Hello there I'm here with your fourth out of eight reviews :D
Wub Alexa was adorable. I just want hug her cuteness. I think it was really great that you made her like that, as it contrasted so much with the griminess and not so nice parts of Sirius. I think the cutest thing was when she was spelling out the words as she couldn't say them, aw it was adorable.
She really showed how innocent children are, as despited knowing about stranger danger she still wanted to help Sirius and do the right thing for him, and it was lovely.
One slight geographical thing. I thought Azkaban was in the North Sea, so it seemed a little odd to me that he had been to Exeter, because isn't that in Cornwall?
It almost seemed as if she was using Sirius to replace her dad who wasn't there. I thought it was really touching, and it warmed my heart to see that someone as damaged as him, could still make a difference to people's lives, and that must have done him some good too.
Aw the ending was lovely! I almost thought that Alexa's dad wasn't coming back from the way she was running out to Sirius with such urgency, and I was getting all sad for her as her dad wasn't coming back, and Sirius left. Then to find out her dad was coming back after all made it so much better.
I thought it was fitting that he didn't say goodbye to her, and she just saw him on the news as it seemed to have more of an effect, and she would always be left with the fact he helped her:D
This was such a lovely one-shot!
-KianaAuthor's Response: I did type a response to this but it seems to have vanished :/
I'm glad you liked Alexa- I really love (attempting) to write from the POV of children, but I found it challenging sometimes too, so it's good to know that you liked her! The sounding out words came about when I was trying to make that kind of vocabulary sound realistic in the mouth of a six-year-old :P
In the books, we so often see Sirius being feared or despised, so I wanted to explore what would happen if he met a character without any of those prejudices... And hopefully they do each other some good too!
Oops yeah- geography was never my strong point! :/ Sort of forgot where Azkaban was- I'll go and edit it!
So pleased that you liked the ending- I nearly did try and write and farewell scene between, but I'm glad to know that it works well without one! I think if there'd been one it would all have all been a bit too neatly tied up...
Thanks again for such a lovely review! I really did enjoy reading it! :)
-Bethany Report Review
Alexa is precious and this whole story is adorable.Author's Response: Why thankyou :) Report Review
Hey! Elenia here with your review! Sorry that it took me so long to do this but I was too busy writing my own story (x
First of all, let me congratulate you on a very original story! At least I've never read this kind of a story before! Excellent idea! I really liked this. It was beautifully written and I loved the atmosphere in the whole chapter! You described everything really well.
Alexa is so cute! She's really thoughtful for a girl so young. Few times I stopped to think were the things she was going through in her head really something a six year old would ponder, but it really wasn't that big of a problem. She was going through a though time after all because her dad left. That would make even a little girl think about difficult things.
I think you did a great job on Sirius. I liked it the little mentions like he ate like a dog etc. Oh, and how he was barely able to hold himself together, but managed to do it quite well. I guess he didn't want to scare the little girl who was so kind to him even though she had no reason to be.
The ending was just perfect and really moving. It was my favourite part of the whole story. Such an amazing way to conclude it all. It made me so sad that he left without saying goodbye, but at the same time so happy that she got her daddy back. And the childlike thought of him being a wizard who granted her wish after she helped him, it was perfection really.
About flow, I think you managed on it really well. Only few little spots that I would maybe change a bit:
+ 'I nearly screamed right out loud when I saw him because he was sitting (crouching) so still I hardly noticed him before he turned his head and looked right at me and it made me jump like Marcus makes me when he creeps up behind me and thinks he's being funny.'
- That's a REALLY long sentence! I suggest cutting it in half and maybe play with the structure a bit. It would help it flow much better. Like: 'I nearly screamed out loud when I first saw him. He was barely visible, crouching in the corner, but the movement of his head when I entered caught my attention. The man looked right at me and it made me jump; just like Marcus does when he creeps up behind me and thinks he's being funny.'
Just a suggestion, I bet you can think of a better way (:
+'Then Mummy came into the garden and started shouting "Alexa! Alexa!" and I guessed...'
- I think this sentence interrupted the flow a bit. It might be just me, but I think the word 'then' in the beginning does that. I always try to avoid using it because of that. Maybe circle around it by saying: 'The garden was suddenly filled with Mummy's voice. "Alexa! Alexa!" she called and I guessed...'
Something like that?
Anyways, amazing story. I'm really glad that you requested and I got to read this! So thank you for that and I hope I was helpful even a little bit (:Author's Response: Thankyou so much for such a detailed review!! I'm so glad you enjoyed reading :) Thanks for pointing out some of the flow issues- I will definitely have a look at those sentences you mentioned...
This has been really helpful and encouraging- thankyou again for taking the time to have a look :) Report Review
This is a really cute story. I loved it. You have a great imagination to think of such a storyAuthor's Response: Aww thankyou- I'm glad you enjoyed it :) Report Review
This is gorgeous. And so clever! I love the idea, and it's very well written too. I love Alexa, and how kids are so accepting of everybody. I just wish she could've got her goodbye with Sirius :')Author's Response: Thankyou so much!! I'm really glad you enjoyed it :) Report Review
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