Hello there :)
Wow. I just had to say that first. This is so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. It's . . . I don't even have words. It's really good. My favourite story so far. It's . . . WOW. It's fantastic. And to think you managed to do this in 500 words! That's far better than some of the stories I have read that has over 30 chapters, and you did this in 500 words. I'm really impressed.
What I love the most is actually the characterization. You can tell that Lily is both scared and angry. She is afraid because she is after all a muggleborn. She knows the dark lord hates her just for that, and she knows he will likely attack and/or kill her at some point. That's why she hopes it's just a nightmare. At the same time, she hates them for thinking less of her because of her blood status. This makes her want to fight back. To, in some ways, prove that she is more than her blood status. That's just the way I saw though.
And then there is Snape. I think Lily and Snape are really good friends before this happened. It seems like Lily see him as the one person she can trust more than anything, and that's why she feels so betrayed when he calls her a mudblood. The one person she trusted, has suddenly turned into someone that she both fears and hates. All of a sudden, she is hated almost everywhere. Because by saying that one word, he basically said he thinks less of her because she is a muggleborn. It's really well-written.
Wow. I just loved the whole story. 10/10 (would give it more, but I doesn't go higher so . . .)
- Your Secret Santa Report Review
Ooh! I liked this one-shot, it was so good.
It was sort, but it got to the point - which I loved!
I really liked Lily's feelings towards Snape, they weren't fuelled with hatred nor were they "OMG YAY I DON'T HAVE TO HANG AROUND THE SLIMEBALL ANYMORE!"
Not that I've ever seen that, anyway my point was that you got a nice middle-point. :)
So, as I said before, I really liked this! :)
10/10! :DAuthor's Response: Hey, thank you so much for stopping by! Haha, i'm glad you thought i had balance in this because i think their relationship would have been something she would have been saddened over. It would be hard to loose a friend that you've known almost your whole life and have that final realization now of what he actually is. So sad. Anyway, thanks so much for the review :D Report Review
Yikes! Who knew I'd love this one-shot so much? It's so emotion packed, and this is rather amazing, and it matches Lily perfectly and her views on their friendship. Personally, I love the Minister of Magic paragraph, because you linked and compared the brewing war to Lily's views and that's really clever!
But really, an amazing fic! I'm heading over to the spin-off to start reading, then I'll go and finish reading All that Glitters :D
Tawi XAuthor's Response: Hey Tawi!!!
Thanks! I've had most of the reviewers comment that that was their favourite part of the story (can i even call it that? it's more like a drabble) as well. Lily has always been hard for me to write so i'm glad that she seems in character here. I feel like she's been a little idolized in the books and then also in ff so trying to find the right characteristics of her can be hard.
Thanks for reviewing :D Report Review
I really loved this. You really captured a sense of loss and pain that Lily must feel after the 'incident' with Snape. You've really managed to show just how important their friendship was to Lily, and how, when in the hands of the wrong person, words (or rather, a single word) can cause such distress.
'Like dust to the wind.' Such a simple yet poetical line, I really love this. :)
Such a lovely one shot, I really enjoyed it :DAuthor's Response: Lovely, i'm glad you really liked that and thought i captured what she might have been going through. Trying to get that in such a small word count was rather hard and i felt like i was just brushing the surface. I've always found Lily a little elusive and had a hard time figuring out why she reacted the way she did, this was my way of trying to explain it to myself. :D Thank you for stopping by and reading, i really appreciate it! Report Review
This really makes me want to give this challenge another shot (after accidentally deleting my 500 word story :P ). I know how difficult it is to write in so few words and I think you did a beautiful job with this.
It's subtle but not in a confusing way. It was very clear who it was and obviously we know what happened between them but I love stories that deal with this particular moment in the Marauders' era. It's often done appallingly but I think you really pulled off the emotion necessary.
Lily's sadness was heartbreaking and the last few sentences really hit home. I think the change in what she thinks of him as - Severus, the friend; Snape, the Death Eater - was particularly striking and helps to emphasise how much of a turning point that moment was.
Your style is very consistent too, coming to this after reviewing 'Whispers in the Night', which is obviously very important from a writing perspective. The pain comes across really well and it really is horrible to think of Lily going through as much as she has in terms of this friendship, as well as the implications this moment has for their futures.
I think this is a wonderful one-shot and you've done really well with the aftermath of such an important moment in the books.Author's Response: 500 is hard and I'm not exactly pleased with how this whole thing turned out, i've probably edited and changed it 4 times now but i haven't been able to get it in my mind. But i am pleased that you enjoyed it anyway. Lily has always been elusive to me this moment never really added up in my head for some reason. I was trying to explain it to myself.
