Review tag! :)
So, I really like this! The descriptions, especially at the beginning, are really beautiful, and you did an excellent job of making the classic kiss in the rain original and your own. I liked the contrasts between Dom and Victoire and how I get a good sense of Victoire without even meeting her, at least through Dom's eyes.
I feel so bad for Dom! Teddy is obviously playing both sisters, and she's too blinded by love to see it. It's really sad how she blames herself for corrupting Teddy, and doesn't see that it's just as much his fault. When he told her that he was proposing to Victoire it just seemed so unfair, that he would expect to keep doing with Dom while planning his proposal to his sister. Not that either of them are completely interested, but poor Dom shouldn't be blaming only herself. Ugh.
Well great job with this, I really loved the characterization and the writing was very beautifully constructed. :)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing.
I am glad you liked this as this is one of my favourite pieces (though it's in need of some polishing which I'll do when I get time). I am pleased you liked the classic rain scene and dthe contrasts between the sisters.
Yeah, Dom is too much in love with Teddy to see his faults. Well, its good to know that you could connect with the story emotionally, and that you feel for my characters.
Thanks a lot for your lovely review =) Report Review
This is quite sad for Dom :-( It's obvious that she cares deeply for Teddy. If only he wasn't with Victoire they could be happy. I kinda wish that Victoire wasn't in the picture so Dom and Teddy could be happy together. I can't wait to read the sequel now :D
Another very well written one shot, you are such a great writer and I've really been enjoying reading your stories :DAuthor's Response: Hi again! Yeah, it is quite sad, isn't it =( Yes, indeed, if only Teddy didnt choose Vic, they could be happy, but again, that didnt happen. I hope you like the sequel too!
Thanks so much for your kind words! Its great to hear you're enjoying my stories! Report Review
Hey Mya here from the tag!
I really loved the characterization and how Teddy wasn't actually perfect. I felt so bad for Dom but she was really strong.
Great work and I hope you do write whAt happens after Betrayal !Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing. I am glad you liked it, and the characterisations of Dom and Teddy. I'll see if I can write post-Betrayal, but thanks! Report Review
Ever since I read Betrayal I've been meaning to get round to this, so I was glad that I finally could!
I love the flashback as the kissing scene was great, enough fluff to make me satisfied, and not to overdone, and of course very well written! It was nice to see the differences between Victoire and Dom, and I guess in this story Dom seems to be the one who's more naturally suited to Teddy, due to them being free spirits!
I thought it was interesting that you made Dom rather selfish over the fact that she felt bad over make Teddy a cheater, but not so much over the fact she cheated on her sister's fiance. It was different twist to a common story which I liked!
I love Teddy so I hated him seeing playing the bad guy, by not wanting to break up with Dom but still get engaged to Vic. I think it worked though, as much as it pained me to see Teddy being kind of evil.
Another great one-shot from you, and the only CC is perhaps write on set after Betrayal, to see how the aftermath was! Kiana :)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing. I am glad that you could get a chance to read this too xD
I was a little concerned regarding the flashback so its great to know that you found it not overdone, and yet satisfactory. I always thought that Dom was more suited to Teddy as well ;)
I am glad you liked the twist. I wanted to show that the part of her that loves Teddy sort of "won over" the part of her that loves her sister, which was why she did what she did - and that was shown a little through the fact that she felt more guilty over making Teddy a cheater rather than guilty over cheating on Victoire.
I like to play around with my characters' personalities, and so I decided to depict Teddy as the selfish, greedy man who had such a "deprived" childhood that now he just wants more and more.
I'll see if I can write an aftermath to Betrayal. Thank you for all your valuable comments! Report Review
Hi there! Sorry about the wait, but better late than never :D
As you know, I review as I read, so disjointedness is a risk :P
The memory is so cute! The kiss in the rain has to be one of my favourite 'romancey things' to read! I like how Dominique knows its wrong but she still doesn't care! Shows how much she loves Teddy!
That is lasted seven months without them getting caught is amazing, especially seeing as Dominique is Victoire's sister! Her description of being the 'Older Woman' was very good! Its how I imagine being the 'Other Woman' would feel!
Heartbreaking ending! Poor Dom! When I read 'Betrayal' I thought Dom deserved everything she got, sleeping with her sisters boyfriend! But now I see that she loves Teddy every bit as much as Victoire does! And that is just heartbreaking!
Brilliant story! If you ever need another review, you know where I am! :DAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing! And don't worry about the delay, that's okay! My apologies for the delay in responding too!
I am glad you liked the kiss-in-the-rain. I was worried it was too cliche or you'd hate Dominique for it, but glad you took the positive angle and decided to focus on how much she loves Teddy!
