on George; in fact she deals with her own problems with a sort of quiet strength.

I suppose George would feel guilty if he wasn't sad and miserable - but I'm pretty sure he's going to realise that there's nothing wrong with recover. There's nothing wrong with picking oneself up and trying to be happy, and that Fred would probably expect him to be up and running, along with their shop, and back to his cheerful self.

With her stubbornness came George's gentle acceptance, a gradual succumb to social interaction.

Somehow this line just made me all warm and fuzzy and melancholy at the same time.

I loved how this chapter ended on a teensy bit of hope as George opens up to Hannah. Great work! I'm off to read your last chapter :)


Author's Response: Hello again! :D

Thank you! I tried to make sure that George was kind of cautious around Hannah so I'm glad you picked up on that. You're right about Hannah - JKR said in an interview that Hufflepuffs are actually the best house due to their kind and loving nature so I had that in mind when I wrote her! Her dealing with her own pain meant that she could bond with him in a way, too.

I'm so pleased you liked this chapter as well, thank you for reviewing again! :)

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Review #11, by teh tarik One

9th May 2013:
I absolutely ♥ post-Hogwarts George-centric fics and gaaah, so happy to come across this :)

Oh, George. You've written him quite wonderfully here, shown his grief and that heartbreaking mess he's descended to. In this chapter his life has pretty much hit rock bottom, never mind that the war was won and all. And you've shown this very well with him lying on the dusty floor feeling ever so weighted down by grief and loss and unable to pull himself up. And after all, he has lost his other half and I don't think that part of him can ever truly be salvaged; the loss of Fred has pretty much broken open George to the rest of the world - and he will have to brave this new feeling all alone. Hmm, it just occurred to me how protected the Weasley twins were from isolation and loneliness. They're just so...insulated from it because of their inseperability. And now that's gone. ALL THE FEELS :(((

Sorry for rambling.

I love that Hannah Abbott appeared! Seriously, this is such a refreshing thing in a post-Hogwarts George fic. And I always love it when two characters who had little to do with each other in the series are brought together. Gaaah, love this!

Anyway, I'm off to read your next chapter ♥ This was an absolutely lovely (and very sad) start.


Author's Response: Hiyaaa! I'm so glad you have even come to read this out of choice so... HUGS!

I love the sort of 'in between' times that haven't been explored yet so George seemed like a perfect character to write. I figured that losing his twin would be a very traumatic time for him so I'm pleased you thought I'd expressed that! Indeed, too many feels :'(

Yay! Hannah almost seemed like a logical choice because she had hardly any ties to George, so I thought I'd shove the two together and see how it played out. :P

Thank you for reviewing lovely!

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Review #12, by gingersnape One

7th April 2013:
Oh my goodness. The imagery in this was so clear and I could just picture the whole thing without even trying. The dust settling in and the grief. The grief. You say so much about his pain and conflicted feelings with so few words that I felt like I too was lost and confused. I didn't expect Hannah to help him, as, like you said, they never really talked. The connection, however, felt like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders and it made me realize just how immersed in the story I was! This flowed really beautifully and I can't wait for the next chapter!

It was angsty and powerful, but in the way that made me smile at how beautiful raw human emoticons can be, rather than the angst that weighs you down and makes you feel bad. This was such a wonderful first chapter and it flowed really well! I didn't catch any spelling or grammar mistakes, so hats off, and I generally enjoyed it the whole way through. :)


Author's Response: Hiya!

I'm sooo pleased you liked it! This is definitely one of my favourite things that I've written, it's my baby! George's life following George's death seems to be a bit of a blank page so I tried to convey what he might have felt during that first difficult year. I'm just so pleased you think I managed to do it well!

Thanks for reviewing Annie! :)

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Review #13, by Secret Santa :D Two

29th December 2012:
Yay, another amazing chapter! I'm glad George and Hannah are starting some improvements on the shop... I think it could really help George in the long run!

The part where Hannah explains why she is there to help him was so sweet. Saying that the shop reminded her of her mother and that it made her feel more at home was probably a shock for George to hear and I bet it made him want to open it back up again even more. George and Hannah seem to have a lot in common and I like that... ahhh, you are turning me into a non-cannon girl! :p

I really liked the approach Hannah took with George about opening up about Fred. I feel like people are often too soft on other people when they lose someone (I hope that doesn't sound harsh), but Hannah was able to have a firm conversation with him about getting help. I think that's what everyone needs when they lose someone; time to grieve, and then someone to be there for them when they want to talk :)

I was surprised that George just let her walk out like that, but then to find out that he hadn't moved from that spot all night and Hannah finding him leads me to believe he was a little guilty about how he snapped at her. It's a good thing he is starting to open up to Hannah, and I'm sure Hannah will be able to help him get through it :)

Please, please, please update soon! I really like where this story is going and I really want to read more! :D

Nice job!

