I thought that this was an excellent first venture into the angst genre. The descriptions here are sort of distant and delicate and allow the reader to really feel Penelope's vulnerability. I've always had a soft spot for Percy/Penelope... not that I dislike Audrey/Percy... I just love the fact that the pretentious, pompous teenaged Percy had a secret romance while at hogwarts. It brings a level of mortal humanity to his character.
This was so moving and brilliant. I've often wondered what happened to Penelope -- did they just grow apart after leaving Hogwarts? Did she die in the battle? This was a beautiful interpretation of it all and I absolutely adored the symbolism of the stone memorial throughout the story. Percy's fund for the memorial was really sweet as well.
Great one-shot!Author's Response: Hello again!
This is one of my favorite fics [that i've written, haha].
I've always meant to write some Percy/Audrey, so perhaps I will soon! Percy is fantastic! I think he's so real- he's just a bit annoying, and people generally are, so.
Thank you so much for the lovely review! You're a fab fab fab secret santa ♥ Report Review
Gahh, this was amazing. Just amazing.
I love that you chose to write about a minor character. :) I love them.
The whole piece was just wonderfully realistic. Not every student would have ran headfirst into the battle, wand blazing. Some would have been scared, but they would have done it in the end, because it was what they believed in. I like that you showed how Penny was terrified, but still fought in the Battle.
Percy's POV was lovely and so heartbreaking. The line about her not being "just dead" was really hard-hitting. Is that a word? Oh well. :)
The whole idea of the battle being documented through someone's photos was really creative, and something I haven't seen done before or even thought about.
This was really such a wonderful piece. Amazing! :)
- FAuthor's Response: Wow, thanks for the review! I am really fond of Penny, I always imagined her so clearly, and I think she is one of the strongest reflections of myself that I've written. Hard-Hitting is certainly a word. Well, I've used it before, so I hope it is :D Anyway, thank you so much for the brill review. If the other one made my day, this one made my week! Report Review
This was... Wow.Your writing style is so brilliant and beautiful and mesmerizing- every word just pulled me in Author's Response: merci beaucoup ♥ like I always say, you're so lovely! Report Review
Hi! Duckie here with your requested review. :)
First, I adore this plot. Penelope is such an interesting character and I always wondered what happened to her after graduation and whether she was at the Battle. I never even thought about her dying, since JKR didn't specify her fate, but it makes sense.
The very beginning was my favorite part. Penelope's musings about pennies in a fountain gave great insight to her character. I thought that was a very good way of characterizing her. I do think it would've been nice to know that she was a photographer prior to the battle scene, though. It felt a little abrupt, coming out right before she died.
I spotted a few recurring grammatical errors. You have a few extraneous commas throughout the story. I won't point them all out because that would take a lot of space, but I highly suggest reading your story aloud to yourself and see where the natural pauses are.
Another is that you need a few semicolons. If two thoughts you want to connect with a comma could stand alone as two sentences, you need to use a semicolon rather than a comma to separate them. Here's an example- "I would never show it to Percy, it would probably break his heart, but it was beautiful." The semicolon should be placed where the first comma is, as the first bit could be its own sentence, as could the part following "Percy."
There were a few tense issues in the beginning. Make sure your verbs all match in terms of tense. Example- "I watched my sister as she took a penny from her purse, and drop it into the fountain at Trafalgar Square." "Drop" should be "dropped."
I adored your voice in this! It flowed very nicely and it almost had a ghostly feel to it. It almost felt as if Penny was a ghost, looking on, even before she died. I'm not sure whether that was intentional, but it worked very well! Perfect for a photographer observing.
Overall, very good story! I loved the plot! :)Author's Response: Aww, thank you, this is a brilliant review! The grammar help is lovely, because i'm pretty rubbish in that area *dies* This was so, so helpful, and It's lovely to know that you liked my story :D Thanks thanks thanks xx Report Review
wow that was really beautiful. I think your writing is in a way-magical, oh the irony. It sort of enchanted me, it flowed so smoothly like liquid, and wow just wow. I really loved it, and I like that you used Penelope and Percy. It seems like we never see enough of them. Great job :)Author's Response: thank you so much you excellent human being ♥ you truly made my day! This was the sweetest review, and random reviews always make me smile. Stay spectacular, baby Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
I think that you did a great job with your story! Penelope Clearwater isn't a character most people write stories around and she certainly didn't play a major role in the books but you did a great job of making her more life-like.
You characterized her as a lonely person, scared and insecure, which I think suits her. Not everyone is brave in the face of danger and I don't think Percy would have fallen for a girl who was as bold and confident as his risk-taking brothers.
As well, I liked how you got these elements of her characterization across in the story. The idea that she will just be a name on a memorial someday is very good and the concept that she just accepts that she will only be a name shows a lot about her mentality at this point in her life.