I'm pleased you got it because i've gotten quite a few mixed reviews about it being too confusing, however, i've changed somethings to try and make the point a little clearer. I'm pleased that you got how big of a turning point this was because it's easy to ignore things coming from someone you don't know, like a stranger tell you you are stupid or something it's easy to laugh it off or simply not believe them because what do they know? But when your friend, your best friend tells you you're stupid or a Mudblood it hurts more because of all that emotional garbage you have to deal with but also you believe it to an extent. Lily realized who she was to most of the world, that she was lower than trash and that she lost her very best friend, there is only so far a friendship will go with such differing beliefs and perhaps she realized she could no longer save him.
Anyway thanks for all of your reviews! They really mean a lot to me, you did not have to review so many as a form of an apology though life gets way too busy sometimes, happens to me all the time, however i do appreciate every one that you gave. =D
-zayne Report Review
I don't get it. It's needs more substance. Yeah, what's the three letter word? Sex? Snape never has IT with Lily. Or wants to.Author's Response: I'm sorry you didn't get it, the word is Mudblood. This was set after Snape said Mudblood to Lily in their 5th year. The three letters i believe you're talking about was the word "him". She was simply reflecting that "him" was just another 'one word' which controlled her life. I hope that makes it clearer for you. Report Review
'he reminded me of what I am in this war'
That really does sum up why a stupid one-time incident can have such a lasting impact on a long-time friendship. Nice!
Thanks for dueling with this :)
~TyAuthor's Response: Thanks for stopping by and reading this little story Ty! Report Review
Hey there! I'm here for the review swap :)
I'm always in awe of people who can pull of something decent for this challenge, because to me it seems absolutely absurd that you can communicate anything in 500 words (that seems like about two paragraphs of my writing) and yeah, this was really lovely and was thoroughly impressed. I really liked the focus on words, particuarlly how there were so few, anyway, yeah. I loved this :)
ACAuthor's Response: Hi!
Thanks for the review, sorry it took my forever to reply. I'm terrible at that but i do appreciate your comments! It's weird to me too to write something so short, but it seemed fitting since the whole thing was talking about how less words are sometimes better.
Thanks again for your comments and i'm pleased you liked it. =D Report Review
I think you did a good job! I enjoyed the read anyway, and agree with Lilly (and you) it only takes a word. -nods-Author's Response: Hi! Yes, one word can be so incredibly powerful if you think about it. Life changes, i'm pleased that you connected with that idea. Thank you so much for taking the time and reviewing this! Your words mean so much to me! Take care. Report Review
Thank you for entering the challenge, first of all, especially when it results in a great one-shot like this! It's refreshing to see someone writing this scene from Lily's perspective because I've often read Snape's side of the story (I suppose we owe that to "The Prince's Tale"), but Lily's remains less explored. Certainly the way that you focused on her suffering in that moment while she deals with the aftereffects of having her best friend insult her in such a derogatory way distinguishes this story, at least for me. I've always had such a hard time understanding Lily's side of that scene and why she reacted in the way that she did, but you explain it well here, making her treatment of him right after this one-shot takes place understandable. She did it because he destroyed her fragile world, a world perhaps more fragile than she'd ever admit to anyone.
And you did all of that in 500 words. Impressive. ;)
The second half of the story was far more effective than the first half, I have to say. I could see the point where you really started getting into Lily's point of view and properly connecting with her character whereas, in the opening section, about up to the "because it came from him", you seem to be grasping for the best way to enter into her mind. You have the right ideas with the whole tragedy vs. comedy concept, but the language there needs some more work to bring it up to the quality of the ending.
Great work on this story and the best of luck with the challenge! It would be a treat to see you explore this characterization of Lily further somehow, as hearing from her in the first person with this amount of depth and emotion is hard to find. :DAuthor's Response: Hi Violet, thank you so much for your compliments. Honestly, I'm amazed that you felt like i captured her in those moments after. Lily has always been a bit elusive to me and I haven't seriously tried tackling her and how she acted and who she was. I'm pleased that you felt i captured the idea well.
About the beginning, I feel like it's shaky too and i've changed things around a few times to try and chip away at my dissatisfaction with it, but it is what it is now. I will change it later but I'm taking a break away from it so i can try to get it right later. :D Thanks so much for pointing that out to me though, i really appreciate it.
Thank you again for your compliments and suggestions and thanks for giving out this challenge, it was fun to write. Report Review
At the beginning didn't know who it could have been and now that I see that it's Lily it makes perfect sense :-D I love your description about the one word and how badly it's affected her.