Haha, well the fact that Dom and Vic dont live together did help things, though of course it was an awful thing to do. I was worried the "other woman" part was slightly melodramatic but I am happy you found it good!
Yeah, it broke my heart as well while writing the end to this - as well as to Betrayal - both the sisters love Teddy a lot, and it is really a shame that Teddy is kind of selfish to string both of them along, and then leave one for the other.
Thanks again for your lovely review, and I'll surely re-request if I need to! Report Review
Hey there, I'm from the Review Tag :)
So the previous time I read Betrayal, and I'm so glad I get to read the other side of the story i.e. Dominique's perspective. And you've done a really marvellous job in portraying her character as well. She is just so...lively and wholesome and springy. These lines were particularly beautiful : Dom decided it was one of the best moments in her life, running madly through the rain, splashing water everywhere, with Teddy in tow. She felt like a free bird, soaring giddily in her freedom.
That kiss in the rain scene just make me go warm and gushy inside, even though everything was just going to culminate in tragedy. Sigh. As for Teddy, I do find him rather needy and somewhat selfish...the way he really wants Dom to stick around to just - be there for him, even though he will marry her sister. I felt more for Dom than him in this story :)
I would advise you to break up Teddy's big speech there; I know it's supposed to be an outburst of emotion or something, but I think that it could be broken down, and interspersed with narrative just to make the flow of the story better :)
Well, I've really enjoyed this story and its sequel. They are both such sad tragic pieces, and I think you've really captured the characters' emotional states well. Lovely.
-tehAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
I am glad you read this too, though it would have been much nicer if you'd read Ending It first and then Betrayal xP Its good to know that you found Dom portrayed well.
I put in special effort in the kiss-in-the-rain scene so I am glad you liked it. Teddy is quite needy and selfish yeah.
Thanks for the advice, I'll work on breaking it down :)
thank you for reading once again! Report Review
Hmm...it's odd, reading this after reading Betrayal, when I was supposed to read it first, and it's interesting to see Dom's perspective of the whole muddle. In Betrayal, I felt really horrible for Victoire but here...well, my heart was aching for Dom, to tell you the truth!
You have a really lovely style of writing that just hooks me in. I was captivated from the very first sentence and loved everything about this one-shot. Your characterizations were spot on, descriptions and details perfect...and everything was SO believable. Everything that Teddy said was so real, and I could almost feel Dom's pain.
I really, really enjoyed this-great job!
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing! I always do like your short & sweetly thoughtful reviews :)
I know that it might have been a little weird reading Ending It after instead of before Betrayal, but lets just treat them as stand-alones shall we? xD
I was aiming for the readers to feel for Dom in this fic, just like I was aiming to feel for Vic in Betrayal, so its good to know that it had the desired effect in both!
Naw thanks, I am so flattered by hearing (or reading) you say that my style of writing hooks you, thanks.
I am so happy you enjoyed this! Thanks! Report Review
Oh I love this!
I know it's not necessary to read this before reading Betrayal, but it's so good and nice to see Dom's point of view.
I also think it's great to find out how they got together, and get to see what great mates Dom and Teddy were before and after their affair. The fact that she understood and listened to what he had to say, showed this too.
Also, the fact that she felt that he was
Victoire's, not hers was good, and I totally got where she was coming from.
I'm actually really excited to see where you go with Betrayal :D :D
-EmAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing! I am glad you liked it =)
Its good to know that you liked Dom's POV, and knowing how they got together, and the whole relationship dynamic of Teddy and Dom's relationship.
Thanks again! I am not sure I am going anywhere with Betrayal as of now, but lets see! Report Review
This is such a beautiful story! :D I especially like the part where Teddy was comparing Dominique with Victoire. And I really feel for poor Dom. :( As far as I am concerned there are no typos nor grammar mistakes! :D You really have a great way of writing. And the kiss in the rain, the whole scene actually, was just way too romantic and way too cute. I really really liked this story. Great job!
Xxx SLGAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing! I am glad you liked this story! I have just finished writing a sequel which I'll submit when the queue opens.
I feel for Dom as well, and am glad you could sympathise with her and liked the comparison part. Relief to know that there are no grammar mistakes! The kiss in the rain and stuff was a little cliche, I was afraid, but I am happy you found it cute! Thanks again for your review! Report Review
Tagging you from Review Tag!
So this was well outside of the norm for Next Gen romance fics on HPFF, so I commend you for thinking of something very original. You brought a lot of passion and emotion to these two characters. Each of them felt very real for being human and deeply flawed in their own way. It wasn't a "nice" story in the conventional sense, but it explored an aspect of human relationships that I think is much more common than people like to admit in polite company.
