I liked this, no wait I'm sorry my like wasn't a perfect enough word to describe this adorable story. I'm sorry, I loved this one-shot and all the others I've read of yours I have such love for your stories, it's so, so, so great :)
LizzieAuthor's Response: Oh my gosh thank you so much!! It was my first attempt at a Draco/OC story so I'm glad you like it :D Your stories are amazing too and don't you forget it!
Thank you! *tackles with massive amount of hugs*
Jas Report Review
Draco on his own, I see! I love to see a bit more in that scene with his mother, since you say they're close. Knowing the Malfoy family, it's a huge deal to sort of... leave the nest in a way.
Woops! looks like you left an open italics tag.
Ah! She's a writer. I was wondering about that section about Sam and Lucy. Tehehe, Sam and demon reminded me of Supernatural. She likes writing fantasy, then?
Poor Draco. Can struggle through war; doesn't know how to buy coffee. Ha, she's quite forward isn't she? Asking about a death in the family so outright. Is she supposed to be really observant? I'm not sure if, for meeting someone the first time, she would figure out so much. Unless she's Sherlock ;D if you watch that.
Draco, you didn't even pay!
You've got an interesting start! ^__^ I think the idea of a muggle and Draco would be quite fun to play out. You might want to watch your scene transitions, because they sort of jump around. I don't know why Draco's in a coffee shop, for example. Also, I think you should show off Draco's personality a little more in your first chapter, beyond what he sees in Alice, because that's most of his observations right now - about her. Taking some time to set up the scene a bit more, and showing his background and where he is in his own life will go a long way.Author's Response: I love writing Draco! He's so fun!
Woops, thanks for pointing that out! I'll fix it asap.
Haha yeah my friend pointed that out when she read it as well (The Supernatural thing) Haha, watching wizards cope with muggle life is funny :P
Haha yeah I watch Sherlock :D She is just very observant.
Scene transitions? Well, I shall work on that then. Thanks for pointing that out :D
Thank you for such an amazing & helpful review!!
Jaz Report Review
Hi this is Rose m with your review!
I actually really enjoyed this chapter. I think I liked the fact that it was Draco and another character rather than the usual parings you get him with. It was a bit different and I think that helps!
I agree that it could use a tad more description just so we get a feel for what the characters look like and stuff.
I love the name of this by the way!
I liked how you started this and I think that this line He could taste the freedom. Was a great place to leave it before moving on to the next part.
I think for most of the story Draco seems in character but I also agree that his farther seemed a bit out. Like this line “It's about time the little brute left” I just couldn't imagine him saying that.
I do think the flow was pretty good to this though and there was no major spelling or grammar that I picked up on.
Overall, I thought it was interesting and would read the next chapter to find out what happens and I love to know what she did with the book lolAuthor's Response: Hi!
Thank you! Yeah, I got kind of sick of the common Draco pairings so I made my own! Haha.
Okay! More description for the next chapter whenever I go back and edit it!
Lucuis not good, gotcha! Thanks for pointing that out.
I'll defiantly be coming back for another review when the next chapter gets put up!
Jaz Report Review
Hi! I'm Dobby and I'm here for your reviewing purposes:)
The beginning paragraph intrigued me. What with Draco leaving his family and all. There were a few words in there that shouldn't have been capitalized, but that's really an easy fix.
This story definitely has promise. What would make it better though would be back story. What is Alice really like? To me, right now, she just seems like a normal girl just walking off the street. I know it's only the first chapter, but even some description of her appearance will help a reader better understand your story.
Also, it sort of moves kind of fast. Add some detail in there! :) Let yourself play with words until the perfect description rolls onto the page. What does the coffee shop look like? Is Claire morbidly obese or as skinny as a bean pole? Did Draco sit outside the coffee shop for a while, debating to go in or not? In fact, how did Draco even end up at the coffee shop? Those are all questions that, if answered, will make your story richer and better composed.
