This story is so addicting! I want to know what happens next! I feel so sad for Ron, I was surprised he gave up Harry :(. Also, I'm unsure of why people are telling you it's so confusing. I might be wrong on this, but I assumed after being granted Headmastet position riddle went about his power struggle in very different ways. He hunted down and killed Harry because he feared being brought down, he was man being sought after by Aurors and the order, in this univers he is controlling and running everything with power and pay offs, not pointing illegal activities to himself. The prophecy probably never would have been spoken considering the extreme change of futures. I guess that's just what I assumed upon reading the first few chapters..
Anyway, love your story :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Sorry it's taken so long to respond.
And you are correct in regards to the prophecy never happening and Riddle going about obtaining power in a different manner. I've kept his motivations in the dark for a purpose, but you have his character pretty much on lock right here.
Thanks for the great review again and I hope you update your story soon! Report Review
Wow! Being a big fan of the death eater supporters(; I love this!
I think your characterization is wonderful! The detail and flow are brilliant, and you've really showed your talent as an author.
I will be continuing to read this, the moment I can! I've never read anything like this before, kudos to you for such an awesome idea!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you like it and support the Death Eaters and hope to see a few more reviews from you in the future! Report Review
So I think I've pinpointed the author your style reminds me of: Darren Shan. When you write extremely dark things, you do it in a way not to focus on it, but realize what is happening and the importance of the situation. I feel like this story is already crafted and forming very nicely as it goes along. It seems like this world definitely proves Harry Could have had it worse. It is like attending the absent seventh year of the actual books, only much more terrible. I am absolutely, positively, enthralled with this story.
As for the grammatical and spelling issues, you don't really have any. The main continuous word problems that occur are repeated words or phrases. "The trio the trio went," or "The trio they went". I'm sure it is just an issue of deleting passages and such, but there are a few places this happens and it does attract attention. :)
Your characterization of everyone, though it is AU, is absolutely wonderful. I love Draco, every ounce of him. In fact, even though he was beaten and bloodied, picturing him with his unusual tasseled hair made me smile (imagining Tom Felton of course ;)). Harry is very much the same, but entirely different, too. The whole situation is very believable, you've done an excellent job making sure of that.
I will continue to read on once you update. This chapter, and the chapters of what you have up so far, get a 10/10 rating from me! :)Author's Response: I've never read anything from Darren Shan, but I'll have to pick something up if you see that as my comparison! I always like a good horror book and draw inspirations from all the things I read.
Unfortunately, word doesn't catch repeats that often and I read through and edit the story as much as I can but without a beta, it's the best I can do. Thanks for the heads up!
I worked my hard on my characterizations and I'm glad you appreciate them. The plot is always important to me, but without the right characters, I don't think people ever feel anything more than a passing, "Huh, that's cool." Draco is my favorite in this story as well.
I hope you keep reading and thanks again for all your reviews. They were great and gave me things to think about and review for the future of this story. Report Review
My theory is the woman is Umbridge, lol. Short and old, and that's what I picture? Poor woman lol. Anyway, I would go on about how well this story is planned out and your description is remarkable, but you know that. As for Hermione, it is sad for me to think of her as a bad guy, so I'm not going to picture that. I hope that she is just doing something that is for the greater good, and things will get easier between the two trios. I have one more chapter to catch up with, so I'll be back! :) Report Review
First off, I would love to mention how much I loved James trying to tell the kids what they did wrong. It seemed so like him, and I even chuckled through my exhaustion! I don't really think they would tell him not to be an Auror though. I know they are keeping safety and best interest in mind, but if he wanted to do it, I think his parents would bend over backwards on the idea. Just my opinion though. The chapter was great and I can't wait to see their experience at Emoorn. I don't think their plan is exactly perfect, but I guess I'll find out. :)Author's Response: It's difficult writing a character when you can't really explain his motivations and I think it's poor of a writer to say, "Well, it'll be explained later on," so I can't really do that either. I understand how it's inconsistent with his character though.
