Oh, MAN. It's taken me a good 10 or so months to get around to responding to your review request, but I'm glad that I didn't forget you. This was well worth the read.
I actually exhaled as I finished reading it and made a small whimpering sound. The way you finished this was just... ugh. So unbelievably tragic but perfect. I'll talk more about that later, though.
This was so well written. You really had me on the edge of my seat the entire time. There was this way that you built it up that just made me so engrossed in the story, I don't think I breathed through the entire thing. Your descriptions were fantastic and I literally felt like I was there with him while he was waiting. It was so tense. But I adored it.
One thing I definitely want to commend you on is the dialogue that you used for the Death Eaters. They have this way of speaking that I think you have really paid attention to. It's this condescending, formal, sophisticated way of speaking and you've done really well. You haven't made them sound like they're from the seventeenth century like they sometimes do in fanfiction. You've done well.
I loved that you took a small, almost forgotten character and made a story out of him. I absolutely adore when writers do that. I personally have done it many times and I get so excited when other writers do it. There is such a huge world that JKR has given us to explore and I love when writers take full advantage of it.
Easily the best part of this, though, was the way you ended it. I mentioned that I made a noise as I read the article. I don't... just. Ugh. Unf. Gah. Argh. Any other noise you can think of. It's just so tragic. And so sudden. I mean, I knew what was coming. But I wasn't prepared for it. You finished this story with this air of uncertainty, fear and it's just so indicative of what I imagine everyone was feeling at the time of the war. Uneasy. Scared. Not knowing everything. I almost feel like anyone who read the story in the newspaper would have known instantly that he had not survived and it's just so sad that they probably would never know exactly what happened to him.
I loved that.
So tragic. So sad. But that's what I adored about it. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment, but I thought this was beautiful.
Jasmine :) Report Review
Hello! This is AditiDraco95, here with the challenge review. (I am reading and reviewing all the challenge entries before I judge them).
This is a neat story you've got here. I liked the air of mystery you maintained throughout the narrative, it intrigued me and urged me to read more. The way you have described Caradoc is good too, his Gryffindor courage and pride, and his need for revenge growing as the story progressed. I liked your characterizations of the Death Eaters too with the little insight you gave into them. The little details such as shoving a muggle on their way added to their characters. The ending was very fitting indeed, and I liked your idea of finishing it off with a news report.
There were a few grammar mistakes here and there, but not major enough to distract me, so all's well there.
Over all, I liked reading this story, and I think it was very much in line with my challenge guidelines.
Best of luck for the challenge results, I shall notify you once I release them!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hey! Sorry it's taken me so long to get around to responding to this. I sat down today, noticed my unanswered reviews, and was like 'yikes!'
I'm glad you like the story. I still can't believe it came third in your challenge, even though it was months ago now. It's crazy.
I'm aware it needs editing, but at the moment it's just about finding the time. :/
Thanks again for the review, and I'm super glad you liked the story!
- Adele :) Report Review
Hi, there! Thanks so much for doing your part to help Gryffindor take the cup! Here is your review.
Spooky! If ever there was a lesson in using the Buddy System, this is it!
You did such a great job of creating tension and suspense in this. At any moment, I expected the Death Eaters to pounce. Of course, it doesn't hurt that we know that's what's going to happen, but still, this was very well written.
Times must have been really bad. It's hard to imagine hooded men walking down the streets of London with impunity in 1981. In 2012, well, perhaps. ;) But it speaks to how grim the world was that the Death Eaters walked about with no worries and the good guys had to go sneaking around.
Your characterization of Caradoc was interesting. The stress of the situation was definitely getting to him, along with all of the competing emotions. Moody definitely would not have approved.
The descriptions you laid out of the bad part of London (a bad part of London. I guess there's probably more than one) were vivid and easy to follow in my mind. The homeless man was an eerie touch. I can almost imagine the crazed look on his face as he pushed Caradoc away.
Poor Dorcas. I've really taken a liking to her character based on a couple of fics I've read recently. She's such a brave, loyal girl in my headcanon. I can understand why Caradoc was so eager to capture or kill the Death Eaters.
But in the end, he's captured by Lucius and the Lestranges, who already seem eager to deliver something of value to their master. I can't imagine the horrible fate he suffered.
Your writing was terrific in this. Everything flowed really nicely. I think maybe I caught one, small typo:
-- “I always knew he was too cocky for his own good!” - If this is referring to Dorcas being cocky, it should be "she" and "her".
Nicely done and thanks for the points!Author's Response: No problem. ^_^ Anything for Gryffindor, haha.
