Reading Reviews for Time turner Mayhem
  
23 Reviews Found

Review #1, by JessiesGirl Lilies, Mudbloods and discussing Draco Malfoy = Hell

10th August 2012:
Wow, that really is a breathtaking chapter image! A nice follow up you have here; there's nothing I can really criticise with the exception of the few typos dotted here and there. Also, in a continuation of expressing my distaste for abbreviated versions of names I must confess how much I strongly detest the nickname 'Mione'. I could perhaps imagine somebody exceedingly irritating using it like Lavender Brown for instance but I think Ginny's a bit too sophisticated for it.

I couldn't help but chuckle at the concluding sentence; sounds a lot like my own personal idea of hell too. I really enjoyed your characterisation of Harry, and Ginny seems rather well done too. Again, I would have expected more theatrics from Draco but I suppose I could let this one slide taking into consideration how much I enjoy the witty banter being shared between the two.

Good second chapter.

JessiesGirl

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Review #2, by JessiesGirl Time turners suck!

10th August 2012:
Well, considering you requested this review from me nearly four months ago now I must confess that this has been sincerely poor time keeping on my part. For that I most sincerely apologise.

Nice strong start you have here; short and straight to the point! Time turner and Dramione; two very controversial concepts in the Harry Potter fanfiction world that I just happen to have a soft spot for. From what I do know about Dramione I can tell you that if you don't get the characterisation of the two subjects perfect it's going to be an automatic flop. You seem to be on the right track with both of them; there were only two niggling little things I managed to pick up on. First of all despite their steady, long-term friendship I just can't envisage Hermione referring to Ginny as 'Gin'. Not even Harry and Ron do that and they're a lot less well-read than she is. I'd also have expected a slightly more exaggerated response from Draco. I don't know, maybe I'm just being picky but I'd expect him to be slightly more disgusted.

Apart from that I didn't spot anything else too glaring - the odd typo here and there maybe but as a whole it's good. Your writing style seems promising; there's definite room for growth in that area but I wouldn't class that as a down side.

I like your concept; it shows a lot of promise for being a good read and haha I loved your chapter title (though personally I wouldn't mind having one myself. Who doesn't need more time?)

JessiesGirl

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Review #3, by Aiedail Time turners suck!

12th July 2012:
Hello, I'm here from the forums with your requested review :)

You asked me about flow, characterization and description, so I'm going to focus on these. THis is a short chapter, and I know there is another one after it, so just keep in mind that everything I have to say is just based on this chapter ;)

As for flow, I think you did a good job creating a coherent and continuous scene. There is a high plot to words ratio--a lot is happening really close together in the story, in other words--but nothing felt too random or like it came out of nowhere. I think that, though, flow could be slightly improved by giving us some insight into Hermione's head--what is she thinking when she wakes up? When Ginny, who is supposed to be her friend, isn't bothered? She doesn't have to be serious, because it seems like she'd have to have some kind of sense of humor to be with Malfoy who is quite sour here; but it would be nice to see a little bit of what she is thinking and it could offer a smoother transition, sort of padding, between dialogue bits.

Characterization is hard to address in a single chapter, but Hermione seems a bit more easygoing here than I would have expected, knowing her canon personality. HOWEVER, I know this is its own story, so, as far as this story goes, since this is the first chapter, I can't say too much. Draco seemed a bit overly aggressive here--I mean, I know he's had quite a shock, but he--and this is a bit nitpicky, I admit--reused the same phrasing a lot to express this shock. For someone like Draco who is very outspoken, it is sometimes interesting to play with characterization a bit and make him go absolutely silent when he's in shock--I think shock can turn us into someone uncharacteristic, if that makes sense at all. Anyway, like I said, it's hard to analyze too much in the first chapter.

To be totally honest, I feel that description could use a bit of a boost in this chapter. I think you did a good job setting up the problem itself, but it would be good use of description to describe the room, to take a little while to reveal the major plot point, and to really allow a reader to get her footing in the space. Specifically, is there a window, and is light coming in through it from the morning outside? What woke Hermione up? What does her scream sound like? What do the walls, the bedding, and Draco's early-morning face look like? THese are just examples of ideas, of course, but I was interested in seeing these details.

