Devlin Potter
By gingeredtea

Chap 1

Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review. This story is certainly unique so far! :) There were a few spots that I had questions about, but as I kept reading the answers fell into place.

For instance, "The cold floor sent a chill up his entire body and the last-minute healing prickled unpleasantly on his skin, hiding the bruises that he still felt deep in his bones." I was not sure what the last minute healing referred too, and thought that Draco had healed him after torturing him. Did his body do it spontaneously after a transformation? If so, you could probably change "last-minute" to something like "spontaneous" and it would offer a clue without giving anything away.

"Devlin's internal instincts, driven by the amber eyes that lurk behind his green, shift to accommodate this realization." - Also, I was unsure what this meant, I thought he might be a metamorphmagus? Or that the different eye colors just referred to traits he's inherited from his parents (Green eyes from Harry and amber eyes from his mother?) But I gather the amber eyes are part of a werewolf transformation?

I do like the way this is revealed gradually, instead of just being stated upfront. I appreciate the mysterious aspect. :)

I also like the way you have Devlin reason through everything: putting worth and less together, and figuring that Voldemort enjoyed cruelty.

I like how angry Harry is in this chapter. It's a definite twist from what I'm used to reading, but it doesn't seem out of character -- especially considering he's lost his son.

"He would have simply thrown it aside, except that Hermione had drilled into his head over the years to always test such things with a revealing spell. So he did." - This line made me chuckle. I think its really interesting that Ron is the more cool-headed one, maybe because of Hermione's influence over the years?

I love that so many characters have survived the war, and am really interested to find out what they've all been up to, how they've changed (or not changed), etc.

I found these details about Devlin intriguing: "He would watch you and you felt like he was memorizing you - and he was. He could copy things - behaviors, spells, words, accents...anything. If he saw it, he could do it. He...he impressed the Dark Lord." Im curious to find out more about his abilities and how he survived; is he just resourceful or does he have sociopathic tendencies like Voldemort?

This first chapter has definitely fascinated me enough to keep me reading and see where it goes from here. :)

Author's Response: I’d like to begin by saying thanks for the review! :)

I was hoping your opinion would concur with others about the uniqueness.

About the ‘mysteriousness’ of some facts - I suppose to make it feel authentic I wanted to keep it to what Devlin was thinking and so some of it wasn’t exactly clear. That said, I do plan on all the details being revealed later in the story. Furthermore, your original instincts were right: Malfoy tortured him and then healed him before delivering the boy to Voldemort. Partly I decided it would be so because Voldemort’s orders with Potter have always been to leave him to Voldemort and so if I were in Malfoy’s shoes I’d be worried if I didn’t torture the boy and also if I had. So he healed him, but like a man not too interested in the ‘healing’ part, he did a rough job of it.

The next quote is left without a clear answer on purpose, although I provide plenty of clues and expect people to reach the right answer by the end of the scene - which you did. Yes, werewolf.


Ooh, good - I’m glad you liked the mysteriousness. I hoped I hadn’t left it to unclear but just unclear enough that you felt like you were in the characters head.

This first scene has taken a LONG time to reach this point. It is really very hard for me to show Devlin’s character (and the depth of the story) while still ensuring he comes across as a child. It had been recommended that I use child-speech “the bad manâ€� “hurtâ€� instead of “cruelâ€� etc. etc. but that was never true to my writing style or to Devlin’s ‘character’. Things like ‘worth’ ‘less’ I felt really helped us see the logicalness that consumes Devlin. On some level I think it was easier for Devlin to figure out that Voldemort enjoyed cruelty, than it might have been for another child.

I felt that losing Sirius had a profound impact on canon-Harry, but I knew that losing a child had to have a whole-different kind of impact. I’m always glad to hear when my Harry comes across realistically, because I feel that is the best compliment an AU author can receive - after all it is Harry that we all know the best.
:D @ making you chuckle.

When Ron stormed off in the last book, he came back much more cool-headed. I think seeing Harry suffer like he did losing his son, sobered Ron up and forced him to be there for Harry. Dragging Harry back out I think was re-enforcing to Ron that they were adults now, in the middle of a war that was to be respected because this could happen. Hermione probably had a lot to do with it too ;)

The funny thing is, when I began this story Sirius hadn’t died yet, we’d never met Tonks, etc. etc. So it is more AU now, then it was when I began it! It’s been really fun rewriting it all and being able to incorporate all this new knowledge!

“Im curious to find out more about his abilities and how he survived; is he just resourceful or does he have sociopathic tendencies like Voldemort?â€� Good question. Both I would say - one perhaps feeding the other. The question is was the sociopathic tendency born from resourcefulness (how much do you allow yourself to feel when you are trying to survive around evil people?), or is the resourcefulness a by-product of sociopathic tendencies?

:D :D :D @ you being impressed enough to continue! I’ll definitely be re-requesting!


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Review tag!

Wow, this is another very powerful chapter. I really enjoy your writing style: it's very strong and compelling! The characterization is very good as well: I can really feel Harry's desperation, and Devlin's anger and confusion in the memory. Harry's guilt over having given up on Devlin while he was still alive was very heartbreaking.

I really like the character of Geoffrey as well! He seems to have a lot of depth and he isn't purely "good" or "evil," he's just trying to survive. He clearly cares for Devlin as well. I really like the conflicting morals and emotions here: Harry sees Geoffrey as a jailer of his son, but Geoffrey sees Harry as a parent who let his child be bit by a werewolf.

I liked this sentence: "Geoffrey would like to know who or what chose the destiny of the powerful." It really sums up the whole conflict nicely, doesn't it?
It will be very interesting to see whether Devlin turns out more like Harry or Voldy. I can definitely sense the Voldy in him, but I wonder if he will be reunited with his parents and how that would change things.

Anyway, great job with another powerful and well-written chapter! :)

Author's Response: :D :D @ believable and compelling and connecting to characters!

I also really like Geoffrey. He is a good man who has grown up around evilness and so he can't be entirely good, ever. His thoughts and logic are a Death Eater's for the most part, but he responses and reactions are his own. He is especially protective of Devlin.

*Huge grin* @ you liking THAT quote. It is my FAVORITE quote of possibly everything I have written so far! :D

I think in regards to Devlin that it is always important to remember that J.K Rowling said Voldemort would have been different if he had been raised by his family. Yet he still would have been Tom Riddle, the boy who could become the monster. Devlin could be either, just like Tom Riddle could have.

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Here for review tag!

Well this story just keeps getting more interesting. I liked the way you expressed the thought process of Devlin. I also liked how frequently he associated everything with what his grandfather had told him. It was very believable. I also like how the differences between Harry and Alex are emphasised, I think Alex can handle Devlin better, lol. I wonder how Emma is taking everything though, it has to be so baffling to her. All in all, this was an interesting chapter. I enjoyed your descriptions. The plot is unfolding well.

Good job!
Cheers
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: :D Thanks for the review!



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Hello, and thank you for requesting in my review
thread.

First off, the only spelling/grammar errors I found really were when you would have a word and the an italicized word, you tend to forget a space in between. Example: No Death Eater deserved to see Harry likethat. Other than that you were good in that area.

I really quite liked this chapter. It was especially good as an introductory chapter, it was a nice length, and I had a lot to get into.

The plot is… interesting. I’ve never actually read AU but this was not what I was expecting. However, The summary you gave me in my review thread did not do this story justice. The one in your summary really got me excited about it though. The one in the actual story summary is very choppy. I would suggest sticking with one consistent one.