Damn right. The Buddy System - that stuff saves lives.
Mystery is so out of my depth, and trying to keep it suspenseful nearly killed me, so it's brilliant to hear that you thought it actually worked.
Caradoc is an interesting character, and one that I've really enjoyed exploring more, both in Canis Major and in this one-shot. I'm glad that you liked his characterisation. He's different, but I found it fun to challenge myself.
I didn't even know where I was going with this when I started it, but I could just see an eerie London street, with cloaked figures and slightly crazy men. It's grimy, it's cold, and it gives you a queasy feeling in your stomach from just being there. If you managed to get that impression, then I'm a happy person. As I said before, I didn't know where this was going, and was so different from other stuff I've written; I was so worried that what I was writing wouldn't make sense to anyone but me.
I don't even want to think about what happened to him after he opened his eyes. That's why I stopped it there. I was like, 'well, that's quite enough of that.'
Oh noes! A pesky typo! I'll jump on that, ASAP. Cheers for pointing that out, Dan.
Haha, no problems! Thanks for offering to review. It's really kind of you and Jami. ^_^
- Adele :) Report Review
That was a really good story! You should definately write more like it!
WildCatAuthor's Response: Haha, thanks! I'm glad you like it. :)
I'd love to write more of it, but I just don't know where I'd go with it. You already know who killed him, and all that, and I think I just like it as a one-shot, for now at any rate.
Thanks so much for the review though! I'm glad you like it, as it's fairly different from my other work. If I find inspiration to continue it I definitely will. :)
- Adele :) Report Review
Wow.. that was so.. chilling! I was drawn in by the summary - it's just one sentence but it makes me so intrigued to know what happened to him! I thought this was great - you I liked how you gradually built up to the plot. I'm not sure why Death Eaters are so careless as to leave a door ajar :P but apart from that, I thought you had nice characterisation through the Death Eater dialogue.
I thought the end was definitely surprising, but I think you could have made it even more dramatic somehow? And developed it just a bit more? It makes me wonder why Caradoc didn't just apparate away (though I guess he could have been frozen in fright, and he is young? careless and wanting revenge so..) I would have loved more emotions and thoughts at the end especially. Nevertheless, I really enjoyed reading this - I've never read about Caradoc and exploring a character gone missing is so interesting! Oh, and the ending with the Daily Prophet article was a nice finish :) Lovely writing! :)Author's Response: Ahh, thank you! I wrote it for a 'Leave the end up the readers imagination' challenge, which is why it ends as it does. But I see what you mean about adding more emotion, etc. though. I'll go back and have a look. :)
And I'm so happy you liked the summary! I was brainstorming for ages then when I was flicking through the wiki for the original phoenix members I came across the quote. It's perfect, and i'm so glad that someone else finds it intriguing! It was my first shot at mystery/suspense so i'm thrilled you liked it. XD
I can't believe you left me two reviews! Ahh, defiantly made my day. ^_^
- Adele. :) Report Review
One word: Brilliant.Author's Response: Three words: You are amazing. Report Review
Wow, this is really intruiging. I thought it was going to be a murder mystery but we know the killer! And I'm wondering who's viewpoint the rest of the story will be in. I'm actually quite excited for the rest of it so update soon yes? I NEED to know what happens Author's Response: Ahh, you're brilliant. Unfortunately, it's just a one-shot, the moments of Caradoc's life before he dies. Quite sad really, but if the inspiration strikes, I might expand on it.
Thanks so much for the review, and congrats on reaching your goal of 100! That's amazing, and something to be proud of!
Thanks again for taking the time to read this. I'm so glad that you liked it :) Report Review
Hello! Here I am with the rather late review you requested!
I really enjoyed this little piece. The pace of the track, the learned information and the flow of thoughts that maked the last moments of this man's life were chilling and nicely recorded by your imagination :)
I noticed one little grammar mistake :
"...never loosing sight of the figures."; should be 'losing' rather than 'loosing'
Other than that, nothing jumped at me. I found it was a very original idea for a story. Caradoc is a character we hardly know anything about and yet, in this short story, you managed to give him flesh. Great work, it was a wonderful read!Author's Response: Hey there! :)
Thanks so much for the review. I'm glad that you liked it. :) I'm on that spelling error. Cheers for that, haha.
This was something completely different for me, so i'm glad that you liked it and that it worked :D
- Adele :) Report Review
javct45 here with your review!
