30 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Secret Santa The Need

24th December 2012:
Secret Santa again! Once more, I really enjoyed this story. Your description and way with words is definately your strog point, it's beautiful. Most authors have trouble making description technically strong but making it sound effortless but I think you do this really well!

I really think Geraldine is a good, interesting character. She starts to pull you in to the story, as do all the other characters like Barry and Maddie. Even though there are few little characters, I like them all.

Again, this was a good length. If anything, I'd like to have a bit more on the end but it certainly wasn't too short or too long. Another thing I picked up once or twice, you capitalised words like 'she' in the dialogue tags but that looked like a typing mistake.

Apart from that, I really enjoyed this! There is a lovely flow with your writing. Also, I think dialogue is also another strongpoint of yours.

Santa. X

 Report Review

Review #2, by Jchrissy The Need

9th June 2012:
This is such a sad concept, bit this story I written so well! I wanted to punch Barry in the far, just do you know ;)

I also did the whole shouting out loud 'just tell your sister what Barry said!' while I read that.

I think you have a really smooth and realistic writing style, when I get some more time I want to start your novel!

Author's Response: Haha, thanks ^^ I'm glad you liked it.

I try to keep things as realistic as possible and cover everything, so I'm glad you like my writing style. Hopefully you'll get the chance to read my novel and enjoy it too (:

Thank you for reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #3, by caoty The Need

7th June 2012:
Hello, I'm here from the common room thread.

First off: you've managed to straddle the line between lovely and terrifying extremely well. Geraldine's the epitome of a nice girl, and she definitely exhibits all the qualities of a Hufflepuff.

In a couple of places, though, her narration didn't seem entirely natural, like for example when she describes her body as her 'tall figure'; I don't know anyone who describes themselves in such a manner, and I'll bet that you don't either. I think if you'd written it in third person, you could have kept such description and her perspective without it seeming off. Having your cake and eating it, that kind of thing.
There were also a couple of typos, but I'm sure someone else has pointed that out to you already.

Your Barry is horrifying and his sense of entitlement is believable. I imagine that when writing this there could have been the danger that he was a bit too over the top, but you manage to avoid that, so well done.

This was a great fic, and I think I might just read some more of your stuff.

Author's Response: Weird. I do remember writing a response to this review but somehow it didn't get posted /: Oh well, let's try it again then and hope it succeeds this time d:

Aww, thanks ^^ it was a challenge, since I've never actually written a Hufflepuff MC before! To really find the 'puff qualities in her and make them show. I really liked that! So I'm really glad you see the qualities in her!

Thanks for the tip. I'll be sure to check that part out and see if I can think of something else (:

Yeah, I know what you mean about Barry's character. I did struggle with him a bit and had to rewrite the scene a few times. I'm really glad you think it's working!

Thank you for such a nice review ^^

 Report Review

Review #4, by Owlpost68 The Need

9th May 2012:
Here I am from the review the person above you. lol I thought I'd have to wait for your next chapter to come out, because I was sure I'd reviewed all the chapters in your novel, but I guess I had just read this one without reviewing, gasp!
This was very unique, I can't say I've read anything like it. There were only a few errors, and nothing that stood out too much. One thing that confused me was near the beginning when you were talking about the people who gossiped about her, and what gave her some relief. Then you mentioned this: 'And as much as I hated to admit it, he was one of them.' I was unsure if it was that he was one of the gossipers or what gave her relief or even both. Either way, I think making that slightly more clear might help.
Then there were things like when you'd accidentally leaving the 'r' off of 'you' when needed, or the occasional word being left out of a sentence. Nothing too noticeable, but enough for me to lol.
Good luck with the challenge, this was very interesting the way you kept it about protecting her sisters, and having her realize she's neglecting herself as well.
Great job!
Oh, and the letter from her mom was very well done too, very heartfelt and sweet, I'm pretty sure I teared up the first time I read this :)

Author's Response: Haha, well I'm glad you liked this ^^

Barry was the one who gave her relief. I'll go back and check that part once I edit this the next time! Thank you for pointing it out!

Thanks for reviewing (:

 Report Review

Review #5, by EverDiggory The Need

9th May 2012:

Give me a moment, please, while I gather my awe and ability to think straight that seems to have been scattered all over the keyboard...

I was originally listening to a little less conversation by elvis, and it seemed to fit when Barry showed up.