(I know you asked for characterization, I am sorry, I am getting to it, I promise)

So on to the actual story. I liked Devlin’s character however I was not expecting him to be that young, and I think it was because it was in third person and you were obviously using a more educated tone with that which was good. I would suggest stating his age earlier in the chapter to avoid that confusion. However, the tone of the story combined with the characters really worked, and this chapter brilliantly set-up the rest of the story.

That being said, I am a big stickler for cannon when it comes to the trio. Your Harry wasn’t JKR, however I did see a lot of influence from it. You took Harry and adapted him, so we can still see him as Harry. Again with Ron, the same applies. So although I really only like cannon, this was still really nice. I was still able to enjoy it.

Devlin was interesting. I hope we see more of him in later chapters, a more established and older Devlin. His character is more revolved around the plot, though, so I think as the plot twists we will see more of that interaction.

Since you asked for characterization I won’t keep going on, but I would like to compliment on your writing style. It’s very mature and established and I really enjoyed reading this chapter.

Please feel free to re-request.

Oliver
Shudder22

Author's Response: Thank you for the review! The feedback on the summary, while not requested, is VERY good. I suck at summary's so knowing which one appealed more is a great help! :D

I'll try to slip in his age in a not so obvious way (which would seem sort of cheesy to me like stories that start with the 'Isabelle was twenty-two had brown hair and blue eyes...'

Eee - that is a great compliment for a writer and I am always glad to hear that my style is enjoyable! :D

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Hi there, here from the review tag :)

First of all, your summary is very intriguing!! I actually really love AU if it's written in a way that makes sense to the books and stays in character, and you pull this off rather well.

I really like Devlin so far and how he is portrayed as being both childlike and brave in his young way. It's interesting to read stories told from the limited POV of a child: for example, how he has heard his parents talk about Voldy but doesn't quite grasp the entire concept, only what he's heard.

The part about not wanting to be worthless is pure gold: very Slytherin of him, wanting to prove himself! Also, it's so horrible that Voldy would use the Cruciatus curse on poor little Devlin (though I can't say I'm surprised), but I really liked how the kid tried to hold his ground and not show the pain. It reminded me a lot of Harry in the best way.

Speaking of Harry, I like this non-Golden version of himself. The description of losing innocence is very strong, and I think it might parallel what is going to happen to Devlin. The idea of Harry getting carried away and his all-consuming hatred is very believable: he might be a hero, but nobody can be noble and perfect all the time.

The mysterious Death Eater and his strange compassion is a very interesting twist. I'm curious to find out more about him, and why he's willing to help Harry.

The Death Eater's description of Devlin at the end is very intriguing, it reminds me of Tom Riddle as a boy. This is a really great start to a story, and already leaves me wanting more. Well done!!! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
I am always glad to hear I pull of a realistic AU, because that is one of the best compliments an AU can receive, in my opinion. :)
Devlin coming across as child-like in this first chapter was actually a big feat that took a lot of rewriting to get it to where it is now! So YAY for it working!

I also loved the "worth" "less" thing and how it played out.

I think that losing a child would make even the noblest of us crack - or at least make our fractures more visible. But along with that, Voldemort's horcrux has also had many more years in Harry...

The "Death Eater" as he is known now, is one of my favorite character to write. I imagine him as a mix between Dumbledore and Snape. lol

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This was definitely interesting! I normally read canon stories, but this was actually really good. Although, there is one thing I didn't understand. Devlin is Voldemort's son, but he had Harry's green eyes? And also the wolf urge? Hm, I assume that you explain more in the upcoming chapters?

Anyway, I liked your descriptions, they were great (and that's very important to me when I read stories!) You've certainly created something unique here, and I'm interested to see what will happen next!

Author's Response: I won't respond to the wolf urge, because anything I say would definitely be a spoiler. On the other hand, I will respond to the Devlin-as-Voldemort's-son bit. He's not. He's Harry's son. He's Voldemort's GRANDSON, through his mother, who married Harry. ;) I never felt quite satisfied with the Harry related to Voldemort stories, but always wanted to write a character connected to him. The more I thought about it the more I felt it was probably realistic to imagine that Voldemort had taken part in the 'games' during his first uprising. So Alexandra thought she was a Muggleborn because her mother ran away from the wizarding world after by chance escaping a Voldemort encounter. I'm not sure what the rules for talking about mature themes in reviews are, but I'm sure you've understood the basic idea. :)

I am glad it was better than you expected - I seem to appeal to the 'I don't usually read AU story' crowd. lol. Please stop by and find out more! :) Thanks for the review!

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Hey, it's me (finally)!

Harry's characterisation is absolutely stellar in this chapter. In the previous chapters, you've established his character as AU!Harry, who is a different person because he is fighting a different war; in this one, however, your portrayal of the massive amounts of love he has for Devlin/Dubhán and Alexandra relates him back to canon!Harry, even as we can clearly see he's capable of threatening to 'peel apart' Geoffrey's mind. (That's a nice little turn of phrase, by the way.)

That said, I'm not a huge fan of the idea that Harry is a good enough Legilimens to implant information into someone's mind. I know that right now it's not extremely important to the plot and why am I even complaining about this, right, but judging by the kind of stuff Harry gets up to in canon he seems to be more of a hit-and-run thief with his magical style - he's more likely to take something from someone's mind, in this case, than add to it. If that made any sense at all.

Having written that, though, I've realised the canon divergence point - assuming there is one - for this AU is one of the earliest ones I've seen (apart from the alternate parentage/Sorting ones). It'd be really helpful to us as readers if you'd mention somewhere within the story where in the HP timeline this fic diverges from canon - it's messing with my understanding of this story, which is a shame, because this is really good otherwise.

Now that I have stopped rambling on about a throwaway line - Geoffrey's PoV was interesting in this chapter too, because it's so different to what we've seen of him in previous chapters. Your use of run-on quasi-stream-of-consciousness sentences to describe his panic and pain after he's arrived at the safe house feels natural, and it's a pleasant surprise, since you don't often get that kind of language in action/drama novels.
(Yeah, I notice the most random things, I know.)

I did notice in this chapter that you've had a fair few technical issues. There are probably more typos and places where you accidentally a word here than in the previous couple of chapters, and either you're having a formatting issue or you're using italics far too much - by the time I reached near the end of this chapter, your italicised words had ceased to have as much impact on me than they probably should have done.

Well done writing, though - this is probably my favourite chapter so far, despite all my criticism, for its emotional intensity alone - and I can't wait to see what Devlin turns out to really be like. You'll be seeing me around in the future, that's for sure. :D

Author's Response: Glad to hear that, for the most part, Harry came across as believable. :)

Throughout the story I try to make hints at the part of Voldemort's soul in Harry. Canon!Harry lost Sirius and Dumbledore and even though that troubled him deeply in the books (which might be an understatement), I imagine losing a child is something all together different. I think the anger and fear and 'jadedness' allowed the bit of Voldemort's soul to dig a bit deeper in him.

In the first chapter when Harry has Geoffrey pinned to the ground I describe him using a calm voice that he only uses when he feels rage. "An oddness bloomed in his chest and his magic always flared."

In chapter three I try to hint at it again: "Harry was always the most lost when he was feeling nothing at all." “I can peel apart your mind,â€� Harry said harshly, feeling that anger consuming him again. [...] Harry should stop, but he didn’t, because when he got like this - so angry, furious, wanting, needing, demanding - it was almost impossible to stop." I do think Harry could probably tear Geoffrey's mind apart, because that would take less skill than leaving a mind in tact. Harry even admits later that: "He hadn’t been entirely sure he could have gotten the information from the man with force." I think that comment was mostly bravado.