I'm glad you chuckled at James' reaction. I like writing James and Lily if they lived. Report Review
Well, I will definitely say that the last sentence sent a wave of goosebumps up my arms. This chapter was magnificent. You have managed to make everything believable to me (which is very good, as I've stated I don't normally read AU like this). There is a part where Voldemort calls Ron Mr. Weasle, which makes me think of Weasel, so you may want to change that for the seriousness later ;). Otherwise, the gun? Really? I can't help but honestly see this go into some strange, Holocaust thing. I really don't think Riddle has changed, and he is behind all of this. I will continue on!Author's Response: Thank for pointing that out! I read through it as much as I can, but I still miss somethings. There is some sort of historical perspective on the whole story, so you're not completely off there, but suffice to say, I won't be putting all the Muggle-borns in imprisonment camps! Report Review
Starting to make sense and get a little intresting!Author's Response: Glad you stuck through the confusion! There is a plot somewhere in there and I hope you like the future chapters. Report Review
This story is good but very confusing.Author's Response: Hopefully I can clear some of it up soon! Report Review
Dumbeldore would never have done that :L You could have made it a bit more 'realistic' But Its a good storyline neverthless Report Review
First of all I have to say that I think this is a great idea for a story. There are so many seemingly minor events in the books that could have changed the whole trajectery of the story, and Voldemort asking for the DADA job was definetely one of them. I can only imagine what horrors he would unleash if he got the job.
I really enjoyed the dialogue in this chapter. You captured the way Dumbledore would be calm and unimpressed, and was pretty much the only one who could call him Tom to his face and get away with it. You also portrayed the way voldemort was a master manipulaor, and how he knew people's weaknesses and how to exploit them, in this case, the dethly hallows.
My one complaint is that while Dumbledore starts off strong, he seems to become a bit OOC in the later half. I understand why it had to happen for the story, but it's ahrd for me to picture Dumbledore giving in that easily. Even though he wanted the deathly hallows badly, he knew what was at stake and the possible consequences of allowing Voldemort to become headmaster, and despite his own ambitions, he always seemed to put the children first.
Overall I think this is a very promising story, and it is definetely the type of story I would like to read more of. It flowed very well and there is more than enough suspense to make you want to read the next chapter.Author's Response: Thanks for the tag!
I've had that same thought hundreds of times throughout the series. What if Voldemort chose Neville? What if Harry accepted Draco's offer for friendship? What if Ron didn't make Hermione cry and resulted in never finding her when the troll attacked? So many tangents in the HP world.
I agree with your assessment on their characterizations. Alas, Dumbledore had to falter in order for my plot contrivance to work and so his character is sacrificed into the pit of poor writing.
But thanks for reviewing and I"m glad you liked the story! Report Review
I am definitely intrigued as to what you have planned for this story.
As I have previously mentioned, you seem to be in the flow now. It really does show. I'm enjoying reading it, and it is very easy to read.
It is a very confusing story- like others have said, but I don't think you should take that negatively. I mean, Snape was confusing, was he bad or good, yet we still love the HP stories. I think you succeeded in giving just enough information for us to want to know the rest.
I definitely think you're going in the right direction with this, and I do not think you should be put out by people saying it's confusing.
Your characterization is great, and none of them have been too OOC, which is fantastic to find in an AU story. The flow of writing has greatly improved, and I think you're finding the balance between dialogue and descriptive.
Definitely keep writing it, and if you're in need of another review you can always re-post to my thread. =]Author's Response: Thanks for all your reviews! I'm going to respond to just this one but answer all your other questions.
I don't really like tipping my hand too much in what is supposed to happen. I've definitely dropped a lot of clues as to where this story is leading, but I don't like bashing the reader over the head with, "This is what's going to happen!" so I'm glad you appreciate the subtlety. I'm glad you enjoyed my characters too. Besides the crazy plot, they're probably the funnest thing to write.
One of the things another reviewer suggested was to at least leave an Author's Note as to place everything in context. In lieu of your reviews, I think that's prudent advice. While it may be beneficial to be mysterious, it doesn't help everyone when there's just massive confusion going on.
Thanks for pointing out inconsistencies in pace too. I feel sometimes that I overload some chapters with dialogue and you highlighted that in the "James and Lily" review. I think it usually coincides when I have to introduce a character but don't want to go through the motions of having paragraph upon paragraph explaining their life.
