It's Rosie from the blue vs bronze review battle! :)
Wow, I'm really loving this story so far! I absolutely loved your description--I actually saw the gnomes running around and Al falling in dirt in my head. Your word choice was wonderful, it really enhanced the quality of the writing.
Everyone was so in character, especially Harry and Teddy. I'm a die-hard Teddy/Victoire fan, but the fact that Teddy wants to break up with her just makes everything more dramatic and intriguing.
"Schadenfreude..." I was so confused when I first read it but I'm glad you included what it meant in the Author's Note. You really do learn something new every day! :P
This was a really good first chapter, I was smiling the whole time. :)
~Rosie Report Review
I like this story!
It's a light family drama. just the kind of story I enjoy very much.., and you're doing a very good job with it. I like your portrayal of the characters, and the plot is quite simple, yet interesting :D
I can't wait to read more Report Review
another great chapter! I really enjoyed seeing this one from Lily's point of view! I think you did a great job with her characterization. And the rumor continues to be spread! it's so crazy how fast rumors spread sometime and I can't wait to see hermione's reaction as I'm sure ginny will tell her! Great Job! i''m enjoying this very much!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Wow I really liked this chapter! it's a great beginning to your story and sets up your rumor very well! I loved Al in this as well and thought he was particularly well done! I enjoyed that you have his thoughts are what steers the rumor along to fit his wants and needs as they do sometimes! The chapter held me throughout the whole thing and found it very entertaining and love the bits with the garden! Thank you for entering my challenge!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Oooh this was great! I loved your introduction to Al and the family. I really liked the fact that you used an everyday task to start this story off - not everything starts which a shocking event or something. This is starting off with the ordinary for Albus but I can see how things are quickly going to change.
I'm now wondering what will happen next. Considering your story title, I'm guessing that Albus is going to let it slip that there are problems. But I sort of want to see what Teddy is going to choose without anyone else interfering/knowing about it first. Oh dear, I have a feeling this isn't going to end well for anybody haha!
MarinaAuthor's Response: Aw, I'm so glad you liked it. It was really important to me to depict the Potters as just a normal family - a typical teenager, a busy mother and an involved father, so I tried hard to lay the events of the story against that backdrop.
Yes, Albus will pass on what he has heard (or at least - his interpretation of what he has heard), and that news will make its way through the a number of family members, so subsequent chapters will show how the rumour spreads, and how it affects the people that hear it.
But don't worry, the final chapter will be from Teddy's POV, so you will get to find out what's actually going on in his head, and what decision he comes to - so your wish is my command!
Thanks so much for your review - Bronze rules! Report Review
Hi this is Rose m with you review.
Overall, I really liked this! It definitely seems like it could be interesting from how you left the chapter and I wanted to find out where it was going so I probably would read the next chap.
As for the characters, I liked Harry! I think you did him really well, and Teddy, but I was a bit unsure of Al. I couldn't picture him swearing either, but that might just be me. I think Ginny might have been slightly off at times too, but nothing major.
I think your description was more or less spot on and I think it was just the right balance. It seemed to flow pretty well
And I think your dialogue was fairly easy to follow!
Generally, I think you did a good job with the chap and I would want to read the next chap to find out what happens.
Good workAuthor's Response: Hi, Rose - thanks so much for your review.
Al and Ginny both feature in chapter 2, so if you don't mind, I'll be back on your review thread to see what you think of how I develop them both. Al is meant to be depicted just as a normal teenage boy having what he perceives as a bad day. Nothing more sinister than that. Ginny is a regular mum, who gets frustrated with her lazy teenagers:-)
I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, the next one should be posted soon (hopefully on the queue today!).
Thanks, Sophie. Report Review
Hello there! A gajillion apologies for taking so long! You ahve no idea how much school has been swamping me with homeworks.
Any who, I won't make a paragraph about why I'm late because that will lead to me rambling on pointless. So, let us get on with the review, shall we?
I saw a very different Albus! it's shocking! I don't usually see him hating on Victoire but I totally understand why. It's a normal teenage thing. Even I have it, so I suppose all is reasonable. But he's a bit too tad bitter don't you think? I still get the whole thing but he's so bitter in here. I don't know...I suppose I just got used to that bubbly Albus Potter. Mhm.
I don't know if you did this purposely or not but the story kind of shows how Albus is a true Slytherin (I consider him a freaking Slytherin!) because he wanted to get his way. Mhm.
I like the way you characterised Teddy. So original. You know, people just don't rush into relationships like the way most people write them so I thought you're story is very realistic.
Overall, I love it! Super-duper awesome story! Like always, you are such a awesome author.
Ta-ta for now,
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Hello hello! Always a pleasure to find your reviews:-) I'm so glad you could find the time.
Hmm. Al isn't to sound bitter, and he doesn't hate Victoire. He's just a normal teenager who thinks he's having a bad day, and idolises Teddy. I should probably take another look at him. You're right though - he does sound a touch Slytherin, doesn't he? I didn't actually have that in mind at all. And he gets worse in the next chapter:-)
Glad you liked Teddy, and the story. More to come soon!