The flashback to their first night together was very nicely constructed. You made the differences between Dominique and Victoire very clear, and also gave us a really good idea of what Teddy finds irresistible about each of them. Victoire is his princess, his vision of perfection that he can never relinquish no matter how difficult she can be. Dom is the one that he really connects with, the one that understands him and enjoys the same things that he does. Victoire is is dream come true, but Dom is his reality. They fill two distinct roles in his life.
I loved the way that you wrote Dominique. She's so full of life and joy and energy. She gives of herself to a fault. But she also seems to live in a world of denial where Teddy is concerned. At some level, she knows how their relationship will end, how it must end. Instead of facing that truth, she chooses to ignore it and continue to pretend that the lie she's living can go on forever. She's beautiful and flawed, all at once. But in the end, she at least finds the moral fiber to insist on doing what's right, even if it took her quite a while to get to that point.
Teddy... well, I honestly don't like Teddy very much in this. I don't know whether that's the effect you were going for, but it's where I wound up. I found his speech to her at the end to be really selfish. He knows that he's breaking her heart, and he knows that she's the one who's actually doing the right thing. But he can't stop begging her to share herself with him, even if it's in a non-sexual way. I didn't feel a whole lot of concern for her feelings in his little speech. It was pretty shameless.
-- "You're too good Dom. I don't deserve you," he mumbled. - Amen to that.
I noticed on sentence that was rather oddly worded: "Three days later. On her birthday." Since he's talking about something that hasn't happened yet, wouldn't he say, "Three days from now."?
I think you took a really unusual but very human situation here and made something fairly special out of it. Nice job!Author's Response: Hi! First off, thanks a ton for reading and leaving such a long and thoughtful review :)
I am flattered to know that you think this is original, that you found my characters very human (thank god) and that you liked how I explored the whole "cheating" aspect.
I am always unsure when I write flashbacks so it's a relief to know that you think it was nicely constructed. And, all the thoughts on the way Vic & Dom fill distinct roles in Teddy's life - I couldn't have put it better myself xD
Yeah, I always imagined Dom to be this free-spirited person, yet vulnerable in a way when it comes to Teddy. She's beautiful and flawed, indeed. Ultimately though, I did want her to do the right thing, after all she loves her sister too, so I am glad your thoughts and mine are aligned in the same direction :)
Teddy is not written to be a very likeable character here, definitely. I actually put in the "traits" of my ex-boyfriend in Teddy here, so that was definitely the effect I was going for, haha. And yes, he doesn't deserve Dom. He doesn't deserve Vic either. He's too selfish and confused.
Oh yeah, thanks for catching on that. I can get a little messed up in sentence structures, so I'll make sure to correct that.
I am so happy reading your review, especially that you think this was "fairly special". Thank you!
Hello, I'm sorry this review is late - something IRL came up. :s
So, erm, I will admit I've been avoiding these Teddy-Dom-Victoire love triangles, because I tend to assume they're full of cliches. You know how it is, right? *sigh*
But anyway. This one-shot was a very entertaining piece, and you've shown the moral contradictions of your characters really well. It doesn't glorify cheating - Teddy is clearly not a good guy here, and Dom clearly needs to sort out her priorities too. Even Victoire, who's the most innocent of these three parties, is a difficult person to live with. It's really cool how you've written them like that.
I will say I'm not convinced that Teddy is in love with Victoire at all here, but maybe that's what you were actually trying to get across - reading this as Teddy trying to convince himself that he should be in love with her makes this piece even more interesting, because what the hell is up with that guy?
The structure of this, with the flashback and all that, is something that usually goes terribly wrong but doesn't here, so well done on that too.
Anyway, sorry for the lateness (again) and happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it. :)Author's Response: Hello! And no problem xD
It's good to know that even though you dodge the Teddy-Dom-Vic triangles, you chose to read this.
I am glad that you found this entertaining. I could never glorify cheating, and I hate to read stories that do, and thus I wrote this :) I am so happy that you think I have written my characters "cool" xD
Well, I leave it up to my readers to interpret whether Teddy loved Victoire, or he loved Dom, or neither. I just wanted to get across how confused and a little selfish he was. He wanted everything, yet he still didn't know what he wanted actually.
I am forever worrying whether my flashbacks work with the flow or not, but I am so relieved to know that you think that it worked fine.
Thanks a lot for reading & reviewing! Report Review
Oh my gosh the characters in this made me so angry! I hate that Dom would let the relationship start in the first place, I couldn't image my sister doing that to me or doing that to my sister. But she's also young and in love. Teddy, honestly I had no sympathy for him in this. Not that you didn't write it well, because you did a great job at working his emotions, I just think someone who can do that to not only two different women, but two sister, is terrible. He's destroyed Dom, and simply because *he* can't stand to be without her. He never thought of what this secret relationship would do to her heart, her emotions.
