I don't know why you said your writing isn't all that great, this is amazing (or amazayn if we're making one direction puns).
this dark and thoughtful and genuinely well-written. i'm jealous of your fabulous (or fabulouis, i'm sorry i have a problem) writing skills.
I think that voldemort is very much in character, i mean it's really tough to portray him. i think you did a pretty good job.
I loved this ♥ ♥ ♥
carey :) xAuthor's Response: Oopsy I didn't even see these.
Aaah thank you so much! (that's alright, I don't have a problem with 1d puns ;))
Oh wow thank you! That is such a massive compliment, thank you!
Aah and thank you! He is quite strange to write, so I'm glad you thought he was in character.
Thank you so so much for the fabulouis review! (thought I'd throw one in there).
Thank youuu ♥
Hello :) I'm here with your eighth review ;D
This was really fantastic! I enjoyed reading this a lot, and I loved the plotline throughout the whole thing! I hope you continue with it because you've left me longing to read more!:)
I loved that Death was a woman at first and how you had Voldemort switch bodies with Bill. But I didn't like how Charlie was dead >:'( hehe :)
Overall great chapter once again! Well done :) Lucy :)Author's Response: Heyy :D
Oooh thank you :) Ooh thanks, I'm so glad you wanted more!
Thank you! I really enjoyed writing Death, I think he's probably my favourite character I've written! Aww well that had to happen for this ;)
Caitlin :) Report Review
I'm not sure how much of this story is in Bill's head and how much is real to be honest. Did you mean it to be real? I'd love to know what was going through /your/ head when you wrote this.
I must admit, I thoroughly enjoyed the beginning. It was such an interesting concept. When you first decsribed the 'woman' Bill saw, I thought it was a Veela, not death.
I think you characterised Death really.interestingly. He (she?) didn't seem to have one fixed character, but lots of different ways to react. With the giglling (I found that mega creepy) and then changing to a man... This is the sort of story I'd love to write myself!
I wonder, why did you choose to write about death? You haven't put it as a concept, but as a person. And strangely that makes the reader think about the concept even more, if that makes sense to you...!
But then, when it got to the part with Death, Voldemort and Bill it seemed to go downhill a little in quality of writing, and became rather confusing and less 'realistic' (not that it's particularly realistic at all but I like that. magic isn't realistic.)
But wow, you had shivers going down my spine in parts of this. Really loved reading and reviewing!
Let me know when your new story comes out so I can review it! You have four more reviews to spend :)
lwg xAuthor's Response: Sorry I took forever to respond to this! I read it and then forgot I hadn't responded :/
Well yes it is all 'real', but it is quite different I suppose :P I say anything can happen in the wizarding world though :P I don't really know what was going through my head, I just loved the idea of writing about Death (he's in the story that I'm yet to post) so I wanted to test him out in this one shot.
I'm glad you enjoyed the beginning!! Ooh that's good, I kind of didn't want it to be revealed right away!
It was very fun, you should give it a go! Honestly I don't know where the idea first came from, I've had a plunny since last year about Death that I've written a bit of, so I really don't remember :P But he's my favourite character to write :D Haha yes that does make sense!
Yep, that's probably the part of the story where I'm not happy with it :P For the challenge we had to make them swap bodies and I think that's the part I ended up struggling with...I found Voldemort really tricky to write for some reason! I might attempt to rewrite it sometime. I hope you weren't too confused though!
Ooh that makes me happy! Well because it worked I mean :P I'm glad you loved it!
I'll definitely let you know! It might be a while though :/ Thank you so much for this review! :D
Hi, i'm here for your requested review :D
First, i want to say that you have an absolutely gripping beginning. Your style of writing and your narrative in those first few paragraphs was absolutely wonderful. I liked the imagery of these war torn setting and i think you did a great job with hooking the reader in.
You idea is very neat and i haven't read a lot where Death is an actual character and i think you did an interesting way of characterizing him, first as an alluring woman to something not human to this grotesque man. It was a very vivid picture and very unique which i liked a lot about this story. I also liked his arrogance because, letís be honest, if you controlled life, who wouldn't be arrogant? The only thing i have to comment on that is that you mentioned his arrogance way too much throughout this, once or twice would have been fine but it seemed to be brought in a few too many times in my opinion. Let the readers see his arrogance rather than telling us he's arrogant. We'll feel him more as a character if you do. It's the same things with people, if a person says they are something you may not necessarily believe it till you see them acting it.
I feel like you may need to work on Voldemort's characterization a little bit more. I felt like he did emit evil as he should have. He is hard to write, and i think you got a good base for him, but he needs to be fine tuned a little i think.
One final thing I noticed was, this was during the final battle, yes? I only ask because of the AUness of it and i'm curious to know where you are going to take this and how far it will go. This, i guess, is a good hook for readers to want to read more to know how the heck itís going to work out in the end.
I think you have an interesting idea here, it's different that is for sure, i feel like i don't have enough info of where this idea is going to say if it works or not. With just a tiny snippet i'd almost say i'm uneasy about the Final Battle turning out with Voldemort not dying? I think the idea is unique and could turn into something neat but i'd have to see more to actually accept the idea.
Thank you for requesting me, i hope you found my comments helpful. I do think you have a great narrative voice and an interesting way of writing, keep at it girl.Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for this review!
I'm so happy that you liked my beginning. As you can tell, that's probably what I ended up spending most time on.
