Hi, there! Thanks so much for doing your part to help Gryffindor take the cup! Here is your review.
The start of this story was brilliant! I really don't know what else to say about it. Moody's thoughts on his career at the Ministry and the real reasons that he was forced to retire took so many things that I've turned over in my head many times and brought them out with an amazing focus and eloquence. I found myself starting at the screen, nodding my head in agreement as I read. Well stated and the gruff, blunt style of presentation sounded just like Moody.
"They were all fools, all naive, blind idiots; lulled into a false sense of security by the heroics of a one-year-old." - I know this line was in your summary, as well, but I just had to highlight it again. Simply brilliant!
Moody's synopsis of his career and his many talents was also gripping. I loved his explanation of his reluctance to use Unforgivable Curses. It made for such a stark contrast with the terrible things that Barty Crouch, Jr. does later on, after he's impersonated Moody. I'm starting to feel like this whole review is just me, parroting your best lines back at you, but I loved this one too much to leave it out: "He could see the connection between mundane things; how they all added up to something sinister that no one suspected. He saw everything and missed nothing. It was his blessing and his curse. "
I really love the paragraph about the way Moody reads newspapers and magazines. I think it gave the reader just enough of an idea that, alright, while this guy is the consummate Auror's Auror, he's also a little nuts. That was missing from the story up to that point, and I think it really added something.
Moody's thoughts about Remus were pitch-perfect. If ever there was a man who had a healthy appreciation for the important of fearing the right things, it's Moody.
Darn it, I just can't stop quoting my favorite lines: "But he thought Lupin knew, Moody had given him a super-sensitive, highly advanced, limited-edition Sneakoscope for his birthday and if that didnít say: youíre my friend, I care, Moody didnít know what did." - I'm at a loss for words. This is amazing.
You keep topping yourself! I was not ready for the Merlin conspiracy theory. That slayed me!
A few thoughts on your writing, just so this doesn't seem like a complete love-fest:
-- You have a fair number of very long sentences, with lots of clauses separated by commas. In some of those places, inserting a full stop and breaking up the sentences a bit would make things read more smoothly.
-- passed vs. past. I saw several places where you use the former with the latter was correct.
I am so glad I got a chance to read this. I think (hope) that people will keep me jumping as they review the podcasts and claim their rewards, but I really want to come back to this when I can!Author's Response: Firstly, cheers for offering reviews to people who reviewed the podcasts, it was a great idea to give people that extra incentive.
I'm glad you liked this. It was originally written as a one-shot, but I thought it was far too long to be a one shot (nearly 8,000 words) so I had to split it into prologue and story, and I didn't know if people would go for it... so I am glad you liked it.
I had a lot of fun writing this if I am honest with you. Moody is my second favourite character and I just love his mind, he is a genius but he is also absolutely mental too, and that's why I love him. So I could do a bit mad with this fic, and come up with some pretty random and insane stuff, so I'm glad you liked certain lines, because I really liked them to, they just popped into my head and just seemed to fit.
I'm glad you liked the line about seeing everything being his blessing and his curse. I sort of stole that concept from Sherlock Holmes if I am honest with you. In fact I based a couple of Moody's paranoid, ingenius but insane traits on Holmes really. I just always saw a connection between the pair of them, so I went with that in this fic.
I'm glad you liked the stuff about Lupin. I did too. It was just nice to view Lupin through Moody's eyes so I had a lot of fun with that too, glad you liked the Sneakoscope present too, I liked that line as well, it's probably my favourite line in this story.
I'm also glad you liked the Merlin conspiracy, I thought that maybe it was a bit too much, you know, that I was treading into too insane or too mad territory, but people seem to like it, so I guess it's alright.
Cheers for the tips on the mechanics at the end. I'll definitely read over it and see if I can shorten some of the long sentences and I'll fix the passed/past thing as well - cheers for pointing that out because that's a mistake that Word can't pick up so it's hard to spot.
If you do indeed come back and read chapter two, I hope you liked it - it's all action, that's all there is, it's just a fight scene, so I hope you enjoy.
