Plot: Again, another short chapter, although longer than the first one! So I'll do my best to cover everything! First thing: The interjected part about the flashbacks had me really confused. It broke the flow of the story and made me have to jerk in and out of the present day. There are ways to make it less choppy and I think that would be to start a flashback and go with it until the end, so you're not jumping back and forth. Another thing was that I found it odd that she agreed to be this guy's girlfriend and yet she's barely spent any time with him! The reader also knows practically nothing about him too. I find it hard to believe though that Jen wouldn't have been worried about the rumors going around and how that would affect her new relationship. Guys tend to get really jealous! Just something to think about! :) Last thing was the bit where she sleeps in the guy's dorm. Not only would that be considered highly inappropriate, I don't really think it adds to your story. She can be best mates with Mauraders without sleeping in their beds, especially with a new boyfriend. On a brighter note: You had very good plot development, something that kept the reader interested until they got to the end and that cliffhanger was WHOA. Haha.
Characterization: Jen: I think you're keeping in character with her, but I struggle with why she isn't more angry about the rumors flying around about her. I think that needs some explanation. I did like the description scene in the very beginning of the chapter, it shows that she has wants and needs and makes her a more well-rounded character overall.
Lily: I think Lily's become a lot more out of character in this chapter. First, she doesn't report Jen sleeping in the boys' dorm, something Lily would definitely have issues about. Second, she spreads nasty rumors about her best friend, and Lily's always struck me as a loyal friend, even if she's mad at you. Third of all, the pregnant thing isn't canon, so I don't know what you're planning there.
Grammar: Again, the spacing in this chapter really distracts from the story you're writing, which is a shame since it's good! Other than that, here are some things I saw:
"You're already late for Hogsmede!" Author's Response: Okay, thanks again!
She decides she might need to settle down at some point; Aaron is right there. :P
And she's just carefree. Doesn't really care about rumors. I'm sorta like that. Its like, whatever. They can think whatever.
Aaron doesn't get much explaining here, I know. He should in the next few however.
Haha, I know. Next chap has another, I may rerequest.
Hm, i suppose Lily is a bit OOC, ah well. I'm not sure where this is going, but it will stay to cannon so I suppose I'll need to chaneg that. :3
Oops. Yeah, I know. Thanks though. Your review got cut off. :( Ah well. Report Review
I'm here for the review swap xD
Haha - this had me chuckling from the first line -> 'Purgatory, Hell, karma, prison; call it whatever you want. Professor McGonagall insists on calling it 'Transfiguration' for example. So does Dumbledore. Although I detected a slight twinkle in his eyes when I barged into his office last Tuesday, demanding its name be changed'.
Brilliant first line! Really made me want to continue reading! xD Characterisation - I like your sarcastic main character - her interation with Amos was funny and realistic. Lily played the prefect really well and Sirius was obnoxious as head-canon determines! :P
I got a little confused whn Lily was saying that he really liked Jen - I thought he was talking about Sirius :P But other then that the whole chapter ran smoothly and was easy to follow.
Great Job :)
Keira :)Author's Response: Haha, thank you! :)
I really appreciate this. I'll get to your soon, I promise! I just haven't had time to actually sit down and read it! :(
Anyway, oops. I'll go back and clear it up at some point.
Thanks again! Report Review
Well that was dramatic haha! ;D I so wasn't expecting Aaron to be the father of it. I kind of think Jenny went over the top though with the way she shouted all that out in the common room and kissed James/Remus...Lily obviously would of slept with him before they were going out! But drama is good i guess ;D
One thing which confused me was why did Lily get excited over her date with him?
Well that ending was just DUN DUN DUN ;)
~BlameItOnTheNarglesAuthor's Response: It was indeed. Next chapter sort of explains a bit about the whole thing, its also a bit less high-strung. :) Report Review
OMG picks jaw up from floor! That was just shocking! I so wasn't expecting that to happen! OMG who is the dad of it? Ahhh that is such big news to happen!
I love Jenny to pieces! :D & I just find her so funny and sarcastic XD
I don't know which guy i'd rather go for, perfect good boy or bad boy haha ;D
Onto the next chapter XD
~BlameItOnTheNarglesAuthor's Response: Haha, you'll find out soon! I'm totally the bad boy type!
Alrighty then! Me too I suppose! Report Review
This is a great start to the story :D Short and witty to capture the readers in :D
I loved the beginning where you said about her barging into Dumbledores office demanding Transfiguration to be called something else XD
Awww Lily likes Remus! I always have thought that Lily would of fancied him before James finally won her over ;D I also kind of think Remus would have a thing for her as well but is too good of a friend ;D
Jenny is a great OC and I love her sense of humour :D
~BlameItOnTheNarglesAuthor's Response: Haha, thank you! :)
I find it annoying about how self-deprecating Remus is in all these stories. So he might take a different path here. ;) Report Review
Hi, Scarletroses here for your review! It'll be a bit long, so bare with me, yeah?