Sophie x Report Review
Sorry it seemed to take so long for me to get to your review, but hopefully it will be worth the wait. For the most part you have set up a good story line. You have given me just enough information to wet my appetite and leave me wanting more. The flow and pace of the this chapter was nice. Even though it was a shorter chapter than what I have been reading lately for other stories, I rather thought this chapter was just the right length.
There was only one small grammar mistake that I noticed right at the begining: "grinning hat him" hat should be at.
Other than that I didn't see anything wrong with this chapter. I personally think that you and cambangst make a good editing team.
I am excited to see where the next chapter of this story is headed and hope that you will give me a heads up when the next chapter is up so that I can continue reading this.Author's Response: Hi there! No probs about the wait - I just appreciate your time to read and review.
I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter. I'm writing this as a challenge entry and it's fun to take a break from my novel length WIP to do it. The shorter chapters seem to suit the story, and I'm pleased they worked for you.
You're right, CambAngst is great to work with:-)
Thanks for pointing out the typo, I'll get that fixed. And the next chapter will be posted v. soon, so I'll hope back on your thread when it validates. I would love to get your further opinion, thanks so much for offering. Report Review
From the Blue vs bronze thread ^_^
This was a nice introductory chapter and I can sort of see where you're going with it from the rumour perspective. I liked that it was from Albus's point of view, it made the perspective of Harry and Teddy very interesting. I think he see's them as big role-models and maybe even idolizes them to a point of creating a god-like aura about them both from his own perception of them.
I would be very careful with your sentence structure and grammar. There was also a mistake I picked up on - "Al could have sworn it was grinning hat him." I think you meant 'grinning at him.'
Uhm, also characterisation was more or less okay. Be careful with Harry - and there were points Al sounded more like an eleven year old when sulking about Teddy and I thought he was meant to be older. So just be careful with the consistency in his character :P
But it was a nice start, well done! :)
HannahAuthor's Response: Hello! I'm really glad the way that Al idolises Teddy came through. That's really at the crux of the chapter. It isn't that he dislikes Victoire - he really doesn't. He just worships Teddy, and that colours how he responds to what he has just heard. In subsequent chapters, we will see what other characters make of the news.
I'll certainly watch out for how Al sounds. Thanks for the tip on that one, and for leaving such a thoughtful review.
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!
I've read quite a few Next Gen stories and I've seen people write Al's character in many ways. Your version of his characters was also quite different and it was interesting to see how he's so close to Teddy and not his brother. I like the general idea of your story and even though it doesn't really focus on much, it's a light story with a fun plot line and is executed nicely. I like reading the whole piece =)
You don't need to worry about Al's characterization. As you've said in your concerns, this version of him is quite different than what we usually see but it's a good change. However, one thing I did not really understand is, why is Albus so bitter? I mean, I can understand the feelings he has for his brother and that he wanted to enjoy his holidays but I did not understand his bitter thoughts and the general flow of his feelings. I mean I don't think that his parents, especially Harry would allow any sort of unhappy feelings to stay in his children's minds. He would try to make sure that they're happy no matter what, right?
Anyway, I did like you characterization of Harry. It was fun to see him unable to speak in favour of Albus in front of his wife and it was even interesting to see him talk to Teddy as father figure. I really liked the way you've created the relationship between Harry and Teddy; it shows how much Ted respects his godfather and how frank they are with each other. There's another little twist you added there with Teddy saying all that to Harry. I was quite surprised to realise that Teddy's right.. He really could want all that, and that it's not wrong of him. I wasn't as ecstatic as Albus =P, but I was still happy to see this new take on Teddy's and Victoire's relationship. Good idea there =)
Your descriptions were fantastic throughout the chapter! =) I could see that you've paid great attention to detail and that there were little errors. They way you described his feelings overall was very good and I liked the fact that you maintained the balance between emotional description and general descriptions. Good job!
The story is definitely interesting. I can't really say much at the moment seeing as there wasn't much on the original plot of the story but I can say that it's an interesting start and I would like to know how you carry on with Albus' character! =)
I hope you like this review and it helps you =) Feel free to re-request! Until next time, good luck and happy writing! =DAuthor's Response: Hello! Thanks for your considered, detailed and constructive review. It is much appreciated.
I'm pleased you liked what I did with Albus overall. It's a shame he came across as bitter, though. I was attempting to portray him as a regular teenage boy - just a bit sulky when things don't go his way, and interpreting everything he doesn't like as unfair. That's not to say I think he's unpleasant, just... immature at times.
The theme of the story is the rumour that Al is about to start about Teddy and Victoire. We'll watch it make it's way through the family, and we'll see how various members of the extended Weasley/Potter family react to it. So, I'm glad it seemed like a solid start.
I was thrilled that you liked what I did with Harry, as it's my first shot at writing him as an adult - I've written him a lot, but immediately post Hogwarts which has quite a different feel. I was also really happy that you had some sympathy for Teddy, and he didn't come across badly. Although let's remember, Al didn't hear the whole conversation:-)
I was also so pleased that you liked my descriptions. I just love writing something that puts the reader in the thick of the action, so it's great to know I've got it right.
Chapter 2 is nearly written, and I hope to get it on the queue soon. I would be delighted to know what you think moving forward, so look out for me on your review thread soon:-) Report Review
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