Thank you again for your reviews and for pointing out some flow and clarity issues. I'll make sure to try and address them in upcoming chapters and I'll definitely re-request from you. Report Review
Another great chapter. I think they're getting better and better as they go on. I think now you've established the background of the plot and characters your writing style is much better. Your chapters flow much nicer and there is an easy transition between conversation and description.
I am slightly confused about Hermione's character. I know she has to be OOC, that's not a problem, but she was nice and now she's not. I have no doubt that there is a purpose for it, it just bugs me that I don't know what.
I think one thing that may put people off is that your plot is fairly complicated. I understand that it's AU, and things are much different, but I think some people may be but off by how different things are. Others just like canon way too much.
Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about people being confused. Sometimes confusion is a good thing. I think in your case the confusion is a good thing as it shows that you have created such an air of mystery around your story that readers don't know which direction its going to take next. =] Report Review
There was a lot of dialogue in this chapter that some people would find really overbearing. On the other hand, the dialogue progressed the story wonderfully so I think it worked well, but I would advise you to be careful in future chapters as there is definitely a fine line between a lot of good dialogue and dialogue which is not needed.
I feel as though I'm finally getting into the flow of the story, and I feel like the pace of it is perfect. There is enough happening within the chapters to make sure readers stay interested, yet none of it is overshadowed. I think you've managed to capture the style of the fic now, and it shows. The writing is comfortable to read, and I'm actually excited about the next chapter. Your plot is progressing nicely too.
You also have a really great way of creating mystery within the chapters, and though you may answer one burning question, you seem to provide four or five more.
=] Report Review
I think this was your best chapter yet.
The flow was brilliant, the amount of content was perfect. I think you've found the right balance between drama and descriptions in this chapter!
I am still quite confused as to the whole professors situation, but it isn't a bad confused. I am more intrigued than anything as to why Riddle is allowing it.
Also, the dream captured my attention. I believe it to be significant, yet I don't know why yet, which is slightly frustrating.
This chapter definitely was your best, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Generally have nothing negative to say about it. =] Report Review
So far I'm not that confused, though I do have a few issues that probably need clarifying. Perhaps this is why others are confused?
This was the major one:
While he also supported less dueling oriented magics, Riddle obviously preferred the dueling and regiment classes.
I didn't understand this sentence at all. I think perhaps it was a typo though so I would just be aware of it, and make sure you read your chapters thoroughly before submitting.
The second one was why Riddle didn't seem to be involved with Death Eaters. I'm not sure whether this was done due to AU, or whether it develops further in the plot.
Those were the two major unanswered questions that I had.
I loved the football references! King Kenny = Liverpool and the big spenders = Manchester City? I really liked those when they were used for Quidditch. It seemed to fit nicely.
I also think that Draco, Ron and Harry were very well written. Draco still bragging about money, yet still a very private character. Ron is still prejudiced, thinking that muggleborn's aren't as clever as purebloods. Harry is still caring and willing to defend anyone in trouble.
I think the reason that people may have been confused is that you included Hitler in the chapter. I think perhaps if this had been explored a little more in the chapter it would have made more sense. I think it will be significant later though.
I don't think you should worry about your characterization at all. I think your character are very well thought out, and not OOC. The writing flowed better in this chapter too, which was nice.
I hope I managed to give a little constructive criticism here. =]Author's Response: I'm glad you caught the football reference. You think more people would catch on to it since they're reading Harry Potter, but it just goes under the radar. And yes, City would be the big spenders. Or Chelsea. Take your pick, I hate the blues. Report Review
So far so good.
I think a lot happened in that chapter, and I found it a little broken (if that makes sense) which then made it a little difficult to read. I needed to re-read a few of the lines sometimes. I would suggest that you watch the flow of your writing, as in this chapter it has been a little stop-start.
That said, I think your characterizations were alright. In canon when Voldemort visited Dumbledore, he tried being charming, and I think you have captured his charm perfectly. I also think you've done a great job at writing him when he is slightly tempestuous.