But then it...changed. I turned the music off immediately.

This was really, really good. I felt so much sorrow and anger, but yet so much emptiness. I just...wow.

You wrote this so well, I was nearly in tears. How devastating her situation was...

I wish this would be more than a one shot:/

I really didn't know what to expect but holy crap!

This just blew my mind away! You are such a talented writer! This is one of the few pieces I could read over and over again and still feel so...I don't even have words for this.

This was amazing! Fantastic job!:D

*adds to favorites*



Author's Response: Aww, you're making me blush here ^^

Thank you so much for your AMAZING review! It literally made my day!

I do have a plunny hopping around for this story and I'll probably start it once I've finished my novel. Or maybe even sooner d:

But thank you, thank you so much. I really don't know what to say, your compliments just blew me away *hugs*

 Report Review

Review #6, by MercyWaters The Need

26th April 2012:
Here from the review tag (:

This was interesting! I like the flow your writing has. Your dialogue and your descriptions are good and the storyline is easy to follow. There's not any big grammatical, spelling or mechanical errors I can see, so that's good!

Your characters were good, they were original and characterized well enough that they weren't bland and dull, which is something that can happen often with OCs. I like that your main character was a Hufflepuff, as that seems to be the most neglected house of the four. My favorite part was when Barry found her and was trying to manipulate her into doing what he wanted. You wrote that very well, and it got me, the reader, emotionally invested in what was going on. I could practically feel her emotions of anger and fear towards him and what he was doing. Lovely job!

One tip: try to shortening up some of your sentences. Long sentences are fine, but I feel like you favor them. Long, comma ridden sentences overpower the writing and can make it seem cluttered and difficult to read. Alternating between short and long gives it better readability and flow and sounds more natural. It isn't a big problem though, just something I noticed in a few parts. Also, when it says the koala bear was "waiving", this should be "waving".

The only big piece of criticism I have is simply that I don't think this is a good plot line for a one-shot. Not enough happens, and it all seems very random. This seems more like the beginning chapter to a longer story, one that will expand in further additions. From the information we're given and what happens in this one chapter, it seems incomplete and random. And because they're all OCs, we don't get to know them very well. Have you ever though of expanding this?

Nice job though, I enjoyed reading.


Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!

Haha, yeah. I do favour the long sentences. I'll try to concentrate on fixing that in my future writing (:

I actually do have a plunny for this story and I'll probably continue this once I've finished my novel. That's why I didn't want to give too much away with this story. And not all are OC's d: Barry is actually Rowling's character, just a very, very minor one and we don't know anything about except that he plays Quidditch (:

 Report Review

Review #7, by Janner The Need

24th April 2012:
Poor Geri, her life is a mess. The good thing is that at the end she realises that, so now she can do something about it. I loved the letter from her Mum, so normal, so everyday, made tragic by the circumstances of her death.

She has to deal with an adolescent sister too. I'll never understand why girls fall for obnoxious, arrogant guys like Barry, when there are nice guys like me around!!
Maddie, does she have a history with Barry given that she seems to consider him to be her guy? She is believable as an angsty 15 year old.

A couple of things I would have done differently,

not let him use the situation into his advantage. Change 'into' to just 'to'.

you certainly don't fall into any of those criteria's. I think criteria's is the wrong word here, how about 'categories'
It's well written and an absorbing read, well done!

Author's Response: Yeah, she's gone through some hard times, she need to start taking control of her life again.

Glad you liked the story, and thank you for pointing those out, I'll fix them once I edit this the next time!

 Report Review

Review #8, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap The Need

22nd April 2012:
Well, this was so much better than my first one-shot. But that's to be expected because you're amazing. :D Seriously, I normally don't like reading things about OC/OC relationships because we don't know the characters but the way you gave us the tiny details about Ger, about Barry and their relationship, her relationship with her sister, her mum and her father even, you created all these people that I would really like to read more about.

I thought it was really sad too, that she lot her mother and the letter just ripped my heart into pieces. I'll be looking forward to more one-shots by you! (=

Author's Response: Aww thanks, I'm glad you liked it.

Barry isn't actually an OC! He's a member of the Irish National Quidditch Team, so he's just a really, really minor character (:

Thank you so much for reading and for this lovely review (:

 Report Review

Review #9, by BettyMaeStrange The Need

9th April 2012:
Hi, Elenia - I Was Not Magnificent here for your review!