As for how you built the story up, I think that you did a great job with it. The penny memory you wrote at the beginning did a great job of introducing Penny's mindset about her life and, through this, introducing the situation.
However, I was a little surprised that the Death Eater (at least I presume that it was a Death Eater that killed her) used such a slow method to kill her, without ensuring that she couldn't fight back. I would have thought that, in the heat of the battle, a quick method of defeating your enemies would be the preferred method of fighting. It did, however, allow time for Penelope to realize that she was dying and take those photos.
Overall, your word use and grammar was great. I did notice, though, a few small things. First of all, with "Perhaps she realise that people" it should be "will realise" due to the tense and purpose of the sentence. As well, with "not to weave through all the dead" I would delete the "not" - it makes it sound as though there is no dead to weave through (though this is more like a personal opinion).
I really liked how you used Percy's point of view to bring another perspective to the story. I always love it when authors use repetition well and you did a great job with the "perhaps one day..." idea.
The article at the end was a nice touch but I found the list of the dead you used a little odd. Was there any particular reason that you chose to single out the dead that you did? I doubt that, with the current racial problems in the Wizarding world, that they would have chosen to highlight the death of a house elf instead of another witch or wizard. However, that's just my opinion. :)
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this story, especially for it being your first try at angst. Thanks for requesting a review and I hope that my comments are helpful, and that I managed to comment on everything in your "Areas of Concern" section!Author's Response: thank you so much for taking the time to review my story! You definitely covered everything I asked you to, and you've been so, so helpful! Thank you for catching those typos- I can never quite get them all. The list of dead was a bit random, to be honest, and I never really thought about the use of an elf. However, now you mention it, it's certainly something to think about, and I might well edit it. I do have a reason for Penelope's death, however- (other than it helping the plot :D) If you look at the Death Eaters, they're generally quite sadistic, take Bellatrix Lestrange as an example, and I imagine using a curse such as that would probably seem like something enjoyable to do, for them.
Again, thank you so much for taking the time to review my story, it was a wonderful review! Report Review
wowers. that was haunting, haunting and sad and beautiuflly written.Author's Response: Thank you so much! It's lovely that you liked it :) Report Review
This was so GOOD! The way you started it off and then merged all her veiws on death and the memorials to the battle scene- the photographs, everything, it was beautiful.
I especially loved the idea of the photos that she took, and I can almost imagine them. It was really powerful and I like how you made it so she could capture the essence of the battle and all the emotions going through her and everyone else, then share it with the photos.
It was sad, but I love the way it ended. I can just imagine people in the generations after looking at those pictures and reading about the woman who sacrificed herself to document that moment in history.
It was truly beautiful and you wrote it well. No grammar or spelling mistakes that I could pick up on.
-Kerryn xxAuthor's Response: Hi!
Ohmygosh thanks! I'm so, so glad that you enjoyed this!
Wow... just wow... do you realise how amazing you've made me feel? You're so lovely, and so kind. It's funny that the photos were just a random afterthought. I am so thankful that you like it!
xx Report Review
I've finally found some time to read this.
It's really beautiful, the way you showed her thoughts about the dead and her own involvement and fear, or what she could or should have done more. I adored the analogy to the penny you kept throughout the narration.
Also, I really liked how you portrayed her view of Percy beside his dead brother, and the understanding of love despite the teasing and arguments between the siblings. Too often, Percy's portrayed as if witnessing Fred's death wouldn't affect him at all.
I always wondered why JKR paired Percy off with another woman, and not Penelope. This would certainly explain why, and gives a face to another one of those "fifty dead bodies" that Harry spots in the Great Hall. Poor Percy, and poor Penny!
Nothing much to comment on grammar-wise, so great work there!
All in all, a good piece from another POV during the final battle. It may have been your first try at angst, but I defintely found it worked.
xox LeoAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story! It's very good of you! Report Review
This is really an amazing story. I liked how it was done from Penelope's point of view then Percy's. I felt the angst build as the story went on and I gasped when Percy saw the gash in her back.
I think you characterized them both really well. A woman involved in a war no matter the how honorable the fight, is still a scared girl at heart. I think you showed that really well in her thoughts and in her final moments. Percy was intense. He was holding his dead brother Fred and never even knew that he was being watched upon from afar. Yet he was there and he brought her with him. He changed. Which I thought you wove in well. You even mentioned Remus which gave it that feeling of real characters no matter how good they are at a certain skill (his teaching defense) can still be gone in an instant.
I could just imagine what the picture she took must have looked like. It was almost like a large painting and your words were the paint and brush. It was vivid in my mind.