Thanks again for the review, and I now in turn will leave you a review on one of your stories, probably later this evening.
TLM Report Review
Hey! Pass the parcel~
This is fantastic! I know this isn't your most recent work, so maybe you would have preferred a review on your WIP instead, but I read the summary of this and couldn't resist! What an interesting idea for the plot - and one that makes me genuinely intrigued to find out more! I really loved this first chapter - the way you characterised Moody was absolutely brilliant and it all just felt absolutely real. There's a lot of heavy paragraphs here - but the way you wrote it made them compelling to read, I was really drawn in. You were kind of just telling us all about Moody, and lots of people do that in a boring way, but the way you told it was just so fascinating. And Moody is a really great character to explore - and I love what you've done with him.
Even in what is a more serious kind of fic, I still found bits amusing, such as Moody looking in magazines and newspapers for secret codes! He read them backwards, read them upside down and sometimes he only read every second word or the first word or letter of each line. Haha lol. And even more so with this! But he thought Lupin knew, Moody had given him a super-sensitive, highly advanced, limited-edition Sneakoscope for his birthday and if that didnít say: youíre my friend, I care, Moody didnít know what did. That definitely made me laugh a little. I really loved the interesting insight into Moody here - how he retired, (silly Scrimgeour!), the good stuff about Tonks and Lupin, and just how his life was at that time. Really, really well written and I'm definitely going to check out the next chapter of this when I have time! I really want to know what happens! Absolutely brilliant! :)
- CharlotteAuthor's Response: Hi there - no, you're grand, I am so happy you picked this story to review (just because no one really reads or reviews this story, I dunno if it's because Moody isn't a popular character to what, but there you are).
I am glad you liked this first chapter - it's more of a prologue really though. Originally this fic was just a one-shot, but it was nearly 8,000 words and I thought that was far too long for a one-shot so I split it into prologue and story.
I am glad you liked Moody's characterisation, he's my favourite character (after Lupin obviously, Lupin holds top spot because he's awesome!). I know there are a lot of heavy paragraphs and I'm sorry about that (but if you think they are bad now, you should have seen the first draft, the paragraphs were MONSTERS!) - it's not as bad in the next chapter. I just saw this as giving the reader an insight into Moody's mind and I tried to write it using his voice and the paragraphs just came out like that!
I am glad you liked the little bits of humour thrown in. I was going for that sort of mad genius idea, whose pure insanity is hilarious at times, so I am glad you liked that. Also glad you liked the comments on Lupin and Tonks too, I liked trying to view those two characters through Moody's eyes.
All I can say is thanks so much for such a lovely review. If you do indeed get around to chapter two, I hope you enjoy it!
TLM :-) Report Review
hello maraduer ^_^
i am so so sorry that i am reviewing this chapter after such a long period. its not like that i have not read this chapter, but i thought that i had left a review but today when i was checking any new story on ur page, i found that i havn't left the review for it. ( human error )
anyway i re-read this one agn, i am really surprised why less review for this fic. really both chapters are amazing, in the first chapter u have introduced moody really perfect and this one what to say fabulous.
i really enjoyed the house description. and all the security arrangement, only moody can do that.
in all arrangement that puzzle one was my fav.
all the fight sequences are perfect. really i was praying that he should win, but alas i knew that its not going to happen, first time he had to lost the battle.
i just don't know abt it, actually i am asking u only " is it possible to change in anigmi form without wand? " as peter did in this chapter.
p.s- i am ravenclaw in pottermore. ^_^
10/10Author's Response: Hi there!
Thanks so much for your review, I really appreciate it, especially since no one has really read/reviewed this story much! Don't worry about the human error - it happens to us all - you're grand, it's fine! :)
I am so glad you liked the house description and all the security - my favourite bit was the puzzle complex too, so I am really glad you liked that! I am also very happy you liked the fight sequence - I really love writing them!
