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Review #1, by long_live_luna_bellatrix The Not So Prestigious Event Of Hogwarts

17th March 2015:
Hi! I'm here to review for the HPFF fundraiser.

Interesting start to a story, here. I like how you've added in Fred's drama to the already canon disaster of Harry, Ron, and Hermione's evenings. I'm always interested to read stories that pair Hermione with a Weasley other than Ron, because given how much time she spends with that family, and how grumpy and immature Ron is for much of the books (I still love him, of course!) I can easily imagine her falling for a different Weasley boy.

One thing that could me off guard was how blatantly you described Fred as "checking out" Hermione. Given that he was just publicly dumped, I would imagine him to be a little focused on his current woes than actively searching for other girls. I think it might be more natural for something along the lines of Fred noticing how beautiful Hermione looked in her dress to happen. This does an equally good, if not more subtle, job of letting us know that the story will focus on their relationship; it also puts Fred in a better light.

Some brief dialogue tips: (there are definitely more in depth threads in the Writers Resources section of the forum, that's where I learned how to properly format dialogue!) First, punctuation: you always need punctuation at the end of dialogue, and it always goes inside the quotation marks. If the dialogue precedes something like 'said Harry,' then you never use a periodĖ always a comma, question mark, or exclamation point. (For example: "How are you doing?" asked Harry. "I'm fine," said Fred.) You only use a period when you're not attaching some 'Harry said' or 'Hermione pleaded' after it. (For example: "I'm tired, I'm going to go to bed. Night, guys." Hermione turned and retreated up to her dormitory). This brings me to the other part: capitalization. There's no need to capitalize the "said" or "asked" or any other verbs used to portray people talking (see my example with the punctuation). Those can remain lower case.

Over all, though, I like the way you've introduced the characters, and the relationship they have. I enjoyed how you described Fred and George being more than brothers, more than friends, but truly compatible and understanding. I can wholeheartedly understand that. Furthermore, I like how you've portrayed Hermione and Ginny as friends; so many people act as if Ron and Harry are the only people Hermione ever spoke to at Hogwarts! But it did really seem, in the books, that by the end she and Ginny were close. So that was a nice touch.

Good start to this one, although I'd definitely suggest you take a second look at some of the dialogue mechanics. Good luck!


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