Wait, isn't Draco alive after he war?? He also has a son named Scorpius. It says in the end of Deathly Hallows(the book), when they are at the train station.
Even though, really nice story, I loved it!!Author's Response: Hello! Thank you very much for reviewing! Draco definitely survives the war in canon (in the books that JK Rowling wrote). In this fanfic, though, I was challenged to write an "alternate universe" genre where something is drastically different from the original books, hence Draco's fate. Thank you again for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it!
--Emily Report Review
This is such a lovely 'middle' and I think you portrayal of this family as a loving one is more than perfect. It's obvious they aren't overly lovey and bordering on sappy, bit it's also clear that they are still a loving one.
I really like that you have the Malfoys so excited to be rid of the dark lord. I think it makes perfect sense. I'm sure Lucius loved power, and that was his main reason for joining the ranks, then as soon as he realized this was no game - it as life or death, he quickly regretted it.
Narcissa is so sweet and soft in this toward him, with that underlying feeling of her being able to do whatever it takes to protect the ones she loves. You write her so, so well. And baby Draco! Ahh! I bet he was the cutest things as a baby. A pile of blonde hair!
The part where you said Draco would grow up hopefully without a war reminds me so much of the Potters. It's the realization that these two families both had these baby boys in a horrible time, each on different sides but both now having everything to lose.
Anyway, this is so really great. And considering it's labeled The Middle, I am safe to expect one more wonderful chapter, right?? ;)
JamiAuthor's Response: Hey Jami!
I was so excited to see that you'd had the chance to read this! Thank you so much for kicking me into gear and inspiring me to get it done. I'm so happy that you liked this chapter! I decided to start heading towards the "AU" parts of the story by shifting the Malfoys towards being happy about Voldemort's downfall. I think we know even in canon that Narcissa is fiercely protective of Draco. She lied to Lord Voldemort himself to protect her son! So I really thought that was important to show. And I liked the idea of Lucius really wanting to do what it takes to be a good father to Draco and a good husband to Narcissa. He knows he hasn't been around as much as he should, and I wanted to have that regret form his character (and influence it in the next chapter). I agree that Draco would have been the cutest baby ever! :D I think it's adorable to imagine. And I'm really glad that you think this chapter was well-written. I appreciate your reviews so much. You're right to expect one more chapter of this story ("The End") once it's written. :] I've never written a short story before, so I didn't want to make this massive, but I also didn't want to cop out too much. Hopefully I'll do the ending justice. I hope you'll enjoy it once I've finished it and posted it. Again, thank you so much for reviewing! I'm absolutely elated that you like this story.
--Emily Report Review
Aww, this was so sweet - I really enjoyed this! I'm a huge Lucius/Narcissa fan, and an even bigger Bella/Rodolphus fan (so the little mention of Bella/Roddy just really was the cherry on top of a lovely cake) so I was always going to like it, but this was wonderful!
I honestly couldn't really tell that it was AU - I didn't really think about it. Perhaps Lucius was a bit nicer than I expected, but he was still Lucius, if you know what I mean. He was still recognisable as the canon character, which was lovely. I loved the line 'Please, Narcissa, let me be a gentleman' - it was so Lucius and so teasing and arrogant at the same time. I can imagine Jason Isaacs actually saying it, which is great!
Narcissa was lovely too. I liked the reference to Andromeda - and it really fitted that it was short and not too over-the-top, which suggested that it had been a little while ago - and the mentions of Bellatrix. I've always thought the sisters' relationships were pretty important, and so I loved how you showed them in this.
Also, haha, Bellatrix would be a ferocious Beater. I would not like to play her. Ever.
Oh, one last thing - I loved the fact that Antonin Dolohov was in it as well, and that your OC, Calista, had a very 'pure-blood' sounding name, if you know what I mean. It would have been odd if she'd been called 'Kate' or something, lol. But yeah, the way you used other characters really made it feel real.
