I think this chapter was even less creepy than the first one, but it's not a bad thing. I think if every chapter was full of so much dread and anxiety, it would get overwhelming. That's not to say that you don't include small bits here and there that reveal how much the war has affected everyone (the part about no one sleeping well anymore and Jane checking for ambushes outside her window).
You know, for someone who is so low on the totem pole (Reagan calling her a dreg), it's kind of interesting to see how paranoid she is concerning her safety. It really adds to the feelings of dread you're trying to convey when someone who isn't all that important is worried about people attacking them.
I liked getting to hear from Lily in this chapter and I think it added a bit of normalcy to the chapter. Poor Lily, feeling overwhelmed by Mrs. Potter's determination to take care of her, but at the same time, her concern for Jane and Remus's relationship is really sweet. I think you did a great job with her character. She's obviously trying to root for their relationship, so I hope that means we'll see more of her.
Jane is giving me whiplash with her thoughts about Remus. :P One minute she's hoping he stays away, the next she's disappointed he isn't coming. I feel like it's very realistic for a relationship like theirs to be confusing and frustrating. You kind of wish they'd both come to their senses and work things out!
Reagan is an interesting character. She's very self-assured and bold - I don't think I would ever make that comment she did to Jane about being the dregs and how they must really be outnumbered if Dumbledore has to recruit the likes of her for a mission like that. She's obviously annoyed at not being allowed to do things like Sirius and I only hope that doesn't get her into trouble in the future, her rushing in to do something she was explicitly told not to. She seems like that kind of character.
I really hope Jane didn't do a bad thing by confiding in her, but her anxiety over it is making me a nervous wreck too. I'm anticipating something terrible happening.
Anyway, I'd love for you to rerequest so I can get to the third chapter, or I might get around to it on my own. I do think you have an interesting story here and I'd love to read more about Jane and her mission and her relationship with Remus. I like that you have conflict in different forms here, like the war and the relationship. I'm really curious to see how Jane deals with all these stresses and how she'll juggle her relationship with her mission.
Great job! Sorry this couldn't be more helpful. I'll work on it. :)Author's Response: Don't be silly - you are very helpful! There will definitely be a lot more of Lily - among other things, I just really like her as a character, and I think that at this point she probably did know about Remus, which puts her in a bit of an awkward situation. I wanted to play with how I think she would navigate it.
And yes, Reagan is *exactly* that kind of character. I haven't decided yet what exactly she's going to do, but she's definitely that kind of person. (I'm fond of writing about that kind of person, haha.)
Thank you so, so much for your review.
And now that I have *finally* responded to your lovely reviews, I will pop back in and hope that you have space for me to request for the third. Report Review
Hi, so I'm here and I'm really excited to read and review this fic. I've been meaning to wander over to your author's page for a while now and having a review thread has certainly given me the opportunity.
This was a great opening chapter - and I must say that I'm glad it's not a one-shot, because I might have thrown something at your head for just leaving it like that.
I always admire anyone who can write an OC and write them well. You've introduced us to Jane and I think you did a fantastic job with her character so far. She's very complex - I feel like she's a strong character, she has to be to deal with everything they've had come at them in St. Mungo's, but at the same time, she's still young and vulnerable. Her fear and paranoia is palpable - your descriptions were great and I could feel her wariness about the shadows in the alley and double checking foods. Seeing people die and not being able to do anything to save them must be difficult and it certainly makes for cautious people, so I think you did a good job with that aspect of the war and ingratiating that with Jane's character.
I really enjoyed the brief glimpses at her past with Remus and her frustration with his hot-and-cold attitude. With that, I think you also stayed in-character with Remus and it sort of reminds me of his relationship with Tonks - at least in the beginning when he had all these arguments as to why he wasn't good enough for her. You can tell that he's still a young man, though, because he gives into his youthful impulses around a female he finds attractive, you know? Like, yes, he's cautious about his condition and he knows he isn't good enough for Jane, can't give her things he probably expects her to want, but it's not enough to prevent him from still seeking out her company. But I know if I was Jane, I would certainly be annoyed with his excuses and being concerned about his health and all that. So you really did a great job getting that frustration across to us readers.
I also really liked that you stayed close to canon with the identity checks. Remus seems annoyed with them, though, which makes me curious as to what could have happened to change his mind because he seemed pretty determined to use them during the second war.