And even the fact that he thinks he has a chance at a happily married life with Victoire is insane, because he's already proved that he's not strong enough to resist someone else. Even if he does love that someone else. Having to end an affair so you can start a marriage just should never happen, and I want to ask him if he's crazy thinking that he has any chance at really finding happiness.
Most of all, I feel terrible for Victoire in this :(. I feel sad for Dom too, but she knew what she was doing. Vic has no idea any of this is happening to her. Regardless if she's a spoiled brat who throws fits, that doesn't give Teddy the right to treat her like this. She's just living in a dream world where the two people she loves most are betraying her and that made my heart break for her :(.
I loved how complicated you made all the things going on. This one shot kept me entertained and committed to finding out what happened the whole way!
Great writing :)!Author's Response: Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing. I am glad my story got such a strong reaction out of you, haha. I completely agree with you on everything, I have had a guy like Teddy in my life before, so I know he doesn't deserve sympathy lol. But he's a confused bloke so oh well. I definitely felt sad for the two girls when I finished writing this too. It is quite a heartbreaking situation eh.
I am happy you liked my fic overall though, thanks! Report Review
hey there :)
I really like this little on-shot. I think it was a good thought from you to start the chapter where she's crying and then goes into the flashback rather than the memory then her crying it makes the story seem more believable because I can just see imagine Dom sitting there thinking about him while crying. It also just went straight to the point of the story which is what I like in a one-shot.
You also played with my emotions. In most stories I prefer Teddy and Victoire together but in this story you made me feel a bit of sadness for Dom, I found myself wanting Teddy to be with her rather than Victoire because it seemed to me like you wrote Victoire as a really uptight character in Dom's point of view which i think was a good idea showing how jealous she is of her sister I really like Dom's character is this "Dom turned away from the guy she loved so much that it hurt, and focused on calming herself down. She needed to be rational, and not break into a fit of hysterics" - this quote shows how strong she is, most people after finding out the love of their life was getting married would break down, Dom however held herself together.
As far as Grammar and spelling goes I couldn't find really any mistakes at all. I'd rate this a 8/10, it was excellent story and i'd like to see more from youAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I am glad for your thoughtful comments. Happy to know you liked the story! Thanks! Report Review
Hello! I am True Author with your requested review! =]
Oh this was so romantic!! This story must have been very hard to write! but i think you did really good job. I must tell you that i liked the rainy romantic scene. you fitted it very well in the story. Teddy and Dom! wow i loved both of them! i liked your writing style too. oh and one more thing. i am not saying that u copied, but this exteremely reminded me of some indian romantic movies like Cocktail (you may not know them!).
anyways, good job!!
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Hello! Thanks for reading & reviewing!
It was a little hard to write yes but I managed it xD I am glad you think I did a good job and that you liked the rainy romantic scene. I am happy you liked my writing style, and haha really? Well actually I do know the movie - I am an Indian and I have watched it - but I wrote this story way before Cocktail came out xD
AD Report Review
Passing the parcel ^^
Ooh, this was so beautiful and heartwrenching! Such a bittersweet story! And what's even more amazing is that you managed to tell such a story in only a one-shot! That was just... wow!
I really like how mature you've made them both. The fact that they actually understand that what they are doing is wrong and that they need to stop it makes me like this even more. I hate it when some people make it sound like cheating is perfectly fine.
I'm not the biggest fan of flashbacks (even though I've used them myself too) but I think yours worked really well! The transition between the flashback and the present moment was perfect and it all just fit. So well done!
Teddy's 'speech' broke my heart! I really wanted him to just somehow manage to divide himself so he could be with both of them ^^
Well done. Such an amazing one-shot! You really are a talented writer and I really hope I'll find some time to read more of your stories! Especially if they're as brilliant as this one!
Keep up the good work!
~EleniaAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for picking this story to read and review. It's one of the closest to me =)
I am glad that you found this beautiful, heartwrenching, and bittersweet, as that's what I wanted it to be.
I am happy that you like how I have crafted both of them as mature characters, and I agree with you - cheating is not at all fine.
I am really glad that you found my flashback fitting when you are not fond of flashbacks much.
Aw, I wanted Teddy to do that too, sadly it can't be done. I am thrilled that you could feel the emotions I wanted to convey!
I am so flattered that you find me a talented writer, and want to come back to read more of my stories. I'll be honoured to receive more reviews from you!
