Reading Reviews for Between the Pages
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Beeezie The Find

28th February 2012:
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! Sorry for the awful delay - I've been very busy lately.

You've got a very interesting premise here, and I can already see this going in a direction that's just going to completely suck me in. I'm a big fan of this sort of story - the different time periods and the discovering the past and all of that other fun stuff.

There are three basic things that I think you need improvement on: minor mechanics, transitions, and detail. None of those were anything remotely approaching bad, but they were a little choppy. Based on what I see in the chapter as a whole, I think that you could polish it up and take it from good to amazing.

On the subject of minor mechanics: your grammar is good, but there were some little typos and misplaced punctuation that it stood out to me. (Disclaimer: I'm such a grammar freak that this isn't actually saying a whole lot.) For example, in the third paragraph after the letter, it should be been up here before, not been up her before. As another example, in the second paragraph of the letter, there really should have been a comma rather than a period after You're at school right now. Again, there weren't all that many and they weren't major errors, but there were enough that I found them a little distracting.

I also found the transitions between scenes to be a little rough. I think that part of it was your presentation: you just used symbols rather than a section break or extra line breaks (or both), which caused me to initially miss that you'd switched to a different scene in the first place, especially when you jumped from the attic to the shop. However, I think that part of it was how short each of the scenes was - I felt like you really could have fleshed them out a little to grab the reader's interest and provide a bit more background about Raissa. We don't need to know her life story - in a lot of ways, that would spoil some of the fun of the story - but a little more detail would have smoothed it out and made each scene feel more worthwhile on its own merits.

And now I've already started talking about detail, which messes up the clean little categories I was intending to have, but that's okay.

I want to be clear: what you have here is great. The premise of the story is, as I said above, really inttriguing, and I think that the idea of Raissa finding a journal her mother wrote to her to be quite plausible. There are a lot of places you can take that, especially given the little section that Oliver reads. You've alluded to a dynamic between Raissa and her mother that I'll be interested to see you explore.

However, I do feel like the story is lacking in detail right now. I'm intrigued by the story itself, but I don't really feel any connection to Raissa herself - I don't really feel like I even know who she is. Including more detail about her feelings - particularly on the subject of her mother, but also regarding Oliver, George, acting, her life, etc - would have helped me relate to her and care more about her as a character. How does she feel about her mother right now? I'm assuming this is post-war - does she feel something when she reads Fred's name? Does she miss George? Was she not happy when they were at Hogwarts? How does she feel about Oliver?

Etc. Some more detail and elaboration would make a huge difference to me in really bringing Raissa to life and making the story pop.

Please feel free to rerequest next time I have slots open and you have the second chapter up - I'd love to see where you go with this!

Author's Response: Thank you for this detailed review. I'll definitely take everything into consideration, especially regarding the detail.

Since this is planned to be a novel length story I don't think it's so necessary to reveal so much to begin with and definitely not in the first chapter.

I'm currently working on some OF and I'm not sure when I'll get the second chapter out. I'll make sure to rerequest when I do.

Thanks again!


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Review #2, by ScarletRoses The Find

15th February 2012:
I'm going to be very very frank with you. I absolutely love this so far. I think it has a great base to become a spectacular story. I won't lie to you and say the description didn't turn me off slightly, but now that I actually took the time to read it, it seems brilliant. So let's start giving you the feedback other than it's brilliant, yeah?

I'm not a big grammar person, so I can't hit you with that whatsoever. From what I saw, it was good though! Again, I'm not a big grammar person, but you seem to have a good hold on that. I've also noticed format is something that a lot of people look at and yours has a good flow with that as well.

I think some things were a little unclear for this to be the first chapter. You weren't sure why the Mom left Rai or why her mom is even sick to begin with. I think it was also unclear why her mother wanted to even send her this to begin with. I also feel that the part that would be the most unrealistic would be the fact that the story/diary her mother sent her is so discriptive. I think a brililant idea would be to throw some memories of her mother's that the mother sent along with the story?

