1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ScarletSnidget Last Night: What Harry Hadn't Quite Heard

2nd March 2016:
Okay, so I'm currently reading the first few paragraphs, it seems to be good so far; I like the way it's written, but at times it seems almost a bit rushed, and you perhaps try to put a few to many adjective in close proximity to each other, but this might just be me. I like it so far, lets just see what happens later on...
Okay, so I've read a bit more, and it's quite good; it's smart and political, which is one thing I can honestly say I have never seen before. I have a few minor things to point out, however, while it is good for the majority of thetime, there are a few odd errors. For example, in this part, there are a few mistakes:
"Dean who had glided into place beside them, looking like hed been born in tails. 'Who knew it would be so easy to miss dress robes, right? But the two of you shouldn't be having nearly so much trouble as Ernie, and he's already mastered the bow-tie.' "
You don't continue what you were saying at the beginning, you could have put it as:
"Dean glided into a place beside them, looking like he'd been born in tails. 'Who knew...' "
Or, you could have put something like:
" Dean, who had glided into a place between them, looked like he'd been born in tails. Interrupting, he said..."
I shall, for now, continue reading.
Okay, so I'm now halfway through, and I like it a lot more; you seemed to have calmed down with your pace and adjectives, so I am enjoying it a lot more now.
This is really smartly written; the way you write is fitting to the themes of government and politics. One criticism that I do have to make about it, however, is that you use the word "and" more than a bit too much.
Oooh I like the end. Despite the few errors, it was still a really good chapter. I can't wait for the next one.

Author's Response: I'm afraid the stylistic quirks you weren't a fan of--the call-and-response fragments and all the "ands" especially--only multiply as the story moves into present tense next chapter, but thank you so much for the thoughtful review! I really do appreciate it, and I hope I can restrain the out-of-breath prose enough to keep you around.

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