Wanting Audrey dead in a thousand ways seems to have really cheered Rose up a bit. Nice to see family thinking up ill will together :)
Loved the chapter, glad your feeling better,
see you next chapter!Author's Response: Awww, thank you!
Emma xx Report Review
I don't think Rose is very happy with Julia at the moment. She keeps making her face the one truth. Mark isdead and gone.Author's Response: Thanks so much dear for the review. Rose and Julia, I don't think there is a chance that they'll ever get on. ;) Report Review
It's so touching and emotional it made me cry..wwhich is what I am doing now...Really good!Author's Response: Thanks xx
Emma x Report Review
Yea! She's ready to see the public. Thats a great first step. Good chapter :)Author's Response: Aww, thank you so much. xx Report Review
Hi! This is apocalypse, here with your review! Firstly, I'm really sorry for taking such a long time, I've been having crazy days at my place so I couldn't find time to review this. But anyway, I've got some time on my hands now so I'm here with your review! :)
I think I'll go step by step. You asked about the dialogue in your request. I didn't really see a problem with the dialogue so far. The entire conversation in the chapter was written well enough and there weren't any problems grammar wise. However, I did feel like it wasn't engaging enough. There really wasn't anything there that could keep the conversation alive, you know?
I think that considering that this was the prologue, the description was enough with regards to that. It was enough to make sense of the story and make sure that we understood what was happening. Everything was written well for a prologue so I liked it :) You might need more of it in the next chapters but so far, it's enough.
Okay about Rose's job. You put enough information in there but there were moments when I wondered about the whole point of her job being explained in the prologue. I think it's not as important to mention, especially not in the prologue. I think you should've mentioned more about Mark and Rose's feelings for him. Seeing as how the chapter ended, I wanted more info about him and not her job.
The characterization was pretty good actually. I really liked Ron and Hermione. I think Ron did a pretty funny job of criticizing his robes and whining about them. It was something I could see him doing. :) And Rose was very like-able so far. I think I'll enjoy reading her narration more :)
You've got a really good start here. I think that the way you ended the prologue, it grabbed your reader's interest which is an excellent way to make your story successful. So great job!
Well, that's it from me at the moment! I hope you like this review and that it helps you in any way it can! Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! =D
-CalAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review - don't worry about it being late. :D
I'm glad you liked it but I see what you mean about explaining Rose's job and needing to add more about Mark, I agree. :)
Emma xx Report Review
Hi, Emma! Thanks so much for doing your part to help Gryffindor take the cup! Here is your review.
So this was an interesting start to whichever direction your story is about to journey into. I think you laid out just enough details about Rose's life to whet the appetite for the reader, and you certainly didn't beat me over the head with a bunch of names, dates and facts that I'll never remember later. It's a good way to start, placing the reader in familiar surroundings to introduce what seem to be some unfamiliar concepts.
So Rose is 25, implying that she's been out of school for around 8 years. I guess the first question that dawns on my is to wonder why she's working as a hotel receptionist. Rose is, in general, portrayed as "the smart one". The one who's invariably an Auror or a curse-breaker or a Healer... some profession requiring a great deal of brains. So you're taking an unconventional tack, which is commendable.
I like how you've kept the characterizations of the older family members true to canon. Arthur is still obsessed with all things muggle. Hermione and Molly are both very maternal, chastising Rose for her language and trying to keep everyone on the straight and narrow. Ron is still somewhat whiny and something of a goofball.
And then the Ministry wizard arrives and drops the bomb on Rose. I think I would have liked just a bit more build-up on her relationship with her fiancé before this happens. This should be a very gripping moment; she's just learned that her fiancé has suffered a life-threatening injury. But because he was mentioned so briefly -- almost like an after-thought if you compare the number of words describing him to the number dedicated to her job, for instance -- my gut reaction wasn't nearly as strong as I think it should have been. I just wasn't sold on the idea of, "oh, no! Rose has met her soul-mate and how he might die! Whatever will she do?!?!?"
On the plus side, I thought your writing was terrific. I couldn't find a thing to nit-pick you on. It all flowed nicely.
