Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! I actually finished this a few days ago, but I just realised that I never actually posted it, just saved it in a text document on my computer. Fail.
I'm happy to review chapter 2 if missing chapter 1 won't make much difference. :) In the future, though, avoid writing general review under areas of concern. ;)
A few mechanical notes first:
When you're using punctuation, it generally comes off as cleaner if you stick with the conventions. Use one exclamation point rather than two, and rather than use both an exclamation point and a question mark, choose one. An ellipsis should only have three periods, not four or five, and it isn't necessary to put a comma after it. Deviating from conventions when it comes to punctuation often has the opposite effect than a person usually intends - it draws attention away from the content and to the punctuation itself. Sticking with the conventions tends to make it more polished.
You were a little inconsistent with Fleur's accent. It was sometimes written as strongly as it was when she'd first come to England, which was presumably about fifteen years ago, and sometimes not written at all. I would suggest doing one of two things: drop the accent entirely, or reference the books very, very closely when writing her dialogue, so you know you're picking up on the right things. Personally, I think that the first option is significantly easier and also probably more plausible - you could mention that she still had a faint French accent or include a couple consistent words (e.g., always write ze) to keep a flavour of it, but after fifteen years, it's reasonable to think that she would have lost most of the accent.
There were also some points where your phrasing was just a little awkward. For example, in the first paragraph, you say, The book was held up in the air by her. It should really be something more along the lines of, Dominique was holding the book up in the air - that's significantly less awkward. You want to make sure that you're keeping most sentences active - someone should be doing something. The focus in this example should be on Dominique, but the way you've phrased it, the focus is on the book. Does that make sense?
As you mentioned in your areas of concern, you did have some issues keeping your tenses consistent, and there were a lot of sentence fragments or places where you really needed a comma. I'm actually going to recommend that you see about getting a beta who's good at grammar to look over it for you - I don't think that I can point out where you were inconsistent without beta-ing the chapter, which I unfortunately don't have time to do right now.
You mentioned characterisation as being your other major concern. I actually thought that you did a pretty good job with it, with Fleur and Dominique in particular. Fleur can be a hard character to write, especially in a motherhood role, but you balanced the equation well. She wasn't boring or OOC, but she was a lot more down to earth than she was in the books - which makes sense, considering that she's significantly older and has three children. It can be difficult to anticipate the way a character might age, but you did a nice job of it with Fleur. The only think I think you could have done to help elaborate on her personality a bit is include more about how she's feeling and what she's thinking, but on the whole, nice job with her.
On the other side of it, a character like Dominique can be difficult to write. She's still quite young, and she's obviously going through a difficult time right now. As with Fleur, though, I think you handled her well - you got across the drama she's creating without going overboard. I thought that she was quite realistic, and I especially liked the fact that you did indicate that this was out of the ordinary behavior for her beyond just explicitly saying that. I could tell as I was reading that this isn't the way Dominique usually acts, and that's important to me as a reader.
Louis and Bill were well done, too, from what I saw - I just saw less of them.
I mentioned this briefly when I was talking about Fleur, but I think that it bears repeating - the only real issue I saw in your characterisation was that there were were points where a little more detail on what they looked like or how they were feeling would have been helpful. For example, when Fleur is talking to Bill at the end of the chapter, you were describing their actions, but there wasn't much real emotional impact. So she pursed her lips and looked deeply into his eyes - so what? What does that mean? What did she see there?
Do you know what I mean?
Other than that, though, I think your characterisation was quite good. The major issue here is mechanics, and if you can get that sorted, I think you'll be good to go. :)Author's Response: Hi, thank you for reading and reviewing, and sorry for taking long to respond.
Your review is very helpful.
Noted! I will not ask for general review again. Sorry I didn't read your review request specification thoroughly.
Punctuation: yes... every reviewers have commented about that. I just haven't got the time to edit. But I will get to them for sure. Thanks a lot for telling me that excess punctuation will distract the reader's focus (which is of course something I don't want to happen).
Fleur's accent: 15 years is indeed a long time, and while losing her accent completely might be reasonable, it's not the case in my head. I imagine she still has it somehow. I thought I toned it down already, but looking at your review, I think I did not do a very good job. I'll try to work on it again, and if I'm stuck, I'll probably just do what you suggested: not using it at all :D
Passive to active sentence: Got it! It's a remain of my report writing style which I've got so used to. Thanks for the input.
I know I have problem with tenses and grammar. Don't worry, I didn't actually intend to make you locate every single mistakes I did. I just needed to know how bad it is. And, with you suggesting me to have the chapter beta'ed, I can feel that it's pretty messy.
I'm glad that the characterization is okay. But as you said, I will try to work more on the detail and what the characters are thinking or feeling when they're doing something. Thank you so much.
Well, I think this story defiantly has potential. The next-generation characters are pretty much OCs with their personalities anyway so I can't really comment on their characterisation. I found Bill a little OOC in this though. I loved Fluer! I love reading about the characters we know and love becoming parents and I think you did a really good job with Fluer!