I did notice a couple of things that I will mention then give a suggestion about. I think your Grammar is ok. I'm not really good at grammar myself, but from what I can see it's not bad at all. Okay...
"Perhaps she realise that people called me Penny,"
This sentence sounds off I think maybe if you used she'll instead of the she?
"I could never live with the knowledge of standing by whilst all those bodies fell to the hard stone floor of the castle.I had to leave."
Spacing issue castle. I
"worked. Then he saw a black object beside where she had lain."
Spacing issue worked. Then
Overall, I thought that this was an excellent story about two characters that usually blend into the background and you brought them beautifully to the fore front.
If you have anything else that you would like reviewed I would be more than happy to read and review it.
Keep up the great work! =)
P.s. I am going to favorite this story.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the amazing review hun ♥ ♥ ♥
This was the sweetest review, thank you so much for the comments on my typos and stuff! I'll be sure to fix that up in my next edit sweep.
All your stuff was so nice. This review made my day. No MONTH.
oh wow, this was so beautiful. I loved the beginning part about the medaphores to the fountain and penny being her name. I thought the part about her taking the picture of Percy was so beautifully written; it really showed how everlasting their love could be.
I know this is a one-shot and all, but if you ever decide to write in this genere again I'd love to read how you would bring Percy through seeing the picture and him meeting Audrey after Penelope died.
Very great one-shot! I enjoyed reading it; it was very powerful! Good luck in your writing challenge for this!Author's Response: Omigod thank you so much! Sorry it took me so long to respond.
Anyhow, Thank you thank you thank you! This review was the sweetest ♥
I am actually *trying* to write a longer sequel to this, but it's taking me a while :o
Thank you again! Report Review
Hi! It's (kalie) from the forums, here to review your challenge entry! Thanks for entering! :)
This was beautiful. If I didn't issue this challenge, I would have never assumed that horror/angst was out of your comfort zone. I might even assume that horror/angst was your forte! You should write some more! ;)
I love everything about this. I'm not sure if I've read an angst story centered around Percy, but he was so sweet with the book and that was really refreshing to see. And I love how the beginning mentions pennies in the fountain, while the end mentions how she will never be forgotten. This was so touching. I feel so bad for them.
I really enjoyed reading this! Thanks for entering my challenge and sorry for such a late review!Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for reviewing :)
Serious? That's so nice :D I really enjoyed writing this, so I am actually in the process of writing more.
I don't normally read angst... Maybe that's why I did something a bit different. I actually came up with that because I always look at the pennies in fountains when I see fountains. I never give any, though. Dunno why.
Thank you very much, and sorry for such a late response. Report Review
Wow! I really loved this! I loved how at the beginning you had that inner thought about how she'd be forgotten in a way and just be another name.
I loved how you showed her fear and how she felt like a coward for hiding as she watched bodies fall and the dead order and good members lying dead while she hid. It felt really real.
Then the scene of her seeing Percy's family and seeing the beauty of the sadness, as you wrote that I imagined the scene and got the sense of raw beauty that grief has and her just wanting to capture it and document it.
Then I thought the end was actually quite beautiful in a sad way with Percy holding her and kissing her but then questioning himself after. And the way you linked the intro up with the end.
If this is your first attempt at angst then well bloody done!! Its hard to get the balence right and make it touching without depressing :) xAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing me so quickly! You certainly got around to it quicker than I did you.
Thank you so much! that means the world to me! I know that encouraging stuff like that helps me write so much ♥ I do think that is something you would worry about in a situation like that, personally. Also, I think Penny is quite insecure, so that spurred the thought on :D
That scene wasn't originally going to be in it, neither was Percy, but it suddenly came to me, and is certainly my favourite part. I could just imagine it as a photograph, and I think Penny would be a photographer, the way I imagine her, so I sort of put two and two together.
Thank you again, it means so much that someone likes my writing, and I hope i didn't make it too depressing. That would be bad :L I don't think I did, anyway.
Thanks so much for the review!!! Report Review
:'( Beautiful! I love this. It made me so sad, but happy for life at the same time :) You're a really good Angst writer - I might have to swing by your author page to check out what else you've written :)
Made me see Penelope in such a different way, as this isn't how I've ever seen her written. Was it definite that she was killed, or was it not specified?
Lots of love for this one-shot!
Emily x x [H-Hat]Author's Response: Oh my, thank you so much, it makes me feel amazing that you said that. I haven't really written anything else that angsty, but there is a sequel to this (longer, actually), in the pipeline.
I have never really read much Penelope, but I don't really have much time for the view that she's really boring and bookish. Being a bit of a ravenclaw myself, and also being a big fan of the Arts, i just think her being a photographer was the only way to go.