Author's Response: Haha, I apologise again! I don't want to upset anyone's canon beliefs. ;) I really love writing them together though because it's such a great friendship. At least in my head anyway...

The whole idea is that Fred's death and the subsequent grief is completely consuming George, to the point where it's taken over his life. That conversation with Hannah is definitely a wake up call for him!

This story is my next update so hopefully there'll be another chapter soon! :)

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Review #14, by Secret Santa :D One

29th December 2012:
Oh my goodness, what a great first chapter! You have a very powerful way with words and I'm not gonna lie, you had me crying from the moment George stepped into the shop.

The little part about the ruby almost broke my heart... I really like the little touches you add to your stories and I'm actually very curious as to what the ruby was going to be used for... Will George ever finish it?

Wow, Hannah Abbot was definitely not the person I would have ever seen coming to help George! I usually am a huge Cannon person, but this pairing of yours is actually really interesting me! I love Hannah and I could totally picture her helping George get through everything... especially after what happened to her mother :(

This was so good! I seriously am so glad I got you for my Secret Santa! Your stories are so great and I can't wait to read the next chapter(:

Keep writing! :D

Author's Response: Awww, I'm both happy and sad that you cried because it means that I've got enough emotion in there and because I don't want you to cry! Haha. I'm sorry?! ;)

The Hannah and George pairing is merely a friendship and nothing more - when there's no romance on the cards, anything goes really! I thought she would be perfect for the role because of the hardships she's gone through too.

I'm so glad you like them! Thanks for reviewing! :)

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Review #15, by marinahill Two

30th September 2012:
Oh my god. SO MUCH ANGST. I want to cuddle them both up and squish them together so they both have someone to cling to. Poor George :( He misses his brother so much... it's always there at the back of his mind to niggle at him and bring him down when all he needs is a ray of hope, which maybe he has now found in Hannah.

Gorgeous stuff. ♥

Author's Response: I know right? SO MUCH. I love writing it though, so thank you very much lovely ♥

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Review #16, by kjp Two

5th September 2012:
You write incredibly well, it makes me jealous. You thought every single sentence out which is what makes your story so unique to me. You use the exact right words which amazes me how you do it. This story so far has made me incredibly sad, just thinking of George as lonely as i imagine him to be is heartbreaking.
You write Hannah really well, I've always seen her as a kind person to never give up but is also stubborn about it and refuses to be pushed away, you write her perfectly.
Another fantastic chapter and i'm sorry for leaving such a short review. 10/10 from me and the story so far is very good, i'm coming back soon though so be prepared :D
- kjp

Author's Response: Aww, thank you so much! This is definitely one of the ones where every sentence has a meaning so I'm glad that that seemed to come across. I'm also pleased you thought that there was plenty of emotion because I was a little worried about this one in comparison to the previous chapter. I'm glad you like Hannah too, she's fun to write!

Thank you for your wonderful review! :)

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Review #17, by kjp One

5th September 2012:
AHH! why are you making me read a Fred and George story, do you want me crying my eyes out all over my laptop screen!? lol, I was joking, the stories sounds good so far and i'm interested to know what happens next. The name of your story is really imaginative, i like it very much :D. I like how you chose Hannah to come in and help him, most people would say that Angelina Johnson was the one who helped him recover from Fred's death so your idea is very unique. This story sounds interesting and i'll be back for some more peeks soon :D.
I'm terrible at spotting grammar, spelling and punctuation errors so don't worry i'm not going to point them out because knowing me it'll end up being right anyway.
i'm going to put this story onto my favorites because i enjoyed it so much. 9/10 from me and a smiley face :D.
- kjp

Author's Response: Haha, I'm sorry! ;) I'm glad you're liking it so far though! That's an interesting point - I didn't want Angelina to be involved here because I wanted it to be about friendship and healing more than love. I'm really glad you liked it though, and thank you for reviewing!