Also, this may be something you choose to disregard, but as far as I know, time turners can only take you back in time. Now, I'm not sure exactly whether or not this chapter implies that these two have traveled forward, but since the tt is missing now, I assume that's what is happening. Again, this is your story, so you can do what you will with canon information ;)

I hope that this review was able to give you the feedback you were looking for! Overall, this seems like a silly and fun situation, and I'm interested in how Hermione and Draco will handle not knowing what happened.

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Review #4, by FallenAmaranth Lilies, Mudbloods and discussing Draco Malfoy = Hell

13th June 2012:
Sorry for the delayed review! Too many exams :/

As for the story, I love it! Hermione was very definitely, well, Hermione, though I felt Draco could have done with a few more disgusted comments and glares to make him the Malfoy that he is ;)

Your punctuation is great and the chapter is very well structured. I can't sat anything bad about your description, because there is nothing to say other than - Brilliant! It really is amazingly written.

I'm definitely interested and want to read more, especially if Hermione's having a hen party - would love to see that! I'm a mega Draco/Hermione fan, so you've got my attention!

--Amaranth

Author's Response: Heya:D

Don't worry about the wait:) I totally understand. I'm really glad you like it!! ha ha I'll try to remember too add in a few more glares at least in the next chapter:D:D

I'm glad the punctuation is great though I owe all that to my wonderful beta's:D

:D I am hopefully going to write the hen party in, might take some planning:D

Thank you so much for your comment:D


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Review #5, by Angelique Aspis Lilies, Mudbloods and discussing Draco Malfoy = Hell

27th May 2012:
I've bookmarked this! Really great idea. Can't wait to discover who Draco thinks would mess with the time turner.

Author's Response: Awh thank you so much:D I hope you'll like who it turns out to be:D thank you for such the sweet comment:D

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Review #6, by magnolia_magic Lilies, Mudbloods and discussing Draco Malfoy = Hell

9th May 2012:
Hi Rose! Maggie here with your review :)

In your last chapter, I remember suggesting that you add a bit more detail. While I was reading this chapter, I saw huge improvements in that area, especially with visual details. I love your description of the Burrow decorated for the wedding. And I love that the balloons are pink...it's such a cheerful, cheesy wedding color, and it adds to the irony of the whole situation :) Even the little details you added (the creaky stairs, Malfoy's fingers playing with the bed sheet) add so much color and interest, and I really enjoyed reading it. Great job!

I did notice a few typos here and there, which can easily be fixed. I'll point out the ones that struck me most:

"Hermione surfed through yet another draw"
By "draw" do you mean "drawer?"

"Well if where here Malfoy and where in our future self's bodies"
In this line, "where" should be "we're"

"When you going to admit to yourself..."
This would make more sense if it said, "When are you going to admit to yourself"

Aside from that, I also ran across some punctuation issues throughout the chapter. I won't point those out, but I will suggest having a beta look at it on the forums. Betas can be incredibly helpful in cleaning things up and making stories easier to read :)

I really like Hermione in this chapter; I'm getting a better feel for her character, and so far I like what I'm seeing. My favorite line in the chapter was her saying, "If we were still at Hogwarts you could ask McGonagall for House points." That made me laugh, and I could just picture Hermione saying it. Now I'm excited to get to know Malfoy a little better...maybe in the next couple chapters you could spend some more time on him?

Also, I love the way you end this! I love how Malfoy hints at who stole the Time Turner, but we don't get to hear who it is. Nice way to build suspense for the next chapter! I know I'm interested in reading on :)

I'm enjoying this so far! If you have any specific questions feel free to PM me :)

--Maggie

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Review #7, by bookworm530 Lilies, Mudbloods and discussing Draco Malfoy = Hell

8th May 2012:
The grammar and dialogue could use some work (you wrote "draw" when is should be "drawer", "Wesley" when it should be "Weasley", etc) but the plot is still interesting so I'll probably be back...

Author's Response: Thank you for mentioning about the Grammar. I've had a beta look over it now so, it should be sorted out. I hope you come back, thanks again:D

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Review #8, by Broken Butterfly Time turners suck!

