I like they way that you built it all up allowing things to click into place one by one and not just starting the obivious. It is indeed an interesting pairing and I think it shows a different side to both their characters which is nice to see rather than just what the books tell us. I like seeing other people's spins on the characters.
The detail is quite good letting me visualise things in the scene to get a better sense of what it happen and going on around them. Overall a good chapater so keep up the good work.Author's Response: I love this pairing! I just think it is something interesting to explore since JKR has said it was very nearly canon!
I liked the fact you liked the detail. Detail is something which I tended to struggle with when I was a new writer so I include so much of it now! Thanks for the review Report Review
Ooh a Hermione/George! I usually ignore this pairing at all costs because although part of me thinks they'd make such a cute couple - my love for Ron is too strong! Haha - but you've really shown the positive attributes of this pairing really well.
You've really caught Hermione's strong personality with her desire to do good and follow the rules mixed with the usual teenage angst of worrying what others think of her. You've shown a different side of her and I love how when she doesn't know what to do or how she really feels, Hermione will explode with anger instead - this is very much like the Hermione from the books!
My only slight confusion was over the 'silently agreeing of not telling anyone but Ginny and Fred'. Obviously Fred and George are twins and would tell each other everything, but Ginny seems a slightly odd choice. To me, Ginny is one of Hermione's friends and they are close in the holidays due to lack of other female company but I wouldn't have seen them as confidents at this stage - but that's just me and my awkward view! :P Though perhaps some description of Ginny and Hermione's relationship would fit really well?
Your beginning is brilliant and overall your entire chapter is very believable, though after the kiss things seem to speed up very quickly. Of course, some relationships just spark from the beginning but Hermione has always seemed a little more reserved and I found her helping with the black-market a little ...stretched? But once again that's just my head canon getting in the way! :P
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this and am looking forward to reading more of Hermione and George's adventures. :)
Keira :)Author's Response: Hello!
To me they sort of are an extremely cute couple which is why I like them and it was very nearly canon according to JK but I do love Ron too!
Hermione is a hard character to write especially because of her inner conflicts. I try to make her believable but at the same time she doesn't know how to react herself about it.
The thing about telling Ginny and Fred is sort of hard to explain but it is seriously needed within the rest but I will try and go back and explain it all. Ginny is a very influential character within this story and she sort of needs to be included within this!
I'm really glad you liked it and I know it does move a little quickly but in a way I tried to make Hermione let loose a little bit and of course she will need to be a little bit stretched to make it work completely Report Review
Hi there! Tagging from the review thread.
Let me get the grammar things out of the way first. They're my least favorite part.
You frequently use however to draw contrast...however ;)...I think you used it a bit too much and it became a distraction. Commas should also be placed around however, but honestly it's just a syntactic thing more than anything. Much like how we find different words for 'said', you shouldn't use however as your main point of showing contrast.
There were also a few moments when I thought you were either missing a word or inserted a repeated word. Nothing big, more a typo than anything, but just in case you didn't see it before.
"It confused her because he was neither was he a prefect nor was he invited (well she didnít know that for sure but come on, it was George Weasley)"
I think you added an extra 'was.'
There were other areas where you didn't insert a comma after a preposition or used a comma when it wasn't necessary. The sentence structure can be confusing and I ended up reading a few of them back to me when I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say.
"Although she knew it was probably nothing there was just something that intrigued Hermione about the situation."
There should be a comma after nothing.
"In all fairness it was common knowledge throughout Hogwarts that there was a Black Market..."
There should be a comma after fairness.
"Walking back from her verbal (nearly uncalled for) attack she felt upset with herself."
There should be a comma after attack.
It's strange because you do it correctly at some points and then you omit it at other points. I think it was more the inconsistency that bothered me, but it's not something that is really a bother. Just something you should keep an eye on.
There are other areas where you rely on run-on sentences when the sentence can be restructured to look stronger. For example,
"This hadnít been taught in lessons or books, how to overcome emotions, and she didnít know how she was going to cope with it."
It would be stronger as...
"Overcoming emotions hadn't been taught in books and she didn't know how she was going to cope with it."
It's cleaner and not as unsteady as having commas all over the place.
There are other areas like that, but I think it's just something you'll improve on as you keep writing. I just thought I'd point it out in case no one else had flagged you over it.