I was waiting for her to figure out he was a werewolf but maybe that's just because I know the truth and Jane kept bringing up the fact that she was glad she wasn't on werewolf duty and Remus happened to be going on a "mission" for the Order and would be unable to spend time with her. I guess when you're in Jane's position, it's not really something you think about, especially concerning someone you've known since schooldays. I wonder what will happen when she does eventually find out (if she ever does).
You've certainly managed to lure your readers in and make them want to read more. I love the way you ended this chapter - giving us this glimpse into her mission from Dumbledore - with all these people dying and her tasked to figure out why. Now, we have to continue reading so we can solve the mystery along with Jane! It's a very effective tactic at garnering readers and you employed it skillfully.
Onto your concerns: I'm not sure if I necessarily find this first chapter creepy, per se. I felt Jane was more paranoid and on edge and that's the mood that I really felt come across while I was reading it. So I guess in that respect, I don't find it melodramatic or overdone, and perhaps I wish there was maybe a bit more of a creepiness factor. I can't say for sure since I want to continue reading to see if you get more into that feeling as the story goes on.
Overall, though, I think you have a wonderfully intriguing story on your hands. Jane, so far, is a strong, dynamic character and her relationship with Remus certainly adds to the complications of her life. The ending is full of suspense, so naturally, I want to continue reading to find out what happens next! I'm not sure if my comments were very helpful, but I hope I allayed some fears or concerns you may have had regarding the story. I'll let you know more about the creepiness factor when I check out the next chapter. :)Author's Response: I am so sorry that I kept you waiting so long for your response - I let my unanswered reviews stack up way too much, and then I put off responding to yours because it was so detailed and I didn't just want to say 'thank you' because that didn't really feel like enough.
Without giving too much away, I do have something specific in mind for Remus's pretty dramatic shift in attitude (regarding the identity checks), and I'm really glad you picked up on that - I'm not sure many people did, but it's definitely important. (Of course, having said that, it's probably pretty obvious that *something* bad happens because of someone being a bit lax... but that was probably pretty obvious already.
Thank you so much for the review, even though it's taken me far too long to answer it. I'm glad Jane comes across as interesting and compelling as a character, especially since she's an OC so I can't just coast on Lily love. :P
What you said about OCs is really interesting to me. I personally love OCs, because I like having a lot of space to run with them. I get tense writing major canon characters, especially when the story is set around the time they appeared in the books, because I'm worried about keeping them in character. I admire people who can pull that off so much.
I do know what you mean about the creepy factor - I kind of wish there was more in here, too, so when I get the chance I'm going to go back and add more in.
Thank you again. This was incredibly helpful. *hug* Report Review
Hi Branwen! I'm here with your requested review :)
I love the mood here. I love how you've really woven the tension throughout the atmosphere of the whole chapter, making it as pervasive as possible. You did a great job of slowing things down here and showing the reader just how uncomfortable things have gotten at St. Mungo's. I also loved the little microchasm with Sarah and Alan, because it showed me what it was like to live through the little tragedies, not just the big one.
One tiny critique - I think this could use one more round of proofreading. I noticed a couple missing words and comma splices here and there as I read. They're very small, and they certainly don't impede the piece, but I thought I'd point them out anyway.
I think the flow in this chapter is very good, too. Again, I like how the mood is woven throughout the whole thing, and I could sense the tension in the air as Jane went about what should be a regular workday. This chapter wasn't action-packed, but it held my interest in a much different way, because I felt like I really got a taste of what your summary alluded to and what I had intended with my challenge in the first place.
Your imagery is superb, as always. I especially loved the way you described Jane as putting on about her appearance and how her co-workers played along, but no one really meant any of it. I still think Jane is an interesting character (as is this Sarah person), and I'm very much looking forward to reading more and seeing what happens next.
Nice job! I hope this review is helpful :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Very helpful, and I'm so sorry it's taken me way too long to respond to your review. I'll definitely give it another round of proofreading.
I think I've said this before, but having people say that they like my description always makes me really happy. I struggled with that a lot when I was first starting fics, and I've put a lot of work into improving that. I'm glad you thought it worked!
Thank you so much for the review. Report Review
And Jane knew they were watching her.
