Elenia here from the review tag.
I love this! I mean wow. You're such a brilliant writer! This story just captivated me from the very first sentence and now I'm crying because there isn't another chapter for me to read! Update soon please?
Lyra is wonderful. I love her name btw, and how quirky and witty she is. I think you've made an amazing job creating her. I especially loved the necklace -part. Oh and the list she made while she! That made me chuckle out loud. And that's always a great sign! (:
James was annoying, but that's where you were heading so great job on him too! Can't wait to see his reaction when Lyra turns her act into a more flirting one.
Excellent job! You should definitely continue this story! I think it has the qualities to become a great one! Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the great review! I'm really glad you liked it, i'm trying to get the update done fast =)
Yay glad you liked Lyra and her name, I wanted it to be similar to her brothers but still pretty! I also wanted her to be quirky like Luna, but not exactly the same.
James is annoying! But hopefully he won't be forever hehe thanks again for the review! Report Review
Hey there! VioletBlade here with your somewhat late review, and I apologize for that! RL's been crazy, wouldn't you know?
So first off, I wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading your story! :) It was interesting, paced well, and funny!
Onto my actual review though!
Plot: I think you've moved the plot along nicely, and that there was enough detail and description about your characters without completely overloading the reader but not so little that we had no idea what was going on! :) I think the way you opened it was great, already showing the intense amnosity between Lyra and James! It was a unique plot line, and I think it has the potential to really go somewhere!
Characterization: I really like Lyra. She's quirky, she's got both of her parents in her, and best of all: I can relate to her. I think you've done well with her!
James: Your portrayal of him is very interesting. I mean, yes, he's portrayed as the guy who wants to win a Quidditch match so desperately he'll do just about anything, but he's also kind of got a really, really annoying streak too! Like the way he pushes the Quidditch team so hard, or the way he blurted out Lyra's personal life to everyone she knows, etc. It makes for a great flaw in the oh-so-perfect James we usually see!
I also like that you've focused in on Lysander and portrayed him as kind of the 'jerk' older brother. It's not a way I often seem him portrayed in stories like this!
Grammar: Nothing really stood out to me that took away from the story. The usage of italics was a bit off-putting though, they seemed to me to be a bit too frequent. There were also just a couple dialogue structure errors, but again, nothing big at all.
Thanks for requesting from me, and I do hope you continue on with this because I think it has great potential!
~VioletBladeAuthor's Response: No worries about the lateness! Thank you so much for this review, it has given me a lot of help. I'm really glad that you found it enjoyable and funny! I usually write more dark-ish stories so this is my first time giving humor a go.
I'm so glad you can see Lyra has both her parents in her, I want to make her both like Luna but not like her at the same time, if that makes any sense! And yes James definitely does have flaws, like everyone else =)
I wanted to make this story different to other ones out there so I thought I'd give Lysander a bit of a jerk-ish edge.
I've read through again and totally noticed the italics thing! So thanks for that I will fix it up.
Thanks so much again for the review, the feedback was really helpful and I will be continuing on with this story =) Report Review
I really like this ! You have serious talent :) and i love the single-minded determination Lyra has ! So have the next chapter out lickety-split pleaseAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! I'm really glad you like it =)
I'll try to have the next chap out asap. Report Review
..I quite like your concept of the story. It is something different from the other next-gen stories around, and I always like original writing. Your characterizations are also well-placed, and I can see some good development for later chapters as well. The flow and the narrative overall was nice too.
There were a few grammatical errors here and there which can be fixed easily by a re-read or a beta.
Rest, I think your story looks good, and you should definitely continue.
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review! I'm really glad to hear that it's a bit different, that's always what I'm aiming for when I write these stories.
And I will have another read over and see if I can find those errors.
Thanks =) Report Review
Hello! Nymphie Tonks here with your requested review!
This was a brilliant start to the chapter. It drew in my attention and had me interested right off the bat [Haha xD]. The characters and the situation were for sure believable. The love/hate relationship that seems to be going on is good. It, at first, seemed like any other love/hate relationship, but you did twist it a bit now that Lyra is going to try to convince James she’s in love with him. Just be cautious as you continue with that to make it believable. James should probably be a bit skeptical on her sudden change of heart, and how nice she’s going to have to be with him. But really, this was excellent in terms of believability.
My only concern with this, flow wise, would be the amount of dashes you use in the first section of writing. A couple of them are always good to vary the sentence structure and length, but I almost feel as if they were used too much. There were a couple places that could have used some other form of punctuation, like a colon or semi-colon.
Also, one sentence that really confused me in this: “Sometimes I think Lysander fancies it his sole purpose in life to make mine a living nightmare.” –I’m not quite sure what you were trying to say here…so you may want to look at that.
Things I really enjoyed in this chapter include the bits of humor that are added into Lyra’s character. They made me laugh. It really is realistic, the sarcastic comments in her head. I adore them. And actually, I’m going to share 3 of my favorite lines and then be done.
“Lyra, my little Salamander.” –I laughed. A lot. And I’m not quite sure why. But it was funny, James calling her that :D
“And let’s face it – playing tongue hockey with Fred Weasley isn’t exactly a life threatening situation.” –Hehe. This one made me giggle. :)
“Did I say he could be sort of nice sometimes? I take that back.” –Haha, this in addition to the “I’m not usually so violent, I swear.” Made me laugh. It’s just great! Really added to Lyra’s character!
Overall, this was a great chapter. Flow was great, and this was really easy to read! I loved it! [Let me know if you have any questions!] :D
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review I did find it very helpful! I'll definitely keep in mind about how James should be skeptical about Lyra's change in behaviour, I want to keep it as realistic as possible. And i'll go through and see if I can get rid of some of those dashes, even I realise that I use them too much sometimes. It's a bad habit lol I'm really glad you liked those lines too and the sarcastic comments! I have fun writing them.
Thanks again this really did help me out and I will probably re-request once I get chapter 2 out =) Report Review
Awesome!!!your a great writer!!!love the story so far!!!Author's Response: Thanks so much! Glad you liked it. Report Review
Please continue with this story! It's very good, and I would be dissapointed if it was abandoned... :( So keep writing! I really like this, and believe that the idea is original, and that the story will be very interesting :D
-Alex xoxoxoAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I will be continuing this story, wouldn't want to disappoint anyone =) Report Review
i love this story!
cant wait for next chapter.Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it, thanks! Report Review
Well, I really liked it! I like all of the characters and the idea and just, yeah.
Hope the chapters stay long!
UPDATE SOON!:D.Author's Response: Glad you liked it! I usually write pretty long chapters so they'll probably only get longer! I'll try my best to update soon, Thanks for the review. Report Review
I'm loving this story and it's only the first chapter!Author's Response: Thanks! That's good to hear :) Report Review
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