The next part, about implanting the information kinda made me laugh because I totally didn't link that to Legilimency! I figured there was probably a spell or something to implant a location into someone's mind - after all you have to be able to picture the place you are going and I doubt most people are good enough Legilimens to do that. When I edit the chapter perhaps I'll say "I'll use a spell..." or after say something like: "There were spells that could do that. If Harry were a better Legilimens he might have been able to implant it more concretely, but he had become especially good at the spell."

The divergence issue. Yeah. I know. You see when I started this story way back in 2004 (hence me rewriting it), it was not as much an AU as it is now. We didn't know Harry would marry Ginny. Remus was still alive! We hadn't even met Tonks! So...I actually have to go backwards and identify in my own story when it changed.

There was more of a 'war' earlier. There was no tricking Harry to come rescue his godfather in this story - there was war. And during that war, Harry met Alexandra (I do know how, but I'm considering posting a side-story one-shot so I won't reveal how here). Later I imagine Harry will tell Devlin that "sometimes when you think you are going to die, you do things you wouldn't have otherwise" which is just what Harry did when he slept with Alexandra. Obviously she got pregnant and they got married.

Now Harry had something that wasn't out of his control - it counted on HIM in a different way than his friends or this women he had fallen in love with. It NEEDED him. He stopped being so rash. He started making sure he was more informed and he stopped being a boy who followed Dumbledore's ideas blindly - he couldn't JUST be a soldier - he was a father as well. In some ways he probably put off the true 'battle' because he feared he would lose and Devlin would lose him like he had lost his father.

So I hope my ramble wasn't too long and annoying and I hope it explained some things. I am definitely working on putting the information out there, although I think it will be in the form of a couple one-shots.

I'll also look into the formatting issues and reconsider my italics. I tend to get into a mode and perhaps use them more than I should. ;-)

And woot about it being your favorite chapter so far!!! Please so come back!

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Hi! I'm here for your requested review. =)

Well, it's most certainly an AU fic, if there ever was one. I haven't read anything similar, so points for originality. I liked that you got a reader in the middle of the story right from the beginning, and that the story just flowed from there.

I'm quite excited to see that Sirius is still alive, because he is one of my favorite characters in canon, and his death was pretty pointless there. Oh, yay, and there's Remus too.

Renaming Harry's kids and marrying someone who isn't even canon got me scratching my head for a while, but maybe there's some kind of side plot there still uncovered. Oh, now I see *doh*, when I reread the summary... I'm not sure, if all that info needs to be in the summary though, since it acts as a kind of spoiler there. I'd definitely consider writing less spoiling summary for your story.

I'm surprised that Harry didn't force the Death Eater to drink Veritaserum. It would have been very logical thing to do. The Pensieve scene was very well written, it served its purpose and let readers see bit more interaction between Harry and Devlin. Characters felt natural, and dialogue fit well to them.

As this is the first chapter, it naturally raised many questions. It's really sign of a good fic, when you don't get all the answers in the beginning. The most pressing one that I'm pondering is, whether Voldemort sent the Death Eaters to be captured on purpose or not. But I guess I've to read further to see about that. =)

It's quite intriguing beginning for sure.

If you've questions about my review, you can send me PM on the forums. Happy writing!


P.S. For a next time: if my slots are filled, please wait until there's room before requesting. Thanks. =)

Author's Response: First off, sorry about requesting I must have miscounted. I try really hard never to request when slots are full! Eeep *hangs head*

As for the summary, I have gone back and forth on it. It is so AU (and I haven't seen a story like it either) that until I made the summary sort of obvious, no one was reading it! It's like people wanted to know what they were getting into, kinda? Or people would read it and think Harry was related to Voldemort (in the older version, I've made it more clear in this one) and then review that it wasn't believable etc., etc., so I made it an obvious summary.

I think Harry didn't really want to be proven wrong. He wanted to keep that hope, in some way. I think that will be more clear as we go forward.

I'm glad you liked it and that it left some mystery! :)

Thanks so much for the review!

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Hehe, hello. . . . . . .Siriusly89 here with your insanely late review. . . . .really, I do apologise...

Anyway, I’m back, for another riveting chapter!

We’re sort of looking at it from Geoffrey’s point of view in the beginning, aren’t we? It’s interesting to see his sort of take on the whole situation, especially seeing as he is pretty close to death (Harry is not a happy bunny, needless to say!)

I knew it! Devlins a werewolf! I knew it! I’m just sitting here chanting ‘IknewitIknewitIknewit like a crazy, but anyway!

Ah1 We finally meet Devlins mother. What I love is how we keep seeing the small comparisons between Devlin and his parents, it’s really nice!

I’m really liking Geoffrey more and more as this goes on. Yes, he is a Death Eater, but he obviously cares for Devlin, and he cares about Harry and Alex to a certain degree as well, because he doesn’t really want them to see what Devlin’s like, although I am rather intrigued!

Oh gosh, the memories are almost disturbing! Devlin, or Dubhán, seems so . . . . mentally disturbed or something. It’s sort of creepy, but very intriguing at the same time! He sort of commands respect, almost like a mini-Voldemort! As Geoffrey said, he really isn't like a child at all, he reminds me more of Snape or someone like that, someone who lives with a lot of sadness and repressed rage almost, and thats sort of scary, considering Devlins a child!

Feel free to re-request, I promise it won’t take so long next time!

Author's Response: Late reviews are fine. I have patience for things like this ;-). A good review is always worth waiting for.

Yeah, Devlin is a werewolf. But how? Hmm? Ten points if you can guess who bit him and twenty if you can guess the why/how part! ;-)

Mentally disturbed...yeah that might be true. There is definitely a mental difference going on. A mini-Voldemort - absolutely, at least as far as how he comes across. Perhaps intentionally?

"someone who lives with a lot of sadness and repressed rage almost, and thats sort of scary, considering Devlins a child!"

That is probably all true.

He's a very clever child and I'll leave it at that. :)

Thanks so much for the review and I'll definitely be re-requesting!

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Hi, there! I'm annoyed with myself. I tried to catch you when you were the last post in Review Tag, but then you weren't any more. So the heck with it. I'd rather read something I enjoy.

I'm really starting to get into your AU version of the wizarding world. The idea of Harry as a long-suffering father of a son who's fallen into the clutches of the Dark Lord is one of the most original things I've come across in quite a while. And you keep layering additional nuances onto your premise. It's very complex and interesting. The idea that Devlin is a werewolf adds even a bit more difficulty and conflict to what I assume will be a very tricky family reunion. If the social status of werewolves among the wizards of Britain remains an issue -- and with Voldemort having a pack of them as part of his forces, I'm sure that's not helping -- then I can see it being very difficult for Harry and Alex to convince Devlin that he's better off leaving the Dark Lord behind. All in all, a very interesting story you're setting up here.

Geoffrey seems like a really intriguing character, too. It's pretty obvious that he's attached to the boy, both magically and at a personal level. They share the difficulty of having lycanthropy, but it feels like more than that. He seems to feel paternalistic toward Devlin, but also somewhat in awe of the boy. He has such a disciplined mind -- an obvious plus when trying to survive among the Dark Lord's treacherous followers -- that I feel as though there's a lot more he has yet to say.

Alex came off as a very powerful, very intelligent and very intuitive witch. Definitely not somebody to be underestimated or trifled with. She seemed to compliment Harry really well. She's much more direct and insightful than he is.

This chapter felt kind of rough, like it could use a good scrub. The first part, especially, had a lot of typos and issues around verb tenses. At times, it felt like you were trying to write in the present tense, but you kept slipping back into past tense. Then about a quarter of the way into the chapter, you fell into a rhythm and everything flowed really nicely. I think it would really help to clean that first part up, because it made it a little harder to get into the flow of the narrative.

I'm glad I stopped by. I'll try not to be as long before returning!