^ GAH. NOW THIS STORY IS OFFICIALLY SCARY. I got chills while reading this chapter, Bezie! *rushes off to hide* I don't trust Sarah, or Ethel or the cousin.
You know what...
I don't trust Jane! IS JANE NOT TO BE TRUSTED? Don't do that to my poor Remus! Tell me I'm wrong, Beeezie! :D Excellent chapter, my favorite one so far.Author's Response: Oh, thank you! I'm glad that you're scared and paranoid about who can be trusted, because that's definitely the tone I wanted to capture here.
Jane is... don't hate me, but I think I'm going to keep whether Jane can be trusted to myself for the moment. ;)
♥ Thank you! I'm really glad you're continuing to like this! Report Review
Hi Branwen! I'm here with your requested review :) I got behind on a lot of stories I meant to follow once school got crazy last month, but I feel especially bad for this one, since it did win my challenge and I did find the first chapter so brilliant. I see here that I haven't actually done chapter two yet, so I'll be doing that one this time, but you can certainly feel free to re-request for the third one. I may even get around to it on my own time. I really miss random reviewing!
You know how much I love Snape/Lily, but I really love Lily just by herself as well, and I think you wrote her so well in that letter. It was neat how she could go from being exhausted by her mother-in-law's careful treatment of her to being so kind and concerned about Jane and Remus. Your depiction fits in well with how I usually imagine her to be. Lily's situation also got me thinking about being a pregnant witch -- how do you think it would differ from being a pregnant Muggle? If you involve Lily much more in the story and kind of follow her through her pregnancy (and I suspect you might at least a little, given her proximity to Jane), that might be something interesting to explore. Just an idea.
Now, let me try to address your concerns. I don't feel like you're introducing too many OCs. You're writing during a time when there are probably going to be a lot of characters, especially Order members, that we are not familiar with, and so I think it's okay to introduce a few. The tricky part, as I'm sure you know, will be to give each their own distinct personality without typecasting anyone. I like Reagan so far, though I am a little worried that she might turn out to be a bit too much like Tonks (especially with her brazen attitude). She's fine for now, though, so I'd just keep an eye on it.
I also think you did fine with setting the tone. It did feel a little bit less dark than I remember the first chapter being, but if I think about it, the slight change makes sense to me. Even in the middle of a war, even with people you know dying and terrible things happening, people still have to go on and live their everyday lives in one way or another. Bills still need to be paid, groceries need to be purchased, children need to be sent to school. My point is that this chapter seemed to contain a little bit more of that "everyday" stuff (a letter from a friend, confusion about a romantic relationship, a visit from a co-worker), and so while I could definitely feel the tone in terms of your description of the events at St. Mungo's, I also felt like it was okay for things to return to a more neutral level in other places. I hope all of that makes sense.
Along the same lines, I think the description was fine, but if you're still concerned about keeping a specific tone, I think it could always help to add more. One way might have been to describe the photos that come with the newspaper articles. It will probably get easier to get into the grisly stuff once Jane actually begins working on her mission at the hospital. I bet things will get really, really creepy from there on out! :)
All in all, I think this chapter was very nice. The storyline seems to be flowing pretty well, and I like that you have multiple conflicts of varying severity (for example, Jane's frustration with the situation involving Remus compared to her fears about being attacked or seeing loved ones killed). I'm definitely very curious to see what will happen next!
Great job! I hope this was a helpful review :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Very helpful! I'm so sorry it's taken me forever to reply to this - I wanted to give it my full attention, which I just haven't had a lot of lately.
Huh. I thought you had reviewed this one, too! Oh well, now you have, and it's an absolutely lovely review (which doesn't shock me in the slightest, of course).
I'm glad you like my Lily! She's really a great character to write - I feel like we know enough about her from canon to have a decent idea of what she was like while still having some room to be creative, which I love.
I'm not sure how being pregnant and a witch would be different than a muggle, but it's something I've been puzzling about lately. I've been thinking that the biggest issue might be travel - apparition or floo powder might not be a great call. I'm still thinking about it, though. It may not come up here, though - concerns about Lily's safety when she's less able to defend herself are valid, however much she dislikes them, and they override pretty much everything else.
Lily is definitely going to be a part of the story, especially once Jane finds out that Remus is a werewolf.
I hadn't thought about that with Reagan, but I see what you mean, and I'll definitely keep an eye on it.