This was a really good read and I enjoyed it.Author's Response: Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to read this and i'm glad that it made sense in the end. I'm always a little worried when i write Lily because i find her incredibly difficult to write properly so I died a bit inside of happiness when i read your review. Thank you so much for your thoughts! Report Review
I love this. I just read the Star Listener and had to see what else you have posted. To tell you the truth, you wrapped me up in your story so well, that it was a dissapointing shock when I abruptly hit the end. It seems you could have done more with it. However, when I got over the shock of it being over, I was able to appreciate the beauty of what you accomplished with only 500 words. I am officailly your fan! ^_^Author's Response: wow, thank you so much, i rarely get unsolicited reviews so getting two from you has been absolutely lovely. I'm so pleased you enjoyed it and yes it's super short but i'm pleased you thought i covered a lot of ground with just 500 words. Thank you again for your lovely and kind words. Report Review
Hey there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here with your review. So, we'll talk about your concerns first, then I'll chat about my thoughts...off we go!
Characterization: I think you wrote this beautifully. I think Lily's character was really brought out in the way the story moved. Very well done. The only thing that you might want to change is making it more obvious who the speaker is before the second to last paragraph. I didn't know who was talking, so I had to re-skim once I realized it was Lily. But I think you captured her feelings about being called a "mudblood" very well.
Flow: the beginning was choppy, to be honest. It seemed to repeat itself, but not in a completely coherent way. The first paragraph, and then the third one (after the paragraph that's just a sentence) were a bit confusing. I could tell what you were trying to say, but the round-about way you had of getting there made it a little difficult to grasp.
Now, to my thoughts:
I really liked the paragraph where she talks about the Minister of Magic and how "unity" would help them more than long-winded speeches. And I think you really captured the essence of this whole story in the final paragraph. I got tingles!
This story, especially that last paragraph, was beautiful. I really loved Lily's realizations that one word can destroy a friendship, even one that was so strong. And she knows that things can't be the same, even if she would love them to. It was very emotional at the end and I liked that a lot.
Within the word-count restraint, I think you did wonderfully. It's not easy to write something so short! I've never done it, that's for sure. Though...this story may have inspired me to try...anyhow: I think you did very well for the prompt.
Great job explaining her emotions. Try to make the beginning more clear: maybe reading it aloud will show you the choppy places? And other than that, you're golden. Good job!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hey,
I get what you're saying about the scatteredness of those paragraphs. I was worried about it but it's sometimes hard to be objective with your own writing and delete the things you've written. I'm so glad you've given me your honest opinion and i've actually gone back and hopefully fixed that up a bit to make it a bit more coherent. I hope it's better now.
I made it a little more obvious with the speaker and mentioned briefly her hair but i like the anonymity of it and how it could be anyone until that last moment when it all makes sense.
Thank you so much for your other lovely comments and i'm pleased that that one paragraph gave you tingles. I think any author would love to hear that about their work. The 500 words was challenging because i kept going over and then under and then i'd only need to add an extra word or two but finding just the right word was difficult. I'm glad though that it expressed Lily's feelings in that moment though. Thanks again for stopping by and giving me your thoughts! Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
This definitely was an interesting piece to read- it had the ability to be longer but I think that you did a good job with the 500 words that you had. I haven't read too many stories centered around Lily in the immediate aftermath of that incident and each one that I have has been unique and very well written. I think that you did a very good job of describing Lily's emotions right after the "Mudblood" scene- it was easy to see how much it affected her. She's right in that one measly word can forever change your world.
The manner in which you wrote this story immediately put me in mind of a teenaged girl. Though thoughtful, Lily is still scared and unsure, emotions that really come out in this piece. Your characterization was good, though there weren't very many opportunities to see it shine through. The last sentence did a brilliant job of summing up the whole story- it was probably my favourite line in the whole story. That one word really does mean everything to her because, as you said, it represents the end of her friendship and her position in the war. It's her identity, what the majority of people will judge her as.
The little details that you included also helped to place the time period of this story. In particular, the line where Lily decides that she will only refer to Severus as "Snape" now solidified the power of the one word- it truly did destroy the friendship.
For me, the first sentence sounds a little awkward with the phrase "one words" because you're associating a singular with a plural- I think that it would flow better if you took out the "one". As well, the sentence "such a true statement." is a question so the period should be changed to a question mark. And don't worry- your story definitely does make sense. Though sometimes your thoughts jump from point to point, you did a good job of linking them together with the common thread of "one word". Finally, I think that a few of your sentences were a little wordy and would be more powerful if you cut them into two sentences (for example, "If everything was fine, no strange deaths, why would he need to speak at all" could be turned into "If everything was fine, if there were no strange deaths or ominous threats, why would he need to speak?" - I realize now that I just added words to your original sentence but hopefully you get the idea.)
All in all I think that you did a great job of exploring Lily's emotions in the immediate aftermath of the "Mudblood" incident in a short period of time. Your "One Word" theme definitely gives the reader something to think about. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful!Author's Response: Hi!
Wow, such a long and wonferful review, i bet it's almost as long or longer than the story itself ;D.