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Review #18, by AlAndAl Two

2nd September 2012:
Another sad story about Fred's death. These always get to me. I think Fred's death was the sadder because of his link to George and you represented the rotting emotions well!
You have a good beginning to this story and I think it will turn out great once the plot advances!
Keep writing!

Author's Response: Hi, I'm glad you liked it! I really wanted to express George's emotions as much as possible, so I'm pleased you thought I did that.

Thank you for reviewing!

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Review #19, by True Author One

2nd September 2012:
Hello! It's True Author with your requested review!
Aww this was so touching! I really liked it. The different George in your story is great! I've always like Fred and George better than anyone else in the books and I liked their bonding, love, chemistry everything. George must be deeply hurt after Fred's death. =[
Nice story because it makes me feel bad for George. You should just write a bit catchy summary. I'll think about this and maybe I'll suggest you one!
True Author

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it! I think the bond between twins, especially considering how close they were, would definitely have left George devastated. And yes, my summary isn't great haha.

Thank you for reviewing!

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Review #20, by Debra20 One

18th July 2012:
Hey hunny!

Ok - I will admit that I wasn't expecting this. I imagined that it would be an angsty one shot but the level of emotions it sent cannot be expressed in words properly. You conveyed such a believable image of George, or better said, what has become of George that this is and will surely always be one of the stories canon to me. You do have a great way with words. I was almost sure when I read your First Task Entry but now I have no doubts.

I was surprised that the one that entered the shop was Hannah. But after reading their short interaction and the ending phrases, I could never imagine someone better. There is something that unites you to others who have lost the same amount as you. A bond that can only be shard by those that have been through similar experiences.

Truly incredible story!

Author's Response: Hiya!

Wow, thank you so much! That is so sweet of you to say. I really wanted to get into George's head here and I wrote how I felt he would be affected.

I used Hannah because I imagine her to have a very soothing, mumsy nature about her to counteract the storm that he's got going on - and yes, she's lost her mother, so similar experiences.

Thank you so much for your lovely compliments and thank you for your wonderful review! *hugs*

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Review #21, by caoty One

22nd June 2012:
Hi, I managed to tag you back! :D

One of the things that hit me most about this chapter was how, at the beginning, you've managed to work the imagery of death into nearly everything. Not only is Fred dead, but so are George's eyes (and so is the way he acts: your brief mentions of his isolation and passivity are all we need), so are their acheivements together. It's not depressing as such, but it does leave us feeling empty, as if, like George, we are nearly the living dead.

It's also very fitting that the shop, the bringer of happiness and excitement to so many people, is the place where George's emotions are once again awakened and this spell of feeling dead is broken. I don't know whether that was intentional or not, but it definitely worked.

At first, I was a little surprised at Hannah's appearance - what are the chances? - but then I realised I can see her as a very healing person, emotionally (do you know what I mean? Very caring and empathetic; perfect for fixing George.) I'd have never thought of that myself, but it makes perfect sense - the sign that you are a very good writer, in my opinion.

I hope you continue this someday, as I do quite like George, and I'd want to see him heal.

Author's Response: Hi there!

Wow, that was a really great response to it! You're right, I seem to have worked the idea of death into every nook and cranny here. The living dead? I like it. *ponders thoughtfully*

Yes, that's definitely the message I was trying to get across. The place where he and his brother had essentially 'raised' would have definitely been a sore point for him, in my opinion. I'm glad you thought this came across.

I chose Hannah for that exact reason - I imagine her having a very soothing presence, somewhat matronly I suppose, even though she'd had her own heartbreak.

Thank you for your lovely compliments and review!

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Review #22, by Elenia One

26th April 2012:

Your plot is interesting, I love stories about George, especially when he's trying to accept the fact that Fred isn't around anymore. Those kind of stories are so emotional.

And yours didn't disappoint me one bit on that area. This was really sad and beautifully written. A very strong first chapter which made me want to read more. Oh, and I loved your descriptions, they were all so detailed and just captivating!

I was surprised to see Hannah wandering in there. I would've wanted to know a bit more about why she happened to be there, but I'm suspecting that maybe you're saving that for a later chapter.

Anyways, great job! Hopefully I'll get the chance to read more once you update (:


Author's Response: Hi! :)

I'm so glad you liked it! Emotion is probably one of the hardest things to write in my opinion, so I'm so pleased you thought it was okay in this. Yes, Hannah's sudden appearance will be explained in the next chapter!