I also see what you mean about the tone, and I'm really glad you said that - when you put it that way, it makes me feel much better about having this chapter be a little more light-hearted and a little less tense. You're right - the doom and gloom stuff gets old if that's all you have chapter upon chapter, and there should be a little variety. Otherwise it can get stale and unrealistic.
I love your idea of describing the photos with the articles - I'll go back and do that when I have the chance!
Thank you so much for the review, and I'm really sorry again that it's taken me so long to respond!
- Branwen Report Review
I just started reading this, so that's why I didn't review any of the chapters before. Anyways, I'm enjoying this story and I specially liked this chapter.
First of all, because the first chapter clearly introduced me to Jane's life and character. I could feel her paranoia taking on me a bit, and I like that it isn't set during Hogwarts.
Then, because I found the second chap lacking of...action? Like, I feel like her suspicions went down, as I'd have doubted much more before telling Reagan and at Remus' behave. That could be fixed though, with some more descriptions of angst, and maybe even mentioning a high stress at a knock on the door or a neighbor arriving home.
Now, on this chapter, I got the angst back though not much, probably because of the second one. I liked that the Ministry is suddenly irrupting in the hospital's activities and that everyone is reacting differently: every reaction provoking different suspicions. It was interesting reading about people denying the fact that there was a war, it made it more realistic, and also enjoyed Jane's reaction to their ignorance.
Overall, characterization is going well, and I'm loving the flow. The plotline is getting more interesting and intriguing, and I can't wait till next chapter!
Wonderful job!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I really appreciate your feedback, and I definitely know what you mean about the second chapter. I'm still not completely happy with it, so I'm definitely going to go back to it to tweak it a bit and add in some more things. :)
Thanks again, and I hope you continue to like the story! Chapter 4 should be up soon. :) Report Review
It's Rosie with your requested review! :)
I really enjoyed this! The first chapter did a good job luring readers into the story. And you also conveyed the mood perfectly. The reader knows exactly what the main character is feeling and doubting, so good job!
Remus' characterization was wonderul. His personality, his actions, they were pretty much the same as in the books. The main character was introduced wonderfully, and that is very difficult to do in just one chapter. While reading, I actually started to think I knew her!
I only noticed one little typo: "Come afterward," it should me "afterwards." Definitely not a big deal, I still really enjoyed this chapter! I can't wait to read more of this, especially because of the cliffhanger. So all in all, a wonderful strt to this story! :D
~RosieAuthor's Response: Oh, I'm really glad that you liked this, especially Remus's characterisation - I get so nervous writing canon characters, because I really don't want them to be OOC.
Afterward and afterwards are actually interchangeable - either works. :)
Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
Awww really great chapter! I love the tension building. Great writing as always! Can't wait to read more! Hope we see more of Remus soon :)Author's Response: Thank you! You'll definitely see more of Remus next chapter. ;) Report Review
This is such an incredible plot you have going! I'm very new to the site, but I've been doing fanfiction for six years or so, and this is one of the first really, REALLY good ones I've found (: You've given me a lot of hope for the Remus/OC tag.
First, KUDOS on picking this setting! Post-Hogwarts, but not Harry-era. Secondly, I already love Jane. You've managed to write a lovely, believable character who can be both beautiful and talented with flaws that make her even more able to be appreciated. I love this story, love where the plot is going, and am seriously looking forward to seeing the rest of this play out!Author's Response: Thank you! :) I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to answer this, and I'm honoured that you think so highly of the story, especially given how many fics you've read. This is an excellent site, and I think that the calibre of stories on it is higher than a lot of other sites, so I hope you stick around. :)
I'm glad you like the setting! I have one Marauders-era fic set while they were still in Hogwarts, but I think that the First Wizarding War is such an interesting topic that I also really want to explore it from the point of view of people who aren't buffered from its effects by the relative safety of school.
I'm really glad you're enjoying the fic so much. Thank you so much for your review! Report Review
So far, I don't see how this story is scary. I'm not scared (yet) but it's just the beginning. I don't understand why she would trust telling Reagan about her mission when (I think) that's one of the things you shouldn't it at a time of war. I mean he could try to get in the way of it, he could slip the info and someone that shouldn't know could find out or he could even get captured and tortured and then the other side could either force it out of him or use the truth potion to figure out what Jane is doing so they can stop her from figuring everything out.