Author's Response: Okay - the idea that someone TRIED to catch me on the review thread made me grin for an hour. I am pretty sure my co-workers wondered what the heck was up with me when I got back from break!

I love it when someone says my story is original! Oh, if you like the whole Devlin as a werewolf thing, wait until you learn HOW he was bitten! That'll be a fun angst-filled treat for you. ;) It's interesting you would jump to the social status of werewolves, because this will play a part in the story as we go forward, but not at first. I won't speak to Devlin's knowledge of the werewolf-social-status issue, either, because it will play a part as well.

Geoffrey is one of my favorite character's to write, honestly. He is definitely more than he appears to be - perhaps more than HE knows he is, since he, being an adult, is obviously very aware of the issues of being a werewolf.

"She seemed to compliment Harry really well." EEE! You're the first one to kinda say "they seem believable together" and so I reward you with the stupid grin again.

She is much more like Devlin, which is to say she is much more like Tom Riddle might have been. We'll learn more about her origins and upbringing as we go forward, but first the focus will be on Devlin.

About the roughness...yeah...I admit I kinda copied and pasted the first part from the original version because I couldn't think of a better way to begin the chapter, then took it in entirely different (and way better) path than before - which is probably where the writing improved. So I totally agree and cringed a bit when I did a quick re-read before replying to your review. Thanks so much for picking up on that flow issue though - I will be sure to try and improve it.

Feel welcome to come back very soon! I won't complain. ;) I'll try and play the review thread more often again, too.



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Here for review tag!

Wow, another mindblowing chapter. I like how you wrote this from Devlin's point of view. It added a new perspective to the events. And OMG Remus bit Devlin? That was a shocker! I think your descriptions of it all were very nicely done. It was all intense and I was really into it while reading. And now I am intrigued as to what Harry and all will do. This chapter was definitely an interesting read, and I am eager to see how the plot unfolds further. You've been doing a great job so far, so keep writing!

Cheers
AD
(AditiDraco95)

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ShadowRose again, here with another requested review!

Once again, I would like to comment on how effortlessly you handle the messy world of AU. You do an excellent job of making sure the reader is still clear on what is going on, while continuing that sense of mystery that is an essential vein in the AU genre.

Sometimes I start using really big words and strange metaphors in my reviews, so sorry about that. It's a sleep-deprivation thing, I'm pretty sure. :)

I really like how you portrayed Harry in this chapter. Up until now, you've kind of focused on his darker side, the side that he's developed because of the war. But in this chapter, you also deal with his softer, weaker side, and you do so perfectly. His emotions were displayed in such a raw manner that I automatically sympathized with him.

It was also interesting to see Devlin's, or Dubhan's reaction to his father, and I'm interested to see how the next chapter turns out. The reader can clearly see that there are some unresolved fears on Devlin's part.

This chapter was a bit disjointed, due to the changes in point-of-view, but it actually helped the quality of the chapter rather than hurting it. It really emphasizes the chaos of everything that's going on throughout the story.

Speaking of point-of-view, I really like that you've tackled this story from a third person perspective. I feel like a great deal of authors (myself included) take the easier way out, by writing in first person, because it comes more naturally, but there's just something about the eloquence of third person.

Alright, I need to stop with the flowery speech and get on with the review.

As for CC's, I didn't really have any, other than I'd recommend you go back and quickly look at some of the grammar in the chapter. For example, "boys green eyes" should have an apostrophe on "boy's." It's all really insignificant nit-picky stuff like that. Most readers probably won't care, to be honest, but good grammar can't ever hurt a story. :)

Another very well-written chapter! Feel free to re-request for any future chapters!

-ShadowRose

Author's Response: Wow, that was a pretty big compliment to begin with. Let me grin widely for a moment. Alright, I'm done. :)

I'm always glad to hear that I am bringing Harry across well, because I really struggled to develop this Harry.

This was one of my FAVORITE chapters to write, possibly beaten only by the beginning of the next chapter. ;)

"This chapter was a bit disjointed, due to the changes in point-of-view, but it actually helped the quality of the chapter rather than hurting it. It really emphasizes the chaos of everything that's going on throughout the story." - Thanks! It was one of those things that just came out right the first time and I knew I couldn't bear to change it so I'm glad it worked. :)

I've always preferred third person because I don't like staying in one person's head all the time and lets face it, perhaps as a writer I have a bit of a god complex so I like to show off that I know what everyone is thinking ;)

No, good grammar can never hurt a story. I'm rewriting the early chapters anyway for the age thing so I'll be sure to fix that. Thanks for pointing it out.

Don't worry, I'll absolutely be re-requesting. Thanks a whole lot!

Alright, back to laundry (does it never end?!).

:D

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Hi there, it's ShadowRose again!

I still really like where you're going with this story, with Harry being darker and all. Might as well turn him into a different character if you're gonna do AU. :) He's automatically portrayed as this golden character, so I like how you've kind of gone against that in this story.

And Remus is alive too, I think. That makes me really happy.

I really like all of the memories you used in this chapter, because they really show how Devlin, or Dubhan, has changed. He's definitely a much more Voldemort-like character than before, which really shows how moldable he is as a child. It's also interesting to see how he treats authority figures, because it's rather reminiscent of Voldemort himself.

One little CC about the memories: it might help if you took the interactions of the characters that aren't a part of the memory (Harry, Alexandra) and removed the italics, so it's easier to see what's part of the memory and what isn't.

This chapter is a little filler-y, but that's to be expected since you jumped right into the plot in the first chapter. This one serves to provide more information and help the reader see what is going on more clearly.

Your descriptions are great. I can really see everything that's going on quite clearly.

There's a little bit of tense confusion in here. In one paragraph, you use past ("Geoffrey was"), present ("Potter's voice is"), and conditional ("Geoffrey has"). I'd recommend going through the chapter and re-reading it to make sure the tense is consistent throughout. Sometimes it's helpful to read it aloud, because your ear is typically better at picking out mistakes than your eyes.

Overall, this was another very interesting chapter! :)

-ShadowRose

Author's Response: Okay, so I'll reply to your second review a little less sleep deprived.

I already rambled about Harry's darkness in the last review, so I won't do it here. lol

Remus is indeed alive. When I wrote this story originally back in high school Remus actually was alive and so was Sirius. This story has become more AU then first intended, strangely.

I'm so glad the memories were a good thing, although I want to rewrite this chapter pretty badly. I really wanted to show the huge difference between Harry's memory and Geoffrey's. I'm glad Devlin came off a bit Tom Riddlish as well. Yay! It will be important plot-wise later.

I like your idea of the italics on/off for the memories and will do that in the rewrite. Thanks!

Unfortunately when I originally wrote the story I did it in the present tense (I donna, I was experimenting I guess) and so I'm still picking out small mistakes from then. I try not to look at the older version while I write the new one, but sometimes I check a fact or copy a paragraph and...yeah. Thanks for pointing it out!

Thanks so much for the review! One more reply to go!

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Hello there, it's ShadowRose from the forums, here with your (dreadfully late) review!

I've never really read much AU before... In fact, I'm pretty sure this is one of my first ones. You do a good job of quickly introducing the environment, so the reader isn't left floundering in confusion in this whole new world.

Devlin is so sweet here, because you can really see his child-like innocence. One of my favorite parts was when he was trying to figure out what "worthless" meant. It was adorable!

Yet, Devlin also seems extremely observant as well. He is quite in tune with his surroundings, and can kind of predict what's going on.

You've kept Voldemort in character, as I can easily picture the canon-Voldemort doing all of this. Gosh, Voldy, when will you learn to stop torturing poor children!

I like the subtle hints about a transformation that you threw in there. I think(?) he's a werewolf, but I'm not quite sure. It'll be interesting to see how that plays out in future chapters.