She was killed, definitely. I hate saying that, because I kinda want to resurrect her. But no :(
Thank you so much again,
xx Report Review
I'm quite surprised that this is your first try at angst! This was beautiful and sad and I felt for Penny so so much.
You gave real flesh to the bones of her character. Her insecurities were so believable and real and she kept to those even up to the end when she finally stepped out and overcame them, because she took that beautiful photo of Percy, yet she was vowing never to show it to him, probably because she was unsure as to what he would say. Percy, too, was well characterised. His idea for the book was sweet and sad too, it was a nice way to immortalise Penny and her work and the battle itself and all those who lost their lives.
The metaphor of the pennies in the pond was beautifully written. I loved how it linked in to her name and then at the end you brought the piece full circle with the same metaphor. Really well done.
A small thing about commas - I felt that you used too many commas at times, especially at the start. Generally a comma before "and" isn't necessary. A comma separates two clauses, which when separated should be able to make sense on their on. Sometimes your commas interrupted the flow a bit but it's a simple enough thing to rectify and it didn't affect the overall effect of the piece so it's only a minor thing, really.
Overall, I really enjoyed it and loved reading about Penny :)
MarinaAuthor's Response: Wow, really? I have no words to say how proud I am that you think it's good, because you are such an amazing writer yourself!
I always make sure that my characters have realistic insecurities, because I think that really helps ward off the ol' Mary-Sue.
I thought a book was a very Percy-ish thing to do, because he was always quite study-orientated, but yet I can imagine him making a great romantic gesture.
I didn't actually mean to bring it full circle, it just sort of happened, but I was very happy with it when it did. I usually have a lot of difficulty with metaphorical stuff, but I think (hope) this worked out well.
I'm terrible at commas! I will go through and fix that asap! Thank you SO much for pointing that out. It's very helpful.
Thank you, again,
xx Report Review
Oo, I did enjoy this. It was good. Very interesting in the way that you tied the fountain in with her name.
Really, I liked the plot, and for your first angst, this was incredibly well done. There were a few things that caught my eye though...
First off, have you edited this? Re-read it, etc? - eg. 'as he is hoping to publish to publish the photographs' - here you've got 'to publish' written twice, which i'm fairly sure wasn't on purpose. Also, you might want to check out Writers Resources on the forums. They have some really helpful topics that might be able to help your editing process (Writers Resources -> Grammar Guidelines, then go nuts) I spent ages reading through them before I figured out I was using commas wrong a lot. Check it out :)
Other than that, the only other thing you might want to look at is your formatting. It changes throughout the story - in the last part after Penny dies, you have some crazy spaces that you didn't have up above.
But other than that, this is really good. :) Well done, and I hope you step out of your comfort zone and write angst more often. ^_^
Cheers for requesting the review.
Keep up the good work,
Adele.Author's Response: Thank you! That means a lot to me, especially since this was a requested review â¥
I re-read this, and edited it, but my laptop sometimes doubles really random stuff when i copy&paste, and i didn't re-read it after I put it in the upload box thingy, so i'll have another look through, and maybe re-edit. I'll certainly check out the grammar guidlines.
My formatting is another thing they generally has a habit of going kooky, so i'll deffo have another look at that :)
Thank you again, it's so awesome of you to review so quick,
xx Report Review
So sad, yet amazingly beautiful! Also, your user name is awesome :)Author's Response: Thank you so much. It means so much to me :) As for the username, It was actually a bit random, part of my name (IE Charlie) and a Day... But thanks again Report Review
This was so lovely :) I'm so glad I read it. I loved your writing, I loved the concept and the POVs were wonderful. Everything wound together wonderfully and you could relate everything so perfectly. I loved the metaphors. Just wonderful. I think you should write more angst. you have talent for it!
AuroraAuthor's Response: Wow! This review has totally made my day, I feel so proud, and generally amazing. It's such a lovely review, thanks a whole heap! I will have a go at some more angst, but i must admit, it intimidates me a bit :)
Thank you again!
x Report Review
I am giving you your first review! How exciting, no? Anyhow, I love that this didn't immediately tell you who was speaking until the end but it was very well done! I don't see many things that have to do with Percy at all so I'd be happy if you did another, this was sad but so powerfully done that you shouldn't feel anxious that you made any mistakes. Anyhow, check out my work if you like and I will keep checking on yours! Until then!Author's Response: Thank you! It is VERY exciting. I didn't originally mean to not give away who was speaking, but i suppose it just sorta turned out like that. I might do a follow up. I'll see how I go. I always worry about mistakes, so it means a lot to me that you said that.
I would love to check out your work, but unfortunately it seems like you haven't logged in, so I can't see any of your work :( If you review something else of mine, or drop me a pm or a note in my mta over on the forums, then I'd love to take a look!
x Report Review
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