How old is Dominique again? Because throwing tantrums beyond the age of five (that might even be pushing it) is a very odd thing and i'm assuming this has something to do with the main plot?? But this is me just speculating.
Also, just a suggestion, don't do things like this "...?!" or "...!!" It defers from the story and doesn't look too great. To me, it reminds me of text talk (and text talk drives me mad), it would be easier to just use one and describe how the person was saying it.
Apart from that it was an overal great chapter!
JasAuthor's Response: Hey again!
I'm so glad you like how I wrote Fleur. And as for Bill... :S yea.. I've got similar comment about him being a bit off here. I guess I failed to capture his personality... I did have trouble when writing him... kind of didn't know how to.
I think I really need help for this one. I have a chapter from his point of view later, and I sure want to get it right. I'll see what I can do about it. Thanks for pointing it out.
Dominique is 9 in this story. Ah... so it does seem weird for a girl her age to throw a tantrum. That's good then. Because, yes, it plays an important role in this story.
Sorry, :p I tend to do the excessive punctuation :D. I will surely change it :D
Thank you for reading and reviewing :D
Gray Report Review
javct45 here with your review.
Before I say anything else can I just say sorry for taking so long? I really am! School and work has taken over my life at the moment but I'm here now!
Okay, so I really enjoyed the start of this story. You have set up a firm foundation for Victoire. I can't really comment much on the plot at the moment because not much is happening.
I couldn't pick up any grammatical errors or anything of the sorts which was really good.
I really liked Louis, HE WAS SO CUTE! He was so beautiful! Gosh, I love little kids; they're always so adorable.
Onto the next chapter!
JasAuthor's Response: Hey! Thank you :D No problem at all.
Good thing that you came right after the story had been updated :D --> minimum errors :D :D
Yay! I love little kids too :D I'm glad that you think Louis is cute :D
Cool... see you in the next chapter! Report Review
Hey! Apocalypse, here with your second review!
I think that you shouldn't be worries about you characterization that much. It's only the start of the story and it develops as the story develops so all's good. I'm really liking Fleur's character so far. She's being a very nice mother; I think that the way she returned Louis book to him was very sweet and a very motherly thing to do which suited her personality completely.
Bill, on the other hand, was a bit off. There wasn't any particular point that I can pin point but for some reason, I felt that there should've been more to him. But that could be only because it's only the start of the story and Bill only appeared for the first time. I did however, like how he knew his daughter so well and was going to talk to her about it. That was very sweet of him. =)
I suppose that Dominique throwing tantrums is actually important for your story because if it's not, I don't think you would've made it appeared as a big deal. Anyway, I'm liking this story so far. I haven't really read Bill/ Fleur's story together with their children so it's going to be fun reading it as it progresses.
I hope you liked my reviews and that they helped you. Feel free to PM me with any queries you might have. And feel free to re-request! Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! =DAuthor's Response: Yay for approved Fleur's characterization :D And Bill... yeah... I was worried about him. Be ready to get PM'ed by me as I want to ask whether you have any suggestion about Bill's 'missing' element in this chapter. He will, though, appear more on later chapters. I hope I could do better.
Yes.. her tantrums is actually important :D A nine year old throwing a tantrum is not something unusual. That's why I write it so that readers see that the way she do it in this story is something out of her ordinary self. I don't know if I managed to deliver that point well :S
Yes, your reviews have been helpful. And I'll re-request from you again when the time comes :D I'm not sure it will be soon though... I kinda have problem with the 3rd one :S hehe
Thank you! Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review! Firstly, I'm so very sorry for being so late with your reviews! I've been crazy busy this week and barely got time to get around to reviewing.
Anyway, I'm here now, so I'll try to make it worth the wait. =)
I think that you've got a good start to a good story so far. You can't really call it interesting at the moment because there's barely any substance in this chapter, but it sure has a lot of potential. You've done a good job with the beginning of it all.
I do like you characterization of Victoire. She's been created very nicely and I think that it was very much like her to be standing in front of the mirror admiring herself. You also described her excitement of going to Hogwarts excellently. I had fun reading her characterization.
I think that Louis was too cute in here. His dialogue was very adorable and too sweet, I wanted to pinch his cheeks! =P Moreover, I'm glad that you remembered to give Fleur her accent. Mostly, people don't tend to do that so it's a good thing you remembered. I think that you portrayed her as quite a good mother here; working in the kitchen, listening to her children's problems and talking to them about it. That was very nice of her.
The only thing that I thought that could've been mentioned a little less was the fact about Dom's attitude being strange. Maybe the pouting and scrunching was not like Dominique but I still think that you could've mentioned it a little less. To me, it didn't seem that important that you keep in mentioning it every lines.
I didn't notice many grammatical errors apart from the excessive punctuation. '??!?!!?!?' were too marks and when you add continuation dots, only three are enough. Also, 'grandparent Weasley' in the second last paragraph seems sort of an awkward term to use. You could simply use 'Weasley grandparents..'
