Hi! I'd thought I'd pop by, since I had time on my hands!
So, the flow of this chapter was mostly smooth, a bit choppy at times. You'll want to be careful about changing the point of view so often. You may want to consider just changing POV every 5-8 paragraphs, instead of every 2-3. Or switch off every chapter.
There were a few grammar mistakes. Sentences that could use fixing, maybe a missing comma here or there. I'd request a beta at the forums. Not sure if you already have an account there, but it's a great resource to help with writing and I highly reccomend using it.
I think your plot's good so far. All of your characters are very consistent so far. Nothing is too absurd. Sometimes you see that at the beginning of a story. For example, the main character will pull off an extraordinary peice of magic on their first day back, and they're in fourth year. It's just realistic is what I'm trying to say and that's a good thing.
One thing that did stick with me was the beginning. Albus woke up and didn't even spend 3 minutes in bed before Ginny was yelling at him. Maybe put in a paragraph where he's, I dunno, thinking or something? Just a suggestion. Also, another random little thing that stuck is when you were in Rose POV, you said, 'Harry is an Auror too,' or something to that effect. Anyway, since you had been using past tense so far, (ex. "What time is it?" Rose asked.) you'd say 'Harry was an Auror too,' even though he still is an Auror in present time.
Anyway, I think it's a good start, and I'm going to read the rest now!
~Delia Report Review
Good chapter. Kept me entertained. Yea! Scorpious likes Rose!
Sorry so short today, I'm on the run! See you next chapter :) Report Review
Lets give the kids a chance to really notice each other, I will guess six more chapters. Lets see some bonding moments. Lets blow up the potions classroom, on purpose for some odd reason. Get them together and stir up some trouble. I have always had this theory that if these two ever became a couple that they would come up with the solution to world peace, but thats just my openion lol.
Very good chapter, I enjoyed it Report Review
This is such a great story! I enjoy reading it so much! You've got awesome characters and I especially love the relationship between Al and Rose. It's so sweet the way he listens to her. James is, of course, absolutely hilarious. He makes me laugh almost every time he opens his mouth. I can't wait for more of Rose's two guys and Al dealing with his father!
The only thing I can think of to suggest would just be to slow it down a little. At times it seems a little bit rushed, but other than that I love this story! I'm looking forward to more updates!Author's Response: Thanks for the review :) The next few chapters will be of a similar pace but I'm planning on slowing it down a bit more after chapter 11 which I'm writing now. Thank you for reading :) Report Review
Hmmm, I am curious as to how and why Rose likes Scorpius and Teddy. There isn't much said about either of them. What are they like?
Al's duel was interesting. I'm surprised nobody told that the Slytherin used an Unforgivable, though. But I liked Al's honesty. He seems like a great character. Report Review
YES! Rose/Scorpius forever! But the Teddy thig definitely surprised me. I wonder: which one does she like more?
One part really confused me. "no way, even if he did know, that A) he would like her back, after all, she was a Weasley, and B) her parents wouldn’t ever let her be with him." The negative are very confusing. Since "there was no way" came before the numbers, it should say her parents "would" let her be with him, not "wouldn't" or make both points negative and change the "no way." I'm not entirely sure I phrased that coherently, but I hope it makes sense.
This chapter definitely is the beginning of the excitement. I really like that you threw in her liking Teddy instead of the cliche 'getting Scorpius to notice Rose' plot line. Report Review
Except for the last part, there wasn't much Rose in this chapter. I hope to see more of her soon! Also, I'm assuming it is Scorpius she likes? Report Review
I didn't think Harry would be lenient with his son in class, bt is he being extra strict? Or does it just seem that way because Albus wasn't entirely behaving? Although, I blame whoever called the class a waste of time!
This chapter was short. I definitely feel like there could have been more. Report Review
I must say, Harry Potter as DADA teachers was a bit predictable (not in a bad way, though). I am interested to see how the Weasleys/Potters react and why he didn't tell them.
Your characters don't seem to have much personality yet. But I'm sure that they will begin to develop soon. I just want you to know to watch out for that.
Overall, I don't have much to say about this chapter. It wasn't particularly exciting, but it was still good. And it will be interesting to see Harry teach DADA. Report Review
I think this story is well written. However, some things were repetitive and did not really need to be mentioned. Anybody who reads HPFF probably already knows that Hermione was one of the Trio.
Otherwise, I found this chapter enjoyable. Cliches seem to be cleverly avoided and you've added some nice touches.Author's Response: Thanks for all of your reviews, I completely understand all of the points you're making and I'll get them sorted as soon as :) Report Review
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