Reading Reviews for Not Another Fairytale.
  
94 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ssad The First Date

14th September 2014:
r we gonna get more explanation on what's going on with scorpius and rose ? ?
Other than that great chapter!

Author's Response: All shall be revealed ;)

TheGirlOnFire


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Review #2, by ssad The First Date

14th September 2014:
r we gonna get more explanation on what's going on with scorpius and rose ? ?
Other than that great chapter!

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Review #3, by kassandra466 The First Date

14th August 2014:
I thought they got off on the wrong foot ,but the have gotten better as time went on. Anything superb chapter and I can't wait for more.

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Review #4, by kassandra466 That just happened.

14th August 2014:
How intriguing. I can't wait to see how this pans
out.

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Review #5, by kassandra466 The One With The Question

14th August 2014:
I actually prefer this spacing. I really really loved this chapter. Can't wait to read more. Al and daisy are brilliant

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Review #6, by kassandra466 The One With The Party

14th August 2014:
Okay I really really loved this chapter. Best one yet.

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Review #7, by kassandra466 The one with Carlos the Pygmy puff

14th August 2014:
I love how when daisy told rose she already knew. It was brilliant.

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Review #8, by kassandra466 The one that came next

14th August 2014:
I enjoyed it it was stupendous.

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Review #9, by kassandra466 The one with chaos and realisations

14th August 2014:
Another flawless chapter. Well done.

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Review #10, by kassandra466 The One I Where I Give Into Temptation

13th August 2014:
I liked it. Although the part all in italics was really distracting. But maybe this just me.

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Review #11, by kassandra466 Then one with the bet.

13th August 2014:
Ooooh, I loved this chapter. There is so much a stake and what not with all the be hullabaloo. Another lovely chapter

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Review #12, by kassandra466 Once Upon A Time...

13th August 2014:
I liked it. Not where I thought this was going. But I am enjoying it. Fabulous job.

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Review #13, by VeronicaOlivia That just happened.

15th July 2014:
Beautiful! You have such a great story going here and I am about to fall off my seat because I need to know what will happen next!

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Review #14, by bri That just happened.

18th June 2014:
Good chapter, It was quite intresting reading along and trying to figure out what was daisy thinking!! Lol she need to figure out that al likes her already! Haha can't wait for the incoming chapters! Hope they come out soon!!!

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Review #15, by Kaitlan That just happened.

4th May 2014:
I love love love this story please keep going

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Review #16, by Rumpelstiltskin The one with chaos and realisations

16th March 2014:
Hey there, I'm here for Blackout (number 16/20).

Plot/plot arch: So, it seems there's a little trouble in their already troubled pseudo-paradise, if that's what you could call it. Information does have a way of traveling through schools, especially once it turns into more interesting misinformation, so I like that you added that little element. Fate certainly doesn't seem to be on their side in this chapter, landing themselves in detention and all. To top it off, Daisy ends up becoming partners with Albus. This can only end disastrously. Frenemies with benefits? I stand by my disastrous ending comment ;).

Characterization: Oh Daisy, such strange thoughts on a consistent basis...that's why she's a fun character. It takes a special kind of person to speculate about the impracticality of carrying coins in a bag, rather than paper money.

Other/Notes: Again, I love the interactions with dialogue, especially when your characters are arguing. You do a very good job with that.

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hey Rumpel,
I would call it an already trouble pseudo-paradise. They're in trouble and they love causing more. Yes, rumours spreading is the worse thing in school, nothing is ever what you heard.

I'm glad you like Daisy and her crazy thought. And I'm glad you enjoyed the dialogue, I hope that I can keep it going an keep you interested.

TheGirlOnFirexx


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Review #17, by Rumpelstiltskin The One I Where I Give Into Temptation

14th March 2014:
I'm back (Blackout 4/20), with a brand-new reviewing style to prevent me from rambling too much!

Plot arch, so far: Whoa boy, Dom is right when she's talking about tension ;). From the beginning, what a better way to wake up than in a slightly embarrassing situation that involves your sworn-enemy-made-ally as your pseudo-pillow. Of course, that was just the beginning of what would be the hilarious misadventures of the pancake-making extravaganza. Speaking of, just wow. I'm truly at a loss for words for that segment, it seemed like one hysterical disaster after another. The arguing over how to make the pancakes, the flower catastrophe, how the batter turned out, pouring a ton of batter into the pan, dropping the glass bowl, the disgusting pancake... it was all amazing.

