HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
It's your Hufflepuff Secret Santa!
This was really good! I think your characterised Sirius and Marlene really well!
You also portrayed the emotion really well, you really have a knack for writing emotionally moving pieces!
And for some really strange reason, I loved this line:
Slowly, the Dark Mark faded from the night sky, obliterated by the Order's spell.
It just gave me the heebjeebies, it was really powerful (in my mind).
Anyway, I really like this one-shot!
MERRY CHRISTMAS! :DAuthor's Response: Hi there! Thanks so much for this review, it made my day!
I'm so glad you thought the emotion was all right, I was worried it sounded really cheesy and fluffy while I was writing.
Thanks again, you're super! Report Review
I love it. I cried. My BF took the piss... Lol.
Seriously, I love it, despite your doubts about the end I really like it.
Thank you.Author's Response: ohhh, im sorry i made you cry. haha but im glad you liked it, i really like that pairing. thank you so much for leaving a review, i love them! Report Review
Hi! Lehulei from TGS with your requested review!
A couple of points of CC and then onto less specific points.
- JKR capitalizes “Muggle” in the book and so I think it’s a point to keep in here.
- “MacKinnon” is “McKinnon”, the first time you mention it.
- seize his heart in [it's] grip. - [its] – no apostrophe when you are making it a possessive noun (happens again later on)
- The moment he saw the dark mark floating eerily in the sky, presiding over the house Marlene called home. - The way this sentence starts out sounds like it should be part of another sentence. I know you meant to make it flow from the previous paragraph and it does, basically, but would be a little smoother with “It was” in the front as then it’ll sound more complete, you know? :)
- You did so well in the first section on description and really setting the mood and then kind of dropped it a little towards the end. I would just take another look to see what you could do to keep it in with those little things like a day’s-old newspaper which just makes the whole scene that much more real to me and not just so “set-up”.
Now, that I’m done with my critical reviewer’s duties…
OMG. The heart in this story is lovely. The way you started out the story, in such an innocuous fashion with Sirius and his Butterbeer and newspaper, it was a good set-up. The reflection of the night before gives us some idea of his regard for Marlene, the ease they have for each other and it flowed so well.
Then you ripped that away from me with this sudden loss. And then throw in an engagement ring as well! I liked how you described Sirius as going on autopilot and not even realizing what he was doing, just that he was feeling and suspended in disbelief at what was occurring. Describing how he didn’t realize all sorts of things happening around him really brought home to me how shocked he was by the whole thing. The Order obliterating the Dark Mark was a nice touch and then the end, aw man, poor Sirius.
I hope that was helpful!
xCharAuthor's Response: First off, soo soo sorry about the lateness of this response, im a horrible person :s thanks for spotting those, ill remember them when i edit. same with the description. hahaha, im glad you liked it! thanks so much for the awesome review! totally helpful! again, sorry for the lateness! Report Review
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