Sirius is alive? YES! If you're going to write an AU, you might as well bring some of the best characters back to life. :)

Harry's characterization is interesting too, in that he's lost a lot of his innocence, and you see this newfound darkness developing within him.

You made up a spell. I seriously LOVE when writers do that. J.K. obviously didn't cover the gamut when she wrote the books, so why not make up some more to throw in? Good job with that.

The interrogation scene is good, in that it has just the right amount of tension, and you can sense some anger and discomfort from both parties throughout.

Awww, that memory was so sweet! It was just this little perfect fluffy moment, and I loved it! It also served to lighten the mood a little, so that the reader isn't bogged down by everything that's going on.

I have just a few little CC's to add. For one, it feels like the Cruciatus scene drags on for quite a while, and I found myself wondering when the whole thing would end. Maybe shorten that a little, as it gets a little repetitive?

Also, there are a couple of spots where the wording is awkward, like when Harry says, "My wand against you neck." Shouldn't that be "My wand is against your neck"?

I like how this story jumps straight into the plot, as it captures the reader's interest immediately.

Great job with this, and I'll be continuing on to the next chapter!

Author's Response: First of all, I was shocked when I came downstairs in the middle of the night (kid laundry, school tomorrow) and checked my account before going back up - only to realize I had THREE wonderful new reviews! Squee! I won't respond to all of them tonight because I'll give you the respect of at least two that aren't written with sleep depravation.

Okay, so on with the reply. :D

People keep saying AU isn't their thing, which is hard for me, because AU is SO my thing. ;) But I am proud each time someone lets me know I managed to introduce the story well (which has taken lot of rewriting, mind you).

Devlin seeming childish?! YES, YES, YES! :D You have no idea how many times I have played with minute details of his speech and the descriptions to find some balance between using child-like descriptions all around (not my style) and him just seeming way too old. I thought the worthless thing might help with that! *BIG grin*

Voldemort is evil. This is not a 'Voldemort actually has a heart' story - but I seem to have gotten that across quite well early on. ;)

"I like the subtle hints about a transformation that you threw in there." - I'm sure you already know more, having read up to chapter three. So just kudos for noticing it and drawing the conclusion. :)

I knew I couldn't keep Harry the same in a world that he had lost his son. In canon he fell in love with Ginny but didn't really pursue it, because of the war, but obviously in my world he fell in love and did pursue it and it changed his strategy in the war because now he had something more important than him to protect that NEEDED him alive. To have that torn away - I knew I had to portray a Harry Potter that had been turned inside out.

"The interrogation scene is good, in that it has just the right amount of tension, and you can sense some anger and discomfort from both parties throughout." YAY! That was actually one of those scenes that just happened, oddly. Not much has changed with it no matter how many times I rewrite it.

I loved the Lily scene too. :D

I'll look into the grammar issues you pointed out (thanks!) and into the length of the initial scene.

Once more, thanks so much for reviewing. :D You definitely made mid-night laundry worthwhile tonight. lol

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Hi! Siriusly89 here with your ridiculously late review, I am so sorry it has taken so long for me to get round to this,

The summary is very intriguing, I usually don’t read AU, but this seems very interesting, very interesting indeed!

Ah! Why is Voldemort still alive? Because if Harry has a kid that seems about seven or eight, that means he has to be older than seventeen, and then that means he didn’t defeat Voldemort! I know this is AU, but these are some mind-blowing developments!

I loved Devlins answer to Voldemort when he asked him if he knew where he was. ‘The centre of your plots?’. It has a sort of childish innocence to it. He heard his father say this about him, so naturally he went with whatever Harry said.

Voldemort! Stop using ‘crucio’ on a kid! Devlins hope that his magic would stop the pain was heartbreaking, because we all knew that it wouldn’t the poor thing. One thing that sparked my interest though, was the fact that Devlin said something about his ‘transformations’. Is he a werewolf? Or will we find out later on?

HE GAVE DEVLIN THE DARK MARK? Okay, Voldemort has gone from evil to just plain sick-minded and twisted in the space of two seconds. And then, when Devlin is still alive after all his evilness, he orders his minions to heal him so he can have another go at him. Okay, yeah, I am so angry at Voldemort right now.

Then we switch to Harry’s point of view, and we really see that he’s, well sort of matured, but there’s that slight thing in the back of his mind, like a ‘darkness’ of some sort (that sounds so cheesy, but anyway) telling him to use dark spells. The death eater with the photo of Devlin, I’d love to throttle him.

Harry went to the one person he knew would understand. Sirius. That part was just genius, because lets face it, Sirius is going to be just as mad as Harry is.

The conversation between Harry and the death eater was very interesting. It was obvious that Harry knew, or thought he knew that Devlin was dead, but the death eater seemed to be implying that he was still alive.

The memory was so cute! But bittersweet at the same time. . . .

The end, oh the end! Devlin’s alive! But by the sound of it, he seems a bit. . . .disturbed or something. The death eater said something along the lines of ‘he looks so happy’ so that means Devlin must be sad, or depressed, or something along the lines of Voldemort now. Interesting. . .

Such an interesting beginning! Feel free to re-request!

Author's Response: Thats okay, I seriously understand being seriously late about things. ;)

Harry is definitely older than 17. I guess one of the major differences in this world might be that, unlike canon, he had a relationship prior to Voldemort's downfall. I don't know if I'll ever cover it in the story (probably much later one) but I imagine Harry would say something like "sometimes in war, when you're not sure you'll live to see the sunrise again, you do things you might not have otherwise. Stupid things - mind you - things you shouldn't do! But sometimes, it's the stupid things that lead to the most brilliant outcomes." In other words, unlike in canon, Harry had sex and got Alexandra pregnant and I believe that drastically changed his strategy in the game - he was no longer without baggage, if you know what I mean. Gosh, I suppose I really ought to cover it as some point - it probably IS where this whole timeline went askew - well besides Alexandra being in it!

You're actually the first one to mention the 'transformations' in their review! You'll find out more in the next chapter.

Devlin does NOT have the Dark Mark...where did that come across so I can fix it?

I rather thought it would be like Voldemort to be unsatisfied and want to try again. To Devlin's credit, this healing will give him enough time to survive.

I think Harry had a 'darkness' in him even in canon - well obviously he did. I wanted to make it more obvious in this world, because Harry has suffered in a way that would harden a lot of men and it has brought this darkness closer to the surface in him.

There is more to Geoffrey and that photo than you might suspect...

As Devlin will say when he is older: "I'm not a regular boy."

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Here for review tag!

So, another interesting chapter indeed. I like how you're progressing with the story =)

I think you've kept Harry very much in character - well as much as you can pertaining to the plot - which is good. Your descriptions of his emotions were well done and came across to me intensely. I really feel so sad for him!

I like the way you're slowly unfolding the events and developing the characters and their relationships too. It is all very neat, and flows smoothly. Apart from a few grammar issues, I think this chapter was very well written. I am liking the story.

Great going!
Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad the story is remaining interesting to you. It was really hard to really get into this Harry's head, so I'm glad it seems to fit the story so well.

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Hello there I’m tagging you from the review tag! I read the first chapter a while and rather liked it, so I was curious to see what happened next :)

I rather liked how you made Harry darker, and scarier. I get rather bored of seeing Harry the do gooder all of the time, so this was a refreshing change, and it perfectly fit with the whole AU theme of the story.

I quite liked Geoffrey too, he seemed like a very interesting character. I thought it was interesting that he hated Harry for not protecting Devlin. I guess he can understand what it’s like to be a werewolf, and for a parent not to save their child from the curse is sad.