4th May 2012:
You have some spelling errors in the story, I would just double check on that if I were you. I love the story so far, it flows well and the plot is interesting. A missing time turner and I new time where Draco and Hermione must get married. Hmmm interesting. good work.

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Review #9, by littlered Lilies, Mudbloods and discussing Draco Malfoy = Hell

3rd May 2012:
Update update!! Great story.

Author's Response: :D thanks very much, I'll try to update soon:D

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Review #10, by ewsoucf7 Time turners suck!

11th April 2012:
Hey there!

Very interesting beginning. I haven't seen this sort of thing being done before, so I think so far so good. I would have liked for this to be longer (though I'm sure many have said that to you by now) just because I am a little greedy.

As I've already said, I think the plot so far is great because it isn't too cliche. I think your characterization is alright, but I think Hermione may have reacted a little differently to being called mudblood.

I like the mystery that is surrounding it at the moment too. Why is her timeturner missing? Were they together when they went back in time?

The only thing that is bugging me, is why she didn't know immediately that they had gone back in time. She did in canon, so I'm just wondering why? I'm sure you have your reasons though?

So far so good. Feel free to pop back to my thread for more feedback. =]

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Review #11, by RosieQueen Time turners suck!

10th April 2012:
It's Rosie with your requested review! :)

I think this is an interesting start to your story. I like the plot. But I think this chapter is way too short. The first chapter is what lures readers in. I was a bit confused while reading this chapter.

I did notice quite a few mistakes:

How much had he had?
This sentence is a bit confusing, the wording is a bit off. Try re-phrasing.

"What I am doing in your bed? It should be "What am I doing in your bed." Switch the "I" and "am" around.

"It would have to be a hell of a lot to bed you granger." This sentence should be: "It would have had to be a hell lot to be in a bed with you, Granger." Don't forget to capitalize the "G" in Granger.

I also think you've over-used the word "hell," because sometimes it seems out of place. (You remind me of Ron! :P)

Anyway I think this story had a good flow. It definitely has an engaging plot, which is wonderful. Keep on writing! :D

~Rosie

Author's Response: Hey Rosie!

I'm so sorry it took me a while to reply to your review.

I was off of HPPF for a while but hoping to get back into it. Thank you for your comment about the interesting start.

Yeah, I'€™m hoping to re do this chapter in the next few days so I'€™ll keep that in mind and I'€™ll try to make things easier to understand as I've had a few people bring that up.

Thank you for pointing out the above, I'll try to remember those as I go through. Ha-ha got it, cut back on the number of hells used :)

Thank you, hopefully the flow will improve even more though as I re write it.

Thank you for the reviewXD


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Review #12, by ScorpiusRose17 Time turners suck!

6th April 2012:
I really liked how you just jumped right into the action here in this chapter.

I think you did a good job portraying Hermione and Draco. Hermione and her bossy tone. Draco with his haughty attitude. The description was subtle, but worked. My intrigue has been sparked and I am curious to find out what happened to Hermione's time turner.

I think it flowed well, while short, it didn't have any messy transitions to it. I did notice a couple of typos here and there.

Overall, I think that you have a great start here. There is tons of room to stretch out and make this story truly one of a kind. I can't wait to see what happens! I love Dramiones!

Keep up the good work! =)

-SR17

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked how it started out! I'm glad you liked Draco and Hermione, I have written them for a while even though it took me this long to post a story with them! Glad you want to find out what happened too!! I couple of people have mentioned some typos so I'll check them out. Thank you so much that means a lot, really!! Ha-ha me too!

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Review #13, by WeepingWillows Time turners suck!

5th April 2012:
Okay so far it sounds good! But I did want to show you a few suggestions since I caught just a few errors while reading. :)



What I am doing in your bed? You might want to look around you Malfoy. The pairs eyes met until Malfoy glanced around and a smile played at Hermiones lips. So, how much did you drink last night?["] She asked and Malfoy scowled.

(I just noticed that you didn't finish that sentence with a quotation mark! So I added the quotation mark where it should be! Just a little error :) Nothing big or anything!) I also caught this:

It would have to be a hell of a lot to bed you g[G]ranger. (Her last name should be capitals :) But then I noticed that you did it in your other paragraphs so I just figured this was a typo!)