That's just my opinion. I wish the chapters were a little bit longer too but that's just because I'm being greedy! (=Author's Response: Just a note - Reagan is a she, not a he. ;)
All of the things that you noted are exactly why Jane really should have kept her mouth shut, and she regrets not doing so almost immediately... but I tend to think that even though she should have, she's still very young and feeling very lonely, so she succumbed to poor judgment for a little while with someone she's used to trusting. I don't love the way I covered it, either, so I'm probably going to go back and edit it a little to emphasise that.
Thank you so much for your review. ♥ Report Review
Yay! Remus is actually one of my favorite characters. When I first started on HPFF it was Remus I liked to read about and Severus and now I never do. Remus doesn't get that much love it seems anymore.
I'm glad it's not a one-shot and instead a WIP because I wouldn't have understood then what was really going on. If it had ended here I would have felt...cheated? I guess that's the right word because all you really showed was the beginning of their relationship and alluded to dark times and something going on that she needs to figure out.
It wouldn't have been enough info for a one-shot (I think) but as an introductory chapter I can't complain. I would have liked to know a little bit more about their past relationship (or lack of) but I kind of got the jist of it from the few sentences you gave us.Author's Response: What's actually funny is that while I like Remus, I don't love him - he's definitely behind James and Sirius in my heart (though the latter not by much). I chose to make this a Remus/OC for a few reasons - like you said, I don't think that Remus gets enough love, and I wanted to write something different rather than just another Sirius/OC. Additionally, while I like James a lot more and Sirius a bit more, I think that Remus is probably the most interesting of the three, especially for the premise of this story.
I see what you mean about their past relationship - I might look this over to add it in. :)
Thank you for your review. ♥ Report Review
Hi there again!
Well I think that you are two for two here already.
This chapter was chocked-full of great description. The tapping of the owl, the way she felt uncomfortable about talking with Reagan as she did. I get that sense of foreboding. I am terrified that she said more than what she should have as well. Especially since we know that not many people could be trusted through this time period. The little snippets of details like her sitting, curled up in her favorite chair may seem like they are meaningless, but in reality they give us more insight than ever. I really enjoy the natural way that they fit into the chapter. Or when you talk about the Daily Prophet and mention the headlines. They are a great look into the mood that you are trying to set for the story.
You did a great job with making her emotions come clear through the entire chapter. I could feel her anxiety build, her happiness of Lily's letter, her frustration/sadness with Remus's letter. I thought that Lily was a bit of a comic relief that helped balance out the darkness of the chapter.
Reagan made me feel quite uneasy. I think it is her character and the fact that this is more of an angsty type chapter for Jane.
Overall, I am still jealous! ;) Your description continues to paint a masterpiece of work in this chapter. I thought the emotions were very clear and brought out the mood of the chapter quite well. I am still intrigued at what else is going to happen.
Keep up the superb work!! =)
-SR17Author's Response: Thank you so much! Like I said in my last response, I'm really glad that this level of description worked for you - I didn't want to slow the story down by describing everything in a lot of detail, but I did want to give the reader a decent picture of the scene and Jane's feelings. Knowing that I reached a happy medium is really reassuring, especially now that I'm working on chapter 4.
Thank you so much for the review. I really appreciate it. :) Report Review
I am here with your review! Sorry for taking awhile. I am usually faster, but life always has its way of interrupting what it is I would rather be doing.
This first chapter was simply sublime!
I thought that this was a very interesting first chapter. You did a wonderful job capturing my attention and holding onto it throughout the entire chapter itself. I could feel Jane's worried panic or feelings about the rate of people dying at St. Mungo's. Her frustration was very apparent, but we also got to see a softer side to her when Remus was around. I thought you did a great job capturing Remus and his emotions, insecuritites, and loyalties. He is wanting to be able to love her, but being a werewolf comes with it's own set of issues & risks.
I felt that your description was well done. I especially like how natural and easy it sounded. "As she watched the sponge scrub away at her bowl and utensils, she mulled over the night in her head." This was a lot better than saying that she thought to herself. I thought it was a fantastic line that showed us your character Jane reflecting in moments of natural every day stuff. You effortlessly painted a vivid picture in my mind with your choices of description.
I think you also did a terrific job setting up the mood of the story. It's dark and sad, but yet it has this haunting beauty to it because of the way your characters are showing their feelings towards one another in dark, troubled times.
