Very touching and one more reason for snape to turn away from the dark side. Excellent Report Review
Hi there! Before I start, I want to apologize that it has taken me this long to review; I think life just took over and unfortunately I'll have to close my review thread for a while because of that. ):
My first impression when reading your request was a peaked interest since I'm an absolute sucker for Snape. :') I really loved your portrayal of him because I could just hear his biting sarcasm and his overall disdain of others dripping through the screen. Great job on characterization, it didn't seem OOC at all.
I think the story was believable in the aspect that Snape, as mentioned above, wasn't out of character, and retained his I'm-than-you-so-disappear-because-you're-annoying-me kind of attitude while still having a loving, affectionate father.
The flow was a bit choppy at times; I think this is because of the awkward sentence structure. For example, the second sentence in your first paragraph would sound better if it was condensed and its ideas expressed more clearly and concisely.
You didn't specifically request grammar/errors, but since this goes along with flow and I'm so much of a grammar Nazi I thought I'd point out a few mistakes I saw anyway:
+ ...he would soon be demolishing with his red inked quill under his arm/Nineteen year old Severus Snape was in his meager flat... (red-inked should be hyphenated! So should nineteen-year-old. xD)
+ The elderly woman was often sent him various treats and food (the 'was' should be omitted from the sentence; since the main verb is 'sent', it is redundant, not to mention incorrectly used.)
+ He had begged and plead with Voldemort... (plead should actually be pleaded, to keep with subject-verb agreement and parellelism)
The mistakes weren't too major, but they occured frequently enough to disrupt the flow of the story, so perhaps you should consider an edit or enlist the help of a beta. :)
Overall, this was a great read, and I liked how it ended on a hopeful note, leaving the reader to infer what would happen afterwards. Unfortunately, I’m closing down the review thread until probably after school ends in a two months, but thank you for requesting your story. ♥
~Chocolate_Frog Report Review
The ending was surprising. While I figured she had gotten out of the fire, I didn't expect her to be in the office so much as someone had found out about her or something. You've written a good story.
I did notice that you sometimes repeat things in a single sentance, like here: As he neared his desk, he saw that there was something on his desk" when instead of the second 'desk' it would have been more effect to say it. But other than that, I think you've done a good job :)
~LilyAuthor's Response: Thank you for this great review :)
~webeta123 Report Review
Hi there, I’m here with your requested review.
I really like your summary. For some reason, succinct summaries really get me.
I do a Running Review, so the first things I see are the first things I comment upon. As such, I have a bit of tiff with this second sentence: His first years were as much as dunderheads as were normal for these years and they had gone through all of his monarch wings. It’s too long. Perhaps do a new sentence when you start talking about the monarch wings?
expensive [to say] - per se
You capture Snape well in the first paragraph. His dry voice is practically prattling in my ears with his disdain for those around him. But there’s also that hint of bitterness there…*sigh*
This paragraph where Snape walks into his office and the description of what he expects ahead was wonderfully worded. Then how you segued into the flashback ( Memories that had long plagued him seized his mind and thrust him back into the world that he had thought he had left behind) was another winsome thing, mainly because I abhor authors who do strange things like “FLASHBACK!” etc.
St. Mungo’s [personal] - personnel
he decided to try and [decide] on a name for the little one. - this second “decide” is a bit redundant, perhaps “settle”?
I love how he names her after Lily. It’s amazing how sweet he is with the child when there isn’t a clue as to who she is; that he keeps her rather than sending her to an orphanage. This is a different Snape than the one remembering and this makes it all the more clear.
Baw, this whole scene with Belle and the flowers! THIS WHOLE SCENE! *shakes fist in futility at fighting off the cuteness*
Whoa!!! Twist! I love twists!! Nice! Not really expecting that ending though I should’ve expected something with that daffodil being left on the desk. Are you continuing this? Can you? How can you not? The last thing Snape did to Belle was snap at her; is she holding a grudge? Does she think he abandoned her? All these questions in my mind!
This is what a writer should do, make the reader want you to continue it! I am highly entertained!
xCharAuthor's Response: Hello,
Thank you so much for reading this story and for all of the feedback of this story. Report Review
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