I think your Dumbledore was slightly out of character when he was taken aback. Dumbledore is very wise, and though he may have been surprised, I don't think he would have showed it as much as is emphasized in the chapter.
Now, lets look at the good stuff! I think the idea is great! You've managed to create an air of mystery around the future of the characters, especially surrounding the master of death. I think that the direction you are going in is perfect, and so far I'm not confused at all.
Advice: Watch the flow of writing, and make sure Dumbledore isn't too OOC.
I hope you don't think that I'm being too harsh on you. Sorry if you do. Next chapter! =]Author's Response: Be as harsh as you want! I enjoy constructive criticism as I'm always looking for ways to improve.
Dumbledore is quite out of character during the second half of the conversation and I admit that I had to make him react a certain way to fit the plot. I promise it's one of the last (but not only!) times I'll do that for this story.
But thank you for the advice. I understand what you mean by the dialogue and think it might just be a stylistic problem as I've always written like that. I'll look for ways to remedy it.
Thanks again for the review! Looking forward to your future ones. Report Review
Ah, I get it! So Harry is no longer the chosen one then? I feel so stupid for not working this out earlier. The entire concept strikes me as a lot more realistic now.
I positively adore Draco in this! Granted, he's nowhere near as proud or judgmental as his canon equivalent, but taking into consideration the fact that this is an AU and altering in external factors could have affected his personality, I'm not going to complain. I also have an excuse to like him now (he was always a guilty pleasure of mine beforehand). I also like the dose of humour he contributes to the group dynamic. Usually this would be Ron's job; it's interesting to see how Draco as an addition to the trio helps to change this. Really good characterisation of him; you've maintained all of his fundamental characteristics regardless of the fact this is an AU story. Also, good job with Harry, Ron and Ginny.
The new History of Magic teacher strikes me as a more mediocre version of Snape (thank goodness you got rid of Binns though). I also really enjoyed the historical input you made concerning Hitler and Grindelwald; I too have always marveled at their similarity. One question though, should I at all be worried that this Wizard's surname is Goebbels?
One thing I would like to request - more as a reader than a reviewer - would be more contextual background. Maybe in your author's note you could provide some information that distinguishes more between JK's world and your own (just to make things less confusing for the reader perhaps?). Just a suggestion, it's not really an adequate criticism but I do think that it could be helpful.
There isn't really much else I can comment on; you tick pretty much every box. I must confess at first glance I probably wouldn't have read this story but now that I have I'm really interested. I'm fairly busy at the moment but if I do ever get some free time over the next few weeks I'll try to get back to you and read and review more. It's a really promising story you have here!
x - JessiesGirl - xAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like Draco. I've always had a soft spot for him and while I'm not a particular fan of some stories with a redeemed Draco, I think there's always been potential for him to be more than Harry's school antagonist in canon. I always found Draco pretty hilarious when mocking Harry in the movies and assumed he had a streak of sardonic humor to him.
There's only one Severus Snape, but the fact his surname is Goebbels does hold some historical importance.
I understand what you're saying. I didn't include context because it's not particularly necessary for the plot though I can see where people would be easily confused. Thanks for the recommendation, I'll use it.
Thanks for the detailed review again. It's one my favorite ones and I'll definitely re-request from you in the future if you ever get around to this again.
Cheers! Report Review
Hey there! JessiesGirl form the forums here with the first of your requested reviews.
Naturally, in an AU story the characterisation is bound to be different so I've allowed a little lee-way for that. Regardless of how unrealistic the story proposal may strike me, the concept in general does seem to carry with it a lot of potential; it makes a nice change from the fanfiction I'm usually more accustomed to reading.
To begin on a positive note, your concern for characterisation to me seems unnecessary. On the contrary I think your portrayal of these two characters is one of the best I have ever seen done for them. Granted, they do create a severely difficult task to pull off but you manage it exceptionally well.
The taboo adjective 'whore' Dumbledore applies to his speech midway through the chapter does strike me as somewhat uncharacteristic however. I realise I'm not the first one to point this out but to me it signifies a loss of his control over the conversation; something that isn't very common in the headmaster's canon dialogue. In my opinion, 'You think you can bribe me.' would be enough.