Thanks so much for the wonderful review once again =) Report Review
Such a bittersweet story. Well I admit I’ve read several Victoire/Teddy/Dominique fic before but they were nothing like yours. Really. This was much more realistic and mature as you didn't glorify cheating ( as some fics sometimes do) and you had them realize that they were hurting others, which is extremely rare in cheating fics on fanfiction and fiction. I thought the relationship between Dominique and Teddy was also very realistic and they do have great chemistry together. I like the fact she didn’t get him in the end as in most stories I read that is the case. I liked how in the end she did put an end to their relationship so as to not to continue hurting her sister I mean it’s her sister and it showed that she did love her even though she was the other woman. ( Which is quite twisted after all her own sister but yeah stuff like that happen also in real life.)
What an amazing one shot. Well done! ( And a nice banner)
CleoAuthor's Response: Hey! Thank you for reading and reviewing. I dislike fics that glorify cheating that's why I wrote this one, and I am glad you liked it :) Thanks so much for the sweet review, I love how you pointed out all these things you liked. Thanks again! Report Review
Wow. Talk about awkward! This was definitely a type of pairing I never expected to read, but it was totally believable. Kudos to you on that part.
I think you captured just how desperate and selfish can be when they aren't getting something entirely from someone. They turn to another person, but instead of ending it with the original person, they need both to feel whole. One, or even both, of those people end up hurt in the end, and with Dominique's own pain, you captured that quite well.
I love how you also made Teddy feel like a victim in this. I wanted to hate him, I really did, even Dominique for betraying her sister in such a way, but I just couldn't. That's a sign of a well-written story, when those who should be flawed and uncharacteristically bad are sympathized with by the reader.
I really enjoyed this one-shot, and I can only imagine what would happen if Victoire ever found out about their fling.
P.S. I love that you used Zac Efron for Teddy. :DAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading & reviewing! I am glad that this was unexpected for you but you still found it believable :)
Ah, you're spot on, I couldn't have explained it better myself, and I am happy to know that you think I captured the scenario well.
Aw this really flattered me that you feel my story was a 'well-written' one where you could sympathize with Teddy's flawed and "bad" character.
I am glad you enjoyed it :) And yeah, I adore Zac xd
Thanks so much for the sweet review! Report Review
Ok, as promised, first comes what I think of your plot line:
I like the story, I really caught myself 'awing' (so did my roommate as I read it out loud) and thinking of how incredibly adorable the whole raining scene was. It was just absolutely perfect! Though it was also absolutely cliché. Everything from the rain and spinning, to the waist grabbing and falling to the ground and kissing. Though, so many things have happened romantically to people and stories in our lives it is hard to want to imagine anything else but this perfect scenario, so I do see why this adorable, I wish this girl were me, scene was written.
I do have a question about their ages though, because with the twirling, spinning, and chasing around, I would think they were very young in age (15/16) but by the way it sounds later (with him exiting her house) I get the feeling they are quite a bit older? Maybe around 23/25? Other than that, I really feel for Dom and Teddy! They would have made such an adorable pair in my eyes the way you wrote this story!
My only last critique about it are two things that happened that were extremely awkward to me. One is when he 'crashed' his lips onto hers. With the way the scene is played out, I really think the kiss would be much more gentle and passionate, as you later described it a few sentences later. The second is how his palm covered her mouth. I now see them in a puddle of mud, in the rain, with him trying to suffocate her. Maybe a finger on her lips would be a lot less aggressive and more loving! That was all I had a real problem with out of the entire story! :) Good job!
I really liked Dom, considering she is really a free-reign character who we know nothing about besides who raised her and who her sister and brother are. I loved how you portrayed her and how sweet, carefree, and innocent she was. I don't think I like the characterization of Teddy or Victiore too much, though. Victiore was raised by, yes Fleur, but also Bill. If Fleur can fall for Bill, I can't help but think she would have loved his life style as well, so I really see Victoire being a lot more humble in the matter of things Teddy does for her, but maybe being a little stuck up sometimes when it comes to other men. Since she already has Teddy, I don't think she would be quite as moody, but that's just my opinion.
Teddy on the other hand, we know was raised by his grandmother, Andromeda, with the male influence of Harry in his life. I can see him having a loving affair with Dom in the first place, because you did a wonderful job portraying that, but the way you described Victoire, I just don't see how he would ever fall in love with her in the first place. Especially after the spiel he gave to Dom about how perfect she was and how he wouldn't change her, but that he loves Vic more. Adorable that a man loves a woman for her flaws? Yes. Though I don't see Teddy being that passive about it because he was raised by a very strong, independent woman. Though there were extremely wonderful things about him that really made him seem almost in character. My one wish, however, would have been to see how in love he was with her as they were in the rain. While she looks up at him right before he kisses her, his hair changes color to something that recognizes as the color he wears when he is truly happy. That would have been nice (and added extra characterization and specialness to the memory) for me. :) Still beautifully written though.
