I love it! It's so well written...and I love how you've written the characters. I'll definately be reading more!
10/10 :DAuthor's Response: Aww thanks!!^^ I love my characters :') And I'm glad I'm not the only one!!^^
It might take a while before I update though :/ What with me doind NaNoWriMo and mostly updating my main fic (called "Screw it!" as I'm specifing as I,m shamelessly advertising my work xD) but I'll try my best to get it soon-ish :)
Thanks for taking the time to review! It means a lot to me :3
-June Report Review
Hey there! Here I am for a second review. (:
I swear you have a talent for characterisations and descriptions. I think you could be a really great author! A very fantastic one. (Not that you already are, but you know what I mean.)
I really like your idea here, write about Umbridge's daughter! I think you hit pretty spot on how Umbridge's daughter (at least one of the two) would be bitter. I didn't expect her to change after the war and she'll probably never change.
Bitter. I didn't really expect any child of Umbridge to be bitter, but now that I look at the idea more specifically I think there is a possibility for that to happen.
Again, a really great job with the story. You're a wonderful author.
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: wow you have no idea how much that last comment felt amazing...^^ I've been having a pretty bad week and this kinda just made my day!! :D
Yeah I'm not too sure where my idea to have Umbridge have a child came from but... anyhow, it is what it is :P
Thank you so much for reviewing and being so nice and encouraging!! :D
-June Report Review
It's Rosie with your requested review! :)
This was so beautfiully written! I sure would hate to be related to Dolores Umbridge. *shivers at thought* I think you presented your OC very well in just a one-shot. Most authors have to properly present their OCs in a novel, so you've got quite a talent with characterization!
I only noticed one puntuation mistake: "Your music was great, I thought you deserved something in exchange..." She explained. "She" shouldn't be capitalized. After dialogue, pro-nouns are not supposed to be capitalized, so keep that in mind. Don't worry, I used to have the same problem with dialogue, and it really is an easy fix. :)
All in all, a very well-written one-shot. I really enjoyed this. :D Keep on writing!!
~RosieAuthor's Response: Thanks!!^^ Haha! 'm starting to think I do have a way with characterization ^^ it"s been brought up to me a lot, in my different stories :)
Shoot! I'll go fix that!^^ I only did my elementary school in English (the rest of my schooling has been in french) so this is one little bit of grammar I really only learned recently, :S I thought I'd fixed it everywhere, apparently not!^^ Thanks for pointing it out! :)
Aww, thanks!! :D
-June Report Review
love it :)
keep it going!Author's Response: Thanks! You're super sweet^^ I'll update as soon as I can^^ Report Review
I like you could feel her bitterness. I think that it was funny that the reason she got fired was all because she punched James. I like that until she says anything you think she is not in Hogwarts. I like that the song moved that lady and you did a really good job of telling how her day to day of busking. I would have love to have seen her with her mum but hopefully thats in the next one, or maybe Hogwarts.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing^^ I'm glad you enjoyed!^^ But no, you won't actually see Dolores until a little while. She's always sort of in the backround until a very precise moment in the future of this story :)
-June Report Review
Here from the review swap! xD
Oh this was so sweet and at the same time sort of... what's the word? Ah! I'll just write this review and by the end hopefully I'll have the word :P
I really liked how you made Umbridge have children though *shudder* - it's a slightly scary thought! Umbridge reproducing - urgh!
I also really liked how you made her twin be an almost double for her mother by 'punishing' the misbehaving barbie dolls who didn't fit the status quo. I also really liked how it wasn't just her mother that she didn't like - but also her father. Meaning that she really was isolated!