Great start!Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
I am slowly falling in love with Rose stories, and I think you've made her much different than she usually is in this! I like the dynamic between her and her family a lot, also.
Ron and Hermione always make my heart warm, and you've done a great job at keeping them those two people I really love.
And you've nearly killed her fiance?! What?! That was unexpected and delivered really well! The only issue I have is with the very last line, it feels too repetitive with him saying that he has a life threatening condition that could be fatal. Because in this instance, he's just repeating the same thing. I think something like, he's been rushed to St. Mungos because of a possibly fatal condition...
Thanks for being such a lovely Gryffie!Author's Response: No Jamie, thank you for being awesome!
I'm glad you liked it! I have a thing with killing people though. Seriously, it's really weird. But I'll sort out that last line!
Emma xx Report Review
Hey, LiveLarge here with your requested review!
Nice cliff-hanger! I've never been good at those(; I hope Mark doesn't die already, because I was looking forward to a love triangle (sue me(;), but I'm sure it will be good either way!
I thought your characterization was good, especially with Arthur. Some things never change, eh? I like Rose, but it's hard to be sure about characterization from the first chapter when your character isn't an extreme (not that you should change her to an extreme; I think it's quite nice to read about a normal person).
"...varying from Lucy as a therapist..." Oh my goodness, I'm actually writing a story right now where Lucy is a therapist (sorta)! Awesome(;
Congratulations to you and your beta, SamMalfoy, because I couldn't find any spelling mistakes in this whole chapter! I did notice a thing or two that I wanted to point out:
-There were a couple times I noticed that you did this, but remember to capitalize proper nouns such as Mum and Dad. However, when you say MY mum or dad, it doesn't have to be.
-"“Thank you so much, dear, I’m so glad you could come! I hear you have all been so busy lately!”"
You use the word "so" three times here, and it just feels a bit repetitive. Also, it seems sort of sugar-coated with all of the so's, and I've never thought of Molly as one to sugar-coat things. Not a big deal, though.
'He just came down to reception, puffing into his pipe whilst smoke rose up in the air from his wispy beard. "My beard was on fire," he calmly wheezed. "Now, do you know where the nearest book shop is?"'
I love Rose's dry sort of humor. This had me laughing so hard!
Lovely beginning chapter, you introduced all of the characters really well yet in a short enough chapter that it didn't drag on. Great job!
Thanks for requesting and feel free to come back(:
LLL(:Author's Response: Thanks so much for the lovely review! I think I will have to re-request, you're a great reviewer!
Thanks for pointing out about putting 'so' in three times, I didn't notice that!!
Anyway, I'm glad you liked it!!
Emma xx Report Review
Al's got the right idea, she should go back and she should leave Dom out of it. Rose doesn't need protection from her doctor. another good chapter, I'm really feeling it.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Rose should go back but because she is so stubborn, who knows if she will? x
Emma xxx Report Review
Albuswas so patient with her, I'm glad Rose agreed to some help. Good chapter :)Author's Response: Aw, thanks for the review! Report Review
Emma, that was an epic chapter, loved the whole thing :) see you soon!Author's Response: Glad you liked it! I put lots of effort into it! Thanks for the review though. :) Report Review
Hi Emma! Okay, so, you requested a review about four months ago and it's taken me to this point to get round to coming here and leaving you your review (for which I can only say I'm honestly really and truly very sorry and I may have overestimated my abilities of managing my free time. So, to compensate for taking such an extreme length of time I'm going beyond the usual levels of critical and am venturing into the practically-betaing side of things to apologise. Hopefully you'll see that as a bonus rather than another nail in the coffin of my review, so to speak.
SO, first things first. In the first line you have 'giving me a warm smile' and a few lines down from that you have 'smiled at us all warmly' - they just weren't quite far enough apart for me not to notice the repetition.
" Unfortunately, they misguided me by saying ‘the frequent customers are more than happy to give tips to the staff’" For this, I don't know, I just think the use if misguided seems a little off. Maybe 'mislead' instead?