I know what you mean about using a wand to change into an animagus form - I am not sure on this one, I am basing this on the fact that Sirius could turn into a dog in Azkaban and he clearly didn't have a wand with him in there, so I figured that having a wand is not necessary for changing into an animagus form! Is that reasonable enough, considering Sirius could change form in Azkaban without a wand?
Thanks again for this review - I really appreciate it! Also congrats on getting into Ravenclaw - I got Gryffindor and am slightly worried the hat made a mistake! :) Report Review
wow that was brilliant, with a brilliant last line "a death eater had gotten the best of him. oh, how he hated it". loved that. and i loved how you upped the tension and drama by giving mad-eye the upper hand for just a few moments before he finally gets caught, and i also liked all of the pictures of death eaters hanging on his walls laughed when he was tied up.
i also liked that line about one man's mess being another man's filing system, mostly because i can relate lol. :)Author's Response: Cheers for the review, I really appreciate that you took the time to read chapter two as I know you are so busy at the moment.
I am glad you liked it and that you liked the ending. I had to change the ending because other people had thought he had died at the end, and obviously he hasn't (or otherwise that would defy canon which I refuse to do), so I had to do a re-write, so I am happy you like the new ending. :)
I can relate as well to the mess being a filling system; there are books, notes, and loose sheets of paper flung in a mess all over my bedroom; but I know exactly where everything is and can retrieve them effortlessly, regardless of what anyone says!!!
Anyway, OK, I will admit I am going into withdrawl from the lack of the latest "Moonlight" chapter, but no pressure or anything at all, I know you're really busy. I'll continue to wait patiently!! :) I'm trying to do a new novella length fic myself at the minute, but I had to promise myself that I wouldn't submit chapter one until I had at least ten chapters finished, just because I want to avoid being under pressure to update and having no time whatsoever to write, so I completely understand where you're coming from, so no pressure at all on Moonlight, I'll wait patiently for it!
Thanks again for the review, much appreciated! Oh yeah, I have a new one-shot appearing soon, once it passes the queue (but you don't have to look at it at all, if you don't want to, that's cool, honest!).
Hope work and everything is treating you well ;) Report Review
Back for the second chapter!
I'd say this was the perfect continuation from the first chapter. We got a very good introduction to Moody's personality, and now we get to see him in action!
The action scene was very well done, it was very detailed and suspenseful, and I wa son the edge of my seat the whole time. Even though I knew how it had to end, I was so rooting for Moody!
This was a a very well done scene tthat finally solves the mystery of how Crouch defeated Moody in the first place.Author's Response: Thanks again for taking my request, I really appreciate it!
I am so glad you liked this chapter and that you found it suspenseful (because that was my aim). I was glad you were rooting for Moody (again that was another one of my aims), that and he's an awesome character, more poeple should root for him.
Overall, I am so glad you liked my take on this event. I was apprehensive about this story, as you know, but the fact that you like it really puts me at ease, so thanks for that!
Thanks again for taking my request and reading/reviewing, much appreciated :) Report Review
I'm here from the forums with your review!
So I know one of your concerns was the lack of reads, and i can tell you that that has nothing to do with the quality of your writing. I've observed that read counts seem to be primarily based on characters and ships in the story rather than the quality of the story (which is why every terrible dramione still gets loads of reads). So the lack of reads is simply because Moody isn't a very popular character, which is a shame because I think he's awesome.
Moving on to characterization, I think you nailed him perfectly. You really portrayed his caution, his paranoia, his determination, loyalty, and incorruptibility. It seemed just like the man e know from the books, but with a little more depth since hie's the MC now.
I think this chapter does work well as a prelude; it gives us a strong introduction to his character and why he is in his current situation. It was good to end with the part about accepting the hogwarts post, it gives us a hook to keep reading and places it within the context of the books.
Overall I think this is a great start and a great depiction of a very underrated character.Author's Response: Thanks so much for taking my request, I really appreciate it!