The guitar playing turned the story more positive and I could just imagine it perfectly. The ending with the drawing was brilliant! It really made me smile :)
P.S. The word never came back -_-Author's Response: I know! The thought of Umbrigde reproducing terrified me as well. I almost didn't write it because I thought it was too twisted xD
Yes! Poor Deloria! :(
I'm glad you liked the ending and the fic!^^
thanks so much for reviewing!!^^
PS: That's okay! ;D Report Review
I'm loving the set up to this story, (I'm a bit of a sucker for angst ) i love Deloria already, and i can't wait to see where this goes!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!^^ I'm really glad you liked it, and like Deloria! :) Report Review
Hi, LunarLana - thanks ever so much for the swap, and here's your review:
I'll start of with the criticism first and get that out of the way, and then move onto the things I like. I'll just apologise first off if I come off as being terribly blunt, but I hope you understand the points I make and that they help you somewhat:
"Iím bitter, sarcastic and Iím honest. I say the truth like it is rather than wrap it up and make all things pink and cute. My motherís a b___ and Iím not afraid to say it." This is a very blunt line. Often when you need to pack a punch, this is required, but I think considering the seriousness of the words and the importance to the story that this provides (her feelings towards her mother and her whole personality in three words), that it should have been done differently. Revealing someone's personality - especially that of the narrator's - should normally be integrated into what they do, how they interact with others, what they say and how they say it, so that the reader can make a deduction themselves of what sort of character they're dealing with. If it was a vague minor character, then a few words or so about their personality is acceptable, but in my opinion this could have been done differently. As people say: SHOW the reader, don't TELL them.
There were a few gramatical mistakes dotted around the chapter, mostly near the beginning, for example: 'that where being' I think you meant to say 'that were being'? If you really like the story, then I'd suggest getting a beta. I definitely think this is one of the more original stories I've seen, so you should definitely continue it and let it be read at its full potential. ;)
Some of the sentences are a little odd. "Already scared off The Daily Prophet..." and "Canít believe she..." I assume this was intentional in order to enhance the casual voice of Deloria's narration, but I think the use of a pronoun would make these sentences flow a lot better.
"so yeah" and "so basically" "So I..." These are very slang-like words and phrases, and when writing narration I would avoid them at all costs. In dialogue they're perfectly acceptable, but it makes non-dialogue content a little stunted. They're used as "fillers" when people talk to provide time for people to think about what they're saying, but when you're writing you have the luxury of time. If we all wrote how we spoke it would be a spew of jargon text.
Final criticism: There was very little about what had happened in the restaurant - only a mere few lines that could have been written with more detail, I think. We've been told that her demise is at the result of being fired because of James and ultimately Rose Weasley, but you seemed to gloss over that very quickly. I assume you'll touch on James' character more in the future chapters. ;)
PRAISE (Hallelujah! Sorry for the criticism, June!):
"Sheís pink dresses and combed up hair, sweet smiles and giggles." This was lovely, and this is what I was talking about earlier. You describe what she looks like and what she does, and from this we can make a deduction about her being sickly-sweet and that there's something not quite 'right' with her because of the way you've described her. Very well done, here!
I adore the information about Mr. Timpson - that was a very touching point in the story and really added depth and a great deal of useful background information - you touched on the process of her helping Timpson earn money by frequently buying a portrait, and that gives us an insight of her character, too. Despite this, does it really fit in with what you told us before? Would Deloria really ask if the crying woman's okay and offer such acts of kindness to Timpson if she's supposedly so bitter?
The dialogue was good - it was very minimal for a first chapter which I liked a lot. A lot of people overload their beginning with dialogue and I'm never quite sure what's happening, or who all of these people talking are, so this was done very well, too.
The beginning of this story flowed well for the most part, and I liked the background information about her sister and Mr Timpson, though it was definitely lacking in physical descriptions of Deloria and any scenes. I liked the incorporation of the song (listening to it as I'm writing this and it is very good!) but sometimes a simple 'I sang' will suffice - don't try and push yourself to make the lyrics sound descriptive because they usually speak for themselves.
Well done on a good start to this novel, and I hope you plan to continue with it!
7/10. Bethan. xxxAuthor's Response: Wow O.O Definately the longest review I've ever gotten!^^ I'll get right on to my reactions about... everything you said xD
Deloria: I know I said she was sarcastic and bitter. And she kinda is... on the surface. Which is why I didn't care writing about it because this is how she percieves herself, and how many people see her... not really how she truely is. I won't really say more but let's just say people that are hurting reach her. ;)
Grammar & slang: I'll try and fix it on my own. I don't really work well with beta's... even if they're amazing...
