I think you've managed to capture the feeling of Azkaban very well - the coldness, the hopelessness. What must have been a difficult story has turned out very well indeed.The metaphor of the sea was great. Poor Hagrid! He had to live for months in that place!Author's Response: Hi!!! thank you so much :D
That was pretty much what I was going for, and the metaphor felt a little difficult to work with at times, so I'm glad you liked it! Yes, poor Hagrid- people need to appreciate him more.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Wow, very dark. I loved it, awesome descriptions!Author's Response: Hi! glad you found it dark :D thank you so much!! Report Review
I am litterally at a loss for words. I have never read a story about Hagrid that has been just about him before. It was simply a beautiful story with tons of description and wonderfully written transitions. Thank you so much for sharing your work of art! =)Author's Response: Hello! Wow, really? That's so awesome- I've never made someone at a loss for words before :D Hagrid is a special guy that's been through a lot more than people give him credit for, so I felt he deserved it. Thank you! The descriptions were giving me a fairly hard time, so I'm glad you like them! Thanks for reviewing ^_^ Report Review
I think you did a good job here combining description and plot. Often I feel like one of the two is lost, but you kept both up!
I think, however, the plot was stronger than the descriptions. The whole experience really felt horrific here. And the descriptions did help with that. I think maybe that some descriptions tended towards cloches. Like ' wrought iron' it works, but its not as vivid or as chilling as itcould be.
I think its fun to come up with new descriptions. Try to find a few adjectives with tension. Don't just use similies.
Overall, great job! I'm mostly nitpicking!Author's Response: Hi!! Thanks! You're right. I don't often write such intense stories, and I've been trying to find the balance between description and action/plot. Thanks for the advice! it really helps, and I will try to find more original/new descriptions :D Report Review
here with your review swap!
Wow. Just wow. This was incredible! It's not very often that I stumble across (even though, technically, you asked me to read it) such a descriptive and unique story.
You portrayed the emotion beautifully and wonderfully. I write angst all the time and so I am quite harsh on reading it but this was really good!
I couldn't pick up any grammatical errors or anything like that which also pleased me (I hate reading stories that have a really good/powerful storyline & is ruined by bad grammar!)
JazAuthor's Response: Hi!!! thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. It was hard for me to put the emotions into words and to be able to judge how effective they were, so thank you for the compliments - they're reassuring :)
Wow, this is phenomenal! The emotions in this story are incredibly powerful and the imagery equally so. I don't think that it's overdone - you kept it just within the optimal limits and in fact made it perfectly suit the atmosphere of Azkaban, where memories and emotions swirl about like the waves and wind outside. You portrayed Hagrid's confusion and grief extremely well - I've never seen him written in this way, which made this one-shot a refreshing change from the cliched visions of Hagrid one too often sees in fanfiction. Here, you've explored more of his past and his inner feelings, the things he has never told another living soul, but that the dementors attempt to snatch away from him. I've gotten so used to seeing Hagrid as a jolly, loving character that seeing him in this way makes the story all the more painful - it wouldn't be the same, even with Sirius, because he's already a tragic character, while Hagrid isn't meant to be. So the choice of character was perfect in accentuating the emotions and overall power of this one-shot.
The language was what really caught me, though, as it's so beautifully arranged - seeing your author's note at the end made me think back to how much obvious care and thought was put into each sentence so that it would have the right sort of sound and rhythm. I'm always appreciative of authors who go that extra mile and edit and re-edit, especially with a one-shot of this genre, because it tends to sharpen the emotional impact of the story. It's like the effect that the that "Every Word Counts" challenge can have, but without the word count limitations. Your words definitely evoked vivid images of the action and Hagrid's memories, making sure that most, if not all, of the senses were included.
Excellent work with this story, and thank you very much for entering the challenge! It's been a delight to come across stories of such a high quality as this. ^_^Author's Response: Hi!! sorry it's taken so long to respond.
Thanks! I had read over the story so many times that it started sounding stupid and trite. I wanted to show Hagrid as a fighter, except when it comes to his family - I always saw him as a softy :) Sirius already had such a dark past, that I didn't think he'd have anything to hold on to. With Hagrid, it felt like there was more to lose.
I've never written anything this intense before- I do have a bad habit of over editing though, I've lost the ability to write freely- and it's really annoying, but it helps for stories like this where everything feels more poetic. So, thanks! The language is something I stress on a lot.
Thanks for reviewing! and for issuing the challenge- this story was torturing me for a couple days until I had finally written it, and it's made me appreciate writing even more :D Report Review
I love how you described dreams dying in Azkaban. Very visual, and gives me that chilling atmosphere too. You've got a lot of lovely description; when I first read about Hagrid, I can feel sort of the... insanity of Azkaban. How it's "always winter" and every day is the same and the madness creeps into his mind. Bit of a nitpick I think mixing up your sentence structure more in some of the initial paragraphs will make it flow a little better and really bring out the power of the description.
Ohh, and then the walk of doom. I love Hagrid's thoughts, how he tells himself to keep strong. And the snippets of someone talking to him. They're really well chosen words - meant for comfort, but eerie.
I think you did the transition into the funeral scene and out of it really well. That can be tricky, but I think it suited the story :) Tied all the things about his dad together.
Lovely oneshot! ^__^Author's Response: Hi!
Thanks, that was exactly what I was trying to get across. It did feel kind of clunky to me- too much heavy description in the first couple paragraphs. I'll try changing sentence structure, thanks for pointing it out!
The inner voice talking to Hagrid- not sure where it came from, but glad you though it was eerie :) I've never been great at transitions, so I'm glad that worked out.
Thanks for reviewing! it was helpful ^_^ Report Review
This is beautifully written. I can absolutely feel the emotion in it!Author's Response: Thank you!! That's great to hear, sometimes I get too lost in the wording and the writing feels too mechanical.
Thanks for reviewing :D Report Review
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