I really, really enjoyed this! Please write more - I'll come back if you do! :D
House Cup 2012! Woot, go 'Claws! :DAuthor's Response: Hey Aphoride!
This was an awesome review, thank you so much! I'm actually nearly done with the next chapter! :D I had completely forgotten that this story was supposed to be AU, so it's fine that you didn't see that yet. I think it will come into play in the last chapter of this story (it will be three chapters long). I'll let you know when I update. :] I'm really glad you liked the characters and the mentions of Bella. I love the idea of her being a Beater, haha. How crazy! Again, I'm so happy that you liked this. Thank you so much for reviewing! I'll let you know when the next chapter is up!
--Emily Report Review
So, I try really hard to give back to the reviewers that give me so much. Anyway, here I am!
I have really started becoming interested in the Malfoy family, which is what interested me in this. You did not disappoint, not in the slightest. This is a very well written story with a perfect flow and so far it seems to be developing a strong plot.
I think you have done a wonderful job creating the right atmosphere. I feel like the Blacks and Malfoys are a bit like royalty. I like the constant reminder in Cissy's head of family. Because I feel like with her blood, that is never something she would escape. Wondering what her family would think of her breakdown over being broken up with, of her feelings of weakness, of Lucius openly flirting with her, of her covering Lucius eyes..
It all fits and completely paints the perfect picture of the Black family and the type of life they grew up in.
You are doing an amazing job turning these into real characters, and I definitely see why you hard on descriptions, yours are wonderful!
The only thing - I see this is written for a challenge involving AU, I don't really know what AU is defined as, but I didn't get that impression with this. Obviously you have two more chapters to change that. Like I said, I really don't know how Alternate the universe has to be to count as that, so take that with a grain of salt ;)!
Amazing first chapter, darling! I'm excited to read what's next!
JamiAuthor's Response: Hello Jami!
Thank you so much for reviewing this! You've really inspired me to finish the next chapter. I'll be going to work on it as soon as I finish this response. ;] I'm really glad you liked this chapter. I've never written for either of the elder Malfoys, so it's definitely a task. I think it would be fun to imagine how they were when they were younger. I totally forgot this was AU, though. I wonder if I even have enough planned for it to fit that...huh. XD I'll let you know when I post the next chapter. I hope you'll read it! Thank you again for reviewing!
--Emily Report Review
Hey, Elenia here with your review (:
Oh, where to start! So many amazing things in this story that I simply adored!
First of all, I think it was very well written. You managed to capture my interest at the very beginning and it carried on the whole chapter! Amazing job there!
Descriptions were just perfect! Everything just worked and rolled on effortlessly. Pacing was just in time in every part, there was no dawdling and no rushing forwards, everything just fit.
About the characters, well I think they were a bit cheesy. That wouldn't matter if it was any other 'ship, but I've always pictured that Lucius and Narcissa would be a bit more cold and formal. And since they are both from such high-ranked pureblood families and respected their values more than anything, I don't think they would have gone out without their parentsí approval. At least that goes for Narcissa; we didn't hear Lucius' side, so maybe he did discuss the subject with his parents during the holidays. But other than that I think you did a very good job with them! Especially since they are a couple you don't normally write about! It's always hard to write out of your comfort-zone! At least itís for me (x
One thing that caught my attention was her choice of clothing. I can't picture them wearing anything but robes, since they are so muggle-apposed, so that's a thing I would change.
I hope this helped you even a bit! I really do want to see what happens next, so I hope you will come and re-request! I did like your story and I hope you didn't get upset, because I do think you are an amazing writer! Keep up the good work!
Oh, and good luck with your challenge! (:Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing for me! :D I really appreciate this. It's going to help me a lot when I get around to editing this chapter.
Thank you for all your compliments and your feedback on characterization. I'm having trouble with them...sigh. And I totally agree about the robes thing, but I always wonder what wizards wear UNDER their robes. You know? I figure they have to wear some kind of regular clothes, right? I dunno. I'm thinking on it. :]
Thanks again for everything. Have a great day!