Restaurant: Hehe, my fault. I wanted to get to the "parc scene" quickly because I love it^^' I'll try and add more description... and yep. James will become important... later. For now he's just the guy who made her lose her job :P
Mr Timpson: He's my favorite character, so I'm really glad you like him too^^ and as I said earlier, people who are hurting reach her. You learn more about it in chapter two, just saying if you want to keep on reading this xD
Dialogue: Yep. I didn't want it to be too present in this chapter, glad you enjoyed that :)
Description: I know. I compensate by having the next chapter be in Mr.Timpson's POV. Who is very... descriptive in his mind. He sort of details everything without even realising it. So if you read the next chapter you'll know what the scene looked like because it goes on as a parallel to this chapter :)
Thanks for such an AMAZING review!! :D
Hello there. I saw your request on the forums and thought I'd check you out and give you a read.
I'll have to say that I don't normally read next-gen, but this is really a great start to a story.
I really liked her guitar playing and the portrait artist. I really love his character so far... no speech, facial expressions talk for him, his talent, and they way they exchange money, and even his little backstory about losing his family. You have created depth with him already and I hope you continue to include him and that he plays a roll.
I'm wondering who the woman is who is crying with the blond child, but perhaps this is the only time that we see her?
Also... You do not need to spell out "Flashback." Instead, use words such... I remember when... or It was just last year... or something like that. Readers can pick up on a past memory without actually saying it.
And... to draw more readers to your story, perhaps you can work on your Summary a bit. I had no idea who was speaking and guessed it to be one of the well known next-gen. Maybe you could put in there that she is an Umbridge? That is a really interesting twist that just might get some more readers your way. It is an 'advertisement' so make it good. What draws you to stories? Whatever that is, try it in yours.
These are just suggestions of course. It is your story, so you should do what you like.
I found it interesting that Umbridge has kids going to Hogwarts during his time. You have potential for some issues... :)
Anyway... I really loved your depiction of the artist and their relationship. It was really good.
Best wishes on your story with a really good start.
Dark WhisperAuthor's Response: Wow!! That's... an amazing review!! Thank you so much!!! :D Don't worry, Mr.Timpson has an important role to play, he's not just a passing by character :) Neither is the woman, but she's not anyone we know... or maybe she could be? Humm... I'll have to think that one over :P
Yeah I'll edit the "flashback" thing, I only have three reviews and two of them have the same comment, :)
As for the summary.. they're always hard on me ^^' I'll try and think of a way to include that it's Umbridge's daugther while keeping it mysterious... :)
And yeah, I still don't know where that idea came from... but I like it! xD And apparently other people like it as well, so maybe I SHOULD include it in the summary... hummm...
I'm glad you liked him, I know I do! :D
Thanks again for the WONDERFUl review!! :3
-June Report Review
It's a really interesting start to this. I'm loving Deloria already; she has such a different personality to other OCs I've read about. I'd be like that too if Umbridge was my mother.
The only thing I wanna point out is the 'flashback'. It annoys some people, it might not be necessary. :)
Sam.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing!! :D As for the flashback well... I guess I could have her just tell the story instead of putting it in "flashback" format, but it kinda is necessary, for the next chapter :)
I'm so glad you like Deloria!! I love her as well! :3
Thanks again fro your review!! :D
-June Report Review
This was so beautifully written, you should be proud of this! The daughter of Umbridge... Thats like... awesome. You get kudos for originallity, I've never read that, much less even thought of it before.
I'd have to say my favorite part was Luna :) It was just a little blurb of her, but I think you got her character so perfectly, without going overboard. I'll deffinetly be looking for more of this, brilliant job!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!!! :D I was getting pretty desperate, since I'd worked really hard on it!!
And... yeah me neither actually... it sorta just popped out like that xD I have no idea where the idea of Umbridge having children came from... and quite frankly I don't care xD I just like it :P
Aw thank!! Luna's my favorite character, so I'm glad you think I got her right!! :)
YAAYY!! :D Thanks again for reviewing!! :)
-June Report Review
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