First I'd just like to say I really really liked the beginning of the one-shot. You drew in the characters as you began and offered us a description to set the scene, and it was, as you described it, 'captivating.' I could really imagine where Geraldine was and what she was seeing. Good job.

Geraldine was a very well-written character; she portrayed the traits exactly as I would have expected from a Hufflepuff (ie. worrying about others other than herself, trying to protect her sister, etc. She had just a genuine selfless attitude).

At first I was a little dubious, because she seemed quite a hardened person - more suited to Gryffindor or perhaps Slytherin, but then when you brought in the theme of her mother's death and her sister's anguish and the pest that was Barry, I realised that those events had just brushed off on her personality - that was very good.

A few things I would like to point out are your use of commas, for example in these few excerpts:

The need to run away was so powerful, I didn't want to be at school, all I wanted was to go back home. [Perhaps a full-stop would be have been better after powerful, and then a semi-colon after school, so]: The need to run away was so powerful. I didn't want to be at school; all I wanted was to go back home.

The flow of the sentence just seemed a little odd, and where you put commas I sometimes thought an 'and' would have been better. A lot of the time you can get away with it, because it's often how a certain writer writes - it's what their style is - but in this case I wouldn't do it so often.

It was so peaceful and quiet, [again, either and 'and' or perhaps semi-colon] not many people passed by that place

he had that effect on me, [perhaps a full-stop here. The two sentences aren't really related to each other and the comma doesn't seem to lead on properly to the next one.] I wished I could

Just a few things to think about, but those are just my opinions and you can ignore them at will. ;)

I really liked Barry's character. Of course he was despicable, but he added depth and made things interesting. I did find Maddie's reaction a little excessive, though. It's understandable that a 15 year old girl is going to hold a grudge against her sister for 'stealing her guy', but would she really state that she wished her sister were dead instead of her mother? And also if Geraldine is trying to protect Maddie from Barry, wouldn't it be best just to tell her what sort of person he is rather than saying something like 'You wouldn't understand' or 'You're better off without him.'

I loved the small little details Geraldine describes, like the smudges on the letter and the smell of petrol and her favourite bread. I felt a lot closer to her as a character with these things, and you really made her seem real.

Overall I found the one-shot really lovely; the characters, the setting, Geraldine's intimate train of thought. I felt very connected with her and what was around her and happening to her, and as a first one-shot I think this is brilliantly commendable indeed.

Wonderful job, Elenia.

Bethan. xxx

Author's Response: Heey!

Wow, thank you so much for such a long and detailed review! I loved reading it so much and found it to be very helpful!

I'm always nervous about the description, so I'm really glad you think they're working well! I try to paint the picture well, but leave some things for the readers to imagine themselves. I don't want to overdo things.

Yeah, that's what I wanted to show with this. To give her all the Hufflepuff traits, but also show that it's not that black and white. Even they have to be brave sometimes, it's really all about what life throws at them.

Thank you for pointing all those things out! I'll fix them when I edit this the next time! I love it when people tell me these things, it'll help me with my grammar and I learn things more since English isn't my native language.

I left those things about Geri's sister unexplained, because I have such a huge plunny about these characters, and all that will be essential for that story.

Again, thank you so much for this lovely review! I'm glad you liked it so much!

 Report Review

Review #10, by horseyrosyrb The Need

8th April 2012:
((Gryffie tag!)) Sorry for the wait...
This was a brilliant one shot. You gave away just the right amount of detail without overloading us, leaving room for questions which are always good.
I loved your characterisation of Geri; she seemed very believable in a way which meant she was also easy to relate to. You did well with her sister and Barry.
I thought the letter was really touching. That whole part where she was reading it was great.
Well done and keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Don't worry about it, I'm glad you made it eventually (:

Glad you liked this! I'm always nervous about the description, I want it to be perfect but can't always tell it myself. That's why reviews like this are always so helpful and make me like my story more (:

Thank you so much for your kind words! (:

 Report Review

Review #11, by CambAngst The Need

7th April 2012:
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread.

I really, really love your writing. Even though this is a completely different story from Trying not to Love You, I could see so much of your style in it. The way that you capture the lead character's inner conflict, the way that she subjugates her own needs and desires for the perceived good of the ones she cares about... this story was quintessentially you.

