So this story is good. Really great introduction, I love the beanbag bit. It's a bit off cannon, with James being in the year above, but it's not much of a difference, so I'm fine with it :)
One thing I'd suggest is starting a new paragraph whenever a new character speaks. For example:
Lily said, "Blah blah blah." And walked away.
"Blah blah blah," Peter said, following her.
It really makes a story more readable :)
Thanks for the feedback! :)
I've stopped working on this though, but if you want to read my new fanfiction, "This May Be Fatal", I would greatly appreciate it!
Thanks a lot,
PsySp Report Review
I thought you had an interesting start to your story--certainly unique. At first I thought a bean bag was a weird decision, but this is a Marauders-era fic so it's actually really appropriate for a story taking place in the 1970s!
One thing that stuck out to me was your comment about a "usual bad grade" for Lily, which is a bit odd considering that she made excellent marks during her time at Hogwarts. :)
The addition of a choir class was a nice touch. I always thought it was strange that Hogwarts didn't offer any kind of creative outlet for its students. I also liked the bit about Lily forseeing leather jackets and owls being fashionable, and liking Amos before he was popular. I also like her subconscious desire to be what others don't want her to--perhaps this is why she will eventually drift toward James?
The only thing about her personality that really bugged me was her being so down on herself. In the books she's always portrayed as this really magnetic, sweet person--the kind of person who would stand up for Severus against James, for example--but here she's hard on herself as well as others.
However, I think all of your supporting characters have really good characterization. I like Charmaine being nicknamed "the Doctor" and Alice being a hoarder of gossip despite her tiny self. I think you're off to a strong start, especially after polishing Lily's character a bit more. Nice job! :)Author's Response: Wow, this has a lot of wonderful feedback! I don't even really know what to say... :)
I know what you mean about Lily's personality - I guess that's the reason why I stopped writing this fanfic.
Aaah, I'm so sorry for making you put so much effort in for an abandoned fic, but it's still much appreciated! I'll keep it in mind for my future Marauder fanfics. :) Report Review
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