Yay! A happy (ish) ending! I am really glad that Brynlee is in a good place now and that her friends are there for her through it all.
I think this was a great interpretation of the postcard you got, it wasn't at all what I had thought of when I read that postcard. But that is why I loved posting this challenge so much! Everyone was inspired in such different ways from their postcards.
I hope you enjoyed the challenge, I really enjoyed reading your entry!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: I swear I responded to this 0.0
Anyway, thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and I'm glad I managed to finish a story!:D Report Review
To be perfectly honest, that was one fast turn around. I know that she realizes it will take time for her to be completely better, but still.
Some of the characters seemed a bit choppy and formal in their speech. These are teenagers, they don't spell every little thing out. I think they, particularly Remus, should be a bit more to the point when speaking. Though the things he meant made a lot of sense. I really think you understand him well.
I found it a bit odd the McGonagall and Pomfrey would speak to Bryn about such serious and personal things in front of James, Sirius, and Remus. I would have thought they would have waited until she was feeling a bit better first, and definitely brought her into a private room. I am glad though that you had the school get involved. I think that is extremely realistic and important.
Just one Nitpicky thing, you used your oftentimes when you should have used you're. A good way to remember which to use is to speak the sentence out loud and replace your/you're with "you are". If it makes sense then you should use you're, if it doesn't make sense as "you are" then your is the way to go!
I think this story is progressing nicely in terms of plot, but the pace is very fast. It might just be because I want to read more and don't want it to end so quickly!
Thanks for making me realize I can enjoy a Marauders Era fic!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Okay to start this off, I want to get the Your/You're thing. I know! It bothers me! I'm always getting them mixed up! I'll edit that and get it fixed up...
Now onto the whole speedy thing... I know it seems a little fast that she realizes she wants the help, but she's been battling with it for a little while and all through the story, she's regretted what she's done, and now Remus telling her that he loves her, and telling her it was stupid, means a lot to her. When the one you love tells you they love you and they want you to stop hurting yourself, you find this urge to stop. Suddenly you have so much more will to stop.
Now why they mentioned this in front of the boys. I have a little reasoning behind all that. Peer Pressure. Only reversed slightly. Bryn is so close to those boys, and the teachers have witnessed it over the years, I've mentioned a few times that James and Sirius are like her brothers and that Remus is in love with her. McGonagall and Pomfrey, wanted the boys to be there because they have such a close relationship, and sometimes telling the one's closest helps.
And the pace is fast because it's a short story... Maybe I might start a novel with Bryn and maybe delve into her past and go through this period a little slower... Because I have grown rather attached to my Bryn. Report Review
And the plot thickens! Haha. Not that this was funny or anything. I'm just a bit loopy right now.
So, I liked this chapter. I enjoyed the ending bit here, how Remus and Sirius were brought into the story. And you confirmed why I think he broke up with her. It was approaching the full moon and he was hesitant about not being good enough for her. I'm not surprised, its the exact same thing he went through with Tonks later on in life.
I really feel for Brynlee. Her sadness really caught me in this chapter, more so than in the previous one. I just want Remus to hug her and ask her whats wrong and make it all better. I really just wish there was an easy fix for something this serious, but I realize that there isn't.
I am really excited to read the next chapter, I hope Lee is okay. And I'm so glad that you were able to get the fifth chapter into the queue already! I cannot wait to see how you wrap this up!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Thanks, and I completely understand the whole being excited over the thickened plot, even if it's not in the nicest way.
Yeah, you were right about the Remus thing. I had to show the moon and the wolf thing. It really shows why Remus was so concerned... I'd hinted at it last chapter, by the fact he looked tired but I wasn't sure how many people picked up on it..
Anyway, on to responding to your next review ;)
This is really hard to give constructive criticism on. It is a very mature and touchy subject and I don't want to step on anyone's toes. I feel as if you portrayed the emotions really well, but some parts seemed a bit off.
I know that there are awful parents out there in the world, but to write that in a letter that could be possibly intercepted seems a bit unlikely to me.
The fact that Brynlee (or Lee as I'd like to call her) cuts and purges is extremely serious. It's a lot for one person. I think that her physical reactions, though saddening, make sense, her thoughts seem a bit off to me.
I've never gone through anything like this, nor do I know of anyone close to me who has, so I am not one to judge the situation, but I do find some parts to not feel exactly right.
Besides the serious stuff, did Remus break up with her because of his "furry little problem"? That makes complete sense for him, especially if its approaching the full moon and he's regretting asking her out and possibly endangering her. Noble Remus. I hope Lily or James or Sirius can convince him to get back together with Lee.
I hope what I have said makes sense, and that you don't find it to be a flame. It was my honest opinion, and please feel free to ignore and or all parts of it. Good job though in tackling such an intense topic.
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: I get where your coming from there... I do.
Now how you said you don't know anyone like this, I do, Minus the eating disorder, that is a reflection on how i feel about myself sometime. The cutting as they're experiencing it, they are confusing and keep contradicting themselves, which I was trying to get across in her thoughts, she wants to feel better, but at the same time, this is how she feels better, If you get what I'm saying.
And thank you on the whole good job thing, i can honestly say that, writing the tough parts comes so easy because of some of the things my friend will say, and some of the feelings I may have had in the past. I feel that writing this story, actually makes me feel better about myself and I hope that other girls and boys out there, will find that this story shows them that they truly are amazing. Report Review
This is a really interesting start. I already see the postcard you were assigned in this. To be perfectly honest, I feel that this chapter alone fulfills the challenge requirements, but I'm still excited to read more!
Not much happened here, there is obviously a lot of background information that your reader will need to be caught up on soon, but it was still interesting. You left me with a lot of questions, in a good way. I want to know what her parents said and such. In other words I want to continue reading which is always an accomplishment with the first chapter.
I think that you are really good at getting your point/the story across in writing. Many people struggle with word choice and things like that, but everything was very clear. This makes it easier to read, but I think your writing is missing something. It is missing some sort of nuance to it. Something that makes it more than just the facts of a story. You could use a few more descriptions through out.
Overall I thought this was a really nice piece to read and I am so glad you entered my challenge! I hope you found it inspiring! The results will be posted in the Challenges Hall of Fame thread, and the winners with be PM'd on the forums! Good luck! You'll see more reviews from me soon on the next few chapters!
Quick question, how long is this piece going to be?
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: I am so glad you liked it! I think it is a great story myself and I love where it is going. I'm glad you like my writing, Thats a huge compliment for me :)
And I believe the story will be five chapters, only two more to get up! May The Odds Ever Be In My Favor ;) Report Review
Great chapter. A little on the short side but really good. Nice banner by the way.Author's Response: Thank You :)
yeah I know the chapter was a little short, It's a short story and this was only the prologue.
And Yeah, I made the banner so Thanks :D Report Review
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