Reading Reviews for Losing you Slowly.
  
16 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Mihali1432 Losing You Slowly.

13th May 2012:
Awww that was sad... It was a nice and well written story and I'm glad you submitted it for my challenge. The quotes made the story impact me more as I read it. :)

Good job!

Mike.

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Review #2, by TheHeirOfSlytherin Losing You Slowly.

14th April 2012:
Hey, SamMalfoy93 again. :)

It's nice to see Sirius portrayed as someone other than a player; someone in love. And it was so sad to see him marry the woman he was in love with, then she died. :(

Really great one-shot.

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Review #3, by AnnaKay Losing You Slowly.

5th March 2012:
Awww!

A Sirius isn't a play boy. I love how you played him. He is in love, and acts like it. I think this twist on his character is a nice take.

I think your story flow is very nice. It's not too quickly paced. It flows along the line. It would be nice to see some more descriptions about places, characters in general. I think that you did a good job.

This is a nice sweet story :)

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Review #4, by Brittanique Losing You Slowly.

3rd March 2012:
Hey, Brittanique here with your requested review! I just want you to know that I take notes while reading so I may jump around a bit.

My first thought was simply that Sirius seemed a bit out of character to me. Maybe because I don't see him as the lovey-dovey type in my head, but I found it a bit of a nice change from what I'm used to. Imagine my surprise when he kept thinking the same thing as I was which makes me feel a bit better about mentioning it.

My second thought was simple, again. The pace, for me, was too fast. This has the potential to become excellent, but I wished you had slowed down just a bit. Maybe give a little more background information. Some monologue would have been nice as well. Also, I would have loved some more description. There was not nearly enough for me, but I understand that is how some writers write and I can get used to that but, in all honesty, I don't enjoy reading it that way.

I prefer to be shown and not told. An example I can use from your story would be when Sirius comments on how she looked but never really "showed" I would have been happy with something as simple as "her sallow eyes and sunken cheeks showed me how she must have felt…" If you get what I'm saying? It's always better to show your readers instead of telling them something.

As I said above, I would have loved some more background information about Sirius and Aura, both together and separately. It was nice to learn just a bit more about her in the hospital room but I would definitely have loved for some more juicy tidbits.
I loved their little talk in the hospital wing though. It was cute and everything. I liked how she attempted to lighten the mood. Again I don't know their history together so the ending wasn't as heartfelt as it could have been but it was cute nonetheless.

All in all, I think this has great potential, but it just needs a little bit more work.

- Brittanique.

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Review #5, by Elenia Losing You Slowly.

29th February 2012:
Heey! You had requested a review from me! (: Sorry it took me so long to get to you, I have no idea where the days went! Okay, I do, I was writing d:

Okay firstly, a Walk to Remember is such an awesome movie, so I love, love, love all the quotes you've used here, I think they fit your story really well!

The beginning was a bit awkward, maybe work on that a bit by adding more description and some background story, I think that would help with the flow a lot!

Other than that, I think the story was really good. I liked the hospital wing part a lot, and especially the ending. It was so beautiful! So excellent job on that. You almost made me cry (:

Characters were a bit of OOC, but that's mostly because of the beginning, so if you work on that I think this story would be really great! It has so much potential!

Take care and happy writing (:

~E

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Review #6, by killinglonely Losing You Slowly.

25th February 2012:
Hi! I'm here with the review you requested.

First things off, I really enjoy their relationship. They are paired well together and they're realistic, it's not overdramatic and over the top. I respect writers who write great ships because it's hard to find that in this day and age, especially when all the magic is nearly gone out of fanfiction and it's all just mushy crap. I like how you're including action in this and it isn't all about love. That makes it more appealing to a wider range of people.

Moving on to the bad...