AND one more :)


Where [We're] in a different time, and my time turner is missing. We need to find it. We need to find that time turner.

I'm assuming that you meant We're in a different time so I thought I'd show you that little error.

OVERALL though I thought it was very good! It's a very good idea and I think that as the first chapter that the flow was also pretty good. Just a few edits would give it more of a good grammar flow :)

Characterization is good, and I loved how you had Hermione so shocked and also you wrote Ginny's non-surprised reaction very well! You have a very creative idea here. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Glad you liked it so far! Thanks for pointing out the grammar issues, I'll check over that! It's with beta's too so hopefully they might pick up on anything that I miss. I'm glad all the characters where in character, I was unsure when I wrote Ginny because I have never done her before!

Thank you it means so much that you think it's a creative idea


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Review #14, by LivingFairytale Time turners suck!

16th March 2012:
Hiya! As a huge Dramione shipper, I just had to read and review lol. First I was like- what the.. but then, the time turner, it made me laugh so hard! I really like where the story's heading. It was a little short, though. Maybe you should add a little more description to make it more pleasant to read? Don't get me wrong- I really like this chapter, but I felt like it needed more description.

Anyways, that was a great and hilarious start. I'm still giggling right now. Please update soon! Can't wait to read more. I already added it to my favourites. :)
x Livingfairytale

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!! Promise I'm working on the description; it's not my strong point. I'm glad it made you laugh too! I'm actually working on chapter two right now so, hopefully it should be up soon and thanks so much for adding it to your favourites that means a lot!!

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Review #15, by magnolia_magic Time turners suck!

11th March 2012:
Hi! magnolia_magic here with your review :)

This first chapter sparks my interest because it has a premise you don't see every day (in fact, I don't think I've ever read a story that started out this way.) I am interested in reading more, which is a definite plus for an introductory chapter :)

However, I do think you could add some things to improve the chapter that much more. For example, I would have liked to see some more detail about the characters. Even though Hermione, Draco, and Ginny are all canon characters that we know a lot about, it would still be good to develop them a bit more here. What's going on in their heads while all this is happening? How do they look, speak, and carry themselves? Little things like that scattered throughout the chapter would be a great addition.

Like I said, I love the plot you're setting up here. The idea of Hermione and Malfoy thrown into a future where their relationship is very different from the one they are used to--there are so many awesome possibilities with that, and I'd really like to see what you come up with for later chapters :)

I did have a couple questions about the plot though: If it's summer (the July 15th wedding is the next day), then why are they still in the dorms? And why would an engaged couple be at Hogwarts? Did Hermione and Draco get engaged while they were students? Some clarification on that would make for a more smooth flow.

Thanks so much for requesting! I think you've got an awesome idea, so definitely keep updating! I hope this review helps :)

--Maggie

Author's Response: Awh thanks so much, glad you liked it and that it made you want to read more!
I'm definitely working on the detail. I'm working on revising this chapter at min so I'll keep it in mind!
Good point about the date, arh I never even thought about it to be honest so I'll definitely check over that. Thanks for saying it's awesome and thanks for saying I could re request that means a lot to me


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Review #16, by ShieldSnitch3 Time turners suck!

25th February 2012:
Hey, ShieldSnitch3 from the forums here with your review (finally)! Sorry about the wait, btw.

So anyway, I must begin by saying that this highly amused me. I especially liked the first sentence, it caught my attention right away. Then I started reading and I was like, "Oh, no. Not another 'we got drunk and hooked up' story." But you managed to surprise me with the twist of the Time-Turner. So nice job with the twist, and I think you'll be able to milk a good plot/conflict out of it.