That's about all I have to say in the negative sense. This is a very original idea that I'm in love with. You're taking two of my favorite ships and forming them together, which is a very exciting idea for me. Are you sure you didn't write this story specifically for me? Just kidding.

I'm curious if this story is going to be more set in the past or present? This isn't something you can clarify on in the story, I understand that. It was just burning into my head when I was reading through this.

One more thing: you might want to clarify her history in a few more chapters. How she got with Oliver, how she's friends with the twins, and how her mother left her to begin with. Other than that, I think this will be a great story. Since you are revamping an old story, I don't need to tell you the whole "make sure you know where you're going with this" thing.

Once again... I feel this is brilliant!

Author's Response: Aww thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. :)

When I get to revising this chapter, and of course in the chapters to come, I'll try and make things more clear. I'm still a little unsure as to how I'll work her mom's story, but one thing that is certain is Rai's own story and background will be told.

Again, thank you so much for reviewing and enjoying it! :)


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Review #3, by PolyJuice_ The Find

8th February 2012:
Hm, this is really amazing, you know that right?
Not only is the plot well done, but the actual writing is excellent.
Some issues I found however:

~"...through my oft clouded eyes."

You should change this to 'often'. Minor detail, its just things like this are odd, like when you have 'BRB' in a story.


~"He gently took the pages from me and flipped through them ... Well get through this, Nen, I promise we will. Oliver gently closed the book. "

This is not quite clear where the passage of the book ends, and where Oli starts.


~You should elaborate and build the characters. I really have no idea about any of the people so far. I know its the prologue/first chap, but it really does need to be made more clear.

--

Honestly? I can't find anything more than that. Your sentence structure is amazing, the dialogue fits perfectly, and it flows really well.

This is amazing, please write more, and sorry I couldn't be more of a help, but theres not much to improve on.
10/10

~Liz

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the quick response!

I'll definitely take your suggestions into consideration. I know I definitely need to make the part where Oliver is reading more clear. Italics were suggested. Before I make edits to this I want to make sure I have more up and written so the story continues. :)

I'm the kind of writer where I don't like to give away too much to begin with. Characters will be developed as the story progresses.

Again thank you so much! I really appreciate you reading and taking the time to review and the fact that you liked it really makes my day. :)


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Review #4, by Miss Muggle The Find

6th February 2012:
I really like this. It seems very mysterious and intriguing.
The beginning is a bit confusing, but otherwise, I can't complain. I like your writing style a lot. It doesnt feel weighed down like a lot of stories.
I can't wait for more, please update soon!!! PLEASE

Author's Response: Thank you! :) I'll try and have chapter 2 out asap!

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Review #5, by The_seeker12 The Find

6th February 2012:
Interesting start... One question, actually: Is this before or after the battle of Hogwarts? I was trying to figure it out...

But anyhow, Raissa is an interesting character already and I can't wait to get to know her more.

You have nice writing, and the first person POV is better than many of the stories I've read on here, so good job. Very few grammar issues...

Good story over all. :)

Author's Response: It's set around a year after the battle.

Thank you for reviewing. I'm so glad you liked it. :) This was a reworking of my old story Crash and Burn and since I'm taking such a drastically different route with it I've been concerned about how it would turn out.

Thanks again! :)


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Review #6, by Moonyxluna The Find

6th February 2012:
This is a really great first chapter :) It's really intersting so far, I really want to know more! Oliver's such a sweetheart here. I like how she works at George's shop :) Is this going to be set after the war, or before?

I did get a little confused when he was reading from what her mother had written because I didn't really realize it was from the book, but I went back and it made sense. Maybe changing the part to italics if you do an edit? Just a thought :)

Other than that, I didn't notice anything grammer-wise, but by no means am I an expert on that. I like her personallity so far, so good job on that :)

Really really great job overall! I'll be looking for updates for sure!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing!

It is set after the war by about a year with Rai, but her mom's story is during the Marauder's era.

I'll definitely have to change that to italics. Thanks for pointing it out because I had forgotten about it!

Thanks again! :)


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