Story wise, nothing is too bad. I found the Marauders' interactions a little awkward. It all seemed a bit forced, and when Sirius was ranting about how he wanted a girl with brain cells, it just seemed a bit weird. Maybe it's because we've all expected Sirius to be some kind of player from fanfiction, but the whole conversation with all of them was just a bit awkward to be. I think you could work on it more flow wise.
And when you have someone talk like "Bla bla bla." Said James, the s isn't capitalized. That's something you did often.

All in all, it's not a bad start. You've got a great gift for writing the dynamics between Sirius and his girlfriend, you really just need to work on the first section a bit and maybe put them into character more. I'd say you're having a great start, so don't let what I said get you down! (: I'm a tough critic to win over. 7/10, one point off for the 'Said', one point off for the weird dialogue at the beginning, and one point off because the story isn't finished and I'm craving more! (: Good luck

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Review #7, by SeverusSnape15 Losing You Slowly.

24th February 2012:
Hello, Cierra here from the forums with your review.

This story is VERY meaningful. It made me want to cry at the end, because the quote is so pretty, so fitting to the story. I love the consept, but I think Sirius is a bit uncanon. That's okay, though, not everything has to be utterly canon.

I think the best thing I can say is that you need a beta for this story. You have many grammarical errors. It looks like you just typed it up and didn't go back through it. There's things such as two of the same words, one after the other, lack of commas, etc.

I also think you need more background. Sure, it was sad, but I don't know anything about Aura enough to feel TOO sad. It doesn't make me want to cry for days, but just a bit. I'd love to see more detail as well. Describe your surroundings, tell us what is around her. I'd love to see more on the wedding, as it seems they married. :)

Thank you for requesting :) Feel free to re-request anytime!

Cierra.

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Review #8, by ariellem Losing You Slowly.

22nd February 2012:
I like your story idea, it would have been nicer to get some more background of these characters though *hint for a novel* The lines in bold were a lovely addition and really added to the story.

Good job.

Author's Response: Haha, I'm not sure about a novel, but there might be a companion one-shot.
Thank you! :)


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Review #9, by ewsoucf7 Losing You Slowly.

21st February 2012:
That was incredibly sad. I really wished it was longer! I would love to read more of it!

I'm not usually a big fan of Sirius/OC fics as a lot of OC can be a little hollow...but I enjoyed this one. Though not much detail was given about Aura, I think you've struck the balance just right. I feel as though I want to know more about her, which is always a good thing.

Can't wait to see what you come up with next! =]

Author's Response: Thank you! I really appreciate this! I hoped this wasn't a bit too..run-of-the-mill. :3 Anyway, thanks again! You may actually get some more, I may have 1-2 more one-shots to go with this. :P

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Review #10, by Dracolovergirl5000 Losing You Slowly.

20th February 2012:
This was sad, but written very well. It was a new look at Sirius for me and I liked it. As to Flow and Punctuation, It was fine, I didn't see one thing out of place, and i loved the quotes you picked.

Author's Response: Haha, thanks! :) I apreciate this.

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Review #11, by BlameItOnTheNargles  Losing You Slowly.

19th February 2012:
That is so sad :( As if the last thing she said was "I do."
It was so emotional and I feel so sorry for Sirius :(
I love how you put in all the quotes between the one-shot. They fitted perfectly. (I love that film by the way) ;D
Great job :)

~BlameItOnTheNargles

Author's Response: Haha, I know. I did too, but I tried to have a happier ending that had closure for him. Thanks, I loved it too! It made me cry. :')

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Review #12, by EverDiggory Losing You Slowly.

18th February 2012:
Awh. I love Sirius! I love the name Aura,it's lovely! I love how Sirius wants someone real not "someone with a lump of plastic under her shirt and has more then 3 brain cells"!

Haha,that line is priceless! I love how you have a very subtle hint of humor to what you write,even when in a serious situation.

I smiled the whole time. The quotes are beautiful and fit so well. Be proud of this. 10/10

Thanks for the swap,darling!

xoxo

Ever

Author's Response: Haha, thanks! Yeah, he's sort of OOC but its the way I see him. ;) Thanks again, I'll get to yours ASAP, but I'm on my phone right now!