And, believe it or not, spinning around on my chair lost its novelty after a while. Not a mistake, I just really liked this line :D
“But nobody ever stays there. So even it wasn’t for wizards it would be just as dull,” Just a missing 'if' in here I believe? And your dialogue here should end with a full stop :)
Actually there's a couple of times when the end of your dialogue could do with a fullstop and it's lacking (I do this alll the timmmeee) take a look at the grammar guideline things for dialogue on the forums - very useful.
OKAY so now the nitpicky part is over lets talk about THE STORY. So, I really like the set up you have here. Normally when I see an older Rose character she's usually single and a bit depressing, so this was quite a nice fresh view on one Rose Weasley and, I've got to say, although this is the first chapter you still made me think ohgodno when I got to the final line. I actually think this was because you didn't try too hard to get an emotional response - you could have had Rose go on and on about her wedding and how excited she was before TEARING OUT OUR SHIPPING HEARTS with the horrific bombshell at the end, but the fact that everything was so domestic and almost blissful made it worse for me. One thing, I would say that there was a disproportionate amount of information about her job. It was presented in that nice and entertaining tongue-in-cheek sort of way of yours, but at the same time I did find myself wondering whether it really mattered. Sometimes its best to clear out some of that background stuff from first chapters - as this is your opportunity to grab your readers round the wrist and start shaking them and making them think I NEED TO COME BACK. To be fair, I think your cliff hanger ending saw to that for the most part, but more glimpses of Roses's character would have been nice to see and more appealing to me, as a reader of your first chapter, than the bit about her job.
I mentioned the little funny bits, I think, but to highlight that I thought they really added something. They felt pretty natural, for the most part, and added a nice bit of flare to your writing.
OKAY SO CHARACTERISATION. Right. Well. I liked Roses's character and Hugo too, actually, they both seemed nice and that you'd thought them through quite a lot. Some of the characterisation of the other's well... it seemed like you were trying quite hard? Just the purposeful mention of Arthur's muggle obsession and Ron's messy eating. All of those are valid aspects of their characters and you're nearly there, I just think you needed to relax into their characters a little more and let them be. I thought Ron was definitely your best as far as that was concerned.
Interest? Well, you've definitely captured my interest so I wouldn't worry too much about that, Emma my love!
Now I know this was long and contained a lot of stuff that seems quite critical, but it was a thoroughly enjoyable read and a really good start to a story! I'm just trying to be as helpful as I can possibly be by pointing out everything I can think of. Still, though, I really liked it! Feel free to rerequest (if this beast of a review hasn't put you off)
-ACAuthor's Response: Aha, Helen you're amazing! This review is amazing! I'm glad you found it interesting and your constructive criticism! You're amazing!
Sorry if this response is a little short, I'm trying to catch up with my word count for NaNo!
Emma xx Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! Sorry for the delay - I was on holiday and didn't really have time to fill requests, but I'm back now. :)
Just a few mechanical notes first:
Sometimes your dialogue tags were incorrectly capitalised or followed incorrect punctuation; I'd open up the article about dialogue tags in 'Grammar Guidelines' and go through your dialogue to doublecheck it. Minor, but once you know the rule, it's pretty easy to correct. :) I'd also recommend taking care with your tenses, because you occasionally seemed to switch (though that could simply be typos). You also didn't always capitalise "healer" - I think it's supposed to be, but more importantly, it's good to be consistent, you know?
Another minor thing, but when they first get to St. Mungo's, Hermione uses almost the same words to describe what's happened as the Ministry official did. That seemed odd to me; usually, when people hear bad news, they process and portray it in terms of what's most important to them at the time, and they tend not to use such formal language.
I actually noticed points throughout the chapter where you slipped into dialogue that was just a bit too stiff and formal to feel real, especially considering the situation - another example was when the nurse delivers the bad news. I think that part of the problem is that you seem to shy away from using contractions, and since that's usually how people talk, leaving it out makes the dialogue seem a little stiff. That's something that I think you could watch out for in the future. Just a thought. :)
Okay, I'm done with the mechanics now. :P
The first seven or eight paragraphs - when Rose has first gotten the news and when she's processing it - I felt like your description wasn't quite as strong as it could have been, considering how emotionally charged the situation was. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great, either. I wanted a little more about how her world was falling away, rather than just her saying she was - show not tell, you know? When you're feeling stressed and unhappy, you don't think, "I feel weak and emotionless," you think, "my legs can't support me" or "there's a pit in my stomach" or "I feel like I'm going to throw up." You know? Similarly, when the Ministry official is explaining what's happened to everyone else, I wanted to hear more about how she reacted to hearing those words the second time.