Thanks a million for all your feed-back. It has put me at ease a bit. It's just hard to judge your own story, especially if it isn't getting read/reviewed a lot at all. There is always that little voice in the back of your mind (or my mind anyway!) telling you it's rubbish. So it's hard to know if it's good or not. I was slightly apprehensive about this to be honest because I'd never done Moody before. That, and I had originally written this as a one-shot, but my friend said that it was a bit too long to be a one-shot, so that's why I divided into the prelude and then the actual ambush.
I was a bit worried that the prelude was rubbish because this story isn't getting read at all and the prelude has the bulk of the reads, not chapter two, so it looked like people were just reading the prelude and then giving up, which made me think that maybe there was something wrong with it, (which was disappointing for me because I really feel like chapter two is the more exciting and entertaining chapter). But all that aside, now you've put me at ease about this prelude - so thank you, it really is a relief to hear that you enjoyed this :)
I understand what you mean about the popular ships/characters getting all the reads. I HATE Dramione myself. I do think though that sometimes the underrated characters make the best fan-fiction. I read a one-shot about Beedle the Bard and I swear it's probably the best I've ever read, but so few people have read it because it's about Beedle and they are really missing out. Ah well, that's how things go really, it's just the way things are!
I agree with you too, I think Moody is awesome and I really had a lot of fun writing him, so I am glad you thought it was good!
Thanks so much for the review! I really appreciate it, hope you like chapter two now! Thanks again :) Report Review
Another great chapter. Really, you have Moody down perfectly! I liked all the details about him, things that Rowling never revealed. All of her characters were essentially plot devices for Harry, so it was interesting to see Moody in his element. It was so funny of him to have a house like that, and so true, too. All the precautions were totally like him, and I like how by reading this I get the sense that he's just this grumpy old man in retirement, something that he would hate being called. Again, my only real criticism is your paragraphs but that's an easy fix. Your ending was BRILLIANT, I liked how you didn't draw it out. You really have a gift with language and description and all of it is so realistic. Excellent job. Come by my thread, I'd love to review something by you again! 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! I am so glad you think that I've done Moody well. I just wrote him the way I pictured him to be. I was kinda going for a Sherlock Holmes type figure, because the idea for this fic came to me after I watched that new BBC series "Sherlock" over Christmas.
Yeah, I've divided that long paragraphs here too, sorry about that. Cheers for pointing it out. I've also changed the last line a bit too; just so it's clear to the reader that Moody isn't dead, that he is defeated, not dead. Aside from that little ambiguity, I'm glad you liked the ending, I do too!
I am really glad that you want me to come by your thread again! That was a very nice compliment to get! I've nine stories up at the minute, mostly Remus Lupin related (he is my favourite character you see), one about Ron, and another about the Founders and another about Harry and Teddy. I kinda like writing stuff that's a bit outside the box. I've two stories written from the point of view of very small children - 3 year old Ron "Why I'm Afraid of Spiders", and 5 year old Lupin "The Quiet Before All Bad Things". Em... I'm not going to request for one of those - you see, I only request when I feel there is a problem with something I've written and I just can't figure out what, either that or it's not getting read/reviewed a lot and I just want some feedback. I'd feel a bit mean/selfish requesting a review for any of the nine stories I have up now because they have a good number of reviews already and I'd kinda feel as if I was sort of hogging review spots on the forums, if you get me. Feel free to take a look at them if you like, I'd really love to know what you think, but I wouldn't feel right requesting a review for them, just because I would feel a bit mean/selfish hogging spots when my stories have a good number of reviews already... But, all that aside, I'll be putting up some new stuff fairly soon (working on a new one-shot and a new novella too) and when I have them up I'll give you a shout on your thread and if you would be so kind as to review I'd love it - I'd feel no guilt at all requesting a review for a new story you see, if that makes any sense at all!! :)
Thank you again for taking the time to read and review my story (massive paragraphs and all!). I am so glad you liked it, and I'm swinging from the lights here because you gave it a 10/10 - thanks for making me smile! :) Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your review.