When you go on to describe Dumbledore as 'raging' I can't help but be slightly put off by that as well. Perhaps 'cold' or 'disappointed' or even 'scared' would achieve a similar effect without making him seem out of character.
I truly admire your writing style. Your words flow exceptionally well and I'm particularly impressed by your use of jargon and field specific lexis.
All in all a good introductory chapter.
x - JessiesGirl - xAuthor's Response: Thanks for the detailed review. My concerns with characterization were mostly centered around Dumbledore and I think I've largely found my answer concerning the second half of the chapter. But such is the life of creating a plot contrivance for the sake of the plot bunny. Report Review
Hey, it's Ravenclaw_Charm with your review! Awesome second chapter! Now, let's see here...
Grammar: Just some errors with dialogue punctuation. I also found this spelling mistake:
"Draco peaked forward"
I believe you meant "peeked," not "peaked."
In addition, I stumbled upon two confusing lines:
"He was always exciting..."
"We're getting caught..."
Did you mean "He was always excited" and "We're going to get caught"? They confused me for a second, so if you fix those, it'll improve that chapter (not that it really needs to be improved ;])
Flow: Just the confusing sentences I stated above disturbed the flow. So fix those, and it'll flow better! Everything else was smooth sailing! :)
Pacing: Well done as well! :)
Characterization: This is definitely a strong point for you. I really love how you characterize everyone. I also enjoyed how Draco, Harry, and Ron are friends, and they play off each other so well yet stick to their cannon characteristics. Riddle was excellent as well: firm and mysterious. His first day speech was really good - I'm so conflicted on who's side he's on: Death Eater or Ministry?! Gah... ;P Goebbels gives me the creeps. But his teaching style is interesting, and I like his character. I really liked how his lesson integrated both Muggle and Wizard history. I've actually thought of that - Voldemort and Grindelwald being like wizard Hitlers. Anyway, I'm really excited to see where these characters go and how they'll develop further! :D
All in all, amazing chapter! And with a suspense ending ;) I'm so excited to see what comes next! Thanks for re-requesting!Author's Response: A great review as always.
Thanks for catching those. None of these chapters are beta'd and I must have missed those when I was editing it. Just typos.
I'm glad you enjoy my characters. As convoluted as the plot is probably going to be, I like to think I can keep these characters strong and make people care for them.
Goebbels and Voldemort are interesting because I can't create the same dynamic I have with Harry, Draco, and Ron, so I have to find other ways to reveal their personalities. I'm glad you liked them too.
Thanks again for your review and I'll definitely re-request but a little later so I don't bug you so much! Report Review
Wow! As I read this chapter, it really helped me see how well thought, and originally, too, this story is! I was unsure about Voldemort being a Headmaster, but the new characters you laid out and the new situations (especially the Potters! I love how you described their lives!) are a really good read. Draco is easily turning into one of my favorites and it makes me sad that Harry didn't become his friend in the first place (minus he wouldn't have had Ron). Professor Gobbles (I'm going to stick with that lol), for some reason, strikes me as a Professor Moody. Not sure if I should trust him or not. For some reason, with his lesson, I can't help but think he is trying to warn the kids about what is coming, but I also think he may just be an old geezer who needs to sod off!
Why would McGonagall work at Hogwarts if she could work at Emoorn? Not that she wouldn't love the students at Hogwarts, but her situation would make me think she'd want away from Voldemort. I do like (but hate at the same time) the idea of Emoorn. It is really creative, and I love seeing Hermione, Dean, and Seamus!
This is a really good read, and I give it a 10/10! I am excited to continue!Author's Response: Thanks for continuing to review this!
The first chapter is a bit more of a prologue, so I can understand how everything seems a bit clearer now. Gobbles (as you like it) does play an important part in the future of this story. I'm glad you like Draco, he's one of my more favorite changed characters.
I was initially going to have McGonagall at Emoorn, but felt she would be a better teacher at Hogwarts for reasons I can't reveal until later chapters.
Thanks for reading again and hope to see more of your reviews! Report Review
Brilliant start to what seems like a promising fic :D Now, onto the concerns...