Finallly, onto the story.
I think it's an interesting pairing and one that's always held merit in my eyes. Hermione's struck me as someone who needed an older, mature person and George, although a prankster, has certainly proved himself as a shrewd businessman.
Her internal conflict over her appearance towards other people is a believable conflict a girl like Hermione would have. Thus, turning towards George, an invariable opposite, would be a logical step for her and Hermione, if anything, is a logical person.
The interplay between the two was well written and I think the story really started to flow when she discovered him after berating him earlier. You write their brief interlude very well and I appreciate the little nods to their characters (Hermione saying she's jotting down all the names and George - I'll sort everything about tomorrow. Very guy-like).
All in all, a cute story with strong characterizations. The grammar could use some work, but it's more inconsistency than it is lack of understanding.Author's Response: Thank you for the excessively long review! I am sort of in the middle of doing an edit for this so I will be sure to add some of your points.
My grammar is sort of a problem but I'm sending this to a beta so hopefully it won't be as bad once she sends it back :) I have a lot of problems with grammar in general so I am trying to sort my commas out!
I love the pairing of George and Hermione in general because I agree that he is a business man.
I'm glad you think it was believable and worked. I love characterising them :D
Thank you for the review Report Review
I can't wait for the next chapter. I love this story so far. There aren't any mistakes.
Great story, Keep it up,
AJPotterAuthor's Response: Hey thank you for your review!
The next chapter will be up soon! Report Review
Hello! This was very cute, I think you did both of them quite a bit of justice, I can definitively see George running the black market, however I think you may want to be a little careful when writing Hermione, just to make sure she stays enough in canon. :)
Thanks for swapping with me!Author's Response: Hey :)
I'm glad you thought this was cute and did them justice! The idea of George running the black market was actually one from my friends but I liked it.
Hermione is a difficult character to write in this but I think I tried to keep her in canon as much as I could! Report Review
Hi, here from review swap.
Aww, I don't usually go for non-canon pairings but I thought this one was really cute :') I quite liked how you've made Hermione not so stuck-up but be careful it doesn't become OCC. Also, is the love potion still working on them both when they fall asleep?
I really liked this chapter and am looking forward to the next :) You've made George really sweet and he was always the sweeter twin. Where's Fred btw? Dead, or not working that night?
Anyway, maybe I'm just being slow! Haha, great story!Author's Response: Hey :)
Thank you so much for your review!
I'm glad you liked this was cute! It won't become too OOC because as she gets older she wil change quite a lot and because of that then she will seem to have changed gradually and not become too OOC.
The love potion is working on them to some extent but to some other extent she doesn actually like him so I think yes, but it isn't the main reason they fall asleep together.
I'm glad you're looking forward to it! And Fred just isn't working, he isn't dead yet! Report Review
I love reading about Hermione and George as I find them a sweet ship and I really liked this. I adore the characters and it's always interesting to see what people do with them. You can see that Hermione trusts George a lot. The flow was perfect, it was smooth and I couldn't pick up on any errors as I was reading this. I adored your description as well, it was great. And the characterization is really good as well.
In all, I really enjoyed this, so thanks for a wonderful review swap.Author's Response: Hey :)
Thank you for the review. I love the Hermione/George ship too so I'm glad you liked it! I always think that Hermione would trust George a lot mainly because they've known each other for how many years and whilst George is a prankster through and through, hermione also knows he doesn't mean any harm by what he does!
I'm glad you liked the description and the characterisation! Report Review
I review as I go along, so any comments about your story as a whole will come after I adress things like sentence flow and any stand-out grammatical errors. :)
At the beginning of the chapter, I've noticed that you're using 'however' as an aside. This flows nicely with the writing, but you should place commas around it.
"But Hermione already knew that he was lying however Professor McGonagall chose that moment to sweep into the room, officially calling the meeting to order, preventing Hermione from pursuing the matter further." This is a bit of a run-on sentence. As you said you were concerned with the length, I think it would be okay if you just got rid of the words 'officially calling the meeting to order'. I don't think any meaning would be lost without this. :)
"She went through the mental list of who she spoke to and tried to second guess what they thought about her, especially people that didnít know her that well but she felt herself lingering over George in particular." You should put a comma after 'well' in order to clarify the sentence's meaning.