Geraldine was a very engaging character. You did a great job of showing how she's neglected herself and lived for the good of other people since the loss of her mother. All of her thoughts are for her father and sisters, even though she mostly just wants to run away and lose herself in her grief.

I thought you did a really great job of writing Barry. He's a thoroughly reprehensible character, preying on Geraldine's weaknesses from his position of strength and security. I loved the way that you made all of this crystal clear without any need to come right out and say it or even have Geraldine overtly think it. The character is so easy to get my head around; everybody knows a guy like that.

Maddie's reaction completed the picture of Geraldine's self-imposed prison. Geraldine wants so badly to protect her sister, but she can't bring herself to explain everything she really knows about Barry. Or she believes that her sister wouldn't believe her anyway. Either way, she simply sits there and absorbs the abuse, once again sacrificing her own feelings.

The letter from her mother was so touching. At the same time, it reveals another facet of the guilt that Geraldine carries.

I noticed one place where I'll nit-pick you a bit: "I rummaged my pocket for the letter I always carried with me everywhere I went, mumís last letter to me." - "always" and "everywhere I went" are redundant in this context. Aside from that, your writing was spot on perfect.

I really enjoyed reading this. It's nice to see you branch out but still retain the essential things that make your writing so good!

Author's Response: Haha, I was hoping you'd drop by to read this one too, because I really appreciate your opinions about my writing!

But wow, this review made me smile so much. I think I read it at least ten times, because it made me so happy. You know how great it is to get feedback like this from a brilliant author as yourself? Well, there really is no feeling quite like that! So thank you so much!

You managed to get the exact thoughts from all three characters that I tried to show here. It's so nice to hear that it all comes through that well!

The letter from her mum was the first thing I wrote for this story and it's my favourite part of it. The story changed quite a few times around it, but eventually evolved into this. So glad that it's all working!

And thanks for pointing that sentence! I see what you mean and will edit it once I get the chance!

Thank you again! This was such a lovely review! (:

 Report Review

Review #12, by ginerva_molly_weasley The Need

5th April 2012:
Hey :D

I really like the way you have portrayed Geraldine in this as she is a Hufflepuff but you've very much shown her to be a brave Hufflepuff and sacrificing herself for the sake of her sister. Although I can't help feeling that he will go to her sister anyway.

It's interesting to see the circumstances which has caused their family and their relationships within the family to break down. I hate to think of any one having to grow up without either of their parents but to have one of your parents die when you're at the age where you can remember her really well but can';t deal with your grief then it's very difficult for me to comprehend.

Very good story!

Author's Response: Hey (:

Thank you so much for reviewing!

Yeah, it's an awful thing to happen, that's exactly what I wanted to show with this story, how something like that change your whole life so suddenly.

Thanks again (:

 Report Review

Review #13, by lilypotterfan123 The Need

3rd April 2012:

Poor Geraldine. This one shot just shows how her life has quickly turned upside down. Her mum dying, her sister hating her but she's too young to understand that if it wasn't for Geraldine then her sister would be in more danger. The characterisation was really good but Barry really scared me, because how some people really can be like that. Then how oblivious Maddie is of reality. Barry is a bad guy but she wants to show how grown up, independant and smart she can be without her mum and Geraldine. It is such an upsetting story but very well written and the letter at the end really pulled on the heartstrings.


Author's Response: Aww thanks. Glad to hear that, that's exactly what I was trying to tell with this one-shot (:

Thanks again for the swap (:

 Report Review

Review #14, by academica The Need

2nd April 2012:
Hey! Here from review tag :)

I really like this -- it's very dark and sad, and it can be hard to achieve sympathy for an original character, but I think you did it well. I like your characterization of Geraldine, because I do feel like she embodies the loyalty expected of a Hufflepuff, and stories like this kind of lend more credence to a house that is ordinarily just ignored, which is always a good thing.

I guess I only have a couple of small comments to make. One is that I don't really understand where all the hardship came from -- at first I thought this was written in the midst of a war, but I'm confused by Barry's attitude (almost as if Geraldine owed him something, rather than just being a pervert and a menace), though I suppose I could have missed something there. The ending, also, seems a little abrupt. I would have liked to see more of a hint of resolution, where Geraldine takes action about her life's problems.