Characterization: I'm going to narrow this down to only Daisy and Albus for now, because I'm limited to character numbers. Daisy, of course, is an interesting character. She's slightly insane, but that makes her all the more fun. Albus is a typical teenage boy, and seems to take pleasure in annoying the halibuts out of Daisy. As teenagers, with hormones, they seem to be playing their roles nicely.

Style: I'm just making a quick note on the story style here, because I really enjoy it. First of all, you always begin with "Once upon a time...or--", which I really just love because it's not meant to exactly be a fairy tail, although it is, and I think that reiterates the fact as well as adds a little flare to the style. The structure is also quite nice, there is a situation, and then some fantastic quirky bits of dialogue, and I love dialogue. Nobody could ever say that this story lacks conflict, because it is jam-packed with some fun conflicts. I especially like the Daisy and Albus versus Pancakes conflict, but you probably already know that. Of course, all of this inevitably end up in a kiss, even if it was the smallest of kisses, and James' intrusion. :D

Emotion: Daisy's annoyance and anger did shine through, though I've been wrapped up in hysterics throughout the entire chapter, so...yeah.

Other/Notes: Out of all the fabulous lines in this, I have to say that this one is my favorite: "The apocalypse is nigh, were all going to die." --What a fabulous afterthought to the kiss and Daisy's almost-feelings for Albus.

Fantastic job!

-Rumpel

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Review #18, by Lululuna Once Upon A Time...

13th March 2014:
Hello! :)

This seems like an interesting start! :) I quite like Daisy so far - she's very sassy and snarky, but I think there's a more vulnerable interior which seems interesting. I liked how she introduced herself through the fairytale story, as if she were trying to make herself feel better about her difficult life and situation. Also, how she seemed very confident and nonchalant throughout the evening, but then is hiding bruises and emotional scars which few get to see.

I'm so curious about why she hates Albus so much! He doesn't seem so bad, perhaps it is a way of dealing with a crush. :P The truth or dare game made me laugh with how systematic it was, what with the Hat and all the fearsome dares. I thought it was so clever how she drew from the Hat to refrain from kissing Albus, then went to having to kiss him for longer and in a closet because of Roxy, and then to actually wanting to kiss him! :P It was just great.

This prank seems quite interesting. I feel like this crew would get up to some very strange and entertaining shenanigans, and this was a wonderful beginning to that! :) I enjoyed this a lot!

Blackout Round 3 - 15/20

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Review #19, by TidalDragon That just happened.

9th March 2014:
Thank you for walking back the blackmail! I think Daisy probably got over it too quickly, but I'm glad to see that you withdrew that dagger before it could poison things for long - a very wise decision. I think you also did a good job with Daisy's initial feelings about the arrangement before it was taken back.

A couple of things I did notice for editing - I think you changed the name of one of the step-sisters and you definitely changed the spelling of the other. Characters always have to be consistent so make sure to fix that. Additionally, the manner in which Albus asked Daisy to Hogsmeade and the follow-up with the friends just didn't feel right to me. It seemed like something that would definitely be addressed in private given their situation, especially given their apparent concern for their friends and family's opinions.

Outside the plot, I thought it was nice that this chapter was a bit more streamlined and well-structured than some of the others.

To summarize some of my comments from throughout the story though, I would definitely work on using description and internal monologues as vehicles to advance the plot and let us see what is going on with different characters more so than dialogue. Though it has improved somewhat, dialogue is still dominating the story, partly because some of what I mentioned before is missing and partly because you're still driving each character present into some conversations unnecessarily. Finally, if you feel that you can't cut dialogue significantly as a driver of the story, I would really look into refining your language in dialogue tags. You can make a public setting contain a private conversation, convey vital body language, actions, etc. all with effective use of dialogue tags. If you carry that carefulness into the rest of your descriptions and into the spoken parts of the dialogue themselves as well it will only keep your story getting better and better.

Good luck as you go forward! Hope I was able to help!

