This chapter really develops the thoughts of Lily, especially as she's feeling conflicted about telling Jake and she's getting advice from Bee. You've done really well with showing all of that, and your grammar and spelling is a lot better, too! :)

I really couldn't find anything that was off/strange about the chapter. Good work!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thank you once again!!

I'm glad you think the spelling/grammar is much better.

-Potterfan310
Soph x

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I just realised I didn't review the chapter before :/ so here I am!
This is a really lovely story please update!!!
I love Bea! She's so nice and supportive towards Lily. I really want James to find out about Codie! I also don't want lily to give Jellybean up for adoption

Author's Response: Hey,

I haven't got round to updating yet but hopefully I will soon once I finish writing it.

Bee is pretty awesome, who knows whether she'll tell James or not. :)

Thanks for reading and reviewing and I'm glad you're enjoying it!!!

-Potterfan310
Soph x :)

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The plot is going along nicely at the moment keeping a good place so that it doesn't rush past anything and is helping get the importance of what has just been discovered by Lily across. You haven't rushed or hurried the details out which helps to make the storyline more interesting.

The flow overall is good though in a few places I must admit that it feels like a word has been missed out when typing. It's something that happens to me too so just make sure to read things again but slowly and you should pick them up. I also noted that in the bathroom scene when Lily says she and Rose didn't ask to get pregnant it says Rise instead of Rose.

As for characterization while they aren't how I personally would characterize Lily and Rose due to the situation they are in/ have been through I think it is fitting to your story. Though I do love the little sisterhood chemistry shown between Lily, Livi and Kayl in there little room as it helps to lighten the story a little and bring a bit of hope.

~Hallows!

Author's Response: Hey,

Thank you once again!

Whoops, I'll be more careful to check when I edit.

They pretty much are like sisters, Lily's know Kayl since she was little and Livi since first year.


-Potterfan310
Soph :)

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Oh, this seems really good!

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing and I'm glad you like it!

-Potterfan310
Soph :)

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Oh wow... There's really a lot of stuff in this chapter!!

The flashback was nice... And all of Lily's presents were cute. You did a good job with putting everyone together... There are so many Weasley characters that you had to juggle for this!!!

The biggest thing still remains, and I'll say it every time because I'm anal retentive, I guess... The grammar and punctuation stuff is probably your weakest point right now. Here are a couple of general things for you to look at when you make your edits:

*When you make things plural, they don't get an apostrophe. "Lady" pluralized is "Ladies," not "Lady's." "Lot" pluralized is "Lots."
*Whenever you speak of a present that Lily received, it would be more clear to say things like "the stuffed zebra she got FROM Colonel Mustard," not "the stuffed zebra she got OFF Colonel Mustard." Goofy example, but it just makes a little more sense to say things this way.
*In a few places, you used a comma to continue a sentence where you probably should have used a period and made the following thought into a whole new sentence. Some places were just getting a bit extensive.

But otherwise, it was a pretty good chapter. :)

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: I think it's the longest chapter yet.

So many Weasleys, so little time.

Grammar = so not my strong point. I'm so glad you've pointed these things out otherwise I'll have never of noticed so thank you!!!

Thank you once again!
-Potterfan310
Soph :D

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Hello dear! I'm here with your requested review!

It's always hard writing a teenage pregnancy story with a fresh twist, and in your case I guess the twist is the fact that the young parents are in a committed relationship, which isn't something you see very often.

What I would like to comment on this is that it felt a bit rushed. We didn't get time to know Lily, or Rose, you just jumped into the plot. It's a horrible thing, to be 16 and pregnant and also to be young and lose a baby you want. I just wish I could've connected with the characters so that I could feel the pain they were feeling. Other than that, I'm intrigued to see where you go with this story.

I did spot a couple of spelling errors:

"Uncle Ron's always hated the Malfoy's according to dad and I don't he'll change." - you're missing a "think"

"ok so it's her dad's enemies son" - enemy's son.

Good luck with this and feel free to request again!