Otherwise, nice job, and very interesting. Great work! :)


Author's Response: Heey (:

Thank you for such a nice review! I'm glad you thought that way about Geraldine, that's what I was trying to show wirh her character.

About both those things that you mentioned, I left them from this story on purpose. I got such a huge plunny about this once I was writing and it was so hard to keep it as a one-shot, so I decided to leave some 'mystery' in it, because I will probably write the rest of the story later on. And if I would've revealed those two things, it would've ruined my plot (x

But thanks again and I'm glad that you liked it ^^

 Report Review

Review #15, by Siriusly3 The Need

2nd April 2012:
Hiya, here from Review Tag :)
I liked this because it was emotional and when Maddie said she wished Geri had died it was like a bullet. I kind of went 'Uh!" and my stomach dropped haha. I'm a bit confused, is Geri a muggleborn? Because her dad works in a petrol station but her mum says thank Merlin. I also think you should consider turning this into a multi-chaptered story because it just seems like a first chapter even though it's a one-shot :)
Great story :)

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for dropping by and I'm glad you liked it (:

She's halfblood. Her mum was a witch and her dad is a muggle.

We'll see. Maybe once I've finished my novel and get my other plunny rolling, maybe then I'll reconsider continuing this story (:


 Report Review

Review #16, by apocalypse The Need

1st April 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse, finally here with your review!

I'm glad that you've started writing stories other than TntLY. You're a very talented writer and it's good to see more stuff from me. =) Keep it up.

For a first one-shot, you've done a remarkable job at it. It's very hard to keep a one-shot precise and concise and at the same time, tell the entire story in a single chapter. I, personally, find it extremely hard. But I think that you did a very good job at it and were able to tell the entire story in just one chapter.

I think that you've done a very good job with developing Geraldine's character. Her feelings and her emotions were described very nicely throughout the chapter and you managed to capture her essence very well. Her introduction was pretty captivating; I think that the way you described her feelings for Hogwarts and then her mother, that was just brilliant. Here, in this story, you were able to familiarize your reader with your main character which I think is an achievement in itself. =) Her reaction to Barry was written excellently; you justified her feelings towards him pretty well and were even able to show why she would agree to meet him later. Good job!

I also liked the way you created her relationship with her sister. I feel like I've seen this scenario many times before, i.e. where one sister fights with another over a boy, but I think that you did a good job while executing it. Even though there was nothing new there, and I wished that Geraldine would've said something more in her defense. That was the only part I did not understand. I didn't get why she did not justify herself and tell her what kind of boy Barry really was.

Her mother's letter was brilliant. It was written marvelously. I loved reading it and loved the sentimental value it had for her daughter. Really good job with that =)

The flow of the entire thing was very good too. Like I said, you did a great job in conveying the entire story to us; the flow of the story and the description had a major role in that. I really liked how you had a described everything in precise sentences, giving us a full picture yet not going overboard with the details.

Really good job! It's a very good one-shot! You're a very talented writer and should post more of your writing. It's good read new stuff from you (not that I don't like going back to TntLY. I love that story to bits =D) Anyway, that's it from me at the moment. I hope you like this review =) Feel free to PM me with anything you might have to ask. Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! =D

Author's Response: Yey, you're here (:

Haha, yep, And I'll try, Gwen has just so dominative voice that it's hard to find inspiration for other things d:

Yeah, it was unbelievably hard. I kept sidetracking all the time, getting plunnies about a looong story, so it was really hard to reach this form, but finally I managed to make it work. So I'm glad to hear you say that.

Aww, thank you so muchI'm glad all that came through so well, I was a bit nervous about that. I wasn't sure if I had managed to get her 'feelings' about Barry to come across as strong as I wanted them to.

About Geri explain things more to her sister, well, I left that out on purpose. Mainly because I have such a big plunny about this story, and if she would have stood up for herself, it wouldn't have fitted with the idea I have. So maybe if I decide I'm not going to continue this, I'll add it later (:

Thanks. That was actually the first thing I wrote about this story!

Great to hear. The flow always makes me nervous. It all sounds good in my head but I'm never sure if it's like that to others.

Thank you again (: Loved your review, as I always do ♥

 Report Review

Review #17, by LivingFairytale The Need

30th March 2012:
Hiya! It's Livingfairytale from the forums with your requested review. Yay, a one-shot, I absolutely love one-shots! Let's get started.