I'm glad you felt they fit Lily's, i was worried people might think it was a bit dramatic for he to think her life as over or as a tragedy, but i feel like people have a tendency to write these characters as if they were 10 years older than they actually are. I'm pleased that it seemed to fit her.
I've changed up some of the awkwardness and the jumping of thoughts you mentioned although i've left the strange deaths simply because of the word limit.
Thank you so much for your comments and thoughts though, i really appreciate them. Report Review
I never thought 500 words could hold so much! haha Overall, I think you did a very good job. I think instead of a story, I would call this more of a drabble..but I bet that if you chose to do so, this drabble could inspire you or somebody else to write a story someday!
There were a few errors, but nothing major.
I'm guessing the word was mudblood? I'm completely clueless as to what it could be...but I'm just slow. So I'm probably wrong.
I love how Lily said that it was Snape now instead of Severus. The last paragraph really stood out as your best as it showed Lily in a very vulnerable place. Great work!
-DobbyAuthor's Response: yes, the word was mudblood! Gosh, maybe I should make that clearer, but this was written in the moment before Mary cam in and told Lily that Snape was waiting for her outside of the common room. I believe it was in one of his memories that he gave Harry?
I'm glad you thought this piece captured her vulnerability, i feel like i was a little scattered with that and i'm glad you saw it. Thank you for your reiew. Report Review
I liked Snape's internal monologue and it's so true how one word can change so many things. Nicely done, not over the top but full of feeling.Author's Response: Hi, i want to thank so much for taking the time to leave a review. It was actually Lily's perspective this is written in though but i'm glad that you liked this little snippet! Report Review
Yes, yes, this is quiet a short one isn't it? I was really surprised with the length! I actually refreshed so many times! I thought something was wrong with my browser...apparently not. :P I just got used to your long story is all...
Any who, I think you did a great job writing what might have been in Lily's mind during those times. The 'one word' theme is a really good idea, adds a new dimension to the story. Plus the way you described it was just amazing. I totally love it.
I think Lily loved Snape, if you will, from the very start that's why she refused James so many time but when Snape called her a you-know-what I think that totally did it for her. Poor Lily, her life is now a tragedy. I always wonder what would happen if Lily married Snape...would there be a Harry? :x
Overall, I really like it! I wish it was longer though but I think there's 500 words in here because of a challenge right? Fantastic job. Totally love it. 10/10
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: haha, yes, it's very, very short. Not normal for me but I just didn't feel like a lot needed to be said for this moment. It was also for that every word counts challenge which makes you write a one-shot with just 500 words. I figured i could fit in what i wanted to say with just that small amount of words. Plus, it seemed fitting since the story itself revolved around the idea that fewer words fit the purpose better than many. :D
I think she had some sort of love for him, whether is was deep, passionate love at that point i'm not entirely sold on, but i think that he was such an important person to her and given different circumstances, things might have been different for them later. It's sad really, but then again, there'd be no James/Lily, no Harry, Neville would probably be the person marked for the Chosen One. So much would have changed. I think that word made her finally realize that she can't save everyone. That their paths were just too different that they'd probably never be given the right curcumstances to be together. I suppose it opened her eyes to see James.
I'm so glad you liked it even if it was only 500 words. Thanks so much for your awesome review XD. Report Review
I really like these "every word counts" stories I keep running across. Maybe I'll have to try it out someday - seems like a tough and interesting challenge. They've all been so good! :)
I know you said this isn't very Snily, but I beg to differ. I think the very fact that Lily places so much gravity on the fallout of her relationship with Snape, claiming that her life is now a tragedy, implies a very heavy focus on Snily here. It's almost like the same words could come out of Severus's mouth when looking at the other side and blaming himself. Thus, I really like this because it implies that Lily actually felt something when she lost him, that his friendship mattered to her, and that there maybe could have been something there.
The repetition of the "one word" theme was really powerful, and I think it's kind of a neat response to the FD challenge. I like how the metaphor extends from the immediate crisis, the destruction of their relationship, to a broader emergency, which is the fact that Lily now feels totally alone. You've set it up nicely for James to come along and take her in later on.
Excellent work! I really enjoyed it! :)
AmandaAuthor's Response: Yeah, i've always liked them and i actually didn't start this story with that in mind. It just sort of happened when i realized there wasn't a lot that needed to be said about this moment. I do like the whole snapshot idea of just showing a fleeting moment in time.
Okay, i definitely see your point there and i suppose i should have seen it before. It's definitely not a happy Snily but which ones really are. If they had walked the same path or given different circumstances in life, i always wondered what would have become them.
I'm glad you like it, Lily has always been a hard character for me. She's elusive and for me, getting her feelings right seems like climbing mount Everest. I'm pleased though that you felt like it all fit together well.
Thank you for your review and lovely, lovely words Amanda!
-Zay Report Review
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