Overall, I am honestly jealous of your description and wish I could write it half as well as you do. You did a great job painting a beautiful picture in my mind and holding my attention through the chapter. I loved the emotions of the chapter itself along with those of your two main characters. I am highly intrigued by what is going to happen next.
Keep up the superb job! =)
I am adding this to my favorites!!!Author's Response: No worries - I'm sorry it's taken me so long to answer you!
I'm really glad you liked my description, especially the part you mentioned - that's probably the part of my writing I've really had to work on the most since I started writing fics last winter. I do feel like I've improved a lot, and I'm really glad that you agree.
I'm also glad that you felt I conveyed the mood well. It's something that I was worried about - I've generally written more humour/romance/fluffy-type fics, and I think that's easier to pull off than darker stuff for me, because I'm the sort of person who can almost always laugh things off, even when they get hard.
Thank you so much for your review, and I'm really flattered that you liked this enough to add it to your favourites. :) Report Review
I can really feel the war going on when I read this chapter. The constant fear and suspicion of everyone... Can she really trust Reagan? Is it safe to let the owl in?
It is strange that Jane, who seems to be clever, doesn't suspect the truth about Remus. Or is she?
I have trouble giving you a proper review, because I've only got praise to give you... I really like your story so far (and I'm a bit choosy about what I like and don't like, really!)
The pace is good, slow enough to let us feel the creepy war feeling, and fast enough to capture my interest. :-)Author's Response: Oh, good! I'm so glad to hear that, because that's exactly the mood I'm going for but I wasn't sure whether I'd managed it. I want to really convey that sense of mistrust and unease throughout the entire story, because it does happen during very difficult times and the plot is kind of dark as well.
Jane is fairly clever, and she will figure out the truth about Remus eventually. The issue is really that being a werewolf is just not something that Jane even considers when she's thinking about people she knows and likes - she's not prejudiced, exactly, but she thinks of werewolves as being so different from her that it really doesn't occur to her that Remus could be one. That will be a problem for her later... ;)
Thank you so much for your review! Report Review
To be really honest, this isn't the kind of story I would usually read. But that's the good thing with a rewiev thread, isn't it, because it makes me read stories I wouldn't have discovered otherwise. And , judging from this first chapter, this is a story I'm going to enjoy, but probably would have missed because of the genre, and because of the OC main character.
I didn't have to read more than a few paragraphs before I was captured by your story. You have an amazing way of writing, your language is rich and descriptive.
I can see how full moon must be a challenge at St Mungos... You did a great job with telling about different aspects of the problem.
I'm going to continue with your next chaper and leave you another review.Author's Response: That's definitely something I like about my review thread, too. I mean, yes, there are a few things that I just won't read, but there are a lot of things that I just wouldn't think to read or wouldn't have the time to find that I end up falling completely in love with.
Thank you so much for the review. I'm really glad you enjoyed the chapter so much, and I hope you continue to feel that way! Report Review
I really liked this chapter. I was able to get more of an impression of the type of relationship that is between Jane and Remus. I will admit that I found it weird that James' parents were so old. Maybe it is due to the fact that my family all married and had children by the time they hit their mid twenties.
I liked the idea behind Jane confessing her mission to someone, but I wish I knew more about Reagan to understand why she was able to trust her and not someone else. I also wish I knew more about why she was so anxious the next morning. If she trusted Reagan so much why would she be so anxious.
You have catch my attention and now I just have to see what the next chapter is going to bring next. Hope to see the next chapter soon.Author's Response: Oh, I doubt that it's just your family - 80 is quite old to have a kid in any family in the real world, especially for a woman! But since James's parents were supposed to have had him late, and late by wizarding standards is different than by Muggle standards, I felt like I needed to not make them 30 or even 40. I would have made them about 60 - which is certainly old for Muggles - except that they're supposed to have been elderly when they died, and from the books it doesn't seem like 80 is particularly old. It feels weird for me to write, too, though!
I'll add in some about Reagan when I get the chance - Reagan is one of Jane's cousins, and they were pretty close growing up.
Thank you so much for your review! Report Review
For the beginning of a story I think this was a good start. I really liked the descriptions that you put into the very first few paragraphs.
Personally I would have liked a bit more information on Jane and Remus' past relationship and how it has effected their relationship at this time, but I still thought that you did a great job.