Author's Response: Hello :)

Yep, Lily and Jake sure are committed but that's not the only twist ;)

There was a prologue that described all of the Potter/Weasleys but I didn't like it so I deleted that chapter.

Whoops, I'll be sure to add it in and change enemy's when I edit.

Thank you!!!

-Potterfan310
Soph x

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So, we got to meet her best friends! I'm very glad that they didn't raise a fuss when she told them; friends are supposed to stick by through thick and thin, and obviously, Livi and Kayl are not the type to desert Lily. Good for them. :)

The biggest thing that I noticed is all of the grammatical errors. Things like "know" and "no," "their" and "there..." I've probably told you this before, but something you should really consider when you come back to edit this is the fixing of all the errors. It will make your story more readable and easier to understand, and it will make grammar nazis (like me!) very happy. :)

Also, sometimes I couldn't follow exactly what was going on because something that one of the characters did or said was unclear. Clarity is everything when you're telling a story like this--a story that doesn't rely on mystery or dark events to give it suspense. I would suggest that you check it out a little bit when you edit.

Other than that, you've done a pretty good job of continuing the action. I'm sort of curious to see Jake's reaction to Lily's news.

And also... That chapter image!! Me gusta. :)

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Hey,

As you may have noticed grammar is totally not my stong point. I'm working with my beta to sort this out as well as checking it over a few times. So hopefully it'll be sorted soon.

I will, thank you for pointing that out because I think as I'm writing it, I don't notice because it makes sense to me because I know the whole plot.

He is rather pretty isn't he and so is the chapter image ;D (thanks to naughtforreal)

Thank you once again, you've been really helpful :)

-Potterfan310
Soph x

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Hi! Second review for you today! :)

So, the action is definitely taking off as Lily discovers that she MOST CERTAINLY is pregnant. I hope, for her sake, that Jake will be an understanding boyfriend!

A few problems: You seem to have mixed up a few homophones, such as "they're/their/there." Just be a little more careful about that!
And also, some words like "hugged" and "scarred" are spelled with a double consonant before the suffix. Those were the most obvious ones, but they can be cleared up quite quickly!

Nice chapter!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Hello again :)

It's all action from here on in :D

I have problems with them but now I've sorted it out by saying them outloud to decide which one it is to use. I'll make sure to double check when I edit!

Thank you once again!!
-Potterfan310
Soph x

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Hi! I'm here already for your review request! :)

And... wow, this is right into the thick of things, isn't it?! Rose and Lily have similar secrets, and hopefully Lily's won't turn out the way that Rose's did!

I liked the way you set up the story, with Lily feeling sick and having all of these symptoms that she hasn't quite put together yet. And then... BOOM, she puts it all together, and the story really gets going!

This chapter was pretty well-written, however (me being the grammar Nazi that I am...) I do see that you've mixed up some "your"s and "you're"s, as well as a few other minor things. Not to worry, though, it didn't detract from the story at all!

A thing that I would've like to see (and it's probably coming in later chapters) is maybe a flashback of events that led up to Lily's pregnancy. As in, her beginning to date Jake, and then maybe right before they had their little tryst (I'm certain that I don't really want to know the details of their tryst...). It would just be nice to have a bit more of a vivid backstory.

All in all, a very good chapter!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Wow that was fast!
Hey,

Yep, they have similar secrets and I'm glad to say Lily's isn't going to same way as Rose's.

BOOM, she's pregnant. I think once you've added it all up, I'm pretty sure you can guess the outcome.

I'll be sure to go and edit/check over.

Yes it's in later chapters, flashbacks of that day it happened.

Thank you!!!

-Potterfan310
Soph x

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A nice continuation on from the last chapter as it flowed rather nice over into it. The pace and flow of the story is is good as it doesn't rush the reader too much but allows them to go along at a nice pace so they can understand and take in everything that is going on in the plot. It's written rather well explaining what is going on and how people react to certain events which is a key thing to convey when story telling.