I plan to update fairly soon so keep your eyes peeled! Thanks for reviewing! :D

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Review #23, by Siriusly3 One

26th April 2012:
*cries* poor George, I always think about this scenario, going back to the shop with Fred, and you've done it perfectly. I like how you have memories of his brother coming back to him in italitics because it's realistic and just, lovely to read! It's so flowing and I like the little meeting with Hannah at the end, they have some pain to share and i love her as a minor character! Your descriptions are really good especially his emotions and how guilty he seems to feel! Good job!!

Author's Response: Hi!

Aww, thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked it. I really wanted to try and portray the grief that George would have gone through so I'm glad you thought I did that. And yes, everyone has a lot of pain after the war, Hannah is just one of the forgotten ones!

Thank you for reviewing!

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Review #24, by ginerva_molly_weasley One

10th April 2012:
Well this is really cute

I love writing and reading about George especially when he is trying to get over the death of his brother so I really liked this and the emotion that you managed to make seep through every word when he was trying to go into the shop.

It's interesting the little details that you give about Fred, George and the shop and I'm glad i read this.

Hannah Abbot is an interesting choice of character to introduce into this so I'm intrigued to read on!

Author's Response: Hello, and thank you! I'm so glad you liked it. I really wanted this to be an emotional piece so I'm pleased you felt that come across. The little details are what I find are what makes a story!

Thank you for reviewing :)

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Review #25, by charlottetrips One

24th March 2012:
Hello! Char from the Forums here with your requested review! I’d like to call myself an expert on the “angst” genre, so you’ve come to the right reviewer!

If you read my topic, you’ll know that I do a “Running Review” so the first thing I see to comment on, I do. Hence, my first comment can sometimes be a cc, such as this:

lost[.I] can fix this - space between the period and “I”. Also, George’s thoughts should be somehow set apart, to make it easier on the reader, like italicized or single quotations. Same with the remembering of past comments to George such as that from Molly or from Fred. It helps with the flow. Trust me. I’m the reviewer. :P

As soon as anything changed to the shop, then it was something he and Fred didn’t do together. - what a brilliant description. George is going to hold onto any last living bits of Fred that he can, the shop being the most prominent one and for him to do something about the shop without his twin there when they both made that shop…gar, the feelings this evokes! (I would change “changed to” to “changed about”, I feel small but my perfectionist soul is crying out.)

The heavy [world] of the world’s expectations - do you mean [weight]?

saw the ‘closed’ sign precariously [close] to his face. - I would use a different word than “close” as you used it just ahead and then again just after to this. Perhaps “near”?

The way you spent so much time with George just contemplating the front of the shop was nicely done. I can really get that this is very hard for him, that he is ready, yet not, to move on, to start living again. I can get the feeling of apathy and moroseness about him, especially when you contrast it to the way the rest of his family is starting to move on. When he finally opened the door, it felt momentous because of the build up of the earlier moments.

Oh and George’s breakdown. I felt with him, your description just flowing and really making it a tangible sort of grief, one that I could experience sitting at my computer, reading these words.

One last little comment before I end this on a good note (because the story is good): so while I appreciate that Hannah was there for George, I feel like she is random. George also has a little of that incredulity that I do but somehow less and he’s totally accepting her hug. I don’t know, maybe this will be explained later, but maybe there could’ve been more stammering from Hannah of “Sorry, I just came in here to…” whatever and then it would seem a little more real.

How you’ve started this is very touching. George missing Fred is a soft spot for me because losing a sibling is bad enough, but losing a twin…I don’t know what that would feel like. You wanted to know if there was enough angst and emotion. You’ve definitely got angst and the sad heavy emotions of grief and guilt, but you’ve also got that touch of hope that is also just such a part of life. Your description is excellent and I loved your pacing in the beginning.


Author's Response: Yay, an expert! Hehe. Thanks for taking the time to look at my request! This piece hasn't been beta'd, hence all of the grammatical errors and such. Thank you for pointing them out to me though, I will be sure to amend them in a future rewrite!

Hannah is somewhat random. Haha! I can definitely see where you're coming from. I will address this in the next chapter to make this more plausible! However I thought that at this stage George wouldn't even care about who it was, he just needed some comfort. Bless him.

I'm so glad you thought the emotion was there in the piece. I was super worried because as you said, I can't imagine losing a twin either. I can only hope to convey the loss of such a loved one.

Thank for for your excellent review!

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