This was a good chapter. I don't think that she is very well know in the books, and so that gives a little bit of leeway in the terms of how she could act and things like that.
This was a good start. There were a free grammer errors, and a few spelling mistakes (wine) but otherwise it was good. Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your review!
Grammar: Watch out for comma splices (commas between two independent clauses), spelling (luv - love, whine - wine, quite - quiet), punctuation (commas after subordinate clauses, for example), and formatting (the spaces between paragraphs are huge!). I also noticed a bit of redundancy in a few places. In addition, there was a couple of capitalization errors ("great hall," "the states"). I would suggest just re-reading your chapters before you post :) (I'm a total grammar psycho, sorry!) You may want to also italicize Eloise's thoughts to separate them from the regular narration.
Flow: You had no problem with flow. Just a normal school day at Hogwarts! :D But poor Eloise... :'(
Characterization: This was a high point. I enjoyed the characterization of all the characters. You revealed things about Eloise little by little, which I enjoyed; it was a mix of direct and indirect characterization. Same goes for Sammi. Malfoy was a jerk, of course, but his characterization was done also done well. :) You even revealed things about characters who are not shown much (Ron, Harry, Hermione) but may become important later, which I liked :D My only concerns with this are Sammi and Ron. Sammi sounds a bit of a Mary Sue; though she's not the main character, she is important. Perhaps her being a Mary Sue is important (correct me if I'm wrong), but as a Mary Sue, she's one-dimensional and rather boring to read about. But since Eloise holds her in high opinion, it can probably slide. Just give Sammi some flaws or something of the like to make her more relatable. With Ron, I'm concerned that you made him angry. In the books, he's been described as immature and funny; he would be upset about failing but excited about getting away from Snape and leaving class early. So other than that, characterization was great! :D
Plot: When I read your title, I immediately thought of The Devil and Daniel Webster. Haha. I saw a parody of it once, and I absolutely loved it! So I'm expecting some craziness to go down with your story ;) The only concern I have with plot is that it seems a little cliche (underdog girl in love with popular guy somehow has popularity thrust upon her). But since they're in Hogwarts and your summary tells me otherwise, I'm pretty excited for the twists and turns in this!
All in all, an excellent beginning for your story. :D You've written a strong foundation for subsequent chapters. I really like your OC Eloise; she's very relatable and human, which is what every writer strives for ;) If you're concerned with anything I've said, shoot me a PM! And if I've been too harsh, I am sorry and send me a PM. I'm excited to see what happens next, and I would love to review for you again! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Grammar isn't my thing, so I am glad you pointed those out. I will be going back to fix them. And I will be giving Sammi some flaws, because you aren't the first one to tell me she was a Mary Sue. I hadn't realized I had written her like that. I am glad you enjoyed it though! Thank you so much for your review! You have been very helpful.
~Goddess Faith Report Review
Hi there, VioletBlade here with your requested review! First off all, I want to say that I really enjoyed this story, even though I'm not much of a fan of AU stories or Harry/OC stories (I'm a Harry/Ginny shipper all the way :)) but I liked this one and your OC a lot!
Something to start off with though, is you might want to go in and fix the wide spacing issues. It distracts from the story a bit, and it's an easy fix! ;)
Onto the actual review!
Plot: I think you had a really nice start here! The chapter flowed well, and was paced wonderfully. It's also really original, not anything I've seen before, and I really like the interactions you've placed to give your OC a little bit more background and footing in the story. It's a shame this story doesn't have more reviews, to be honest!
Characterization: Can I just say that I adore your OC? She is like the anti-Mary-Sue if I've ever met one! I really love her because she's real, not plastic-fake. She's got body issues, acne, is unpopular, etc. and Harry doesn't even know she exists, except when she's pointed out and humiliated. That part was the saddest part of the entire chapter. I wanted to be Hermione Granger and punch the living daylights out of him!
I like Sammi, however, I think she could be improved. She's a little too perfect for my taste, almost too Mary-Suish, which isn't really a problem since she's not the main character, but it still takes away from the story some, so I thought I'd let you know. I think if she's perfect, beautiful, all the guys want her, etc. it makes her seem idolized in your OC's POV and I think that can be a dangerous road to go down!
A couple things here: First, I would recommend you try and get yourself a beta for this story. I think it is such a promising story and with a beta, things like having Mary-Sue best friends and the grammar mistakes can be fixed, making the whole story a much better read!
Secondly, something I noticed a lot was that you frequently switch tenses. It can be jarring for the reader to have to go in and out of that, so I would go clean those up a bit. Some examples are here:
"Maybe if I ignore her..." Should be 'ignored' here, dear!
"Almost everyday when I walk into class with Sammi..." First, 'everyday' should be two words and second, 'walk' should be 'walked' here, dear!
"Classes wasn't exactly my thing." Should be 'weren't' dear!
Another thing I noticed is your dialogue formatting. Dialogue formatting should go something like this:
"Then I walked into a door," she said.
Notice the comma instead of a period. The only time you use a period is if the next sentence is detached from the dialogue. For instance:
"I don't believe you." He smiled as he said this, and shook his head.
Do you see what I mean? Feel free to PM me if you still have questions!
Overall, the story was a really nice read, and I'm so glad you requested the review from me! I hope to see this story continued and I hope my review has been helpful to you!
~VioletBladeAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I am glad you liked it. And I will look into getting a beta reader for this story. I had no idea I missed that much grammar, lol. And I went back over it and you are right. I did make Sammi too perfect, something that I will fix when I re-write this chapter. Thank you so much for your help! You have really helped a lot!
~Goddess Faith Report Review
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