Does that make sense? Again, it wasn't bad - it just wasn't great.
Once you reached the scene in the hospital, I thought that you did a much better job of this. Rose's frustration with the Healer when she asks them their names and the way she reacts to seeing Mark laying on the bed were really well done. The way that she had a hard time asking what had happened the first time and then the way she can't seem to let the question go was perfect, and I also really liked the touch about the thing in the back of her throat that told her the worst. All of that really let me put myself in her shoes and empathise with her. Excellent job.
The only part of that scene where they're waiting for Mark to wake up is that I felt like you struggled a bit with was the dialogue. It was particularly noticeable when Mark's parents are telling Rose what happened. Part of it was a similar problem to the one I mentioned above about the way Hermione approached the Healers at St. Mungo's: it's just too exact a recitation of what happened to really feel genuine, particularly from the point of view of someone whose son is hanging between life and death. I wanted to see a stronger reaction from both them and Rose while they were telling her. I also didn't really feel like you needed to give all of the specifics - how would they know? Would they even have absorbed all of that if they'd been told?
To a lesser extent, I felt like Hermione whispering to Rose and trying to comfort her needed a little work. The dialogue itself felt a little stiff, and I wanted to see more about what she was physically doing and how Rose was reacting to it. Did Rose want her mother to go away? Did she want her there? Did she need the physical comfort, or is she the type of person who doesn't want to be touched when she's upset? A little more detail about that, particularly when you talk about Rose swearing at the Healers, definitely would have helped bring it to life.
It was a bit more mixed once they receive the news that Mark is going to die. There were some things that you did really well - Rose's anger at everyone was good, and I felt like it fit with her emotions earlier on. She was in shock initially, but that really seems to have worn off and now she's just angry with the world. The issue I saw here was, again, that I just wanted a little more in the way of description so I could really get inside her head. There were points where you did this really well - I loved the "Magic can do almost anything" part in particular, and the way she punched the Healer in the face fit really well to me and gave me a good sense of how she was feeling. However, there were also points where there either wasn't enough description or what was there was a bit awkward (e.g., "I was still next to Mark's dead body but now standing, swearing randomly in the room" - this didn't really give me a vivid mental picture, you know?).
I do want to commend you on how you ended the chapter - I don't think it could have been any stronger. The prose was excellent, and I really got a sense of overwhelming loss and despair from it.
On the whole, this was a really good chapter, and I really enjoyed it! Please feel free to rerequest, and happy birthday! ♥Author's Response: Thank you for the wonderful review! And I had a great birthday! Report Review
Oh an interesting twist to the story.
The beginning was very easy reading quite nice to read through with your description of Rose with a little information into her life with talking about her job and then with her family ties.
I like to see that Ron is complaining about his outfit and looking like a Gorilla. This is very true to Ron's personality and regardless of how well and dapper he did look he'd be much more comfortable in his jeans and casual clothes.
Giving us the information that Rose is engaged early on is good as it allows her to expand on her feelings towards Mark so you get to know a little bit about him before the twist!
I'm intrigued to see where you go with this as you can see that he is obviously hurt!Author's Response: Thank you so so much for this review! Aha, this is so so nice!!
Emma xx Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! Oh, I'm so excited - I think that this is my first review request from you! And, even better, it's for a story I remember having a lot of interest in when you were talking about it on the board. I hope I don't let you down.
Overall, this was quite well-written, but there were a few little mechanical things that I want to point out.
In the first and third paragraphs, you describe Molly as smiling - first politely, and then warmly. It felt a little repetitive. Additionally, the characterisation of Molly as smiling "politely" seemed a little off to me, as did Rose calling her grandmother by her first name in the third paragraph. Very minor, but it did still out, and I tend nitpick. :P Similarly, in the third paragraph, Molly says both "I'm so glad you could all come!" and "I hear you have all been so busy lately!" The double "all" felt a little awkward as well. There were also several sighs in a very short period of time, which had a similar effect. In general, I wished that you had a little - and I really do just mean a little - more diversity in your description.