I liked the memory/flashback thing, it worked well. Even though it was strange to see Voldemort be nice to someone, it made sense that he would be nice to Devlin. He wants to get Devlin on his side so the best way to do it that is to play pleasantries, and I found that worked well.

I liked your dialogue in this chapter, it was easy to follow and kept my interest. It also flowed well too, and you never felt like they were interruptions into the flow of things.

Anyway it was a good chapter, and I can see this is heading in an interesting direction!

-Kiana :D

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad the story is interesting enough to remember and come back to. This Harry was hard to develop, but I feel any other kind of Harry wouldn't fit in this story at all. Geoffrey is one of my favorite characters to write - there is more to him than meets the eye.

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Tagging you from Review Tag!

Wow. I really admire the creativity it took to come up with this. I'm not normally one for AU stories, but you took this in such an interesting direction and you were so thorough and original in your plot that it really pulled me in.

I really like this darker side to Harry Potter that you've created. Having survived so much death and heartbreak and evil, it seems only natural that a part of it would rub off on him. The world that he lives in seems fairly dark, as well. Death Eaters openly attacking, only to be repelled or captured by Harry's Aurors... it has the feeling of an open war. The internal struggle that you gave Harry -- the conflict between the hero that he is expected to be and the angry, wounded man that he is on the inside -- was beautifully done.

Sirius is still alive! I really love that decision. If you're going to take a story in the AU direction, you might as well give new life to one of the most interesting, entertaining characters who died in the books.

Let's see, what else? I really loved the penseive scene. Devlin seems like such a precocious, lively, wonderful little boy. And his baby magic, the act of creating all the lilies... he really does understand what makes people happy and how to touch them. The opening scene with Voldemort and Devlin made my skin crawl. You did a great job of capturing the dry menace and insidious cruelty of the Dark Lord as it would be perceived by a frightened, injured little boy. I felt so awful for Devlin, but at the same time his strength and his faith in his own magic was inspiring.

Kudos for really good writing and great editing! The entire chapter flowed really nicely and nothing sounded awkward or forced. I only saw one typo:

"My wand is against you neck," Harry said, deadly, when the Death Eater dared to try and move away. - against your neck

All in all, you did a fabulous job with this!

Author's Response: Eee! Would it sound too fan-girlish if I said I actually squealed when I saw your username? I'm really not the fan-girl sort of girl, after all. But I am a huge fan of your Remus/Tonks transformation fanfic. :D So yeah, I squealed when I saw YOU liked my story! Woot!

This story just came to me, honestly. I began to write it when it was popular to write James-was-the-son-of-Voldemort fanfics (yeah, WAY back then) and decided I wanted the connection but didn't find it believable through James, or Lily. It seemed plausible, however, that Voldemort might have taken part in the 'fun' when he was younger. Hence Alexandra.

I've worked hard on being able to write Harry this way and it's really only in this rewrite of the story (this is the 3rd one), that I feel I have a grasp on him. I turned the story upside down in this rewrite and I think it is really paying off. Starting with the torture scene was a big jump and something I wasn't certain of, but I felt we needed to see this - how Devlin lost who he was, quickly see who he had been, and then rapidly progress to seeing who he is now (which happens in the next chapter). I felt it was needed to understand Devlin as much Harry.

Sorry for all the gushing. Thanks so much for the review!



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REVIEW TAG!

I'm so sorry I can't leave a really long and detailed review, which is what I usually do, especially when the chapters are a bit longer, just because there's so much about which to talk.

I haven't actually read many AUs (if any at all) and I like the premise of this one. Right now, Devlin does sound a bit Mary Sue to be true, but this is just the first chapter and you haven't really had a chance to develop his character fully. If you're trying to portray him a bit like Voldemort when he was a kid, then his apparent Mary Sue-ness makes sense right now.

Harry is very different from canon. I'm a stickler for canon, but I must say, I like your take on him. He's older, wiser, and far more bitter than what I usually see him portrayed. It makes sense in some aspects, and I'm looking forward to the way you'll explore it further.

The plot for this story also seems quite original and fresh, and has just a touch of Moffat's Doctor Who, which bodes interesting for this story. I'm excited to see where this'll go!

PS: So glad that Sirius isn't dead. I sincerely hope you don't kill him.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! This chapter is actually awaiting an update right now, which will help with the Mary-Sueness, I hope. It will change him from four to six.
I am going for a bit of a Tomish thing, glad you were able to pick up on that.
Thanks for the compliment about Harry and I hope you'll give him a chance - cannon Harry does shine through a bit. :)

I've never actually watched Doctor Who but you're not the first one to say something along those lines and it's really making me consider delving into Doctor Who... although the last thing I need is another story in my head ;)

No Sirius killing, promise!

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Hello!

Hey there, its Gabbie with your requested review and I'm really sorry that its taken me so long to get back to you. I've been really busy and as you may or may not know, I leave for basic training tomorrow so I won't be able to read/review/type for a long time.
*Instantly dies*
I think you might be my last review today, I'm annoyingly busy with things.
Anyway, on to this! I'm really glad that you finally updated for this, as I was wondering what little Devlin might get up to doing next. I wasn't at all surprised that he went through all the trouble of trying to escape. The slyness and cunnning of this boy just stuns me and I think you've really created a complex, engrossing character. Some of his thoughts are just so poignant and dark for a child and I think that might be your point. When he was fighting Harry, I was panicking on the inside because I could sense all of his anger and fear. There's some really vulnerable moments with him too that I simply love, it brings him back down. When he took the picture of himself (Though he won't say that its him) and Emma, I just melted a little. I can see that he really cares about her and making her upset really bothered him, as much as making Alex upset.
I think he's starting to resent Harry a little though, even while he might trust him sometime down the line. Harry may have to accept that his son is gone and live with the child he has but I think that might happen a long ways down the road.
Geoffery was a nice surprise in this chapter, I loved all the emotion and bonding moments that he had with Devlin. I see that he and Sirius don't like one another, I wonder if you'll play around with that more?
His conversation with Devlin about where he belonged adn who he really was just struck a cord with me. And then we get a bit of Snape in this! Ah, I was wondering when he was going to show up! His interaction with Devlin was great and your characterisation was spot on. Hahahhaha.
Can't wait for more of this story, that little bit at the end with Zee was just perfect ,even though Devlin is feeling trapped and out of his own level of control. ;)
That ending though...got me worried and I'm so upset that I won't be able to kep reading this for a while!!! D':
But this is a great story and I think you should coninue on with this for as long as you can, I simply adore it. :)
Thanks for the lovely read.
Much love,
Gabbie :D

Author's Response: Oh no. I was so sad when I read this that I wouldn't see you around for a while. I hope you have "fun" although my boyfriend laughed when I said I was wishing you that ;) He was a Marine.
Thank you so much for the review and I'll be keeping an eye out for your return!

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Hello!

Its Gabbie here with your requested review and I'm sorry that it took a minute. I'm really glad to be reading this story again though, I was wondering what was going to happen next. Devlin isn't having an easy time being with his family and I really liked that you were showing it and his emotional reactions to Harry and Alex. Those are the sort of things that stood out to me in this chapter because I just know that he can't really handle it all. On Geoffery's end, I'm wondering just how he's going to handle being away from Devlin for this long and if he might try and see him. I liked the little bit we got with Remus but what a dumb thing for Geoffery to say! He got punched and for a good reason to! With the way Remus and Devlin had reacted to one another, and then hearing that, he was sort of asking for it. :p
What I really liked that was that Devlin himself was the one to really burst Harry's bubble. He was more than adamant that he would hate him if he knew how changed he was and him saying that he was no longer his son was just a powerful moment. Harry is letting his emotions control too much of his actions and i'm really starting to worry about that, I hope he'll be more careful. :(
Alex is still more wary and straight forward with Devlin than he is, though. I could actually sense that he liked her in this chapter and I'd like to see how that develops and if he'll grow closer to Emma.
But that ending! I'm not sure if I like it, I have the feeling that Devlin is going to do something or say something that will get him out of the house. You've got me curious on what he's going to do though and I'm sure that the crafty little thing is going to think of something really complex. :D
I think this was excellent and there are only like a few CC's that a quick proof read can change! Otherwise, it was great! :D
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: I'm glad this chapter expressed Devlin's feelings well enough - I was really pushing for that.