I thought it would be interesting to have Death as a character and I've been playing with the idea for a while so I'm glad you like that. Thanks for the point about the arrogance. I have trouble with 'telling' and not 'showing,' so that's something I definitely need to work on. Thanks for the tips on that.
I did have trouble characterising Voldemort. I'm not sure why, I just found it really difficult. I'll have to keep playing around with him.
When I wrote this, I wasn't really sure when it was set - part of the AUness. I figured it was somewhere around the final battle though. At the moment though, I haven't got any plans to extend this story. I will have Death in another story though.
I suppose at some stage I could extend it, but I actually don't know where it's going!
Thank you, I did find your comments helpful! Narrative is my preferred style so thank you! :) Report Review
Hello, it's CatrionaS85 from the forums to review your challenge submission! :)
I realise the formatting is a bit odd but I'll ignore that! I think Bill was characterised well and although we didn't get much insight on Voldemort I also think he was portrayed okay. The plot itself I think is really creative and quite haunting and I really enjoyed reading it. Your style of writing is rather gripping and well thought out and I'd love to read more of your work. I also think you did incredibly well giving the pairing you were given, I thought that was probably the most difficult one and you pulled it off well.
Leading on from that I'm happy to let you know you've won the challenge and 10 reviews from me are in order for ten chapters of your choice from any stories of your choice!
So please let me know either in your reply or on the forums what you would like reviewed and I'll happily oblige! Look forward to reading more of your stuff! :-)Author's Response: Wow thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! It did seem like such an odd pair but the plot bunny seemed to like it!
Awesome, well I might reply on the forums because I have some questions. Thank you again! :) Report Review
Hi!! Karni here with your requested review :)
First of all the first part to this chapter was excellent for an opening. The descriptions that were in it made me feel sick, becuase they were so accurate - and frankly I did not wish to think about burning flesh ;)
To me, an opening should be what gets your readers in - what hooks them. FWhether it be two words like "I'm dead" or a whole paragraph. The opening is the most important part to a story - and you did a terrfic job with it!
You have a very broad range of a dictonary in here. There was so many large words during the story that sometimes I had to double take - for e.g. The air was tainted with more than just death. - Tainted was a really good word to use, but I re-read this paragraph twice, I think it was because of the line that followed. Personally, I think that the smell of death would be a little stronger than blood, no matter how much blood there was, too me it just seemed a little contradictory. (p.s. I wont go on spelling cause I suck at it ;) < as you can tell)
I think that it's great you reached so many words - I think that's a great effort if you haven't written more than 3000 before, so Kudo's on that.
Your description of Bill I found different to how everyone else describes him - everyone else's write Bill as the older brother who protects them all and is a lot like Fred and George and isn't afraid of Death - however, you mentioned that he was a coward, right at the start. And I always love a reading about a character from another light. :)
I really enjoyed your little one-shot, I think there where a few places where comma's and full stops could be placed to break down a few paragraphs - but it's nothing to major.
All in all, well done ona lovely little one-shot :) and I hope I was helpfull in some way? :/
~Karni. xxAuthor's Response: Thankyou!! I'm so excited that you thought my opening was good!
Ahh that line. I knew it didn't quite work but when it popped in my head I was like wow that sounds awesome and so I used it. I think I should go back and fix that...thanks for pointing it out otherwise I might have just ignored it! :D
I think it's a side that could very possibly be there. Obviously he can still have his bravery occasionally, but I'm glad you liked reading him in this light :)
I might go through and edit it at a later stage or get someone to look over that, thanks!
Thanks for the review and it was helpful! Thank you for the lovely feedback :D And sorry my response seems so short! Report Review
I think the concept of the story is rather interesting. Voldemort and Bill swapping their bodies is an impossible thought, quiet frankly to imagine anyone swapping bodies with Voldemort is really unimaginable. But you know there's always people out there writing new concepts. And one of those people is you! :P
Like I said before, I'm interested on what's going to happen next. I haven't seen much stories of people switching bodies in the Harry Potter world so right now...it doesn't seem that realistic to me.
There a lot of creativity going on though! I really like Death's part in the story and how he appeared. I'm quiet fond of Death in this story because he seems such a fun character!
I only have few complaints and most of them could be fixed by a wave of the wand. First, spaces! The gaps between each sentence/paragraph is dizzying me. Yep, you heard that right I get dizzied by space gaps. I know it's not your fault but perhaps going back and try to fix it would help?
Overall, I really love the story and it's very interesting plus the way you describe it is just a win-win!
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Hey!
This was actually for the Polyjuice Challenge so the characters had to swap bodies at some point and this was my take on it. I think they were mostly intended to be light but mine kind of went the opposite way :o haha
This is actually all it's going to be, so no more swapping bodies in the close future! The story I am working on at the moment (yet to be posted) is based around Death and I think it's quite interesting! (if I do say so myself :P). Although I'm not sure I'll be able to write it to justice :/ I'm glad you liked Death! (maybe you'd like to read my story when it's up ;P)
Yes the spaces were insane! I didn't realise they were so far apart until it validated :/ I'm going to fix it as soon as what I put in the queue next is out. (I know I should fix this first but my next chapter is for another challenge.)
Thank you so much! xx Report Review
Woah, this is rather scary! The concept is really good, although it would be easier to read if there weren't such large amounts of space between each line. Overall, very enjoyable :)Author's Response: Thanks so much! Does it sound crazy that I am too scared to watch horror movies? I'm definitely going to fix the spacing up after a few of my stories come out of the queue! I'm not sure why it spaced so much :/ This review made me ridiculously happy! Thanks :) Report Review
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