I really enjoyed this :) Truthfully, I had to quickly google 'Caradoc Dearborn' after I read this story haha *runs away and hides under a rock* This is defiantly an unloved character and I love stories about them!
The pacing and flow was beautiful! You paced it just right and didn't make it too fast paced (which happens in a lot of stories)
I found this story very original, I've never read a story like this before and it was very believable. I love reading stories about the Marauder war (not sure if that's what it's called but I call it that anyway).
I loved your characterisation, it was absolutely perfect! Bellatrix was written brilliantly, you gave her just the right amount of Bellatrix-ness (haha)
JasAuthor's Response: Hey!
Haha, thanks so much. I'm glad that you liked it :P
Yes, he's often forgotten about, so don't worry about having to Google him.
I'm really glad you thought the pacing and flow was good. Trying to write mystery is a step outside of my comfort zone, so i'm really happy that you thought it worked :)
Thanks so much for the review,
- Adele :) Report Review
It's Rosie with your requested review! :)
This was a wonderful, bone-chilling one-shot. The ending was especially unexpected. I'm assuming he died? I love the ending, though. I think it was very creative!
Very well-written. The flow was very good, and the story was easy to understand.
I only noticed one mistake in this sentence: Following the two men, he always stayed a block behind, never loosing sight of the figures. It should be 'losing' not 'loosing.' Not a big deal, just pointing it out.
Overall, this was a very interesting one-shot. Unique with an unexpected twist of the main character dying! Anyway, I loved it! :D
~RosieAuthor's Response: Wow! This was way quicker than expected! Thanks :D
I'm so glad you liked it (and I'll jump on that embarrassing typo ASAP)
I'm so glad that you thought it was 'mysterious' enough. It was defiantly a step outside of my comfort zone, and I was worried that it wouldn't have the right atmosphere.
Thanks so much for this review :D I'll defiantly re-request.
- Adele :) Report Review
Hi Adele! No hard feelings at all. I hope we’ve cleared that up between us, else we’ll just keep apologizing to each other :)
An interesting tidbit of HP canon to take up. And you’ve chosen to tell his story in a one-shot so I’m interested to see if you can make him into a 3 dimensional character by the end of it, so I’ll care what happens to him.
[p]rofessor Binns emotionless tone - the “p” should be capitalized and there should be an apostrophe to denote the possessive noun of Binns’ emotionless tone. There are a few more grammar/spelling errors which could be caught with a good read through.
I like how you’ve made Caradoc to be. He’s impulsive, brave and willing to fight the good fight though the way he may be going about it might not be the best way to do so. He has a healthy respect for Dumbledore but at the same time considers himself to be his own man. It’s interesting to think of Dumbledore as a general yet also not the sort of general that one lived in fear of, unlike Voldemort’s side of things.
What a simple movement or action to get oneself caught. His prayers in the end and how he hopes futilely that he’ll come out is sad. A very believable way for Caradoc to go. It’s not completely unique but you’ve got your own twist on it and I like that I have more of an idea of the type of character that Caradoc is…was :(
The way you wrote this was also slightly formal and I liked it as it was of the older generation and I felt that that kind of made it seem more Marauders’ Era to me.
xCharAuthor's Response: Hey there, Char :)
No hard feelings at all. I'm so glad that's cleared up, because I really like you and was so worried when I thought I might have upset you/been misunderstood. But yes, no hard feelings :)
Oops, sorry about that. I'll jump on those spelling/grammar errors ASAP and have a re-read of the story to pick up any others.
I'm glad you like how I've written him. He's so often overlooked and I personally haven't read many stories about him, so when I read the challenge that it was originally written for, I wanted to give it a shot. I'm happy that you liked how I characterised him, because I was really quite nervous.
I didn't have a plan for this when I wrote it, so the style of writing (slightly more formal) just happened, but I actually liked it by the end, and I'm glad that you did too :)
Thanks again for the review. I'm glad you liked it,
- Adele :) Report Review
I just have to take a second to cheer for the beginning mention of History of Magic-- THANK YOU! Finally! A character who doesn't loathe the class! Every time HoM gets mentioned in fics it's always just a joke because it's supposed to be boring, but I would have to think it couldn't be that bad. And to LEARN from it-- exactly what you should do with history!! fantastic, thank you :D
anyway, praise aside-- this was wonderful! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. With every sentance I was just drawn more into his little adventure, leading up to the end! I'm always "that" reviewer that goes "So wait what happened!?" even if the point was to 'leave it up to the reader'-- but I will refrain from asking :D
I liked how you wrote the mannerisms of the death eaters; they all seemed to fit well with what we know about the characters personallities. I loved the description you used of Bellatrix's voice-- worse than nails on a chalkboard :)
very fantastic one-shot! Your writing is amazing!! This isn't normally the story I'd go for off an authors page, but I'm so glad you asked me to review it because I enjoyed it a lot!Author's Response: Ah! Thank you. It really was a step out side of the box for me too, as generally my writing never works with mystery. Romance, humour, drama, even dark and angsty if you get me in the right mood (I won an award for a one-shot about a schizophrenic woman that lived alone by the edge of a cliff and committed suicide... Yeah, charming tale) but mystery never works.