Grammar: Nothing big. I caught just some dialogue punctuation that needs to be fixed.
Ex: "Yes, Dumbledore," Voldemort said in a condescending tone, "There is a reason they call it the Master of Death."
There should be a period after "tone."
Characterization: Excellent! Tom and Dumbledore have been so perfectly characterized - I'm jealous. Just a couple lines in, and their dialogue and actions seemed so close to canon. Awesome job! Just one thing that I kept thinking about was Dumbledore just getting into a rage when Tom kept telling him to take the last two Hallows and eventually taking them. It doesn't seem like Dumbledore, but at the same time, it does. I dunno. Maybe it's just me trying to balance the two sides of Dumbledore too much.
Dialogue: Again, like the characterization, this was excellent as well. Dialogue and characterization go hand-in-hand, and you did this well. No one said anything strange or out of character. I know it's tough to write convincing dialogue, so I commend you on writing this so well :)
Confusions: Just one. How did Tom get the invisibility cloak? I have a feeling he got it from Peter, but Dumbledore had it before James died. So there's that. But I figure it's the point of the story for Tom to have 2/3 of the Deathly Hallows, so that can pass. Other than that, it really isn't confusing so far.
Awesome job on your first chapter! Stories like this can go wrong in so many ways, but you seem to have a good hold on it. So keep writing! :D I'd love to review for you again!Author's Response: Thanks for alerting me on the dialogue grammar. I think I've been inconsistent when it comes to it. Someone told me that I had my periods wrong one time and I've been in a flux for a while about it. Hopefully, I can figure it out.
I'm glad you liked the characterization. Towards the latter end, I did have to create some contrivances for Dumbledore to act like he did, but it is AU after all. I had to create a situation somehow.
I took a bit of creative license with the invisibility cloak. It's not really known where it was before James got it, so I played around with it a bit.
But thanks for the review! I'll definitely re-request from you. Report Review
Hey there :) Sorry about the delay, but i'm finally here to review. Anyway, i'm going to jump straight in, so bare with my for a moment, yes?
Spelling and Grammar -
+ "What if I told you I would disband my course if you were to allow me this position."
- I think this would be better off with a question mark. It's not wrong with a full-stop, but I think the question mark would be better.
+ "It is curious," Voldemort started as he rolled the two items in his palms. "To own two of the three Deathly Hallows but knowing they are useless without the third."
- I think you'd be better off putting a comma after 'palms' and putting the 't' of 'to' in a lower case. There's a great article on the forums about dialogue tags (Writers Resources -> Grammar Guidelines -> Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Dialogue) It's explained a lot better there.
You do this a few times here, using fullstops instead of commas and vice-versa with your dialogue tags. Other than that though, you're generally pretty good, and checking out the forums followed by a quick read through should catch most of the little errors that you've missed :)
Alrighty, on with the other stuff.
Dialogue - This is really good actually; I really enjoyed it, and your portrayal of Dumbledore is one of the best I've read. His language and speech patterns are the closest to canon I've seen in ages. A lot of this should probably go under characterisation, but oh well. I can see what you're saying about the dialogue being a bit 'ham-fisted' at times, but a writers worst critic is themselves. Really, from what I've read so far (granted, it's only the prologue) it's very well done, and I wouldn't be so worried about it.
Characterisation - This is probably covered a fair bit above, but I think you've done these two characters really well here. Dumbledore is the closest to canon I've read in ages, and he's such a pain to write. Tom is done wonderfully and I'm intrigued about the rest of the story, as I think this is showing great promise for an interesting AU.
Oops. I think I covered other things under my headings, but either way, I think I managed to get my points across. This is well done, and nothing to worry about. I'll review chapter 1 soon.
Keep up the great work,
- Adele :)Author's Response: Someone told me in a review in another story that I should put a full stop after a dialogue section and I think I took it too far. In previous stories, I would have put a comma, but I got unsure as to where I could do it. This will probably happen for the next couple of chapters you will read, but thanks for pointing it out so I can finally fix it. It's been bothering me greatly.