Spelling and grammar:
I don't recall seeing any spelling mistakes, but there were a few grammatical ones. One that was constant and really captured my 'irk' button, was the lack of commas before addressing someone's name. “You are looking good Dom,” is not correct (at least I highly doubt it is, but I have been known to be wrong a time or two ;) lol). “You are looking good, Dom,” is the correct use of punctuation. I also wasn't a big one on the “I've to choose.” I know it is the same as “I have to choose,” but it seemed a lot harsher to read for me. It sort of broke the really good flow of the story you had going on. Other than that, there were a few awkward phrases. I don't remember them all, but the one that really came out was, “What's wrong suddenly?” It just seemed sort of awkward for him to ask her like that. I think without the word 'suddenly', it would have done well. I don't know if by suddenly he meant for the past few days, in the last few minutes, but if you want to expand, I think it would be a lot easier to read if it were like, “What's wrong? You haven't been yourself today/recently.” That is, of course, just my opinion. :) Otherwise, everything else was very good, and the story had an incredibly nice flow to it! :)
General liking of the story:
I really like the idea you came up with. I like Dom as a character a little more, and I really want to read some more Teddy fics just to see if anyone else has come up with interesting situations for him. The memory was a wonderful touch, and I got the feeling before you said it was 7 months after that it was a long time between then and now. I think you did a wonderful job! I will give it a 7/10! :)Author's Response: Hey! First off, thanks for such a detailed and sweet review :)
Aw you read out my story to your roommate? That's so flattering :) I am glad you like the story, and you found the rain, the kissing, and entire flashback cute, it seldom happens in reality, but this is fiction after all :D I totally wish that it happens with me too!! haha!
Well, about the ages, they're definitely not 15 or 16, they are just spinning and twirling because sometimes Adults seem to be childish too, and Dom is one person who is like that. I envision Dom to be around 20 or 21, and Teddy would be around 24 or 25 around :D I am happy to know you find Teddy & Dom an adorable pair!
Oh, I well I mentioned "crashing" of the lips, because it was in the heat of the moment, very sudden, and it started out as that, though later on changed into more passionate and gentle. Hope that's clear :) As for the palm thing, I think you're right. I'll change it to finger, thanks :)
Thanks for your comments on characterization :) I am glad you like Dom's character, that's how I always envisioned her to be. As for Victoire, I feel that we don't always project our behavior based on our parents, and everyone has their own personality. I just feel that Victoire has both Bill and Fleur in her, her beauty and charm, and her somewhat controlling nature, but she's moody as of her 'own accord', if you get what I mean. I say this because my own character traits are hardly an similar to my parents' even though they raised me. Hope that makes sense :)
As for Teddy, I think we don't have control over who we fall in love with, and I think love is very unexpected. I can say this, because I also fell in love with a guy who I never thought I could fall in love with, since he's so different from what I imagined I want in a guy. Yet I love him, and same way, Teddy loves Victoire, despite the way she is. After all, isn't love all about accepting the flaws? I understand that I showed Victoire as being quite flawed, but it was all from Dom's point of view, and it doesn't mean that she doesn't have any goodness about her - the part of her for which Teddy loves her.
The color change is a nice effect, and I think I'd do that. Thank you for the idea :)
Thanks for the pointers on grammar, I am not very good at it, still learning, so thanks for pointing them out, I'll re-read, and edit them soon enough xx
I am happy you like my idea, and that you think the memory was a nice touch, and that you felt it showed that 7 months had passed since that time. There are some really great Dom/Teddy/Victoire stories out there, you should definitely have a look at them! Thanks for the 7/10!
Thank you! Report Review
Hi :) The sentence "Teddy and she were best friends." should be "She and Teddy were best friends." This sentence "They had been since the past three years; since the day he’d come and confessed to her that he still liked Victoire, even after dating her back in the Hogwarts days for a brief period and then she having broken up with him, and that he needed her help to woo her sister once again. " needs to be reworded. It's kind of a run on, so what I suggest is changing it to "They had been since the past three years; since the day he’d come and confessed to her that he still liked Victoire, even after dating her back in the Hogwarts days for a brief period. She had broken up with him, and he needed her help to woo Victoire once again." This (I love you Dom, you know I do, it's just that I love her too, and unfortunately I think I love her more than I love you. ) is also a kind of run on, so I think you should change it to "I love you Dom, you know I do, it's just that I love her too, and unfortunately I think I love her more."
On a non-editorial note, I really like this story. :)Author's Response: Hello!