There isn't much of a plot in the story that I noticed so far. I think I'll comment on that in the next review. The flow of it all, I think, was pretty good. So good job with that too. =)Author's Response: Hey! Thank you for coming! Don't worry about being late. It's never too late :D
Yes, I agree. There isn't much to say about plotting in this chapter... but I'm glad that at least it has the potential :D
It's great that you like the characterization of Victoire, Louis and Fleur :D I was a bit worried actually, especially for Fleur but I'm glad you liked them.
and about Dom, I guess you noticed from reading the second chapter that her 'attitude' is kind of important. But I see what you're trying to say here. I did repetitively write about the pouting and scrunching to give readers the idea that it's actually something important. But I'll try to do something about it... perhaps tone it down a little bit or make it less repetitive. I'll try to think of something.
Ok, excessive punctuation :p I got similar comment about that. I sure will change it.
Yes... there's still hardly any plot... I hope I can execute it well throughout the next chapters.
Thank youuu :D Report Review
Hello! This is Nymphie Tonks from the forums with your requested review!
This was a pretty good chapter. You have a lot of detail and description added into it, and it made the story read quite easy. You also used very little dialogue, which I actually enjoyed. Most stories I end up reading have more dialogue than anything, but I really do like description! It makes the story easier to read and relate to, so that really was great.
The flow of this was pretty good too. There were a couple places where you switched from the past tense to the present tense, which slowed down the flow. You’re going to want to read through the entire chapter again and look specifically at the tense. There were places where you used ‘is’ instead of ‘was’, and other similar things like that. There weren’t too many, but enough to interfere with the flow.
A couple other things I noticed:
“Before she reached the kitchen, she saw her nine years old sister, Dominique, sitting on the carpet in the living room beside their two years old brother, Louis.” –‘two year old’ you don’t need the ‘s’ on years because of the wording of this sentence.
“She was helping Louis colored a magical coloring book.” –color, rather than colored in this case.
“Fleur chukled subtly as she watched her eldest daughter made annoyed face.” –chuckled needs another ‘c’ in it.
But other than those few things, this really did read well! You did a fairly good job at getting Fleur’s dialogue written, which is something I always struggle with. There also is pretty good potential with this plot, but I would like to see it further advance. That’s not necessarily something you need to fix in this chapter, it may come in more in later chapters, so really, no other complaints! Great job!
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: Hey! Thank you for your review.
I always try to put as little dialogue as possible when writing a story. The next chapter actually has more dialogue than this one, and I do wonder whether it's more than necessary and whether I can cut them out or not... because like you, I also like description :D I'm glad you said the one in this chapter is quite good and detailed.
I will read the chapter again and check on the tenses. Thanks for telling me. And thanks for pointing out all the other typos and mistakes.
Thank you :D
Hey there! I'm so sorry for the late review! I didn't have enough time to give any for the past few days...so sorry!
I think the story is quite realistic and Victoire being all the little-miss-perfect she is. I like the way she was really worried about what's going to happen when she comes to Hogwarts...a true girl she is.
Also, good job for not forgetting Fleur's accent. I have read so many fanfiction with her in it talking in normal english..and it is not acceptable. Some people say she would've adapted a more normal accent because she now lives in England, but I disagree. I maybe in Australia, but I still got this weird asian accent on my tongue...so yeah. I'm a living proof.
Overall, a really great job and the only 'eye-catching' grammar mistake you've done is the ??!?!?!?!? bit in the end.other than that everything else was really smooth.
Green With Envy 2012,
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Hey! No worries... :D Thank you for coming
I'm glad that you think the story is quite realistic. Although, I guess, it's quite hard to see where this story is really going to just by reading the first chapter :D
I agree with the accent thing. I've heard the same opinion about Fleur losing her accent because she lives in England now, but i really think it's not that easy to lose one's accent. I've seen many living proofs too... (I might be one myself, thought I don't actually live in an English speaking country right now, so I don't know if that counts :D).
I did actually toned Fleur's accent here compared to the book (I think)... but yea, I don't want it to be completely gone :D and I'm glad that works for you.
the '??!???!?!!' ? Hehe.. okay :D I'll change it :D eye catching, eh? ;D
Thanks again for reading and reviewing :D
Gray Report Review
You have the start of what looks like a good story here. It seems to be a strong start and the visualisation also seems to be good.
Though you might want to change something at the beginning. You say that a teenage girl looking about 11. Well teenage years start at age 13, and since this is Vicky's first year at Hogwarts you will need to keep the age at 11.
There are one or two grammer errors where you can add a word or two to make something more understandable. But they're easily sorted in editing at a later date.
Will comment more on the plot when you update. So please update soon and adding to favs so I know when you do.
Hufflepuff.Author's Response: Hi :D Thank you for reading and leaving a review.
Aa.. I see. my bad. I've changed it into girl :D
I've re-read this chapter... fixed some parts... added little things too, so I hope it's better now (after the validation is complete).
Yes, please do come back and comment on the plot later. I would love to hear more reviews from you. Thanks once again. Things started to flow back in after I read you review. Hopefully I can update soon :D Report Review
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