First impression:
Wow, the way you started out; it was really intriguing. Those first few lines really got me into the story, forcing me to read on. The words you use are really powerful and realistic. It was very pleasant to read.

Your OC character Geraldine seems like a strong, outspoken person, which is really good. I loved reading from her point of view, and reading her thoughts. She's a lovely OC, you did an amazing job on her. Barry, on the other hand.. well, I'm not really fond of him lol. He seems very believable as a character, but I just don't like the way he acted; he sounded like such a jerk. I also think you did a great job on Geraldine's sister Madeleine. She was naive and selfish, but exactly how a 15 year old would react, wonderfully done.

A very touchy, lovely one-shot to read. Everything seemed right, every word carefully chosen. The descriptions were lovely, and so were the dialogues. You did an wonderful job on this one-shot, and it was very enjoyable to read. Well done!

x Livingfairytale

Author's Response: I responded to this! I really did, but now it suddenly showed again on my unanswered reviews page... that's odd.

Thank you. I'm so glad you liked it. I was nervous, since it's my very first one-shot ever and I didn't know if I managed to do a good job (:

Haha, I'm making you love OC's! Mission accomplished! d: But I'm glad you thought that about my characters, because that's how they were portrayed to be!

Thanks again (:

 Report Review

Review #18, by RosieQueen The Need

29th March 2012:
Review swap! :)

I loved your dialogue and description so much! This was obviously a very well thought out one-shot. I don't like Barry. He seems creepy. But you did a good job of portraying him as creepy! Geraldine seems like a very strong person. Even though she was an OC, you gave her character depth in a one-shot, which is actually quite a feat. Most authors have to properly present their OC character in a novel. I love your writing style, it's poetic without sounding cheesy (Did that make sense? :D) All in all, a wonderful one-shot!


Author's Response: Thanks (:

I'm so thankful for all the lovely feedback I've gotten from this. It makes me want to write more one-shots d:

Thank you so much and yes, it did make sense (x

 Report Review

Review #19, by SerpentineOffering The Need

28th March 2012:
Wow! What an amazing one-shot! I thoroughly enjoyed this! Your writing is splendid! I enjoyed the detail that you wrote, quite wonderful. The dialogue was amazing as was the entire story! Great job! Definitely adding this to favorites!

Author's Response: Haha, thanks (:

I'm glad you liked it and thank you for making it one of your favourites!! (:

 Report Review

Review #20, by Livi_777 The Need

28th March 2012:
Wow! That was beautifully written! You're writing is very melodic and flowing and very realistic too. the emotions are very raw and believable, and I think that's always important when your writing things like this because it makes it so much easier to connect with the characters if you can see and understand their feelings. The loss of Geraldine's mother is very well written, and you spin the words together excellently on those couple of paragraphs. There's definitely enough material here to warrant a longer story but I also think you could cut it off here if that's what you want. Overall, it's just a really lovely piece of writing and you've done a great job on it!

Author's Response: Aww, I'm glad you liked it! I like to think that that's one of my strong points, writing about the emotions, so it's always nice to hear they're working so well!

Yeah, that's what I meant to do. I have a plunny for what happens after this, but I'm not sure if I'll ever write it. We'll have to wait and see d:

Thanks for the lovely review!

 Report Review

Review #21, by ScorpiusRose17 The Need

27th March 2012:
Hi there!

Well first of all I must say that this is a great one-shot. I thought your characters were definitely original and interesting. I really liked Geraldine. She is a great character with a good head on her shoulders, but is lost after the passing of her Mom. I thought her sister was braty and selfish. Which bounced off of Geraldine to balance them out quite nicely. Her sister is quite mean though. I could honestly say that I could feel her yelling that she wished she(Geri) had died instead of their Mom. It was quite a hurtful moment there, but I liked how Geri handled herself and realized what she had been missing. I didn't like that Barry Ryan one bit. He was a sleezy boy.

I thought you did a brilliant job describing the story as well. It was all very vivid and easy to imagine. Right down to that stinky cigarette. ;)

The flow was great. I did find a couple of things that I wanted to point out to you and get your opinion on...

"I guess you have something for you sis here,"

I think the second you should probably be a your?

"She couldnít deal it, she was too fragile, too innocent, only 15. He would break her heart."

This one is missing the word with between deal and it.