Thank you so much for reading & reviewing, and giving me all the little pointers to improve my story. I will do an edit soon :) And I am glad you liked it!
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Hey, LeCygne here with your review.
First, my overall, personal appreciation. To be honest, it wouldn't be the kind of story I'd spontaneously write or read. But there may be a great deal of machism in that.
Anyway, it's still very pleasantly written, so it was not going to prevent me from reviewing.
In order to put that aside as fast as I can and go on with compliments, my main problem: you barely skim the surface of your text's potential by yourself.
This text would be the perfect introduction for something longer, but as a one-shot, it lacks deepness. The movement is alright, you went through god changes and perturbations. But you go too fast with them. Way too fast.
We have barely the time to seize any psychological insight you hint that you've changed them with your next move.
As a whole, it leaves us with the impression of a pleasant but unfinished business we have to fill with our own clichés. The frustration is even greater because it's obvious you designed your character deeply, and only gave us a glimpse.
Apart from that pacing issue -I recommend fewer moves or longer text- your writing it self is good. The way you introduce descriptions, in the flow of your text, is perfect for a one-shot. We picture the ambiance well, with descriptions and general rythm and tone, wich is excellent.
Sorry for being harsh, that's kind of my style, and I deserve no less...But again, I'm never harsh with hopeless writers, only with those who can improve greatly.
Happy writing!Author's Response: Hey!
First off, thanks a lot for reading & reviewing this, especially when it's not the kind of story you usually write/read. I'm happy you think it's pleasantly written, thanks :)
Hmm, I was afraid over the deepness, but I admit I'm a little careless person when it comes to details, yet I'll try and see what I can do to give my text more potential, and enhance its density.
I am a fast paced person, and I feel lingering too long becomes draggy, that's the way it is for me when I read, so it comes out in my writing. I'm afraid I can't do much about that :( Yet I appreciate your comments.
Well, it was supposed to be a one-shot, and I essentially think of one-shots as glimpses/scenes from a story, and not as an independent story on itself, so I write that way. I'm sorry for your frustration though, I'll see what I can do when I edit :)
I am glad to know you think my writing is good, and the descriptions & flow is good for a one-shot, and you find the ambiance well along with the tone & rhythm. That makes me feel that I haven't completely disappointed you with the story, so thank you :)
It's okay, I don't mind harsh, and I appreciate your critical comments. I always welcome constructive criticism. I'll keep your comments in mind when I do an edit of the story.
Thank you again for reading & reviewing :) Report Review
Hiya! It's LivingFairytale from the forums with your requested review.
So let's start. I already said in my thread; I'm not very fond of next-gen. Not because I don't like it, actually because I know so little about it.. I never read a good next gen fic, so I think that's why I don't like it, but hey, I'm open minded, so i'll read everything. But I think you might have changed my opinion on next-gen fics..
I absolutely loved this! It was touchy, beautifully written and the characters seemed so real, so believable. I loved how you started off with a flash back, it fits in very well and it didn't bore me one second, it just kept me reading on.
I totally ran out of words, wow.. the moment Teddy told Dominique that he'd proposed to Victoire.. it was like my own heart broke, it was so sad.. Why can't he just stay with her? I'm sorry, I'm gonna cry in a corner now, lol. I've never read a next-gen story that drew me in like this, I've never read a story that made my emotions run wild. What an amazing one shot.
Well done, and thank you for letting me review such a wonderful one-shot. Keep up the great work!
- LivingfairytaleAuthor's Response: Hey!
Thanks for reading & reviewing!
Wow I am so thrilled if I was able to change your opinion on next-gen fics. I didn't used to be a big next-gen fan myself, but then I thought, hey its something we don't know about, means its a blank canvas, and you can paint anything you want! xD
I am so happy that you found this touchy, beautifully written and believable. And I'm relieved to know that the flashback made sense and didn't bore you :)
Aw, I am pleased to know that my story evoked your emotions, that's one of the highest compliments an author can get :)
Thanks a ton for your wonderful review!! Report Review
Yay for review swaps! ^_^
Alright, i'm going to jump straight in, so just bare with me, yes? Yes. :P
+ Teddy and she were best friends.
- I think this would be better as: 'She and Teddy were best friends.'
+'They had been since the past three years; since the day he’d come and confessed to her that he still liked Victoire, even after dating her back in the Hogwarts days for a brief period and then she having broken up with him, and that he needed her help to woo her sister once again.'
- This sentence is really long, and confusing. You'd be better off breaking it up into smaller ones, such as: "They'd been friends for the past three years; since the day he'd come to her confessing that he still had feelings for Victoire, even though they'd broken up after she'd left Hogwarts. He'd needed help to woo her sister once again, and Dom had agreed, not knowing she'd find her best friend in Teddy, while he maintained the on-off relationship with her sister." Something like that maybe? It's up to you. I just think it works better.