"she was overcame with anger which she couldnít control" I think you mean 'overcome' :)
"The actions she took next stunned even herself, with her not believing she had actually got that amount of anger built up inside her. Storming over to George in the corner, she snatched the bag he was holding out to first years before berating him about his immaturity and irresponsibility" I think you should go into more detail here. It would be great to see some of their interaction and to see George's reaction to her verbal abuse.
"As she approached further, she noticed that he had put his hands out in an attempt to guard what was behind his back. He looked flustered and had that same Weasley blush, Ron always had when he was embarrassed or trying to hide something. George looked somewhat like a five year old whoíd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar." I like your characterization of George here. You stay very true to character, which is a difficult thing to do when you're trying to distiguish George from Fred. :D
"throwing his head into an armchair whilst holding his head in his hands, groaning loudly." This is worded oddly and is kind of confusing.
"She rolled his eyes at his lack of forward planning." I think it should be 'She rolled her eyes'
"George looked confused at her sudden change in behaviour and wondered for a moment whether she had swallowed the Essence of Insanity hidden in one of the boxes somewhere." On a side note, the bit about the Essence of Insanity made me chuckle. :) It was a very George-y statement.
"She liked his touch and the way his fingers just caressed her scalp, making her feel relaxed and comfortable around the guy that was her best friendís brother." I would change the part at the end of the sentence about George being Hermione's best friend's brother. I'd like to think that she wouldn't be thinking about Ron while kissing George. ;)
"Peeves seemed to be floating around on the astronomy tower but neither of them even wanted to imagine what he was doing. Probably leaving a trail of destruction in his path for Filch to have to tidy up and moan about in the morning." You included Peeves! You have no idea how excited that makes me. :) He's always neglected in Fanfiction.
The whole chapter was very cute. Hermione/George is always an interesting read. I liked your idea that Hermione would even give up her no-rule-breaking lifestyle for George. :)
-KristenAuthor's Response: WOW! Thank you so much for such a long review and getting to my request so quickly!
My over use of the word however... I really really need to stop using it as much! Thank you for pointing it out, at least now I know people do notice it!
Your comments will be so helpful when I have change to edit this!
Hermione's verbal outburst to George is actually canon so I couldn't expand on that without going over the three line rule which really really sucked otherwise I would have expanded more about the reaction ect.
I have a clear distinction in my mind about the characters of Fred and George and I tried to show this in here. So I'm glad you liked it!
Peeves is a star! I have got half of a story written about him so let me know if you want to read it when it's up!
I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
Hi :) I was thinking maybe you could change this line "Well thatís what McGonagallís letter said anyway. " to "Well, at least thats what McGonagall's letter made it seem like." or something like that. Also, I was thinking you should split up the sentence "But Hermione already knew that he was lying however Professor McGonagall..." into "But Hermione already knew he was lying. However, Professor McGonagall..." Okay, enough with grammar :P (I'm a grammar nazi)
Hermione's outburst was kind of completely uncalled for, almost to the point that it didn't make sense. Maybe you could have George actually do something to provoke her? I think it moved a bit quick, Hermione just started to like George, she suddenly smells him in Amortentia, then they kiss?
BUT overall good job with Hermione/George. It's a hard ship to do.Author's Response: Hey :)
Thank you for the review.
I will be sure to get some editing done with this. Hermione's outburst is actually canon! People have been saying that to me and I'm like I know but it's canon! I may have to rewrite it a little bit.
It did move a little bit quick but at the same time I really didn't want this to be too long!
I haven't read much Hermione/George before, but I think I could grow to like this pairing. Both Hermione and George are characters I love.
I think that you have done a great work of letting us know the thoughts and feelings of Hermione, for example how she sometimes hides that she thinks something is funny, just because she feels that she is supposed to do so. When she doesn't know how to react she explodes with anger instead. That is very much like her.
I was a bit confused about the part when they silently agreed of not telling anyone but Ginny and Fred. I can understand why George would tell Fred, as they are twins and maybe share everything, but Ginny? Maybe you could add something about how close Hermione and Ginny are to tell each other things like that?
I think that the first part of your chapter is really believable, but after the kiss things are happening too fast. I don't believe that Hermione would accept the black market business that easy, neither that she would agree to sleep in the same bed as a boy this early in a relationship (unless, maybe, if there had been a lot of build up before, and maybe if she was older). Personally I would have wanted her to go back to her own room after the kiss, and then let them meet a few days later.
