This was a great chapter.
I think you did a great job portraying Albus in a different way then what I am normally use to seeing. This Albus has been through something and his pain and anguish come through quite well. I also thought you did a good job portraying Ginny as the always there in your face kind of person. It's different and it works for this story. I think any Mom would be at a loss for what to do and upon realizing that she isn't wanted there, but she responds in the best way possible.
I thought the flow of the chapter was done well. I didn't see anything that would be confusing or messy in transitioning. I felt that you stayed pretty consistant between both chapters.
I also think you did a fantastic job describing his surroundings and what was happening. You didn't give a lot of clues as to what exactly has happened, but you have kept up a great level of suspense!
I could feel the way that Albus is feeling coming through in your words. It was wonderfully done and I am still highly intrigued as to what caused him to end up like this.
Keep up the great work! =)
Please let me know when you have another chapter up!
-SR17Author's Response: I absolutely love your reviews!!
Admittedly, I'm one of those people who just can't seem to write characters the way everyone else seems to write them. They just sit themselves in my head and shout at me until they get written down. Which I suppose, is good and bad, but I'm thankful that they come across as believable.
And clues will trickle through very, very slowly, because I'm an evil. evil person.
I'll definitely be tracking you down for my next chapter. Report Review
Hello, here I am with your requested review.
First of all I like the scene you set in this story with the beginning seeming to be very tense and filled with silence apart from the obvious noises which indicate something gone wrong. The one thing I noticed though at the beginning is that you referred to the 'manor' as a 'manner', you use the word 'manor' to refer to a building.
The Lost Children make me think that it's all of the Potter's children that have been missing especially because you refer to Albus Potter as the one who has been beaten and bruised.
The idea of Ginny screaming, Harry reaching to call the mediwizards and then an unknown shouting out and being crude. I am actually very intrigued as to who that character is!
The people Al left behind is saddening as is his crying because he's obviously left a lot of people behind that he cares about. I really do like this story!
Please feel free to re-request!Author's Response: Hello!,
I read back through the chapter, and I did use manner in the right way; I was referring to the manner in which the machines were beeping. Its definitely a valid point however, and something I may need to go back and look at, because you surely won't be the only person to think that!
Al's story's a bit of a sad one, and a bit of a long one, but definitely sad!
Thank you for your lovely review! Report Review
What do I think? ITS AMAZING!
The emotions are just so strong and it is really powerful.
I cant actually explain how good it is, but you have to believe that it is very, very amazing.
I feel so sorry for Albus, and I really want to see how this progresses.
And I must say, good job on writing a story as sensitive as this, it can be easy.
-Kerryn xoxAuthor's Response: Your reviews so far have given me so much faith in this story!!
I feel quite sad for Albus too! Especially since I know what's coming, which will be revealed very, very slowly, because I'm evil XD
And thank you for that! The sensitivity is something that's hard to write, but lots of warnings to people help a bit!
Thanks once again for your review!
-Dani! Report Review
I really, really enjoyed this.
It just caught my attention and drew me in to feel their panic and all the emotions. It was really well written as well.
Although you only gave a vague idea of what was actually happening (kidnapping and abuse or something?) I think that the overwhelming emotion and sort of disconnected feel actually added to the effect. So if you do that on purpose or not, it was really good.
Brilliant chapter, and by the way, I like the summary as well, it just made me want to read it and find out what it was about!
-Kerryn xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much!!
I think I kind of did it on purpose *shrugs* Like, I definitely intended for Albus to be disconnected from everyone else in the story, so I think that's what you're talking about.
And thanks for that as well! I was worried about the summary! Report Review
Well, what have we got here? Such mystery-filled chapter. There isn't much told about what's really happening or what the next chapter could possible be about, and though some people may not like it, I personally like it. Suspense is something I would prefer authors do that because they let your mind play around with the end of the story -in this case, chapter.
I love the amount of details you put in the story! There's like detail after detail of everything. So nice. The only thing I think you could improve on is try not to get over-carried with the details...like I think the amount of detail is great, yes. But I found that sometimes you kinda over-detailed...and yeah, it kinda made the story confusing for me. ( Then again...its probably just me...)
Overall, a really great piece of work! I don't think you should get too concerned about your performance just yet...so far so good.
Green With Envy 2012,
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Hey! Sorry this took so long to respond to; my internet is currently hard to find.
I think I get what you mean about the over-detail. Someone remarked that I have a few run-on sentences, which would definitely muddy it a bit for someone trying to read. But that's what' a beta's for, which I'll hopefully find soon!
But thank you for your lovely review!! Report Review
This was quite the opener. I was drawn right in and felt their panic.
I think you did a great job characterizing each one of their mannerisms and how they are as characters. The chapter is short so it's harder to give you more indepth detail over it, but the things I did read were things that they would do. Like James...I am guessing he was the one who yelled out to the mediwitch? I can easily picture him yelling something like that to get someones attention. And Ginny fighting to not cry is totally spot on Ginny. They were subtle, but done well.
The flow was great. I thought it was smooth throughout. I did stumble on one sentence that was a little confusing...
"It means that her his family’s sanity just as much as his own,"
I was a bit confused. Maybe it's just me? That has been known to happen, but I thought I would point it out and let you decide.
I can't wait to read more of this! You've definitely sparked my intrigue. =)
Keep up the great work and please re-request when you get another chapter up!
P.s. I am adding this to my favorites.Author's Response: Thank you so, so much for this! One of my major worries with absolutely every fanfic that I write is that the characters are not who the books portray them to be, (or the movies, in some of my other fandoms) because most of the time, in my head, I've got a character telling me their story, and I'm left to fill in the gaps :/
And I read back through that bit, I'm pretty sure its a typo, that I'll have to fix; the her should be for. And its reasons like that I'm looking for a beta reader XDD
And seriously, I'm definitely rerequesting, and this review has made my day! Report Review
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