Reading Reviews for Dear Diary
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Rosethorne Dear Diary: I was just kissed by Malfoy

26th February 2012:
Hi it's Rose m here with your review

Sorry this took me so long to get to. I have been ill and then I went on holiday.

Anyway, onto your review!

I actually really liked this story, I thought it was very cute too! I think your voice comes through in this, but I do agree that sometimes I think you need to put who's talking at least in this chapter.

I think your descriptions where okay, but I would have liked to have known what the characters looked like a bit more as well as the setting.

I actually thought the characterisations where really good in this and I loved the conversation between them all, it made me smile!

Overall, I thought this was a really interesting chapter and if you write anything else feel free to request a review again.

Really good job
~Sarah~

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Review #2, by Divine Dear Diary: I was just kissed by Malfoy

22nd February 2012:
pls continue writing fast
and i really hope it is LS story only strictly dont want that bitchybitch R coming any where near

Author's Response: Haha glad you like it and i will keep writing just trying to figure out the next chapter.
Cheers Estelle


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Review #3, by Dobby101 Dear Diary: I was just kissed by Malfoy

18th February 2012:
Hi! I'm sorry it took me so long to finally get to your review...I was swamped the past week with work. But I'm here now!

First, I really really like the fact that Lockie is gay. Don't ask me why, I don't really know. But besides from slash, there are never any characters depicted as gay. I also think that it fits in with the time period of this story. Because the next generation takes place basically in this time now, it's appropriate for the characters to speak to each other the way that they do...and to even have an openly gay character!

One thing that was quite confusing was when there was dialogue going on. It would have been nice if you would say who was saying what. Maybe in later chapters, it would have been okay to leave out the speaker's names, but since we are just getting to know your characters, it was sort of difficult to interpret who was saying what at some points.

Overall, I think you did a good job so far...keep improving!

-Dobby

Author's Response: Hey Dobby,
Thank you so much for the review i have re-read over this chapter and changed it made the dialogue easier to understand at the end and added in a few minor tweaks here and there.
I'm glad you like Lockie... he's pretty awesome
Thanks anyways for the review
Estelle


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Review #4, by Cassius Alcinder Dear Diary: I was just kissed by Malfoy

13th February 2012:
Here I am from the forums with your review!

This is an interesting start, the narrative voice you've given Lily seems to work well, and she seems like she will be a sympathetic and relatable main character. It's also interesting to think of her as being the one that is shy and unnoticed.

A suggestion might make is to include some more descriptions to help set the scene a little better. For example, when Scorpius came in and kissed Lily, it felt really random, like where did Scorpius come from and why is he here. I think it could have used a little more buildup. Also, as the other reviewers have mentioned about the amount of dialougue. Lastly, I would be careful about playing into some of the popular cliches, such as Scorpius being the Slytherin sex god with silvery orbs and quidditch toned abs, but on the other hand maybe that actually is how Lily would view him and it is from her perspective.

This chapter was very amusing, especially the interaction between Lily and her OC friends. Great start!

Author's Response: Hey thank you for replying :D
I am glad you like it.
I am currently looking over this first chapter so I will be sure to take what you say into consideration.
you're pointers have been very helpful, i am grateful thank you so much
Estelle X


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Review #5, by CloakAuror9 Dear Diary: I was just kissed by Malfoy

11th February 2012:
Hello there! *passes a bucket full of apologies*

I thought that the story was quiet quirky and interesting. Although, I must admit that I am not thoroughly interested about the idea of Lily being with Scorpius (because I ship ScorRose 'til my death) I still think that this is such an interesting story.

I think you could really improve the story by a whole lot if you go back and edit some stuff. I noticed that the story was kind of lacking of punctuations. Pelandra already pointed out a few of them and there are a few others but I won't go much into detail with that because I'm not a nitpicker (sorry.)

Another improvement you could work on, is longer descriptions or less dialogues. I know that it can be kind of tough, quiet often, to balance out everything in the story but the effort is really worth it.

Any who, these 'improvements' I mentioned are merely suggestions and you can ignore them if you want. I would not mind a single bit (:

Your characterisations is a bit strange/odd to me. I don't know if you're trying to stay away from all the cliches, but I found Rose being characterised as a 'sl*t' very weird. I don't know if I should take it in either a good way or a bad way, but in any case I like to think that it is for the better. I would really love to see a very different Rose Weasley.

Overall, a few minor changes could be made but other than that this was a really good start of a story. I do hope that everything ends up in the right direction for poor Rosie.

Ta,
CloakAuror9 xx

Author's Response: Hi there,
Thank you for the review, it means a lot to me.
I am currently going over this chapter because I will admit i wrote it in a rush.
I know that there is a lot of talking in it and very little description so that's what i am going over.
Everything will be sorted out in the end, and things will get better for Rose.
thanks again for the review it has been very helpful :D
Estelle X


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Review #6, by Perelandra Dear Diary: I was just kissed by Malfoy

10th February 2012:
My review was cut short much to my dislike. So sorry!

Lastly, you have a lot of dialogue and not enough description. You need to find a balance between your narration and the dialogue in order for the story to not feel flat. For example you have:

'“Yeah but it was to get back at Rose for screwing his best friend,” I pointed out.

“But he chose you, of all girls to kiss,” (You should add a period there considering its the end of the sentence.)

You can always write "But he chose you, of all girls to kiss," Velora said with a sly grin across her face.

Adding an extra line or two really helps with the flow of your story and makes it feel less choppy.

I suppose that's it! I accidentally have left you two reviews! XD If you update, look me up at the forums and re-request if I'm open.

Keep writing,

--Perelandra

Author's Response: First up thank you so much for the review :D
I will go over my chapter and change it, make it more detailed... i forgot how much talking i had in it :D
I am glad that you like my OC's and there will be more on them later in the story, :D
Thanks for pointing everything out for me, you've been a great help.
I will be sure to look you up again when I update :D
Thanks
Estelle


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Review #7, by Remus Dear Diary: I was just kissed by Malfoy

10th February 2012:
Hey! Perelandra here with your review!

This was good! I hope you get to write more.

This was, aside from good, interesting. Rose being the 'school slut' is definitely different as everyone one writes Rose to be Ms. Goodie Two Shoes, who happens to steal Scorpius heart. A Lily/Scorpius is different.

Your OCs cracked me up. I'm glad you gave them each their own personality but I hope that you continue this in order to develop them and the story. Why do they hate each other? What's Lockie doing to put up with all the bullying?

Alright now, you have some grammatical issues. For example:

“For once Lockie you have a good idea.”

I would have written it as "For once, Lockie, you have a good idea."

Also, formatting. You have about four lines in between when the usual is just single or double space between paragraphs.

Lastly, you have a lot of dialogue and not enough description. You need to find a balance between your narration and the dialogue in order for the story to not feel flat. For example you have:

'“Yeah but it was to get back at Rose for screwing his best friend,” I pointed out.

“But he chose you, of all girls to kiss,”

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