I find I can write Dumbledore's and Tom's speech patterns better than teenagers. Their dialogue is very distinct in comparison to everyone else and sometimes I have trouble framing the appropriate age, but I'm glad you liked Dumbledore and Tom's. I very much enjoyed writing their argument.
Thank you for your review and I hope to see more and will definitely re-request you. Report Review
As a crazy side-note, I just found this chapter hilarious. Rather you intended it that way, I doubt it, but do not be afraid, it is just my mind being silly. As Voldemort was talking to Dumbledore in that last bit while he was trying to vex him into getting the Deathly Hallows, I kept seeing Jafar from Aladdin hypnotizing the Salton (Salton being Dumbledore of course lol). Now, back to business! :)
I am completely trapped into this peculiar plot. I have never heard of a story with Voldemort being the Headmaster, though i do warn you, I don't normally like things like this because it is a little too out of canon for me. This seems nice so far, though. I don't really see Voldemort ever being in Hogwarts, especially asking for any position (just when he was much much much younger and first out of high school, like the books say). How old is he in this situation, by the way? The way they talk about the Ministry makes me thinks sometime in the Marauder/Hogwarts era, but with the likelyhood of Voldemort ever getting in, and wanting in, Hogwarts, it isn't possible. I am currently imagining a young Tom Riddle (fresh out of Hogwarts or a little older). Is this correct?
I actually like how you had Dumbledore react to the Deathly Hallows in the first half of this chapter, but not so much in the second half. He really does love, and has searched for, those for a majority of his life, so I do agree that he would have some hesitation, even for the great Dumbledore himself.
Characterization: First half of introducing Dumbledore is very good, but not so much on the second half. I know it is AU, but with the facts you are using, I can't help but see this bit as a little more actual with the characters. The trick would have worked just fine, I think, if maybe they were hexed to make Dumbledore give up the position as soon as he touched them. I also don't think he would ever, no matter how angry, and no matter who he was talking to, say ".cheap whore!" Again, I know it is AU, but this really turned me away from your character of Dumbledore. You seem to have an AU plot developed more than you do AU characters (if that makes any sense).
Voldemort was interesting, though I can't decide if I love his character description yet or not. It seemed pretty good in this chapter, so I can't wait to see him in the others.
Spelling and grammar: There was a section that was repeated in there, I'm pretty sure. Other than that being one of the only things that caught my attention, everything else was pretty good. A few awkward phrases, too, but it was still readable. :)
General liking of the story:
I really want to see what being the Master of Death makes itself to be with Dumbledore. It is really interesting what you have so far and I am excited to learn more. There are a few spots in which I thought were a little confusing, one mainly being the time issue. If it is right when Voldemort finished school, then I would suggest with strictly calling him Tom or Riddle so we know what part of time we are in for this chapter. Also, if that is the case, I'm a little confused about how there would be war if Dumbledore has allowed Voldemort in the school and talked to him so calmly. I would fix this part, unless I'm the only one confused about it. :) Thank you for a lovely story idea to read, I can tell I'm going to enjoy it! I give it a 7/10! :)Author's Response: Sometimes my writing does verge on the edge of camp. I could write a totally serious scene and read it back and find it hilarious for some odd reason, so you're not alone in thinking that!
HPFF has rules against quoting a number of lines from the book, so I wasn't able to include that in here, but the first italicized passage is from Harry Potter and the HBP, Chapter 20. It's 10 years after the death of Hepzibah Smith, so it's around 1956. It's about 10 years before the Mauraders started Hogwarts.
In all my other versions of this story, I was able to include the quote for reference, but the chapter couldn't be validated unless I took a number of things out. In context, Riddle had been away from Hogwarts for about 10 years and returned under false pretenses. I hope that clears up the confusion!
I agree with you on Dumbledore's characterization in the second part. I almost didn't write the prologue and just rather have the facts as Riddle is the Headmaster, but it's a disservice to Dumbledore if I didn't include the initial scene of him leaving. Such is the life of creating plot contrivances; characters are always the ones sacrificed.