"I think the sorting hat made a big mistake on your part, because you certainly donít fall into any of those criteriaís,"

This one sounded weird to me when I read it the second time out loud. I don't know if it's the word criteria's? Or if it should be changed to something like Categories?

Overall, I really liked this One-shot. I think you are an amazing writer and everything that you write is so wonderfully thought out. You are great at being able to take someones mind and fully captivate it with your words. I loved your characters, the plot, and the message that it sends out.

Keep up the great work! =)


P.s. I am going to favorite this story!

Author's Response: Hey there!

Thank you so much for this kind review.

I'm glad you liked the characters. I had so much trouble with them since they kept developing all the time and this story almost ended up being reaaally long d:

Thanks. Descriptions are always something I worry about, so it's nice to here they are working (:

Thanks, I'll correct those when I have the time (:

Phew, I'm just glad you liked it. I was so nervous since it was the first one I've ever written and my plots always tend to develop so much that it was hard to keep it as a one-shot.

Aww ♥ thanks

 Report Review

Review #22, by charlottetrips The Need

27th March 2012:
This was surprisingly meaty for a one-shot. I didn't realize that we were going to address such dark issues such as being used, death of one's parent, sister issues. That was pretty much all like the force of a punch to me.

Geraldine seems like a strong person to me, one who's been called on to really protect and care for her family. You can feel the weight of that as you read through this. But as an outside person, you can also see that she's shouldering some stuff unnecessarily.

I like how you put her needing to actually change and see that need for herself. It put a note of hope there and left room for a sequel or another chapter!


Author's Response: Aww thanks, I was waiting for you to clear your review queue, so I could've requested, but this worked well this way too ^^

My challenge plot point for this story was that I had to work her sister into it. It was also mentioned that her family members were dad and three sisters, but no mention of mum, so it all sort of evolved from that. I wasn't supposed to make it so dark originally.

I like her character a lot too. And yes, she has a lot on her shoulders, some which is totally unnecessary. But she is the oldest of her siblings, she feels like she needs to be the one who stays strong for everybody else.

Yep, left it like that because I have all these plunnies hopping around, practically forcing me to write more. But we'll see. First I have to finsih 'TntLY' and start my other novel I have in mind, then I can let the plunnies take over d:

 Report Review

Review #23, by starryskies55 The Need

26th March 2012:
Ahoy there, from your Challenge-master (for Tale of an OC) :D

This was a beautiful piece of writing, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it :D

Geraldine's concern for her sister was perfectly written, and it was very touching. Personally, I wanted to hit Barry with a large, heavy stick.

The way you weaved in my points about Geraldine was very well done, and the slight humour was well balanced with the seriousness of the piece.

Overall, a fantastic piece of writing. I'm so glad you entered my challenge!

Author's Response: All bow in the presence of the great challenge-master!

Aww, thanks. I'm so glad you liked it. that was the point of this whole thing (x

Haha, I'd like to serve a few punches at him myself too d:

Your points were really challenging, but I think I managed to get them all into this quite well? I would've wanted to use my 'fun fact' more, but since I wasn't allowed to use his name in this, I felt I couldn't make it work that well so I left it in a smaller part than I intended.

Thank you so much! I'll be here, anxiously waiting for the results of your challenge ^^

 Report Review

Review #24, by Siriusgirl The Need

26th March 2012:
Very good story. You are a strong writer. Geri seems like a very real character, and you feel her emotions, and how much she wants to protect Maddie from Barry. Barry is a real piece of work, isn't he?

Great job

Author's Response: Heh, thanks (: I'm glad you liked it. And I know, he really is a piece of work d:

 Report Review

Review #25, by SexyDoorFrames The Need

26th March 2012:
Hey :) I'd thought I'd come and check this out. In short, I loved this, It was amazing and written really well. It started out beautifully, I adored it, really captivating. You captured the emotions in this perfectly, which is hard to do in a one shot but you've done it, so kudos for that. Geraldine was a really interesting character and I loved what you've done with her, you could just feel her pain throughout the story and that is because you're a pretty amazing writer. I loved this and good luck in your challenges.

Author's Response: Aww thanks. Your reviews always make me smile (:

I was nervous about the emotions in this one, because I've never written a one-shot before, so I'm really glad you think they're working!

Thank you so much, your comments means a lot to me, because you're such an amazing writer yourself!


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>