Overall, I think you have an good start at a story that could really take off. Any story has the ability to be great. Remember that!
-DobbyAuthor's Response: Hi!
Thank you! Yeah I have trouble with that but i'm getting a beta so hopefully they'll be fixed up soon :D
Yay! Back story? I tend to give a back story half way through the story; don't ask me why, it's just the way I write :D
If I ever go back and edit i'll be sure to put more description and imagery in it :)
Jaz Report Review
I really liked this! It was definitely an interesting way to begin a story:D
The first section about the Malfoys' reputation was very well-written. Even though I prefer the way they are depicted in the book (staying and not running away), I understand why you would use the film's plot: it says a lot about the family's character.
I also liked the way you portrayed Draco and his relationship with his parents. Don't you think, though, that he would miss his father as well? Draco and Lucius never seemed to have the best father/son relationship, yet by the end, I'm sure Draco would understand why his father was acting the way he was.
As for the character himself, I love this Draco and how he is weak and humanized. The fact that he's so kind with new people seems a bit OOC, but I guess since he's trying to make a new beginning, it makes sense.
Your OC, Alice, is a lovely character. She seems a regular girl, and I like how she's nice and smart as well: I loved how she understood some things about Draco. The best thing about her is where you first introduce, though: I really like the description of writing and how she feels about that.
I'd say that this is an interesting first chapter, and it definitely makes me read more: not because it has this huge cliffhanger or anything, but because I want to see more of these characters:D
~ AngieAuthor's Response: Thank you!
I prefer the book version as well but it's just that the movie version seemed to work better for the plot.
Thank you! I love writing about the Black/Malfoy families; they are so fun and unique. Yeah, I'm not great with characterisation, but I'm trying to get a beta so hopefully when I do they'll help with me with my characterisation.
I love Alice too! I am really sick of reading stories where the girl isn't realistic so I try and write my OCs like regular people. I'm glad that got across. Thank you! I tried to write how I felt when I finished my first novel.
Thank you! (ah, I say those words too much haha) this was an amazing review and made me feel so much happier after such a bad day. Thank you again! I'll defiantly be returning when the next chapter is up! :)
Jaz Report Review
Oooh, this is so interesting because I personally haven’t read any Draco/Muggle!OC fics. So I’m heading into this with high hopes of having it be believable!
Yes, that’s totally how I would see the Malfoy family after the war. They were a bit loser-ish in hiding as they did. Though it honestly sounds like you’re talking movie canon rather than book canon.
“His father was more to glad to see him go saying” - than?
“he was defiantly going to miss his mother” – definitely
A few more mishaps on spelling, punctuation and grammar but I think if you gave it a once over, or had someone look at it, it would be a-OK!
Do I sense some transference of your own thoughts on writing in Alice, hmm? :) Because that’s how I feel!
This interaction is funny between Draco, who’s finding out that he isn’t actually “all that” in the Muggle world, and Alice, who’s totally not getting the back-off aura. I smiled when he almost called Alice “Muggle”. It reminded me of this scene from the movie Enchanted where the Prince calls Robert and his daughter “Peasants”.
This was a good beginning. We’ve got Draco wanting to rebel and Alice wanting to change her life! Where will they take us next?Author's Response: Hey!
Thank you for such an amazing review! I read a Draco/OC a few months ago and I got entranced with the possibility of the shipping; I hope I did it justice!
Yeah, I am going by movie-canon for this story. Personally preferred the book ending for the Malfoy's but for the story this worked better :D
Thank you for pointing out those mistakes! I'm the progress of getting a beta so hopefully there won't be many mistakes soon.
Haha she is a fictional version of me I guess. I attempted to put myself in Alice's shoes when writing and she is one of my favourite OCs that I've ever written :)
Haha, that bit was fun to write! Haha, I want to watch that movie now! I haven't seen that in ages! I guess it does kind of mirror that haha.
Thank you for such an amazing review! it really made me smile :)
Jaz Report Review
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