There were also occasionally points where your description or phrasing was a little awkward. In the sixth paragraph, for example, you wrote, Annoying it was, stuck as a receptionist in a hotel. That felt a little awkward to me - the way you phrased the first part (Annoying it was as opposed to It was annoying) felt a little stiff, and the second part wasn't really a proper sentence. I'd recommend reworking it a little. (Incidentally, in the same paragraph you had a typo - "mu" instead of "my"). Later on, you also say, Dad laughed, frowning at Mum. That didn't really work for me - you can't really physically laugh and frown out someone at the same time, you know?
You forgot to capitalise Mum, Dad, Grandma, and Granddad once or twice - since you almost always did, I'm sure it was just a typo. A quick "find" should help you track down all the mentions and you can capitalise where necessary. Similarly, I noticed a few points where you incorrectly capitalised words after a section of dialogue (I think that each time it was the word "he," oddly enough - the hes in "He calmly wheezed, He groaned like a toddler, He asked abruptly,, and He continued to quiz me should all have been lowercase).
Finally (on the mechanical front), I also noticed that you seemed to struggle a little with dialogue tags. You formatted everything correctly (capitalisation and punctuation), but you were too liberal in what you treated as a dialogue tag.
The only description that should ever be attached to dialogue is something that directly describes what is being said. That includes verbs like said, called, yelled, whined, begged, asked, greeted… the list goes on and on, and I'm sure you can fill in other verbs.
What should not be included is anything else. As a few examples:
"Just think how fascinating it would be to watch them in their day to day life," Granddad Arthur fantasisied about it for a second. - There should be a period after life, because Arthur fantasising about working in a Muggle hotel is not directly describing what he said.
"Honestly, Rose, that's not funny," Mum rolled her eyes at me. - There should be a period rather than a comma after "funny," because Mum rolled her eyes at me is not directly describing how Hermione said, "Honestly, Rose, that's not funny.
"They look dashing, Dad," I tried not to hold back laughter. - Again, Rose trying not to hold back laughter (or was she trying to hold back laughter? It looked like that might be a typo) isn't directly describing what she said, so there should be a period after "Dad."
There's a great post in the "Grammar Guidelines" section about dialogue formatting that goes into more detail, and I highly recommend checking it out.
Okay. Now that I've picked apart your grammar and probably made you regret requesting a review :P, I'll move on to everything else.
You didn't specifically ask about story flow, but I'm going to address it anyway, because I think it's definitely one of your strongest points. You did an excellent job of breaking up the dialogue so that the chapter was readable and compelling. While I did wish that some of your descriptions of their interactions were a little more diverse, as I mentioned earlier, you generally did a good job with it - there was enough that I got a good sense of the scene without weighing it down. That can be very hard to do: I find that a lot of writers (myself often included) have difficulty balancing out dialogue and description to find a happy medium, and you've done a wonderful job of it.
I also thought that your characterisation was good. I think that you could have gone a little deeper with some of the canon characters - it felt like you were kind of reusing a lot of things that we know from canon (Ron eating quickly, Arthur loving Muggles, Molly getting tense about language) without really getting creative. I wanted to see a bit more of your own spin on the characters - something that makes sense in the context of canon (taking into account the passage of time, of course), but that we weren't explicitly told many times.
A good example of this was Ron complaining about his dress robes - that didn't come up very much in the books, but I can easily see Ron feeling that way and talking about it in the way you described. Another one was Hermione telling Rose that her joke about making Muggles see things wasn't funny - again, it's not really something that's explicitly covered in the books, but the idea that Hermione wouldn't find that funny makes perfect sense. I wanted more of that.
(character limit, see next review)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'll respond to it all in the next part of the review if that's okay. :)
Emma xx Report Review
Another touching chapter. I'm really glad I chose to review this one, it really is amazing.