--Emily Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!
Well, it's nice to read something written by you other than Rule Breaker. =) I like your idea and you basic concept here. This pairing is great one for me and I personally love reading their stories. =) I'm glad you chose to write on them.
Characterisation: If I may be very honest, I don't think that the characterisation of Lucius and Narcissa is very good here. It's cheesy, yes, but for me that wouldn't have mattered if you had gotten their basic personalities correct. And in my opinion, the formality level was alright, maybe a bit less than required.
Firstly, the part that bothered me the most was Narcissa's blushing. She shouldn't have blushed so many times like that! Especially at comments from Lucius Malfoy, who happens to be her family friend and a pureblood; so as a pureblood and her friend, he should already be paying compliments to her since forever and she should've been used to it. Secondly, Narcissa's a Black and she should have a air of pride around her which seemed to be lacking. The blushing made it seem like she was self-conscious, which I don't think is what she actually is. I agree that you could've made her friendly and loving, but I still think that the haughtiness should have been there.
You know, actions like: raising her head higher; looking down upon everyone who's not in Slytherin; even insulting people and most importantly, being used to Lucius' compliments; all these slight touches could've done a lot for your story even with the blushing. I hope you get what I mean and I'm really sorry for being so harsh =/ You did tell me to be strict, after all. If you get offended, tell me, and I'll apologize again =) Oh and I forgot to say that the way she dressed up and took care of every last detail to make sure she looked attractive was a very good action on her part; it shows how, being a pureblood, she pays attention to detail and expects others to do the same too =)
The bast part about Narcissa was her thoughts about Lucius. I liked the way she regards him and I like the way she seem to respect him and his status even when she is her equal in a way. That was a good detail you added to her character =)
Lucius was much better than Narcissa. I can perfectly understand his sentiments and his behaviour. His dialogues were formal and perfect, making him seem the like the real Lucius even more =)
The tone and voice of the chapter, overall is fine. Though, it will get even better with the improvements in the characterisation. I'm not saying that the characters should be scowling and insulting all the time, but it should at least show that they have those traits, right? I liked the fact that you've made Narcissa narrate the story; it gives you a very good opportunity to give her perception of Lucius and their entire relationship.
I like the way you describe the emotions and the surroundings. The fact that it's narrated gives the writer an advantage in description and you've utilised that advantage very well, adding tiny details and taking care of mentioning every minute action. I liked the description of this story, I can see how you've improved in that field =D
It's a good story overall and I like how you're taking it forwards =) My only problem was characterisation and as I'm unaware of the challenge having specifications on the characterisation, I've just written all I felt should be said. I hope it's not too bad and I hope that it doesn't offend you. It's your first attempt at these characters so it's understandable how you might make a few mistakes; I'm sure you'll do great int the next chapter and the challenge; you're a fast learner =)
Thanks for requesting and Best of Luck with the challenge! Until next time, Happy Writing!
P.S. Update Rule Breaker soon! I really wanna read ahead! =PAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for this review! :] I was so happy to hear from you.
I knew there was something wrong with the characterization... XD I'll fix it, I promise! I wasn't sure when Narcissa had become so cold and formal, so I was seeing if messing around and making her a bit girlier would help the story...I guess not. :] That's okay, I can change that. And I've barely started the second chapter, so her calmer, more loving characterization there (when she's alone with Lucius and they've been together for five years or so) probably makes more sense, though I'll check it out anyway.
I have the next chapter of Rule Breaker all laid out and ready to write! I just have to find the time to write it... :] I will definitely let you know, though, and I'd love to hear what you think of it.
Thank you so much for reviewing here. I really appreciate your honest feedback. It helps a lot! I'll be back at the thread soon, I'm sure. Thanks again!
--Emily Report Review
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