Author's Response: Hi again,

The blackmail was never going to stick, blackmail is a serious thing. I had no choice but to take it back, it's a hard thing to comeback from it. It would have inevitably have ruined any chance they had at a 'normal' relationship.

The spelling of the step-sister always confuses me as there is two different variations of that name. I didn't change the name of the other step-sister, she's always been called Anastasia.

I will try to use more dialogue tags to convey certain things, if you think that that will help. I am working on description and inner monologues as part of my creative writing coursework and hope that I'll be able to use it improve this story.

I want to thank you for taking the time to review all mu chapters and give me CC for each and everyone. This will really help to improve my writing and this story. You have been a great help. :D

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx


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Review #20, by TidalDragon The One With The Question

9th March 2014:
Okay! Seems like you recaptured something from Chapter 6. I thought the interactions here were more believable again, especially Daisy's reaction to being blackmailed.

I am concerned for the long term plot based on the blackmailing though. While the subject of the blackmail is relatively innocuous, that Albus would do it is very problematic both for his character and any future relationship he and Daisy would have. It's the height of manipulation and would realistically be incredibly toxic to a future relationship developing if you do intend on going through with that.

Before that point, it was nice to continue seeing a different side of Albus. Even if Daisy did not acknowledge it, prior to the blackmail he seemed like he was turning out to actually be a decent guy underneath it all which would feed the idea of relationship developing well.

Author's Response: Hi again,

I'm glad that you like this chapter too. No one would react well to blackmail, that's what I tried to capture in this chapter. I'm glad it worked. The blackmail is part of the plot but not a major part. I only comes up a few more times. Albus isn't as terrible as Daisy makes him seem and it will take her a while to see that.

Anyway thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx


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Review #21, by TidalDragon The One With The Party

9th March 2014:
Starting right in, while I appreciate a good first-person story, I think with the scenario you set up it is realistic to get Albus's perspective on the situation, so I think it was a great decision to delve into his POV. It also gave us a little bit more realistic look at the type of person he really is, which was refreshing.

I did find the end of the chapter to be a bit unrealistic in terms of the childhood flashback. The only way I can picture it really working is if you set up some way in which Albus is similar in appearance to her father (or at least young photos of him), but unless she was thinking about her father while drunk (which it didn't seem she was from the rest of the chapter), it's unlikely she would project him onto Albus, at least in my opinion.

You might also do well to cut down on some of the attire descriptions and preparation for the party by the girls. It seemed like something that would realistically happen, but I think covering every moment of it may have been slightly excessive given that no character's attire was really important to the chapter's plot. Just a thought.

Author's Response: Hi again,

I'm glad you liked Albus's POV, I felt iffy about using it.it. I'm glad it wasn't a total bust. As for the childhood flashback, that is explained further down the story. It's not due to what you suggested but due to something slightly different. I will see what I can do about the clothing description, I will try to cut it down if I can.

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx


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Review #22, by TidalDragon The one with Carlos the Pygmy puff

9th March 2014:
Howdy again!

I thought this chapter was probably the best so far on a lot of levels. It was by far the most believable for me, you broke up the scenes naturally and at logical points, and it we got to see a little deeper into Daisy and Albus's characters than in previous chapters.

There are two things I would work on in this one. The first is the description of the common room. It's good to have it laid out, but it will be even better if you use some vivid language to really paint a picture in a readers mind. Generally, I also always force myself to modify what I'm calling something or how I'm describing it if I have to use slashes at any point because that is usually a signal to me that I could be clearer on the page about what it is or clearer in my own mind about what I'm really trying to describe.

The other item was the pygmy puff section. If the pygmy puff has a point to the story in the future, totally ignore this, but as the scene was described, it didn't seem necessary and it took up a decent chunk of space in an otherwise focused and well-structured chapter.

Author's Response: Hi again,

I'm glad you like this chapter, I will try to change the description of the common room to build a better picture. Describing rooms has never been a string point for me but I'll change things around and try to make it better. I'll try and use different words to describe things without using slashes,

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx



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Review #23, by TidalDragon The one that came next

9th March 2014:
Okay! Though I have a soft spot for the playing of Quidditch getting some page time if it's brought up (even practice), I like even more that you used time lapse language to skip portions of practice if nothing significant was going to happen.