Rose at Mark's funeral is very good, and I hope she does find happiness with Scorpius- making them both have the same loss was a good twist.
The line 'I missed beauty' was particularly genius, and with the description of the pond and the trees and the sunlight and the fish made a Garden of Eden very much at odds with Rose's feelings, which I thought was great!
The dream of being a grandmother was also very well written and touching. Keep it up!
-starryskiesAuthor's Response: Awww, thank you so much! Report Review
I'm here for the swap on the forum and I am so very glad I did because this was a great opening chapter. I like how you present your characters et backstory through action and not simple narrative. You did a great job with the descriptions and made the scene come alive with the many little details; it gave texture to the scene.
I think this story has a lot of potential. The characters seem interesting and Rose (I am guessing, is your main character) seems to be multi-dimensional; not just a perfect, one sided character.
Ithe one thing that put me off a bit is the quality of your writting. There are a lot of grammatical errors and ponctuations missing which breaks the rythm of your story. Also, you definitly need to decide on what verb tense you will go with : past or present because right now, you mix the two and that is also something that breaks the flow of the read. Here are a couple things I noticed :
"...Mum said he was like dad when it came to wating..."; I'm pretty sure you mean 'eating'
"...It had been the first day since I became twenty five two months ago that I had been free..."; I would suggest you add a coma in this sentence because it's hard to read ('... I became twenty five, two months ago, that I ...)
"...Annoying it was, stuck as a receptionist in a hotel. My cousins that had jobs that varied from ministry workers (Al) to therapists (Lucy)."; this doesn't flow; feels like words are missing or the sentences shouldn't be separated...
"..."Myy beard was on fire," He camly wheezed. "Now, do you knew where the nearest book shop is?"..."; there is an extra 'y' to 'my' and in the second piece of dialogue, it should be 'know' instead of 'knew'
"...Everyone at the table was not paying attention..."; that sounds wrong, it would be better if you said : 'no one at the table was paying attention...' or something like that.
Overall, I think it's a strong opening chapter. The story is interesting, the characters have flesh and your writting style is engaging with all the detailing and such. Sure the many errors take the reader away from the story from time to time but it's an easy fix; you have a good idea on your hands!
AkussaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I shall edit those grammar edits now. Actually, I sent this to my beta but I forgot to put their reply up. Ooops. I'll do that now. :) Report Review
Although this is pretty filler-y, you've set the scene amazingly. The pictures, and then the ring, and also all the references to hearts and beating, and the juxtaposition of life and death (Rose and Mark) is fantastic.
I especially liked the wedding dress, as it symbolised the start of their life together, although I'm going to admit that I didn't totally get the analogy with purity/whiteness and what it had to do with Rose...
Her acceptance of Mark's death while also still being in denial was cleverly written too... well done!
-starryskies xxAuthor's Response: Awww, thank you so much! Report Review
That is an emotionally draining chapter, I have to say. I think you've portrayed Rose's grief and disbelief very well. The details about Mark is what made this chapter really, along with Rose's insistence about their life together. It really was very powerful.
Rose's disbelief is very well written, and when you've combined that with her certainty like the line 'No more. No life, no love. ' it makes for pretty complex writing!
Another amazing chapter :) xxAuthor's Response: Ohmygawd, thank you so much! Report Review
Cor. I hate first chapters as most people try to introduce everything too fast, and it either becomes boring or information overload. You have not done this (wheee!), and its pretty awesome.
You've blended in the history of the characters and the introductions seamlessly into the piece and you are pretty funny! :P My favourite is Hugo with the eyeliner/lolly, and the old guy with his beard on fire. Made me chuckle, because I can really imagine my grandpa doing that, only he's got a moustache.
And the cliffy? Wow. Didn't expect that to happen in the first chapter, and the way you led up to it was great, explaining the wedding, and then about Mark, and then doing the 'knock knock'.
A few spelling mistakes at the start, but I really liked it!
-starryskiesAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I love this review so much. :) Report Review
Ahhh, first glimpse of Scorpius! :D :D :D Personally I've always imagined him to be blond :P but never mind - that's not important! He's here!