Hermione, Ginny, and Draco all seemed very much in character. Especially when Hermione and Draco were yelling at each other and Draco was leaving all of his snide comments. There are only a few things that I'd like to point out here. First of all, it seems un-Hermioneish for her to be laughing at Draco in the beginning. Why would she be laughing about the fact that they're both in the same bed? Also, when Ginny came in and Hermione and Draco were both hating on each other, shouldn't Ginny have wondered why the people who were getting married had no clue what was going on? I think those were my only issues with the characters. Other than those few things, good job :D

I think the flow was decent, but you could probably work on varying your sentence structure a bit. You used fairly simplistic sentences throughout. There's nothing wrong with that, but I've found that things tend to flow better when the structure varies between complex and simple. Going along with the flow, I'm going to comment on length. This felt very prologue-ish to me as it was so short. That being said, I thought that it was okay because it did draw me into the story and got the action/plot moving immediately. However, you're going to want to write longer chapters in the future to make the readers more invested.

I think my biggest issue was with the description. I think you described the /actions/ of the characters well, but there's so much more to description than just position and action. You should work on how they're saying something, how they're feeling. I'm assuming that Hermione was drunk/hungover, so shouldn't she have a headache or nausea? Also, the setting! What kind of room are they in? Is it dark or light, how is it decorated, etc.? Which leads me to a question. You said that they were in the heads' dorm, so they're still in school, but they're going to be married? That confused me :/

A last thing I'd like to point out is a little bit of an issue I have with the plot. When they used the Time-Turners in the third book, there were two Harrys and Hermiones, and the future Harry and Hermione couldn't let their past selves see them, right? So where's the other Draco and Hermione? That was my biggest problem with the plot, but maybe you're going to tackle that later on, I don't know :)

Um, I think that's it for now. I hope this review helped, and if it did, please feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter up!

Author's Response: Heya,

Thanks so much for the review and I'm glad you liked the first line :D ha-ha a lot of people have said that they thought it was going to be another drunk and hooked up story, but I’m glad I managed to surprise people.

Arh, thank you Hermione and Draco are my fav characters to write about so I’m glad they both seemed in character. Thank you for pointing those out, it’s currently with a couple of beta’s at the min and I’m doing a bit of a re write, so hopefully they will get sorted out. I’ll definitely try and make the chaps longer, I think it’s just cause I’m used to writing short ones.

Thanks for mentioning the heads dorms part too, I’ll definitely clean that up. To be honest I hadn’t noticed it until a couple of people pointed it out. Thanks for pointing it out about they couldn’t let their other self’s see them as well, I’ll keep that in mind!

Thanks so much for the helpful review!


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Review #17, by ReillyJade Time turners suck!

14th February 2012:
Ahhh, Dramione. Ron/Hermione is totally my OTP, but I've always had a soft spot for Dramione. Not sure if I'm allowed to like both, but oh well. I do. :p

I think you have an extremely interesting premise here, and you're off to a good start. At first I was skeptical; I was like oh, here we go, another drunken one-night stand story again, so kudos for not going that route! While it's fun to read sometimes, it's done far too often. So far, this seems like a pretty unique idea that I haven't seen before, so I'm interested to see how it all plays out.

However, I feel like this chapter relied too much on dialogue. The lack of detail made it difficult for me to really connect with the characters, so I think there is some room for improvement here. It doesn't even have to be anything major, either. It could be as simple as describing the appearance of the room, the expressions on their faces, etc. Just adding in a few extra descriptive sentences here and there could really give this piece a bit more substance and make it all the more interesting. :)

As for grammar/spelling, I did notice a few scattered errors throughout the piece, but they were all the type that are extremely easy to miss, especially in your own writing. I don't know about you, but when I read through my own stories, I tend to focus so much on flow that I end up missing so many of those pesky typos. If this something you find yourself struggling with, too, something that works for me is to read the story backwards, one sentence at a time. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it makes it so much easier to focus solely on grammar/spelling without the concern for characterization, flow, etc. getting in the way.

I really do think you're off to a solid start here, and you've certainly peaked my curiosity. Excellent job! :)

Author's Response: Lol I have always liked Dramione, I think you're allowed.

Thank you, I wanted it to be slightly different because I had seen a lot of stories with the drunken one night stands in them when I have flicked through as well. So I'm really glad it's worked out right!

Arh description, I think I hate that word! Narh, thanks for pointing it out, I do know that my stories lack in it, but I'm working on it, promise.