I love your use of a cliffhanger as it they are very good for trying to hook the audience in just so they can find out what is happening next. And they aren't always the easiest of things to fit in to a story so well done on that! Again there was a few grammar error but other than that it's looking good so far.

~Hallows!

Author's Response: Hello again :)

Thank you, I'm glad it flows okay and that you think it was written well.

I think cliffhangers are hard to put it so I was glad when I realised I could do it to the end of this chapter. Especially since cliffhangers are great and sometimes a bit evil but they want you to keep reading :D

I'll make sure to check over and edit!

Thanks again!! :)

-Potterfan310
Soph x

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I must say while pregnancy stories aren't really my thing I found that the way you handled this was rather tasteful with just enough information about what is going on without getting too deep into things. You've taken what is a sensitive topic and played out in a way that doesn't make people uncomfortable when reading which is indeed a good skill to have.

I like who you have played out the relationship between Rose and Lily as I too think they would be rather close and so I think it fits in nicely with your plot. The flow was nice and while there was a few grammar error's it was an overall good opening chapter that I didn't mind reading even though it wasn't the type of fanfiction that I usually read.

~Hallows!

Author's Response: Hello :)

I'm glad you think that the Lily/Rose closeness is just right, I did have doubts at first but decided to go with it anyway.

I'm glad you thought it was written well, thank you!!

Thank you for reading and reviewing, I'll be sure to request again :)

-Potterfan310
Soph x

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just curious. how come all the girls are pregnant in your stories. they're good dont get me wrong. just wondering. excellent plots tho.

Author's Response: I'm not 100% sure but I think because in my area there are quite a few teenage pregnancies, and I've watched things like 16 and pregnant and underage and pregnant and from people I know I like doing my own take on teenage pregnancies. Like Lily is choosing adopting, Molly II is keeping her baby and Flick hasn't told Al he's a dad.

Hope that answers your question. Thanks for reading and reviewing :)

-potterfan310
Soph x

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You know how much I love this story! But there were some issues. I'm going to get those out of the way first, then onto the nice stuff.

When your talking about the baby. As it's only one, they're or any form of is unnecessary and it doesn't sound like your talking about more than one.

I've also noticed your missing out , to break up those mega long sentences.

I like this chapter.

Lily/Albus - I can understand why Albus is as angry as he is, but at the end of the day it's Lily's choice.

Lily/James - Awww this was so cute and I loved the fact that James picked up on what was going on between his siblings. Ginny needs to wise up.

I get the feeling Lily won't be giving this baby up.

Laura

Author's Response: You seem to love this as much as I do!

I don't know why but I don't like it when people call a baby an it. I mean it is a person no matter how small, so I guess when I say 'they're looking pretty healthy' or something like that it's because I prefer it instead of it, if that makes sense.
But I might got back and change it. And as far as I'm aware Lily is definitely only having ONE baby :)

Lily/Albus - Oh boy he's angry isn't he, but as you said it's Lily's chpoice ad Al really doesn't get a say in it.

Lily/James - I realised there was so little of James since he isn't at Hogwarts and I wanted to do a scene between them since the last time they were together was when James/their parents founf out Lily was pregnant. And James has his uses, he can be wise at times like picking up on the little things between Lily and Al, especially since they're normally so close. And you're right, Ginny does need to wisen up but she also has a lot on her mind.

Who knows...

Thanks for reading and reviewing!!

-Potterfan310
Soph xx

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I want it to be a girl :) I think that would be really cute! I also really hope that they keep the baby in the end, Lily's family has money, and they'd support her.
Please update soon

Author's Response: Hey,

Well you never know... I hope they do as well but Lily's mind is set and somehow she controls me, instead of the other way around :)

The next chapter is in the que as we speak, so it should be up in the next day or two depending on how long the que is.

Thanks for reviewing!

-Potterfan310
Soph xx

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Okay now I need to comment.

I think Lily is making a massive mistake.I know adoption is the most amazing thing but Lily has the support of her parents, her teachers, family and friends as well as Jake. I can't help but feel she's been a total bitch and I think she will regret the decision.