It will be interesting to see where you're taking this story from now, how they are going to interact the next day, and if this secrecy is going to work out. I would love to read the rest of this fic!Author's Response: Hey :) Thank you so much for the review.
Hermione and George were a pairing I stumbled upon quite on accident when I thought I was reading a George and Angelina story! So I'm glad you might grow to love it because I most definitely do!
I'm glad you thought my beginning bits of showing how Hermione felt. She is a very complex character to write personally!
The silently agreeing to tell the others is vitally important in the next chapters because of the stories that are to come. I was sort of *hoping* that it wouldn't stand out too much but maybe I may need to clarify some things. But honestly there is a lot to be gained from having her tell Ginny!
After the kiss, I thought things needed to be moved on a little bit. Personally I do think by fifth year she would accept the Black Market quite readily because she's already become quite a rebel within the stories and she doesn't seem very concerned within the books about breaking the rules.
The idea of her sleeping with George just shows how much she already trusts him and is sometimes sick of the standards she feels like she has to uphold. She is letting go a little bit and nothing is happening with George then, it's harmless and all they're doing is sleeping which doesn't make it as bad.
This story will become my little baby soon as soon as I've finished one of my other WIP's so when it's up I will be sure to rerequest you! Report Review
I just wanted to start off with saying how impressed I am with your chapter.
The way you have them characterized is great. I think that they stay true to their characters, but give it alittle twist as well. I can definitely see Hermione breaking the rules, especially in her 5th year.
Flow of the story was smooth and kept a good pace. I don't think you lost anything with it being a longer piece. I found the length of the story more of a benefit then anything else. You were able to take your time and fully tell it. Not rush through and leave out minor details that would help the readers.
For example your description and characterization. They really made your story much more believable because we all know what George and Hermione are like and they acted the way we would expect them to, but again with a twist. The description made your story more vivid to the imagination so when you put the two things together, they complimented one another quite nicely.
I did notice one sentence at the begining that was a bit confusing to me even after I read it out loud...
"It confused her because he was neither was he a prefect nor was he invited"
I figured you might want to review that.
Overall, I really thought that this story was great and it made me have to see things outside of the box instead of the normal Ron/Hermione. So I thought that was a wonderful treat. I also think you kept the story true to the way you wanted it told.
Keep up the great work! =)
-SR17Author's Response: Hey thank you so much for your long review!
I'm glad you think I characterised them well. That was one of my main worries when posting it because there are so many avid Ron/Hermione shippers and sometimes I am just not one of them! Hermione to me is a little bit of a rebel in fifth year and in that over I can see her changing very quickly particularly after Voldermort returned in GOF. If you've ever seen LovlyRita's drawing of 'Black Leather Pants Hermione,' that's my Hermione!
I felt because this is going to be a short story collection that I could afford to make it a longer piece. I liked the pace I was going ad whilst at times it was a little bit gruelling to go over and edit it I really thought it was worth it so I'm glad you did too!!!
Yay I love compliments about my characterisation and my description! They are the things I most stuggle on and have been working so hard to try and make them better because I feel that I'm not doing the character justice if the piece isn't 'just right'.
That sentence is confusing isn't it... *Finds editing glasses!* I shall go and sort it out now thank you for pointing it out!
N'awhhh, Hermione/George is so cute :D
Your Hermione is very canon, and the scene you described was in the books, wasn't it? I'll never be able to read that bit again with out thinking 'and then George and Hermione made out'. :D
It was all very cute and fluffy, although I think George and Hermione got together very quickly.
I loved this line: 'sending shudders into the very foundations of Hogwarts'. Great!
Overall, very well-written and I really liked this!Author's Response: Hey :)
I'm glad you like Hermione/George. It is one of my favourite pairings and just wanted to try and do it justice! The scene was in the books and I wish I could have expanded more about that scene but at the same time I didn't want to go over the three line rule!
Hermione and George got together quickly because frakly it fitted well with the story whether it was a little OOC but by fifth year I think Hermione would have been a little more daring, prepared to take risks and chances!
Thank you for the review! Report Review
great start =]! please go on!Author's Response: Hey :)
Thank you for the review! The next installment will be up soon! Well as soon as I've typed it up on my computer! Report Review
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