But thank you for your review! It gave me a couple things to think of while I continue writing. I've heard lots of feedback on various confusion and vagueness within the story and probably should expand upon that. Report Review
Iíve got mixed feelings with the beginning of this story. On the one hand I think that technically, it was very well written in a fairly engaging style. Iíve not been reading on this site long, but youíre definitely the best author Iíve read in terms of technical ability. Iím also very intrigued at the premises of the story and interested to see where it might lead, even though I donít normally read AU.
However, I donít quite believe that Dumbledore would have been... defeated quite so easily. I think he has great strength of character and an amazing resistance to such things because he knows what he would become if he had possession of the Hallows. That is not to say I donít think he could ever be bribed in that way, I think he probably could, and I think that would have been the only way Voldemort could have bribed him, when it was done in the right way. My problem here is that Dumbledoreís resilience crumbles much sooner than I think believable. I am also not a fan of the idea that Voldemort knows about and has two of the Hallows. In the books it says that Voldemort would not have known about the Hallows, nobody would have read him such childhood stories and I doubt he would have thought to make the connection even if they did. If he did know about them and did seek them out, why did he not use them to become Master of Death himself? Becoming immortal is Voldemortís main aim because of his fear of death, Iím sure he would take any opportunity he could to beat it, so why give two of the Hallows that might protect him from death away? This is not explained in this chapter, though perhaps it is in others. However, my first impression is that him having the Hallows is a convenient plot device to enable him to bribe Dumbledore out of the castle.
Perhaps these questions will be answered later in the chapter, and so this is actually part of why I would want to read on. On the technical side of things, something that jumps out at me is your avoidance of the word Ďsaidí. Writers often strive to come up with different words to use instead of Ďsaidí, but the truth is that Ďsaidí is an invisible word. Readers donít notice it after dialogue because theyíre much more interested in what has come before and what is going to come after. Here, my focus was often taken away from the dialogue because you used a lot of different phrases that caught my attention for the wrong reason.
In terms of characterisation, other than the Dumbledore issue (which, really, I donít see as a characterisation issue, more of a lack of detail issue), I thought you did well. Dumbledore I find really hard to get right mainly because heís so wise and enigmatic and I will admit at never having attempted Voldemort. There were a few phrases that I thought wouldnít have come out of Dumbledoreís mouth ("You think you can bribe me like some cheap whore?" being one), but other than that I think you managed to capture both of them very well.
With your dialogue in terms of structure in the story, sometimes I do think that it was a bit heavy, that there was a bit much of it, but this is personal opinion on style. I prefer a balance of both dialogue and narrative, and here you didnít have so much narrative, but this is perhaps personal preference rather than a major style issue.
So, all in all, while I do think there are things you could have ironed out a little more in this chapter, I am genuinely intrigued as to where this story goes, and impressed with your technique and ability to craft a story.Author's Response: My greatest weakness is shown again.
It's difficult to have so many ideas bouncing around your head and to have all these threads of narrative prepared for this giant web, but not having the needle to tie them together.
Riddle's knowledge and subsequent disregard of the Hallows is a key element to his character in this story but Dumbledore's quick acceptance and defeat is certainly not within character. It's almost easier to just say that Riddle became the Headmaster without showing it, but I feel it would be a big disservice to the former Headmaster to not have this scene incorporated.
Plot contrivances, my greatest weakness and my most often used tool.
You are correct again that I often avoid using the word 'said.' Somewhere along the line, an English teacher told me to avoid the word 'said' like the plague and I took the lesson to heart. There are chapters when I use said frequently and there are chapters such as this prologue that I come nowhere near them, but I understand the distraction.
I have difficulty balancing dialogue with narrative. Sometimes I think when I defer to descriptions, I'm simply hammering away at the reader that this is what it looks like and I try to use the more subtle force of dialogue. Yet, the dialogue doesn't always come out as natural and ends up being a bit heavy handed as you said. I don't know - I haven't found the perfect balance between the two yet.
But thank you very much for your review. It was incredibly insightful, not only from a character and plot perspective, but a different prospective on my stylistic choices. Report Review
Thats scary and im still a little confused, I mean, Why hasn't riddle tried to kill harry or his parents?Author's Response: What's to say there's a prophecy?
If a Seer tells a prophecy and no one is around to hear it, will anyone but the Department of Mysteries know? ;) Report Review
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