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Review #13, by atellam Losing You Slowly.

17th February 2012:
Oh, god. I've seen this movie. It turned me into a crying wreck, and reading this brought back all of those memories. I loved the quotes entwined with the one-shot, it was a beautiful touch, especially for me; someone that's seen the film. Nicholas Sparks will be the death of me, I swear.

Alright, now my rant is over, I can get down to some actual feedback.

First of all, your formatting needs work, and you need to remember when a new character is talking, they need a new line. The forums would be amazing help with this, and i'd check out (Writers Resources -> Grammar Guidelines -> then pretty much go nuts, as they all have to much to offer. I learnt loads form here, and do hope you give the articles a read.)

I felt Dumbledore was OOC, as at his old age (even in the Marauders Era) he would never run. You might want to change it to something like, 'walked briskly along the corridor towards me' or something like that. I also think that at the beginning, you jump straight in with a OOC side of Sirius, one that isn't really associated with him. Throughout the story, this becomes explained, but I really feel it should be established earlier in the plot as to why he's acting out of character (love does crazy things to people.)

There was a fair bit in the Hospital Wing scene where I had no idea who was actually talking, so i'd take a look at your dialogue tags. Another idea could be to get a 'Quick Beta'. (Story Help/Information -> Help Needed -> Beta Reading Offered/Wanted ->One Shots: Quick Beta's -> then scroll through and find someone in which your story fits their criteria.)

All of that aside, I did like this, and it was fluffy and cute. An interesting change from other Sirius/OC one-shots i've read recently. The idea of using the quotes was lovely, as I said before, and I hope you do well in the challenges this was entered in.

(I'm getting onto your other chapter soon btw. I'm still recovering from my cold and trying to catch up on my reviews, but it's next on my list. Sorry about the delay.)

- Adele :)

Author's Response: Haha, it was such a good movie though!

Yeah..I do have issues with that..>.< I didn't know that, thanks. I'll check it out.

I was debating whether or not to say he ran, but I thought any other way to put it either sounded like McGonagall or it sounded too casual.

Thanks again! :)

Aw, I do hope you feel better! It's okay, I'm having writers block on the next chapter anyway. :')


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Review #14, by Moonyxluna Losing You Slowly.

16th February 2012:
I really loved the a walk to remember quote, (although I've never seen the movie) I think it was a neat idea for the chapter summary, as well as placed through the story.

I did notice two things in the beginning, you have 'some one', and someone is one word. The same with girlfriend, I know that sometimes all it needs is a readover to catch those things that spellcheck wouldn't get. I'm a huge victim of that, so just letting you know (:

I really liked all of the emotion in this, it was a very powerful read. I think Sirius is a difficult character to write in first person, but you did good here. I think you got James, Remus, and Peter's characteristics very good too, even though they were briefly shown. Great one-shot! I enjoyed reading it a lot, and thanks for the swap!

Author's Response: Thank you! :_
Righty-o. Oops, as soon as my other chapter is validated I'll fix that, thank you.

Aw, thanks, that really means a lot to me.


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Review #15, by slytherinchica08 Losing You Slowly.

16th February 2012:
O how sad! I loved all the quotes from a walk to remember and it really makes me want to go and watch that movie like now! I thought the emotions were portrayed very well in this chapter and made it very enjoyable. I wish this was a longer story though so we could see how they got together and how she managed to capture his heart and such. I thought this was absolutely great and I really dont have much else to say but well done! Great Job!

~Slytherinchica08~

Author's Response: Haha, it was very sad I know. It was done for the tear-jerker and two of the death challenges though. :P

Thanks, and I know it needs to be longer, I may expand it into a full story. :)

Thanks again, that means a lot to me!


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Review #16, by Gwen~ Losing You Slowly.

13th February 2012:
I reviewed for you. Happy now, m'dear?

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