Also I think you need to reread through this (yes I know I'm no angel with this) but double read everything as I'm finding missing words or words spelt incorrect!

Laura (lauradracolover)

ps. if you want to re-request reviews from this point onwards please do.

Author's Response: Hey :)

Lily's all over the place at the moment, after hearing about Rose and Bee's experience's she just wants what is best for her baby. She knows that her and Jake won't be able to care/provide for jellybean on their own and she doesn't want to borrow her parents money.

Will do, the first 2 chapters have been beta'd and I'm currently waiting on the third but I will go back and check!!

Thank you!!
-Potterfan310
Soph xx

P.s I will :D

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Here I am with your requested review.

I've actually seen this around the forums and been ignoring it but I'm kicking myself now. I can see Rose and Lily being like sisters, their relationship is really close and its sad that Rose lost a baby, but she was only a teenager herself.

I'm gonna keep on reading, but if you want me to leave you more reviews, re-request or I might just leave them anyway.

Laura

Author's Response: Hey,

I always see Rose and Lily as sisters because they were always together when they were younger.

I'm glad you'll keep on reading and I'll definitely be re-requesting :D

Thanks!

-Potterfan310
Soph xx

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Oh, I dearly hope it's a girl, but that's just probably the fact that I grew up with 3 little brothers. Who were annoying, heck with it I am almost 21 years old and they are still annoying. But I guess I boy would be god too. Great now I'm all mixed up on what I'm hoping for. Oh just heck with, I can't wait to find out the gender in the next chapter. PLEAZ post it SOOON! By the way this is a really awesome book!!! :)

Author's Response: Hey,

Brothers are so annoying, especially older ones.

Hopefully next update should be soon but something else is in the que at the moment.
Thanks for reviewing and I'm glad you like it!! :)

-Potterfan310
Soph xxx

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Somehow I think the letter was a bit unboy-ish having two brothers myself i can't see them telling my parents like that or telling everyone they see

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for revieiwng :)

I haven't yet edited this chapter yet, so it might seem un-boyish and I'm not a boy myself as well.

I also have two older brothers and when my sister-in-law was pregnant with nephew my brother told myself and my mam when we were walking through the kids section in Ikea. Not exactly the best way but that's how he told us.

If you have any advice that could help send it my way :D

-Potterfan310
Soph x

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Loving this story so far! :D Update soon!

Author's Response: Thank you!! xx

I promise that the next chapter will be in the que before it closes for Christmas. Confession 12 will be in the que once one of my other stories has been updated. :D

-Potterfan310
Soph x :)

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Okay . So i wanted to know what do you do if your crush
says ur HOT! I say - shut ur insolent git mouth . Thats
what . (sorry for the madness , he called and i HAD to tell
someone)You are an aWESOME writer ! Keep writing +
smiling:)btw will u be my fwiend * batters big black eyes
innocently*

Author's Response: Haha
Thank you!! Hope you enjoy the rest of the story x
Sure :)
-Potterfan31-
Soph x

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Aww :') I am so in love with this story! I really hope Jake gets his way and convinces Lily :L

Author's Response: This story is my baby and I love it as well!!

Ahh maybe he will, maybe he won't... All be revealed in time. Hopefully this should be updated next week.

Thank you xxx
Soph xxx

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oh cool thanks for updating!
i like how jakes willing to keep the baby!
keen to read more soon!

Author's Response: Thank you my best reviewer :D

Will he ever tell Lily he wants to keep jellybean
Hopefully, I should be able to update within the next week.

-Potterfan310
Soph xx

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good chapter! please update soon!

Author's Response: Thanks :), Next chapter is in the que.

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good chapter! hugo isnt the only one wanting lily and jake to talk...i want to as well!

anyways good job!

Author's Response: Wait and see.

Thanks :D x

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oh soo sorry for not reading in ages- internet problems...
anyways great chapter! and i'll read the next one asap!

Author's Response: don't worry and thanks :)

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