Hi there! Before I start, I want to apologize that it has taken me this long to review; I think life just took over and unfortunately Iíll have to close my review thread for a while because of that. ):
First of all, I'll start off with my overall impression of the chapter. I really liked this one-shot (You can never have too much ScoRose ♥), and I think you did a great job of potraying the conflict between their relationship (e.g. different friends, values, career paths, etc.) I also thought that your story stood out a bit from the rest, because first of all, it didn't have the love-hate relationship that looms in most ScoRoses, and second of all, it didn't have a happy ending. It was pretty sad and sweet at the same time; I really enjoyed reading Scorpius's thoughts.
Since you asked for grammar orginally, here are a few mistakes I spotted:
+ Seventeen years old Scorpius Malfoy... (this should actually be seventeen-year-old Scorpius Malfoy)
+ some with reddish hairs (the extra 's' isn't necessary; you just need to say 'reddish hair')
+ the very old nosy caretaker of the school named Mr. Filch (this phrase kind of runs together; I think it'd be better if you rewrote it, something along the lines of 'the very old, nosy school caretaker, Mr. Filch')
Something that goes hand in hand with grammar is flow. I noticed the flow in this was a bit choppy, especially in the beginning. I can never stress this enough, but in stories, especially one-shots, since you only have that one chance to impress a reader, the first few sentences are extremely important. I liked the concept of your first paragraph, since it sets the scene for the rest of the story with fantastic descriptions, but I feel like the wording could have been better. The sentences all seemed short and choppy to the point that it became slightly monotonous. I think you should combine some phrases and vary the sentence structure a bit to make it seem more interesting to read. This goes for the rest of the passage, as well.
I think your descriptions in this were really great; I really liked reading each little tidbit about their relationship as it developed over the years. It seems like you spent a lot of meticulous detail on it, which is always a nice detail to look for in stories because it means the author realy cares about their writing. :) One thing that threw me off was the fact that sometimes you just vaguely referred to things (e.g. 'the one class they had together' or 'the deputy headmaster'). Maybe you could invent some names (e.g. they only had potions togather, or Deputy Headmaster Wickets -totally random name, I know xD- or something.) That would take your desciptions to a whole new level.
Overall, I thought this was a fantastic read. Thank you for requesting! Unfortunately, Iím closing down the review thread until probably after school ends in a two months, but it was nice to read your story. ♥
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hey! No problem. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Thank you. Sco-Rose is very popular indeed, and I too, like you, can never have too much :D I'm glad that you like this particular piece and thought that it's stood out a bit :D I enjoy Sco-Rose when they're written with love-hate relationship. I guess, it's because many writer see them a little bit like Draco-Hermione. But in my mind, I see their relationship differently :D
And yes, I like the ending.. (well, the credit goes to the song though :D I'm just writing it in the form of a story). I don't know why, but I just like the idea of unrequited love. I think it's very romantic in a sad kind of way. (That's why I actually like Snilly so much).
Anyway, back to the topic.
Thanks for pointing the mistakes. I'll be sure to correct them when I have the time. Also with the choppiness of the sentence (I'll try to do something about it). This is my first fic after so long, and I was so used to a more formal academic report writing style.
:p You got me there *blush*... I was too lazy to think of a name. Sorry about that. Yes.. I'll think of something. :D I'm glad you brought it up. I've been meaning to change it but always forget.
And thank you for your fantastic review. Good luck with your school, and I hope to see you again :D
Gray Report Review
Hufflepuff review tag (:
This was a really great read! Usually it's Rose who's pinning after Scorpius, so it was nice to read it from the other perspective. I really liked all of the detail and emotion you put into this, it was very lovely.
I really liked the part about them becoming potions partners, as well as the part about their hands brushing up against eachother after they got caught in the restricted section. Great work on this!!Author's Response: Hey :D Thanks for stopping by !
Thank you for the compliment. I'm really glad that you enjoyed the story. I also like those part you mentioned :D
This is still far from perfect but I'll keep improving myself.
Thanks again for stopping by.. see you in the common room... or in my next story (if I ever get it done =_=).. or in your story :D
:D :D :D Report Review
+ seemed to just didn't care
- This part doesn't make any sense...
+ met at the three broomstick.
- Should be: met at the Three Broomsticks. (plural and capitalised)
+ was surrounded by too many cheery and loud bunch of the Weasley-Potter kids.
- This doesn't actually make sense the way you've written it. It would be better as: Was surrounded by too many of the cheery and loud Weasley-Potter kids.
There are other things I could point out, but mainly it's 's'. There should be plurals but you don't put the 's' there and it makes no sense. I'd re-read over this and have a look for other errors, or you could get a beta.