I was also glad to see that you put the brakes on Daisy and Albus for at least this chapter. I am however missing follow-up on the bruising Albus saw. I thought that was going to be an interesting plot point carried through the story and I think it would be nice to at least get the real story from Daisy if it is too soon to address with other characters. I know this could be difficult ground with the ToS depending on whether it is really what I suspect, but despite that, I hope you pick it back up at some point.

The biggest thing about this chapter that was problematic for me was probably the language again. I recognize these are teenage characters and that IRL some or a lot of them would probably cuss like sailors (I did so more than I'm proud of when I was younger). At the same time, in reading a story, it's just a bit off-putting. The frequency with which Daisy has began to do it also seems a bit remarkable given her back-story and the way she initially seemed to be a bit more refined than some of the other characters in the first two chapters.

See you at the end of Chapter 6!

Author's Response: Hi,

Yeah I thought Quidditch was well over due. The bruising on Daisy's arm is part of the whole plot, it will be back just not yet. It will be back soon, I need to work out a way to write it and make it ToS compliant. I can guarantee that it will be back though.

I am going to remove the swearing, I re-read this and I don't like it either, it makes the text seem more crass. I try to make these characters seem like real teenagers but it's hard without them coming of as unrealistic.

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx


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Review #24, by TidalDragon The one with chaos and realisations

9th March 2014:
First, I liked that you used less dialogue again and broke up the speech with some more reactions and internal thought processes. Keep doing this.

Two things that jumped out at me immediately were the f-bomb and the misspelled incantation. I understand that the relationship between Daisy and Albus is very fractious, but I thought the f-bomb was over the top. Realistically, even amongst teenage students, such language should only be used in extreme circumstances or if swearing is a serious part of the character's regular speech patterns and personality (see Pulp Fiction). Like I said in my earlier review, people look past typos and spelling errors if they are unimportant and rare, but an incantation for a spell really stands out, so it's vital not to let your mistake happen there.

Also, from last chapter to this one, there is a stark difference in length. Some of that is because you covered a longer span of time and had more characters involved, but I would be careful to focus on only what you truly need. Once you have those scenes, use time lapse language to skip through the day so you aren't creating superficial scenes where nothing really happens simply to avoid having gaps in the day. Readers understand that not every moment of your characters' lives is exciting and that even weeks at a time can be relatively mundane - so mundane that they can be dismissed away in a single sentence using time lapse language. Skipping ahead using that language also ensures that in a plot like this, things don't feel rushed.

Author's Response: Hi again,

The f-bomb! I forgot about that, I was meant to remove it, I thought it was a bit much too. The time lapsing this is an issue for me, I tend to show way too much into the characters life, I will try and remove some scenes that aren't required for the plot. Slowing things down is an isse for m, I'm trying to work things out so that they don't see rushed.

Thanks again :),

TheGirlOnFirexx


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Review #25, by TidalDragon The One I Where I Give Into Temptation

9th March 2014:
Cutting to the chase, I like that this chapter contains significantly less words. Obviously that's easier with less time passing and fewer people in the room, but you also streamlined the scene better and seemed to focus in on the important moments more so than the previous two.

Since I am going in order, I'm not sure how quickly this is going to end up going, but I'm feeling that the Daisy/Albus feelings are a bit rushed. Part of that is that you set up the bet as a cliffhanger in the end of last chapter. To me that seemed like a device that was going to slow things down and we were going to get a bit more into Daisy's head or break her into some dialogue with different characters to let her growing feelings get some play. Instead, she caves on the bet at the end of this chapter. One danger with this is that it risks diminishing both Daisy and Albus's complexity as characters. I hope we'll see them develop more slowly and independently going forward so that we can get a little more depth.

Author's Response: Hi there,

I totally see where you are coming from, the story and there relationship is moving faster than I predicted, I'm currently revising EVERYTHING and debating whether the time line suits the story, I'm working on taking their relationship back a notch, as it moves forward. In the nine chapters I've published I am trying to take things back a little and slow things down, to give everything more depth and more reason.

Thanks again,

TheGirlOnFirexx


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