First off, I really like this. You have Moody's personality down pact, and I admire you for writing a fic about him. I have a Peter Pettigrew fic and I know that the minor characters aren't as 'important' to some people as the others. You totally proved that wrong here. Everything was right, the flow, the personality, you really have great sentence structure and you use English very well here. I have a MAJOR criticism to add though. Your paragraphs are huge. So huge that they make my eyes hurt and I wanted to just skip them. Save your readers some pain and break your paragraphs down. For example, in the paragraph where you discuss Tonks and Shacklebolt visiting, you can start a new paragraph 'And last was the werewolf' right before that sentence.
You might also want to consider adding AU to your list of genres, considering that he died. And someone living when they're supposed to be dead is a pretty big AU thing.
Overall, great fic! I'm just deducting one point for the huge paragraphs, but besides that, you have a great eye for character personality and I look forward to reading more.Author's Response: Hi yourself! :) Thanks so much for taking my request, I really appreciate it!
Thanks so much for the tip about the long paragraphs. You'll laugh at this, one of my teachers criticised my essays because my paragraphs were too short, he said I should bungle several ones together; so I guess I went from one extreme to the other. Sorry about the long paragraphs. I've fixed them, and I've divided the really huge ones into tw0 or three paragraphs and I've tried to divide the medium sized paragraphs as best I can too. So cheers for the tip, I've fixed things and the edits should clear the queue pretty soon; cheers!
I'm not sure what you mean about the AU thing... I never intended this to be AU. I've followed Canon on this one. I mean, it's set during "Goblet of Fire", and Crouch and Wormtail don't kill Moody in the end, they just stun him and then lock him in his trunk - there is a flash of red light (not green) that's a stunning spell, isn't it? Maybe I didn't make that clear enough, maybe I should change the last line, to make it more clear; showing he is not dead, merely stunned. When I said brought to his knees, I only ment defeated, not killed. He was defeated - for the first time in his life, a Death Eater defeated him in battle; that's what I intended, I never meant for the reader to think he died. I'll definitely go and fix that.
Anyway, all that aside, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I was really apprehensive about this fic, because I've never done Moody before. I was slightly afraid that I had done something wrong and that's why people were not reading it, but maybe that was just because of the big paragraphs. Anyway, thanks so much for your review, I really appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story! Cheers ;) Report Review
an excellent beginning! i really liked the phrase about being able to see through a ruse like glass, and overall i also liked how you made mad-eye's reasons for being so vigilant not paranoid at all but perfectly logical, regardless of whether or not it's really only perfectly logical in his mind, because that's the point, it's from his point of view. so job well done, and i also liked how you expanded on the sort of relationship you fostered between him and lupin, and not only that, but conveniently it segued into the subject of his taking the DADA job.
i'm sorry i haven't update moonlight yet, i'm hoping to do that this week, and to make up for it, i'm hoping to get up a lot. things have been rather up and down, but hopefully this week i can get back on track. :)Author's Response: Cheers for reading and reviewing, you're so good like that, you don't have to but you do! Thanks so much, really appreciate it!
I'm not terribly gone on this chapter to be honest, it's just a prelude, I would have put it up altogether as a one-shot, but if I did that I sorta felt that it would be a bit too long to be read as a single chapter all in one go, and that its sheer length might put readers off. So I decided to split it. I suppose I could have edited/deleted some of the material, but then I was afraid that Moody would have no rapport or relationship with the reader and as a result, what happens in the next chapter (his great fall, his defeat, his kidnapping) won't mean anything, you know? This chapter is more just setting the scene, the next one is where all the action is really!
I am glad you liked the friendship between Moody and Lupin - it was the only way I could make everything in the monologue connect. It was good as a sort of transition from Moody telling everyone about his life at the moment, to what will happen in the future (ie him taking the DADA job)!
Anyway, chapter two has been submitted, and that's where all the fun/action is (or so I hope!!!), so fingers crossed it will be validated in a few days!