I'm so glad that you liked this, as it really means a lot to me to hear it. Haha, to be honest? I don't even know. The story came to me as I wrote it, no planning at all, and as that's where I ended it, I don't actually know what happened as it didn't develop that far in my head. I can see something along the lines of them petrifying him and leaving him there in a muggle basement to die, or so many other variables, but honestly, I don't even know. If you can think of something, let me know, yeah? :P
Thanks again for the comments on description. I'm always looking to improve on that, so hearing that you liked 'worse than nails on a blackboard' is great :)
I'm so glad that you liked this, and thanks again for running such a great challenge. And hopefully this has opened your mind to new stories, etc. (Maybe :P)
- Adele :) Report Review
Oh what an interesting one-shot!
It was so interesting to see how Caradoc knew that he was doing something that Dumbledore and Mad Eye would disapprove of but he did it anyway because he was a Gryffindor.
I liked how careless you made the Death Eaters by them not realising that they were talking too loud nor that Caradoc was actually following them. It was really ice to see how kind you made him too with him trying to help the frail old man up which made his death even more horrible.
The fact that he knew he couldn't have saved Dorcas would have been so difficult but the facvt he thought about avenging her death was interesting as it showed that ratehr than running from the situation and saving himself he stayed in that situation to try and take down a few death eaters even if it meant his life was going to end.
I loved this!Author's Response: Caradoc has so much potential as a character due to his disappearance, but I often feel he's forgotten or overlooked. I'm so glad that you found this interesting and refreshing, because I was quite worried about it coming across as boring, etc.
I'm so happy that you liked his characterisation! Both through helping up the old man, to his being a Gryffindor! I worked hard to try and get that right ^_^
Thanks so much for the review. It's hugely appreciated. Report Review
2.200th reviewed chapter.
This was a lovely one shot. You kept me in suspense right up to the end as to the identity of the main character involved. For some reason I thought it was Harry. Then you pull Dearborn out of the hat. Well done, to keep someone in suspense like that is a job well done.
You seem to have a knack for the mystery side of things. Overall a great story and 10/10. Adding to fav story.
What a shame about Dearborn.Author's Response: Ah! 2,200 reviews! Congratulations! ^_^
I'm so glad you liked this. From someone who's obviously done a lot of reading on this site, it's great to hear that you liked this so much.
It's the first mystery style story that i've ever written, and so I was a bit nervous to post it, but i'm glad you like it so much ^_^
Thanks again for the wonderful review!
- Adele :)
P.S. I completely agree about Dearborn. Particularly as I have him as a character in my WIP, where i've grown rather attached to him.
:( Report Review
I liked the description and the mystery aspect of it all. I expected it to be Sirius though. You cut it off at one of the most perfect parts, a part that more could be written, but didn't have to be. The plot is definitely intriguing and I could "see what what happening in my mind's eye" as you put it. I really don't have any major criticism, good job :)Author's Response: It's funny that you mention Sirius. Loads of people seem to be interpreting the character differently, and I find that fascinating. Thanks for mentioning that. ^_^
And i'm glad that you liked the ending. I thought it might be a bit awkward, so it's great to hear that it works. Same with the description (that's always something i'm working to improve upon.)
Thanks for the review,
- Adele :) Report Review
I think I've told you this a hundred times already, but you're such a brilliant writer, I just can't stop repeating that.
I mean the descriptions, the little details, characterization, everything, they're just so perfect. You captivate the reader from the very first sentence and don't let go. You're just so talented, that I can't get over it (x
I just love this story so much ♥
Write more, and faster (xAuthor's Response: No, you rock!
You're amazing, and brilliant, and I can't wait to R&R your one-shot.
Thank you so much for the review XD
And i'll try ;) Report Review
Sorry for the late review, I just got busy and didn't get to this for a very long time and please forgive me, I'm very sorry.
This was interesting I liked the summary, you had pulled me in by that, and I liked the story. I liked the description more so than the small conversation, you have a really good talent for good flow and honestly I liked it quite a bit.