+“Three days later. On her birthday.”
- 'Three days later' is past tense, while they are discussing the future. It doesn't quite make sense. Something like:
"On her birthday..."
"That's in three days..." she murmured, and as the news sunk in, Dom felt as though her legs might give way beneath her. The air was gone from her lungs and all she wanted to do was hold Teddy Lupin and never let him go.'
Something like that. I feel having Dom say that it's three days away makes more sense, as Teddy being like, 'Oh, i'm going to propose to her in three days' doesn't sound right. It flows better with Dom saying it I think. But again, it's up to you. The rest of the sentences are fine, you just might want to look over those, as they interrupt the flow.
Characterisation - This was wonderful, and the flashback was excellently done. You really showed depth with the characters and Teddy was perfect, you really got a sense of why Dom felt that way towards him. In short, this was great.
Pacing and Flow - This was also great. Aside from the sentences I pointed out above, this flowed really well. The pacing was fine, as it was a one-shot, and really only one scene with a flash back, so there isn't anything to worry about, as such. As I said before, i'd just focus on those few sentences I pointed out, as they were a bit awkward, but other than that, this was fine :)
Dialogue - This was great, particularly at the beginning, although towards the end, I felt it became a bit forced. Not too much though, as it didn't interrupt my reading, but if you go back and edit those first few sentences, i'd have a play with the dialogue towards the end. Thought I won't worry about it too much, and wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't been reading it with a critical eye.
Description - This was absolutely beautiful in the flashback, the way you described the rain was just wonderful. It flowed well and really helped establish the scene. A sentence here or there though in the scene in the room would be great, although it works alright without.
Overall, I really enjoyed this, and am so glad that I offered to do this review swap, otherwise I don't think I ever would have read a pairing such as this one. You have a wonderful way of writing, and I am also just going to say that your banner is beautiful. ^_^
Anyway, well done and keep it up!
- Adele :)Author's Response: Thanks a lot for reading & reviewing! I'll keep all your comments in mind when I do an edit. They are very valuable to me :)
And I'm very glad you think my characters were "perfect", and that you found the flashback wonderful :)
Good to know the pacing and flow was fine as well, and I'll keep your pointers in mind xD
As for the dialogue, i'll see what I can do about the end. Thank you anyway :)
I'll see if I can add more description as well, though I'm glad overall you liked it, especially the flashback.
I am flattered to know that you think I have a wonderful way of writing. Thank you :) ..as for the banner, all credit goes to the artist :D
You're a great reviewer, giving so many details, thanks a lot for taking the time & effort to go through my story!! And I'm awfully sorry for the time I've taken to respond to this kind and constructive review :)
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Aww.. :'( That was a bit..okay.. A LOT sad! I'm tearing up! It was really so nice of Dom to let Teddy go like that and she knows the truth. Teddy and Victoire will always be together, no matter what, and for Dom to understand is just amazing.
I really love your characterisations and the way you write. Everything is so awesome in this story! :D 10/10Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading & reviewing. I am flattered this made you tear up. I am glad you liked the plot and the characterizations. Thanks a lot :) Report Review
This was beautiful! It's hard to find good Teddy/Dominique, and you have quite literally nailed it... any chance of writing something like this again? I'll keep watch!Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much! I am glad you find this good! Well, no plans as of yet, but I might write something like this in the near future :)
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Aw, this was a sad story. I think you portrayed Dominique and Teddy pretty well. I always picture Victoire to be prim and proper and Dominique to be the wild child, even though she didn't seem that wild in this one-shot.
I would have liked to have seen maybe a glimpse though of her and Victoire's sisterly relationship. It seemed sort of lacking that she would do that to her sister without it. Maybe if there was a scene with Victoire sort of Teddy-centered but not with Teddy where we could see them interact and see how the sisters treat each other. I think something like that would have really helped make your story better than it already is.
Like I said, it was sad, and you did a really good job of putting across the sadness from the very beginning. I liked how in the end she did put an end to their relationship so as to not to continue hurting her sister. This one-shot was very well written and I think you did a really good job with it.
xxEnigmaticEyes16Author's Response: I am glad you think I portrayed them too well. Well I didn't show dominique's wild side in this, because it was a sad theme, but I tried to show that she does have a wild side with that little flashback :)
Hmm, I didn't want to make the one shot too long, and my prime focus was Teddy & Dom, that's why I didnt show more about the 2 sisters relationship, but maybe when I do an edit, I'll throw in a flashback about them somewhere :D
I am glad you liked it overall, and the end, and you find it well-written. Thank you for your comments :)
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