Don't worry about Moonlight. I don't really intend my constant comment at the end of reviews: "please updated soon!" to mean drop everything and write the next chapter ASAP, it is more used to convey how excited/interested your story makes me and I am just eager to read more because I like it so much! Plus, I understand completely what it is like having no time to write! I'm in the same boat myself. I'm slowly finding time here and there to write an new fic - a novella - but I'm not going to post it until I've several chapters done, because the pressure to update constantly would just get to me, and would probably distract me from college work I should be doing... like the work right now I should be doing *guilt assaults conscience*. So anyway, no pressure or anything - I am just looking forward to your next few chapters and I will wait patiently for them, it's no problem. In the meantime, hope work is treating you well! :)
Thanks again for the review, you're so good! I really appreciate it so much! Thank you again. Go raibh mile maith agat.
TLM ;) Report Review
hello last marauder
sorry for such a late review. actually i was really busy as my college has just opened after a short vacation.
i really like the way u have portrayed moody in this chapter.after reading it i really felt sorry for him. the job which he love most and for which he has sacrificed so many thing, in the end lost it due to dirty politics.
one thing just occurred to me is that he most of the time liked to call tonks by nymphedora, so here also while he was thinking abt her it would be more appropiate if he will call her " young nyphedora". its just my view ^_^.
i really like the relationship between lupin and moody.
at one place u have written abt albus that he refused power for the sake of power. i personally think that he never wanted power. that line is little confusing. u can use other word like " for the sake of greater good" or something else.
ohhh moody thinks that merlin is still alive ( ^_^) . and he has proof also owo, why not he is telling his theory to albus.i am sure luna will believe her.
i am looking forward for next chapter. hope it will up soon
9/10Author's Response: Hi there!
Thank you so much for being my first reviewer! I hope college is going well for you! :)
I am glad that you felt sorry for Moody, because that was what I wanted the people who read this chapter to feel. This chapter is just a prelude, I wrote it so that Moody would have some rapport, or connection with the reader, which will make what happens in the next chapter (the kidnapping) more moving and shocking and sad (or so I hope!). This chapter is just an introduction really. All the action and drama will be in the next chapter!
With regard to Moody calling Tonks "Tonks" or "Nymphadora". Well, in the books, Moody refers to everyone by their surnames: "Dumbledore", "Longbottom", "Potter", "Lupin" etc. He doesn't actually call Tonks anything in the books (just because he has so few lines). However, judging by the fact that he calls everyone else by their surname, I am guessing he would refer to Tonks as such as well. Plus, pretty much everyone calls Tonks "Tonks" anyway. I know in the films he calls Tonks "Nymphadora", but I don't really follow what they do in the films, the books are the source material I use and that is why I had Moody call Tonks "Tonks" instead of "Nymphadora".
I am so glad that you liked the friendship between Moody and Lupin, I really liked that too myself.
With regards to the issue of Dumbledore and power... I kinda want to contest you there a little bit. Dumbledore DID want power. When he was 18, he wanted the Elder Wand and he and Grindlewald wanted to rule the world with it essentially. Dumbledore himself said that he had proved at the age of 18 that he could not be trusted with power. But power still tempted him, that was why he took James Potter's invisibility cloak and why he put on Marvolo Gaunt's ring as well. He was tempted by power, he wanted power. That was why Dumbledore never took the Minister of Magic job, because he did not trust himself with power. He refused to have power for the sake of having power. Power was his temptation, his weakness. He was happy being Headmaster of Hogwarts, and the only reason to leave that position would be if he was offered a better position (ie a more powerful one - Minister of Magic). But Dumbledore didn't trust himself with power, so he just stayed where he was as Headmaster. He was happy there, there was no point leaving a job he loved to another for the sake of having power... or at least that was what I was trying to get at here.
The next chapter will be submitted on Monday, and depending on how long the queue is, it should be up by the end of the week (hopefully), so keep an eye out, it will be up within the week ;)
Thanks again for reviewing and for being my first reviewer. The next chapter is far more exciting and dramatic than this one! This one is only an introduction, a prelude, a chapter to set the scene! Thanks so much for your review, I really appreciate it! I hope you like the next chapter now!
TLM :) Report Review
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