How did the boy that she knew from school get poisoned? Was it something he ate or exposed to unintentionally? I only ask because you spiked my curiosity when you mentioned that she stopped eating out and started testing anything she was about to consumed.
Since the muggleborns are being killed even after they are supposedly healed it makes me wonder whether or not a death eater has infiltrated St. Mungo's. Guess I will have to continue reading in order to find out more.
Good job.Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much!
I see what you mean about Jane and Remus's past relationship. I wondered whether to work more in, but I ended up not being able to find a way to do so that felt natural. I'll look at it again.
She's not sure how he got poisoned, but she suspects that he was poisoned. That's part of the difficulty for her - it's just so hard to know anything anymore.
Thank you so much for the review. :) Report Review
I was so happy to see the story had updated!
I really loved this chapter too! I love your characters; they have such strong voices and clear personalities. I thought your Lily, in particular, was so similar to the cannon! Perfect! :)
Anyway I'm really excited to see where this story goes! It's so well written! Well done ^_^Author's Response: Oh, yay! :) I'm glad I haven't lost your interest - I was a bit nervous that I wasn't moving it along fast enough. I'm also really glad that you like my Lily - I have a Lily/James fic (that Jane occasionally appears in, actually), and I really, really enjoy writing them. :P
Thank you so much for the review. :) I'll have the next chapter up as soon as I can! Report Review
This was a very wonderful read! The way you wrote all of the emotion and detail in the beginning about 'werewolf night', and seeing people dying as a healer was very heartwrenching.
Jane doesn't know then, about Remus' condition? I'd love to read more about how/when she figures out his secret. I loved the way you wrote Remus; even though it looks as if he's refused Jane's affection a lot in the past, it seems as if he's getting better with her. I'll be looking for updates, fantastic work on this!Author's Response: Oh, her finding out his secret definitely plays a role in several chapters coming up - I hope it doesn't disappoint! :)
I'm sorry for taking so long to respond to this, but I really do appreciate it. ♥ Report Review
Hey. Here I am with the requested review.
Jane seems to be quite an interesting character. She is a healer which obviously means she must be clever but you have also shown that she is tough and full of determination by her willingness to tough it out.
I think you've managed to show the fact that there are tough times ahead really well by elabourating on the fact that many people are dying from poisons and things which would have typically been set up by death eaters. The idea of the increase in werewolves is also interesting and very believable.
Something I may point out though is that surely if there was a register of the werewolves then Jane would have known that Remus was one, and the parents at Hogwarts would have known that, but it's just a thought.
I'm interested to see where you go with the idea of people dropping dead and why that is. It's a very interesting concept.
I love the relationship you're portraying between Remus and Jane though. He seems very hesitant and apologetic which is how he is portrayed throughout canon so I think you're doing a very good job.
10/10 and feel free to rerequest!Author's Response: Hey! I'm really, really sorry for the terrible delay in responding to you - I've been a bit stressed lately and as a result turned incredibly lame. :(
I'm assuming that Remus wasn't on the registry, or if he was, it's not something that's easily accessible. If it was, I doubt that the parents of other students would have been okay with him attending Hogwarts, you know?
Just my take, though. :)
Thank you for your review. I'm glad you think I'm doing a good job thus far, and I'll certainly be back to rerequest! Report Review
You, my dear, are an amazing writer. I love your characters and your story and the way you've done this and *breathes*
Right. I like this story, a lot. I like the fact that they are out of school, I like the fact that she still hasn't figured out Remus is a werewolf yet, I love the intrigue you've added with her having a mission from Dumbledore, I just love everything. This has soo much potential (as a lot of first chapters do) but I can see an amazing talent to fulfill, or even surpass, that. I don't even remember what you AoC was, but whatever it was, don't worry about it. It's amazing.Author's Response: Thank you so much! :)
When I first started writing this, I felt like I probably had a good idea, but I was a little worried about whether I was either wrong or just executing it poorly. I'm really glad that you feel like it has potential, and I hope that I can write the story to live up to it. :) Report Review
Hi! I've come by to review your entry ♥
I really love the way you began this story -- you instantly made me feel like there was a pervasive atmosphere of fear in the plot. I could easily put myself in Jane's shoes, peeking around corners and checking food twice in order to avoid succumbing to the dark nature that claimed so many others.