Thanks for mentioning the grammar side. I'm thinking of trying to find a beta for this, so hopefully when I edit it all that will be sorted out.

Thank you again for such a lovely review


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Review #18, by accioHPFF Time turners suck!

4th February 2012:
Sorry for the wait.

I think this is a good start, although there is a lot of room to grow with this.

This felt like a prologue, a brief introduction to a story. That's fine- I have used them before, and have word counts similar to this. I'm not saying this is too short, but I am saying that it's too brief. I was left crying out for description. It doesn't always have to be a lot of description, and it can be very concise, but there is room to add some.

I do like the plot idea you have set up here, although I was slightly confused. When did they go back in time from exactly, and to when? If they went back in time, and the story starts two days before their wedding, how can they have forgotten about their relationship? Maybe I'm just being slow here, but I am a bit confused there.

There were some grammar mistakes dotted through. Not using a capital letter for proper nouns or the opening word of a sentence was one thing, as well as confusion with a few homophones.

I like you hit the characters well, from the point of view's they would have shared at the end of the Battle of Hogwarts. There were the typical insults which all fitted, although 'mudblood' is one word, opposed to "mud blood".

I generally think there is a lot of potential with this, so I can't wait to see where this goes.

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Review #19, by Ashling586 Time turners suck!

2nd February 2012:
Sorry for the wait, but here I am with your review. First thing I have to suggest is that some of the gaps are way too big between the lines and can be a bit distracting. I felt that the pace of the chapter was fine and it flowed pretty well. There were quite a few grammar issues that made it hard to get into the story. For example:
Hermione looked and Malfoy and he shrugged. Whats going to be epic? And why dont you look surprised that where, that Malfoys in my bed? she said.= First thing wrong with this sentence is that and between looked and Malfoy, It would be better as she looked at malfoy and he shrugged. Secondly Hermione is asking Ginny two questions so it should be she asked not said.
you nearly had me then. = 1. since there is a period right before this then the "you" should be capitalized. 2. it would sound better as "You nearly had me there."
I always ware it= should be wear not ware
Where in a different time= should be We're in a different time

For the most part you have done a nice job setting up the story. You did a good job giving the reader just enough information to what the rest of the story is going to be about. Overall not too bad.

Author's Response: Don't worry about the wait: D I'm working on the gaps: D Hopefully they'll be sorted out when I revise the chap.

Thank you so much for pointing out the grammar issues, I'll try and check I get those okay when I revise.

I'm glad it was okay for you. Thank you so much for the review


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Review #20, by Aderyn Time turners suck!

2nd February 2012:
Hello! I'm here for your review.

I think that this story could have potential, but you definitely also have room to improve. You do create a hook in this first chapter: Hermione and Draco about to marry, but they time traveled. However, the set up of it all is a bit contrived, for example, how did they get into the future? I guess the memory loss has something to do with it, but that part confused me. I would try to explain that soon, to avoid any more confusion. Also, don't time turners work only to go into the past. (Though I guess it's conceivable they could go forward...)

I think this chapter needs a bit more description as well. While Hermione, Ginny and Draco seem in character, I don't get a sense of the setting of this. If Hermione was drunk, (is that what you implied?) then include something about her having a splitting headache, or maybe vague recollections/flashes of the night before. If she's confused, show this in how you describe how she sees the world (eg- blurred vision, blanks in her memory) don't just say so. That will really improve the caliber of your writing!

If I may make a suggestion, I think you might need a beta, or at least try to reread the chapter before posting. I saw a couple pretty obvious errors. Example:

"It would have to be a hell of a lot to bed you granger."

Remember to capitalize last names!

Also, the large amounts of space between paragraphs is a tad bit distracting. Try using the simple editor to cut out these spaces. That just makes the story easier to read. :D

Good luck with your further writing! And let me know if you have any questions about what I've said here!

Author's Response: Thank you for pointing those parts out! I'll definitely look at putting those in.

Arh description, I hate it lol I'm revising this chap at the min so I'll try and work on that when I do.

Thank you, I need to check my work better. I might see about getting a beta as well though.

I'm working on getting rid of the double spaces. I didn't know how to do it before, but have an idea now, thank you pointing it out though!