This was all very good and very interesting, kudos to you my friend, kudos to you :)
LizzieAuthor's Response: Haha, don't worry about it!
I'm really glad you liked the story. It's fairly different from what i've written before so... :)
Thanks. I hope my review was helpful to you, and cheers again on the review swap!
- Adele :) Report Review
Oh my...My heart was going a hundred miles an hour reading this. Every fiber of my being yelling inside at Caradoc to not take that final and fateful step. It was intense!
I would say out right that it kept me interested even though you know what's going to happen there is that intrigue to know about it. Your characterization was spot on and I even had my spine tingle when I read Bellatrix's line...goodness that woman gives me the creeps. =)
It's definatly original I have never read anything about Caradoc before where he is the main focus point.
Your descriptions were done very well. I could see everything as you described it. I especially liked how you said "And yet the lion inside of him was determined, so he quickened his pace, avoiding the murky puddles that littered the pavement despite the fact that it hadn’t rained for days."
That was a brilliant line.
Pacing was done well. I didn't feel rushed or that it dragged in anyway either. Dialogue was excellent and went along well with your characterization. It flowed well to, but being as it is me I did notice a couple of things that I wanted to point out to you...
"Grinning at their apparent ease, he realised how much his job would be if he caught them by surprise."
This sentence was a bit confusing for me even when I read it out loud. Were you talking about how difficult his job would be if he had caught them by surprise? That is how I interpret it. If that's what you mean cool, I just wanted to clarify. I also noticed this...
"Caradoc Dearborn is assumed missing by Aurors after his abrupt disappearance in the late afternoon of January 12th. His disappearance follows the untimely murder of the Dorcas Meadows two days beforehand on the 10th of July."
You say that he went missing in January 2 days before Dorcas, but she went missing in July. Just thought I would point that out to you.
I am not being critical or trying to be a nitpick I just want to be honest at what I see and allow you the right to know.
"He sighed, for despite professor Binns emotionless tone, he had never particularly minded History of Magic; one should always learn from the past so as not to make the same mistakes in the future."
"Perhaps that was what the wizarding world needed; a good history lesson, one where they were shown the aftermath of war, shown that prejudice and pride never got the world anywhere."
Those two sentences right above speak volumes! I loved them very much because they're so relatable. If only life could follow these two sentences we would live in a wonderful world. Simply brilliant!!
This has got to be one of the most unique One-shots I've ever had the oppertunity to read. You took on a not so well known character and made it center around him in such a way that you almost feel like you've known him all along.
Keep up the great work! I LOVE your writing!! =)
P.s. I am going to favorite this one too.Author's Response: Ahh, the 2 days before thing is what happens when I don't re-read my editing :S I've fixed it up, and the edited version is in the queue to be validated. And the same with the other thing you picked up on; I need to edit my editing >_< And don't worry about trying to be harsh. You weren't at all, but even it you had been, I would have appreciated it. I love constructive feedback on my stories, otherwise I can't improve as a writer!
But I'm so glad you felt the suspense. I sort of suck at it, and thought that i'd totally failed here, but apparently I haven't and that makes me really, really happy :D
I'm thrilled that you like it, and that you find it unique. I think this might have just made my day. ^_^
Thank you so much for the review, and I'm so glad I could give you something enjoyable to read. I love your reviews, and will certainly re-request when I have the next chapter of Canis Major up (haha, i abuse your review thread >:D)
OH-MY-GOD-A-FAVORITE? :D :D :D :D :D *sqee*
- Adele :D Report Review
Caradoc Dearborn, I had almost forgotten about him :P But seriously I'm happy I stumbled upon this clever one-shot.
I loved it, I mean I could feel the suspense through out it all. But I think the best part was when he was remembering Dorcas's words, and the end.
Also the small portion of the Daily Prophet add a nice touch. It kept us wondering and had you not included it the story would've had an abrupt ending.Author's Response: Thank you so much for this! You actually have no idea how worried I was about this one-shot, so to get feedback like this is amazing. ^_^
I was so worried the suspense wouldn't work, (I suck at writing stuff like that) and i'm really glad you liked the part with Dorcas. I wrote this with another story of mine in mind (Canis Major) where the same character feature. (Although this is way further in the future than than CM is currently up to..)
I also wrote this for the 'leave the ending up to the readers imagination' challenge but didn't get it written in time, but that's why it ends the way it does. ^_^
Thanks again for this review. It means a lot.
- A. Report Review
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