Hi, i'm here for your review! Sorry for how long it has taken but you know with school and all, it's hard to get to everything, but thank you so much for your patience.
So i think it's interesting and different that Snape has been harbouring a secret relationship for 15 years. That was definitely a surprise and i think it does make your story different from everyone else's because not many explore a relationship that Snape might actually have outside of Lily. So already you have an interesting premise based off of that and i think it's bold and challenging so great job with trying something new. I will say this though, i feel like there will be some convincing needed for me to believe this which i'm sure will come in further chapters. I say this because of what we know of Snape in the books and that even at the end he thought of Lily. I'd be curious to know how his wife sees that relationship. She seems to talk about it normally in her letters, even suggesting that he looks for the traits of this other woman that he loves/loved so i'd be interested to know how you approach that. I do think it's a unique approach and strong characterization of Snape when he says that Lily left him for someone else. It's like he doesn't take responsibility for anything that happened and refuses to think that it was him that drove her away. This makes me so curious to see how he's come to that conclusion and if it'll have an affect later in the story.
Some other things i noticed about Snape was him tearing his room apart seemed a little out of character. I did like that it showed his strong emotion towards this family of his because you could tell that those letters were incredibly important. But i also feel like Snape has been so emotionally detached at Hogwarts (especially since none of the staff even know about this union, he hasn't shown any sign of this sort of behaviour before) that i'd almost expect him to have that sort of detachment with looking for the letters. Detached is probably the wrong word, maybe this calmness and stoicness might better describe it.
I feel like there was a lot of changes in the POV which sort of threw me off a little and made it a little confusing to follow along. The spacing also threw me off as well. It seems like such a small thing but having those spaces between your paragraphs is distracting from the actual story.
I appreciated that you explored the dynamics between the trio and i think you have a fairly good start with Ron and Harry just ready to dive into anything and Hermione being the voice of reason. I think there would be more joking around between Ron and Harry as they realized what the letters were which would show their dislike for the teacher. The lead up to Harry being confused or not knowing what to think would be more believable.
I do think you have an interesting take on Snape and i think that this has potential to be very good. Thanks for requesting me and i hope that you found this review helpful
:DAuthor's Response: Hi there, thank you so much for the review and all of the feedback that you gave on this story. :)
~webeta123 Report Review
Hey there! Sorry for taking such a long time to get this review done. I really did take forever didn't I? So sorry! School has been in the way these days and oh! How I wish the torture would just stop.
Any who, on with the review. I think you're story is quiet original. I haven't seen anyone dare to write a s story about Snape being married secretly for 15 years. Mhm. Wonder how things are going to turn out? I wouldn't want to give you the wrong idea but as you already know I don't really like Hogwarts Era fanfiction but...since you requested I guess I'll just go on ahead.
So, the story is a bit confusing since you keep changing point of views and each view was rather short. If you want to deepen a character you keep sticking onto them. I know this can be very hard but trust me it works all the time.
There wasn't much interaction between the trio which I found very weird because those three always talk about everything. So I suppose, a bit more dialogue when it comes to them?
Also for Snape, this is a daft question but why didn't he just go 'Accio Letter' or something like that. I don't think that he would try and rip his room apart unless truly necessary. Also, why did Snape not deny that he was married if he kept it secret for 15 years and why did McGonagall didn't see the ring in the last few years?
I'm so sorry for the questions, there wasn't really much clarity given in the story. Or maybe its just me! I take forever to process certain things in my mind because they are overloaded with mathematical things. Argh.
Overall, a great story! 8/10 I'm really interested on how this mystery woman looks like! :P
Ta-ta for now,
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Hi there,
A lot of the questions that you gave will be answered in later chapters and thank you so much for the review :)
~webeta Report Review
Hi! I really like the meaning behind this story and the plot that is about to really start. It's AU, which is something I don't get to read very often. But you have a very good beginning with your story line. I like how Snape is still referring to Lily and that you didn't just cut her out of the story. That was a very smart move on your part...good job! :)
There were a few things that confused me a little. First, you continuously switch points of view between characters. In order to add more depth and personality to your story, it would be easier to use just one character. In your case, I would choose between either Snape or Harry. You see, when you switch between them, you are just telling the story, rather than showing the story. Once you pick one character to focus on, you can delve deeper into their thoughts, follow all of their actions and really show the reader what is going on. If you don't understand what I'm trying to say, simply shoot me a PM on the forums and I'll try to help you out a little more. :)
Also, this sort of intertwines with my last point, but we see so very little of Snape and Harry's reactions and feelings that they seem a bit out of character. Harry in Order of the Phoenix at this time would have been worrying about Voldemort or Sirius. Snape would have been at Order meetings talking about Order-like things.