Thank you for your awesome review


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Review #21, by the_edge_of_love Time turners suck!

31st January 2012:
That seems like an interesting story! And with this as a first chapter, your readers would mots definitely want to read more:D

I can't tell you much about the plot from simply one chapter, but I can tell you this: the chapter had the element of surprise. You started this as an ordinary Draco/Hermione fic with them sleeping together because of alcohol. But then, when Ginny entered, you changed everything! This was an excellent tecnique, I have to say! Plus, you gave your story originality, and that will make the readers go on and read more, because this is not the cliche, they thought it would be when this begun.

From what little we saw of them, I believe that both Draco and Hermione are very in character. Especially Draco's reaction once he woke up was excellent!: I could definitely picture him calling her Mudblood, and believing she was in his bed.

The time turner idea is a good one, as well. I've never read a story in which they travel to the future, only to find themselves into the shoes of their future selfs. Where are future!Draco andf future!Hermione? Have they traveled to the past?

There are however, some things that I don't understand. Hermione takes her robe from from 'the hook on her head dorms door.' How can she be in her Head Dorm and yet be ready to marry Draco?

Also, this sentence didn't make sense immediately: 'How much had he had?' You might want to add: 'How much had he had to drink?'

Generally, you might like to read this one more time, because there are some places where you forgot a comma or a word. It's nothing big, you'll catch it easily;) There are no issues with grammar or structure, I simply believe there are some typos, like this one, for example: 'Hermione looked [and] Malfoy and he shrugged.' I believe you mean [to].

Overall, this was a great way to begin your story and to catch your readers' interest! I would definitely like to read more of this:D

Some advice, though: try editing your story using the simple editor. That way you'll avoid the huge gaps between paragraphs;)

I hope I've helped!

Feel free to re-request once you write the second chapter.

~ Angie

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so glad it wasn't cliche that was what I was going for! I hoped the time turner would give a different angle on it. I'm glad they where in character too. I loved writing Draco lol
Thank you for pointing that out about them still being in the dorms. I totally missed that. I'm working on changing that part.
Thank you for pointing out the typo's and things as well. I'm so happy to hear that the Grammar is alright. When I first got back into writing about a year ago now, I had to re learn all the Grammar stuff cause I hadn't really used it so forgot about it lol So, I'm really glad it's okay.
Thank you for the advice with the editor, I have been wondering how you got rid of the gaps, they where driving me crackers: D


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Review #22, by Dobby101 Time turners suck!

30th January 2012:
Hi! Let me just flat out be honest with you. When I first clicked into the story, I was not very excited to read it because of the way it was formatted with about two or three blank lines between words.

However, I was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

What you have here is a very good start to a story (though the formatting could still use tweaking...try only one blank line between paragraphs). I've never really delved too deep into the Hermione/Draco pairing, but this seems interesting and something I've never heard of before. You should definitely continue!!!

There is one thing though that I think could really better your writing: add more detail. Describe the environment. Are they in a dark, musky room or are there a lot of windows that let the sunshine pour in? You could also describe better what Hermione was exactly thinking. When I read this, I was think that this is just an excerpt from a chapter...but where is the actual chapter?

When I say where is the actual chapter, I mean to say that you could definitely keep adding on to the story and make it longer than 600 words. You could have them going downstairs and seeing everybody getting ready for the wedding, white flowers everywhere.

However, for 600 words, you did grab my interest. Very good job with that! I'm sure the plot will keep moving forward in upcoming chapters! Besides from a few spelling mistakes which can be easily fixed, good job!

Keep improving!
-Dobby :)

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for the review Dobby :)

I'm glad it grabbed your interest and I agree about the formatting. I tried to get rid of them, but couldn't figure out how. I think I have now though, so I'll try and get around to fixing those line spaces.

You found my weak area :) Yeah. My description needs I ton of work. I totally agree with you there.

I agree with you about adding more as well. I'm actually doing that at the min :)

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing it was a great help:)


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Review #23, by Oppugno Time turners suck!

25th January 2012:
Ooh cool plot idea...one that could have the makings of a very good Dramione...I look forward to reading more...

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! Next chap should be up soon:D

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