I loved this chapter - it's probably my favourite so far. The whole thing with the speech was perfect - the way Rose wanted to say it, to finish it, but still couldn't in the end. When she dropped the three items into the grave. I really liked how you mentioned her appearance - how she tried to look nice for him but it ended up ruined. It was very symbolic, but subtle which I liked ;)
The dream was wonderful. It was really well inserted into the general narrative, and it really enhanced what she'd lost - particularly what she thought she'd lost (the entire future she'd wanted). So sweet, but so angsty.
Keep writing! *pokes* I really enjoyed this! :D
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Awww, thanks so much! I love your reviews! You're so kind! Report Review
Wow. It's a bit short after the long chapter last time - but it works, I promise! :D The last one needed to be long because I lot had to happen, and this one needed to be short because it's very emotional, rather than plot-y (if you know what I mean!) and the shortness compacts the emotional-ness.
Rose's behaviour is perfect - she's cutting herself off from everything, trying to cope with it (and obviously failing) and just reminiscing over things, like everybody does when they lose someone. I really, really sympathised with her in this - probably more so than in the last one, tbh.
Just curious - any reason why she's drinking that specific drink rather than anything else? Does it remind her of him or something? Just a random question for you... :P
So far, I've really enjoyed this! Keep it up!
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Thanks so much!!
The reason she is drinking that specific drink is that it would be something lying around. Rose doesn't really care what it is in specifics as she has no care for anything much at the moment!
Emma xx Report Review
Aww, no! Even though I knew this was going to happen, I still didn't want it to! :( Poor Rose!
I think you did well to show Rose's shock and then grief at the thought and then eventuality of losing Mark. Her anger was understandable and I really sympathised with her over what happened. Mr and Mrs Holloway were brilliant too - I liked how their reactions were kept sort of in the background in order to focus on Rose.
The repetition of how they were going to married, have kids and grow old together was really good - it really showed her shock and unwilllingness to believe he was dead.
I really, really enjoyed that - a very powerful chapter, I think.
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! This took me about three weeks to write so I'm glad you liked it! It was very emotional for me to write as I planned out lots of details about Mark for future chapters and I got attached! But I'm glad you didn't want it to happen either!
Emma x Report Review
First off, I love the idea for this! The majority of Rose/Scorpius fics I've read (and that includes mine, lol) just get them together without any previous 'first-love' type characters, so it's brilliant that you're deviating from that.
I love the Weasley family stuff in this chapter - it's so good to see them all sitting down together and having Sunday lunch, you know, and the comment about them having been busy is really realistic as well. Everyone gets busy, but sometimes in fics that kinda gets forgotten.
The characterisation were good, too - obviously we didn't see much of them in this chapter, but the glimspes we got were fab. Ron seems so much like his canon self, which is brilliant.
I would have preferred some more description in this, but seriously don't take that to heart because I'm kinda description obsessed :P
Apart from that, it's lovely! The healer was amazing - I love the ending. It's kinda sharp and sudden and it works so well!
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Awww, thank you so much! I suck at responding to reviews but here goes!
I'm glad you liked it! And I'm glad you thought it was realistic as I am not normally good at that sort of thing.
I am kind of scared of writing canon characters so I am really glad to think you find Ron realistic! Thanks!
I know there is not much description in this but there is more in the latter chapters!
Thanks so much!
I'm here with your review for your great story!
Firstly, I love your characterisation. You've really got the relationship between Ron and Hermione really well and also his easy-going temperment (at times) and Hermione's sternness (is that a word?).
You can also see that both Rose and Hugo seem to have taken after their Dad! Molly and Arthur are great and Arthur's excitment over muggles is brilliant! :D
So the story - ooh! I like this so far. The idea of having Mark die is brilliant! (Not in a mean way of course :P) I think I've read a summary of this before - perhaps on TDA or something? I can't remember where so it was a surprise to be actually reading it! xD
Really great start and I'm going to go read the rest now!
Keira :)Author's Response: Thanks! This is such a lovely review and I'm glad you like it! I wonder where you heard the summary for this before... Probably at a banner request at the TDA?
Anyway, I'm going to leave your review now! Thanks,
Emma x Report Review
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