I like the idea that you have Snape telling Harry what the letters were about and I'm curious as to what he will say, but just make sure you keep it Snape-like! Don't just have him keep talking about his life otherwise it will get boring. Have flashbacks, memories, interruptions and whatnot. This story has a lot of potential if you keep up a plot and certain action scenes (I don't mean like shooting spells at each other every five seconds, just something that will keep the story rolling along, maybe taking the view off of Snape's life for a little). It could be like a plot within a plot.
Overall, I thought you did a very good job. Your grammar and sentence structure were overall done very well. You definitely have the writing skill, now just keep working hard to develop your characters and your plot line!!!
-DobbyAuthor's Response: Hi there! First I wanted to thank you for reviewing at all because that is really important after all. And we will see more of Lily as time goes on.
Second, the main reason I've been going back and forth between Snape and Harry is that there is a healthy balance between each of them and the entire scope can be seen. Though I am going to try and show their emotions a bit better so that I won't be just telling.
Also, I am going to explain why Snape isn't as worried about the Order things and Sirius is going to make some more appearances as time goes on, so be sure to stay tuned ;)
And, there is going to be plenty of interruptions, memories etc. in the story to come I promise :)
And again thank you so much for all that you have said and the advice you have given :D
~webeta123 Report Review
Hey there, Webeta! Its AC here with your review :)
I'm entirely sure that I've most definately talked to you at some point, but I can't for the life of me work out when it was/what it was about. I recognise your name though. ANYWAY, that's irrelevant and I usually try to keep the irrelevant rambling levels down at least untill I've actually started reading.
Okay, so I feel like you have a really good start to what seems like quite an orginal story here. I've never read anything about Snape being secretly married and having a family elsewhere, and I won't lie that I find the whole idea very entertaining.
Almost as entertaining, in fact, as the idea of Snape sans Robe. Not as in /naked/ but just in his trousers and his shirt, as Minnie saw him - it just seems like such a strange thing to happen. Unatural, really.
I really liked the way you tied the letters in with cannon - Harry searching for the map - and the first couple of paragraphs were especially enganging on that front. However, I thought Harry's reaction to the letter was slightly off fromhis character. I think they'd be a lot more laughing and commenting. I can imagine Harry and Ron reading the letters together and Ron just being like "Perfect Harmony?" and then saying something crude and awkward to mock Snape. I actually just think Harry needs to laugh a lot about the whole thing, especially himself being mentioned, before he starts taking it more seriously and getting intrigued about things.
The only other thing I'd say is that you sometimes phrase things in quite a strange or awkward way. I'll pick out a couple of examples that threw me off reading a little bit. Okay, damn, I've gone back and I can't find them anymore. Should have copied and pasted it as I was reading, but never mind... Well, anyway, I'd just suggested going back through it and reading it allowed - then all the bits that seem slightly awkward will become more so when you say them, and then you can just go back and edit them slightly.
I loved the little gems of humour you threw into this chapter and I'm really glad that I got a chance to come and read. It was definately interesting and I'd by lying if I said I didn't want to read the rest and find out more about our favourite potions professor's +1
Anyway, thank you very much! I hope that this was at least a little useful, and please feel free to rerequest at any time :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Hi there AC
First I wanted to tell you thank you so much for reviewing my story. All of your advice is extremely helpful and I will try and follow through with them.
Also, the main reason that Harry and Ron didn't really comment all that much when it came to the letters was that I wanted to convey more the format that the letter was written rather than their reactions to said letter.
Like I said before I am so glad that you enjoyed this story and I will definitely be rerequesting.
~webeta Report Review
And now I shall love you webeta for starting a Snape/OC for me to read...just a couple of days I was looking for a new one to fall. In love with. What a great start I can not wait to find out more about Snape's 'secret' life!!Author's Response: Hi there DGR.
I blush :D, thank you so much for the awesome review and I hope that I don't disappoint.
~webeta123 Report Review
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