I really love the messy, disjointed way you described Remus's relationship with Jane, too. Again, I feel a lot of sympathy for her, and the messiness seems to work with the overall feel of the plot. The identity checks are a nice way to hearken back to canon, since they were so important to poor Remus, and I liked the awkward way in which they interacted in the present. I think the way you wrote them, with her trying to figure him out and be there for him and him pulling away even now that he knows she has the best of intentions, is just really perfect. It reminds me of Remus/Tonks, but not so much that Jane seems like a copy of her, not in the least. It's a delicate balance and I can't complain one bit about it.
The ending to this was nice, too -- you've created a good bit of suspense, and I definitely want to read on when you have more posted. I can't wait to see what you'll do next! :)
Excellent -- I'm really impressed with your entry.
AmandaAuthor's Response: Hey! :) Sorry for the delay in my response. :( I hope you can forgive me.
I'm really glad that you thought I worked the balance well. I wanted to show some hints of the Remus we knew in the books, but I didn't want to overdo it.
I'm working on the second chapter - with how long the queue is, it will hopefully in the queue by the deadline but not validated. :( I'm glad you like the story so much, though, and I hope I don't disappoint. :) Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review! =)
You're back with your requests! I was so happy to see your request in my topic; I'd been worried that somehow, I had offended you away and that you'd disliked my reviews. It's such a relief to be back reviewing your story! =)
Well, I really like this new idea of yours. I think that it's very interesting and given the way you've started the story, I felt that it was going to be fun, sweet and interesting to read (even though it's supposed to be scary story, but still =P)
Description: The description is not the really detailed one, that's for sure. But interestingly, I felt like you did not need excessive description and too much imagery in this chapter. It was perfect the way it is and the way you described the emotions and feelings was excellent. I really could feel pity for Remus; also there was some sort of familiar touch about him that made reading this story all the more enjoyable. Your dialogues did most of the work for description which means that it's excellent the way it is =) I like it!
Characterization: Even though it's only the first chapter, I really felt like I could connect with both Jane and Remus. I love the way she seems to care about him so much but on the other hand is frustrated with him. And there, he cares about her clearly and wants to be with her but is holding back. You portrayed those parts of their characters brilliantly and I think that it couldn't have been any better.
Flow: It went perfectly. I think that your writing style in this story suits the theme of the story. The short sentences and paragraphs add to the story instead of making it seem abrupt. As its mystery and suspense, I think that the shorter sentences are way better than the longer ones.
It's a perfectly good chapter, though I was wondering something. Jane and Remus have known each other for so long and you know, she knows that he's been sick over the years. And they were considerably close by the looks of it, so I wondered why Jane hadn't already figured out that he was a werewolf. She's a healer so, you know, she should be able to notice the visible signs of a disease, right? It's just a thought; of course, I understand that her not knowing is important for your story. Maybe you could decrease the time they had spent together just to keep us form wondering why she doesn't know already? Anyway, I'm sure you already have a justification so I'll just wait for that =)
It's good to be back to your stories! =) Thanks for requesting and I hope that you find this review helpful. This is a really good story and I've already fallen in love with the characters already! Really good job! =) Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! =DAuthor's Response: Oh, no, of course you haven't! ♥ I just never seemed to see your thread when you have spots open. I was sad.
I'm really glad that you felt like you could connect with the characters - as a reader, I know that that's one of the most important things I look for in a story, and I love finding it early on. So yay. :)
Yes, Jane is a healer, so she probably should have noticed it - but I tend toward thinking that it would just seem so ridiculous that she wouldn't. I mean, who would have thought that Dumbledore would allow a werewolf to attend Hogwarts (in the time)? You know?
I do have some justification for it, though, and I hope it satisfies you. :)
Thank you so much for the review. As always, you are exceptionally helpful. Report Review
This was great! It was really well written. Your characters are clear and relatable, and the mystery at St. Mungo's is so interesting! I can't wait to read more, and I really like the relationship between Remus and Jane, because it is so complex and interesting! Can't wait to read more!Author's Response: I'm glad you like it so far! :) The idea popped into my head after I finished another one-shot about the First Wizarding War, and I'm really looking forward to working on it.
Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
Interesting, can't wait to see what happens next.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! :) I'll get the next chapter up soon! Report Review
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