Geoffrey...well you'll just have to wait until the next chapter. He does know Devlin better than Potter. And yes, that was an extremely dumb thing to say, although I think he was being honest from an emotional stand point - he is wondering if Harry and Alex can handle the truth.

You really hit the nail on the head with this comment: "What I really liked that was that Devlin himself was the one to really burst Harry's bubble. He was more than adamant that he would hate him if he knew how changed he was and him saying that he was no longer his son was just a powerful moment." Because this is a snippet of what Devlin says in the next chapter: "€œYou don't know me enough to hate me. [...] You could hate me, I promise."
€Â�
I think Harry has always worn his emotions too visibly - hence his difficulty learning Occlumency. So I try to keep him too that. After all, it is his ability to love and feel those emotions that makes him different from Voldemort.

I think he already is really close to Emma, from his emotional perspective. He hints at the fact that he made a pact with Voldemort for HER - that he wouldn't run away, if Voldemort wouldn't hurt her. I think in his mind, he's done a lot for her she'll never understand.

I think it's clear enough to tell you he'll be sneaking out the back door. The question is wether he can get past the wards. Then again, we do know from Draco's scene that he escaped from Voldemort before, yes? ;) So...he must have some escapee experience.

I just finished up the next chapter - I had to rewrite the ending a few times to get it right. I really like Harry and Devlin's reactions in the upcoming chapter and think they each come to a bit of an epiphany about each other. But besides that, I just really enjoy writing Snape. ;)

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Hey! Here for review tag!

I am quite liking the story and the direction it seems to be headed in. The plot seems to get more and more interesting and I cant wait to see what happens next!

It's great that you're exploring Devlin's character in every chapter further, as now I have started to know him better. Geoffery seems interesting. I don't know whether to like him or not just yet, which is pretty cool for a character xD I am anxious about Harry too, he should really not be too hopeful!

But anyway, this seems like a good story, and I am enjoying your writing style as well as characters. The grammar is pretty much fine too.

Keep writing! 8/10!

Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

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Hello!

Hey, there. Its Gabbie with your requested review and I'm sorry that I didn't immediately attack this for you. I feel like I've been ridiculously busy for the last few days and trying to get out of my writer's block and equal laziness. Hahhaa.
So, Devlin isn't really enjoying his time at home, is he? His thoughts are so aggressive and confused, there are hints that he's still debating on leaving but he's turned a tad sly. He knows that they don't really trust him, at least on Alex's end and he admires her for it. Which is interesting. I hope you play around with that later and Emma is a lot smarter than her parents are giving her credit for. Children notice alot of things and I'm glad that you added that last bit in there.
But Draco! Eek, I'm not happy about this. I know that its going to go in the direction that will make me really upset! Ugh, ugh. He's got something planned, I know and I'm not going to like what's going to happen. Hopefully, Voldemort will keep him locked up for a while. D':
So Devlin can shift in and out of form? I was reading that and wondering if he could or not but perhaps I read it wrong? It would be really neat if its true, but bad if he uses that to get out of the house.
Will Geoffery be making another apperance?! Argh, Kingsley was pointing out things to Harry and he's starting to worry me. His heart is just too vulnerable and Devlin is really getting under his skin. :(
As for the last bit with Sirius and Remus, very, very interesting. It was great getting all these characters together and the way they are in Devlin's POV was really fascinating. :D
So, as for CC's! There were a few little grammar things but other than that it was a great read. It flowed nicely and your characters are staying really complex and unique. :D
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: Devlin is sly. I think he admires Alexandra because he's more used to her type of 'compliments' than Harry's. Know what I mean? Basically she grates on his nerves less.

Draco...lol. I hadn't really thought of what people would think of that whole line of thought before I posted it! Which is funny, because I really enjoy making everyone anticipate bad things almost as much as I love good cliff-hanger! But I'll let you in on a secret - it was just Draco thinking bad things. Draco has other plans in his mind that don't require quite as much planning as that would. ;)

Devlin can shift yes - it will become very clear in the next few chapters. And aren't you clever, thinking just the thing I think Devlin is about his wolf form! ;)

Geoffrey will make another appearance in the next chapter actually. This isn't at all easy for the Death Eater. If you recall Voldemort cast a pretty dark spell on him connecting him to Devlin's well being...

I liked Devlin's perception of Remus and Sirius as well and I think you'll enjoy as his perception and opinions about them grow. ;)

I am about to submit the next chapter and can't wait to see what you think about it. Then I just have to edit all the previous chapters to reflect the age difference.

In the next chapter Devlin tries his hand at some Slytherin-style manipulation of his own, inspired by a simply 'brilliant' idea which is inspired by Zee and the backdoor. ;)

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Hello!

Hey, there, its Gabbie with your requested review and I'm sorry that its taken me a minute. I've been weirdly busy and blah, blah, blah and so I haven't been reading or reviewing as much. But anyway, here we are! :D
Devlin is one crafty little guy, isn't he? I thought all of his thought processes were really good, I could sense that despite some of his more mature reactions that he was still just a child. He was overreacting at everything and analyzing whatever her could in an effort to escape. For a moment I actually thought that he would but was relieved when he wasn't able to escape the way he would have wanted. Alex is alot smarter at handling him than Harry is and I like the distinction that you've made between the two of them. She's being more cautious but Harry is wearing his heart on his sleeve a little too boldly and I'm not sure whether or not Devlin will hurt him even worse for it. Devlin doesn't want to be there but for just one moment or two I could sense that he was having his doubts. I hope you play around with that later! :D
As for Emma, I really feel for her, everything has to be very confusing. I liked that you didn't have her immediately welcoming Devlin either and actually being afraid of him, it was very realistic. As was her last line, children sort of block things out in their own way and I think this chapter sort of played on that. As for CC's! BUM. I hardly spotted any, save for just one or two grammar things but other than that, it was a great read! :D
Thanks so much!
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: Hey Gabbie! It's alright. I totally understand about life getting in the way - it's happening to me right now and I feel like I am having withdrawal symptoms from reading and writing fan fiction ;)

Devlin is very clever. I'm glad you could see the boy beneath it all.

**For a moment I actually thought that he would but was relieved when he wasn't able to escape the way he would have wanted.** What's funny is that if you tweaked this comment a little bit, it would also be very appropriate for the chapter I am in the middle of writing. ;)

Alex is definitely of the mindset that being overly sensitive toward Devlin will just make things worse and as you can clearly see, Harry is operating under a different belief. I also feel like Alex feels she is compensating for Harry a bit and Harry feels he is compensating for Alex and - as you can see it makes them very distinct in their approaches.