I found the way you incorporated the song lyrics into this interesting, as it's rather different from a lot of the other Song fics/One-shots i've read and the fact that your translated the song is really unique :)
Scorpius is brilliant in this and I really like his characterisation. He wasn't sappy (which is seriously out of character for him, yet so many people seem to write him that way regardless -_-) but wasn't all, 'I am a man and have the same emotions as a brick' either, which was lovely.
Pacing and flow were fine in this, and while I wouldn't worry too much about it, if you are looking over this to correct the spelling bits I pointed out above, i'd take a look at your transition scenes. I feel they could be worked on a bit. But, as I said, they aren't anything to stress about. ^_^
Anyway, all in all, I really, really liked this and hope that what i've said is helpful,
- Adele :)Author's Response: Super! Thank you for pointing those mistakes. I know they are there .. somewhere.. somehow...
I'll work on it... and I think it's a good idea to get a beta.
I love the song and I had a really great fun translating it :D (and the idea of making it into a story just sort of flowed in).
I'm also glad you like Scorpius's character, and the story in general.
About the transition scene, in which way should I work it on? I know you said it's nothing to stress about, but still it would be really good to know :D
Yes, thank you. Your review is really helpful. Report Review
Hello there! Super sorry for taking quiet some time getting this review across...but better late than never right?
I love this story! Everything is just placed in the right place. Plus you described everything so well. Particularly, Scorpius' feelings towards Rose. I like the way that you didn't make him so uber-mushy, he's just a perfect Scorpius with his own flaws.
I think the story is very believable because it just is. And I'm really glad you just got straight to the point about Scorpius' feelings and not put us through all those chapter after chapter 'discover-his-feelings-for-Rose' kind of thing because quiet frankly as good and lovely they are, it gets boring. Very boring. So for me to read about Scorpius with sure feelings about Rose is just a big 'BAM!' thing for me. Okay...totally off the track. Moving on,
The plot of the story is interesting and unique. I have a feeling that this won't be as cliched as I might expect. Mhm. I sense great things from this story! (Yes, I am predicting things...I'm a secret Seer. Sshhh!)
All in all, I think this is a very interesting story! (How many times have I said that?!) And I would just love to see more of it. 10/10
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Hello there too :D Thank you so much for your review :D :D :D
I'm actually quite surprised (in a good way) that you think the plot is interesting and unique ( >< so happy right now). and I'm really happy to hear that you would love to see more of this. For the moment I plan this to just be a one shot song fic... but hey.. maybe... I'll make a continuation of this in the future... I'll be sure to let you know if I do :D
Once again thank you for the review :D :D I'm happy that you enjoyed it :D :D :D Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!
First of all I'd like mention that this is one of the sweetest stories I've read so far. =) The plot itself is very light and soft; I enjoyed it thoroughly. Even though you've chosen one of the most commonly used pairings I really liked the way you portrayed their relationship. It wasn't the usual; Malfoy/ Rose hating each other, getting into fights and then eventually ending up falling in love. I liked this different approach to their relationship. Good job! =)
My favorite parts: first, the library scene. It was cute and funny at the same time! And the second: 'Scorpius could feel their robes brushing each others. Then suddenly, their hands touched.'
Towards the areas of concern, shall we?
Characterization: Malfoy's characterization was much defined; I loved how you worked really hard to make sure that you did justice to all his feelings and emotions. Usually one expects to see the ultimate Slytherin and typical Malfoy qualities in him. But you sure did a good job in conveying the fact that sometimes it's more than just the inherited qualities. You chose to write the other side of Malfoy, which I might as well mention, I enjoyed reading a lot. =)
Rose: Her character was also quite interesting. I could see her more like Hermione's daughter rather than a Weasley. I personally liked her. I loved the way you described her from Malfoy's POV. No wonder he fell for her. =) She really does sound attractive and lovely! =P
Flow: The paragraphs were very well organized. The transitions between the memories/scenarios were very smooth. I was able to keep track of everything and did not lose my reading flow even once. Good job there!
That's it from me for now. You've got potential in you! Just need a bit of polishing and you'll do super great in future. =) I hope you like this review and feel free to come back any time! Until your next story, Good Luck and Happy Writing!Author's Response: My first review ever!! Thank you thank you thank you. I love your review... I'm currently grinning from ear to ear :D.
I'm glad you consider this as a different approach of their relationship. I was actually a bit worried since, as you said, they are one of the most common pairing.
and I'm so happy that you have a favorite part(s) :'D I like those scenes too
About the characterization, I'm glad that you think I do quite justice to both of them. I was worried because first, I didn't describe much (especially for Scorpius, since its his pov)... and second, I didn't put Slytherin/Malfoy characteristic into Scorpius. I actually prepared a part which showed a little bit of that (but decided not too, since I thought it would dragged the story)... and now I am glad to know that it doesn't matter much.
All in all, I'm really happy that you enjoyed this story. It was my first after soo long. One more thing is, your review really boost my mood. I will keep working on my writing.
Thank youuu Report Review
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