**Devlin doesn't want to be there but for just one moment or two I could sense that he was having his doubts. I hope you play around with that later!** Oh, I definitely do! I tried really hard not to use the words "when they found out what he had done" because that is the cliche reason and I think Devlin is too knowledgeable for it - I think he knows deep down that an act wouldn't make them less interested in him, but he perceives himself to be entirely different from them. It is what I think Voldemort would have drilled into his head as well as the whole Death Eater culture. I wanted it to be an us vs them thing. "They'll hate me because of what I am" not for what he might have done. Also, I want to keep everyone guessing about what exactly Devlin HAS done...because I'm evil like that. ;)

**I liked that you didn't have her immediately welcoming Devlin either and actually being afraid of him, it was very realistic.** Thanks. It was kind of hard to write her that way, because she is such an out going girl later in the story, but I knew she'd be cautious like any child. Glad it came across smoothly! :D I also really liked her last sentence - a complete and abrupt change of subject that only a small child can pull off so well. ;)



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hey there, it's Whiskey from the forums with your requested review!

I don't think I've read anything so blatantly AU before, and I must admit it was fun! Sirius and Voldemort are alive, eh? (*fingers crossed* maybe Snape too? I guess I'll just have to read on and see). So, I suppose you'll explain this later, but what happened to the whole "neither can surivive while the other lives" arrangement between Voldy and Harry? It felt like a ticking time bomb (considering Voldy's obsession with not dying) and I'm curious to see how you will explain Voldemort taking his time to track down Harry instead of, like in the books, charging at him at his earliest opportunity.

Delvin seems like a very intense, unusual child, not only because of his genes (also interesting, by the way, how does a Harry/Voldemort child occur exactly? Is it because Harry hasn't removed the horcrux in this AU and passes it on to the child?). The way you described Delvin's perception of what was going on, as well as his relationship to his own magic was quite vivid. This: "There was a sharpness at the edges of his mind that he hadn’t felt in a long time" was very abstract but strangely effective nevertheless. I also liked how you dealt with the feeling of torture, especially here: "The pain itself was dimming and Devlin wasn’t quite sure where any part of his body was. He might even have been able to fall asleep, except that the sharp thing in his head wouldn’t let him."

That said, I felt like the first part of the chapter had a pov switch that sort of confused the narrative. At first, based on the more simple words you chose, we are in 4-year-old Delvin's pov, but then this happens: "He was dead, Voldemort was sure, but he rose from his chair just to be certain. On his way to the body, he felt a pang of disappointment that the child had gone and died so easily - Voldemort had wanted to make him scream." And suddenly, we are in Voldemort's pov. Pov skips like that are rather alienating for the reader and make it difficult to get into the story. I think removing the brief trip into Voldemort's emotions and resorting to describing his actions from a more distanced pov might make the transition out of Delvin's mind smoother.

Let's see, I generally like the way you describe the subjectivity of magic. It's quite unusual and not at all like in the books. Here, for example: "Harry lunged for the man as emotions, so all-consuming that he didn't think he could ever identify them, exploded inside of himself and sent his magic on edge, humming all around him." I wonder if this description was intended to draw a conncetion between Delvin and Harry, implying that they are both "tainted" by Voldemort's magic? Just speculating.

Ok,moving on. I found the memory itself to be quite touching, although the fact of it being played for the Death Eater came accross as a bit forced. He didn't know that Voldemort stole Harry's son? Didn't Voldy make a big deal about retribution during the torture scene? He has to keep his Death Eaters loyal, after all, so I'm sure he used Delvin as another public display of his progressing feud with Harry. Also, I sort of had to sigh at Harry having a housewife...but I guess THAT gender assignment is rather typical for the HP cannon, so, oh well. :P

In terms of writing style, I mentioned that there were parts I found you described very poignantly. But there were other moments when you either had run-on sentences or, for example, descriptions like this: "with an unpleasant sound". And if it's supposed to be Delvin's childish pov, then there weren't enough similar word-choices to legitimize the undescriptive nature of the word "unpleasant". Also, when describing action sequences, I noticed you use a lot of words and "and then"s, as well as list many in-between details. All of this slows down the action, causing the subject matter and the rythm of its telling to be at odds with eachother. There were many other examples, but here is one I found scrolling back: "Harry leaned backwards and pushed the photo down onto the desk so that the Death Eater couldn’t see it and then he turned back to the man, more furious than before." The "and then" slows down the action and also softens the impact of what came before and after it. Also "So that the Death Eater wouldn't see it" is superfluous information that, again, slows down the reading while telling something that was already quite heavily implied. "leaned back" is also, actually, not very necessary information. You could have used the same space to focus on his face expressions during the act, or that his hand was shaking or was unexpectedly steady, etc. Actions are generally easier for the reader to fill in than emotional details or surroundings.

Oh, one more thing that I really liked was the photo! I liked how you utilized the jif.-like nature of magic photography to express Harry's uncertainty! That was a great touch :D

I hope I could help and that I didn't come accross as too critical! I might come back for a few more chapters if I find the time :)
Cheers!

Author's Response: Whoa! Thanks for the super long review. I hope I can answer all your questions.

Snape is still alive. He'll actually play a visible role in this story, as well.

The "neither can surivive while the other lives" thing. Well I'll be honest by saying I started this story before the 5th book had come out, so I didn't KNOW about that when I started writing. I suppose in my story Voldemort actually took time to THINK and also, Dumbledore is alive. I think Dumbledore probably believes he has only one chance with Harry and that he might have missed it - in that Harry has something to live for more than just a girlfriend and friends. Also, Dumbledore grew too attached to Harry, even in is own opinion, and I tend to think HE'D have a bigger problem telling Harry he'd 'raised him for slaughter' rather than assigning Snape the job after his death. But again, these are all belated ideas that I have spinning in my head, because this is truly and entirely AU!

The whole Potter/Riddle thing. No, it's nothing to do with the Horcrux (once more, I didn't know when I started this, although I have incorporated that into the story now). It's a true blood connection and if you can't guess how THAT could happen when we already know Harry's father, then you'll get a big clue in the next chapter. I actually thought my summary might have made it pretty clear...so I'm glad I know it hasn't.

The POV switch...yeah I think I probably just got caught up in the moment. I need to figure out a good transition or as you said, just not delve into Voldemort's POV. The first chapter is a bit jumbled because I added the kidnapping scene and mixed up the progression - I am pretty confident you won't find the same issues as you go forward and I intend to fix them here.

**I wonder if this description was intended to draw a conncetion between Delvin and Harry, implying that they are both "tainted" by Voldemort's magic? Just speculating.*** Oooh, you're CLEVER! Yes, that's supposed to allude at the part of Voldemort's soul in Harry.

**He didn't know that Voldemort stole Harry's son?** Uh oh, obviously I didn't make things as clear as they should have been. No the Death Eater absolutely knows that the boy is really Devlin Potter and that he was taken from Harry Potter. I actually don't think Voldemort would flaunt it to everyone, because that would endanger the boys safety (from Voldemort's POV and he's possessive of the child). I can't give too much away here, because we won't know until Devlin comes to complete awareness of what actually happened to him, at the hands of Voldemort.

What Geoffrey is trying to do is make sure that Harry is really "Harry". The boy is valuable and he fears two things 1) that someone who the boy does not belong to at all is trying to get him because of his value and 2) that the man isn't really Harry Potter but a Death Eater or maybe even Voldemort, trying to trap him. You'll learn in the next chapter that he wasn't exactly supposed to be at that battle. He felt that if Potter could prove he had felt LOVE for the boy, he would know it wasn't Voldemort (or another Death Eater that wouldn't have known the boy well enough), because Voldemort does not feel love. I'll have to take another look and make sure his knowledge is clear.

Sentence structure...yeah I do tend to do that. I'm pretty good at cleaning it up when someone points it out though. Sometimes I just get caught up in the moment of writing. All of those things occur to me because I see it all happening like a movie so...sometimes I just tell you ~every single thing~. lol

Thanks for the photo comment. I thought it was brilliant when it flew out of my brain without warning too!

You didn't come across as too critical at all! Hope you won't mind if I re-request. Thanks so much, it was really helpful! :D



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