I'm not a big grammar person, so I can't exactly go into detail on that. I think you might want to go in and fix the spacing and all that, just because it can turn someone off to a story if they are unsure of where to take a breather when they are reading it in their head. That's just a small formatting thing, however (I have this problem as well from simply pasting it onto here). People like to read a story that looks organized. Weird, I know, but it is how these wacky people are nowadays.
I absolutely loved all of your dialogue within the story. You hit my funny bone multiple times. I think that is something major as well. The way Jennifer acts is very consistent in her dialogue, which is something that not a lot of authors seem to realize is an important aspect of writing. I feel that dialogue is the most important part to any story and you hit that spot on. Amazing job!
Now I have to be a little negative, but it's constructive criticism, I swear! I know you're trying to make every chapter interesting, but sometimes, only a few big "scenes" are necessary in a chapter. Some chapters may just be completely boring, but that's how it has to be. They're the fillers in your story. You're going very fast-paced and jumping around a lot.
I think you need to sit back and explain some things to the readers, such as: the relationship between Jennifer and Lily, the relationship between Jennifer and the Marauders, and maybe how Jennifer knows about Remus being a werewolf. A filler chapter may be necessary for all of this. You have a lot going on in every chapter and it is kind of making me lose sight of what you're trying to convey with the whole story.
Honestly, I think in order for you to get back into the swing and get a lot of readers, all you need is a few filler chapters. This story has so much potential, it's ridiculous. Really, it is. I'm actually going to follow it, if you don't mind. Though I'm not sure who is going to be Jennifer's love interest (you might want to clarify this), I'm sure you have it all sorted out.
I'm a very realistic person, so I didn't feel as though the characters were real enough. I feel as though all of them have to have distinct characteristics, which you highlighted, but didn't go into detail about. I'm a very detailed person, though, so that might just be me.
Might I suggest writing an overview of where you think the story is going to be headed? This always helps me. I even do a chapter-to-chapter outline, that's how pathetic I am.
Overall, great story. It seems like its actually going somewhere! Keep in mind that fillers are important and maybe go back in and format things a bit (I'm a hypocrite, I know).
ScarletrosesAuthor's Response: Haha, thank you for this. :) It really helped. I do plan to do another dramatic scene where Lily explodes. It should explain a lot of the back stories hopefully.
I'm not entirely sure where this is going actually. I just sat down one day and began writing.
Honestly, I didn't have to reach far for Jen's comments, this is sort of me haha. I'm quite sarcastic and I've always loved the girls in stories that aren't necessarily tom boys, but can definitely hold their own in a battle of words. Thank you for the criticism on the dialogue, I find that comes quite easily for me.
I had issues with the formatting, I know. It kept trying to make it all bold so eventually I just gave up and submitted it.
Again, thanks. This really was useful.
Hi there! VioletBlade with your requested review!
Alrighty, let's get crackin'! ;)
Plot: I think as your first fanfic, it has much potential! However, to begin, I think the pace was a bit fast, and without more detail it was hard to follow, so that's something you might want to consider. I like Jen, but there isn't too much going on right now. I like the bit you started out with about Transfiguration (which should be capitalized by the way), and how much she hates it that she actually took it to Dumbledore. That's hilarious! I think you could add more detail in so we could get to know Jen a little better, and also so that the relationships she has can be developed more.
Characterization: A little of what I have to say here ties into what I said above. I think overall, your characters could use some more good description because they seem interesting! I like your OC a lot, and she's quite funny! I just don't feel like I know anything about her except that she's best friends with Lily, hates Transfiguration, and knows the Mauraders. (Including Remus' secret, I'd like to know the backstory on THAT!)
Grammar: To be completely honest, I would suggest a beta for this story. I don't want to nit-pick for you, but the spacing between sentences made the story really hard to follow, and the dialogue structure was also off. Spelling mistakes weren't a huge thing in this story that I saw, just simple grammar stuff and some capitalization issues.
Overall, it's a great first start! I hope this review was helpful to you and that you keep on writing! Practice makes perfect ;)
~VioletBladeAuthor's Response: I do have a Beta reader actually..
Thanks for the criticism on Jen, I know she doesn't get much description in chap 1, (Or anyone else either.) but she gets a lot more in the next few. :)
Thank you, I think I will re-request chap 2 :)
Hi, i'm finally here for your review! Sorry if the wait seemed long, i've been busy trying to catch up with school and the other reviews :D
So about this, first off, you asked about spelling/grammar, that is not something i do in my reviews, but i do suggest getting a beta if you are worried about it because I did notice a few things here and there. The spacing seemed really odd as well and made it hard to read. Be sure to make spaces between lines when a new person speaks. I would suggest just taking a look at other people’s stories to see how things are formatted to get a better idea of what to do yourself.
Things seemed to be a little clunky and the flow is a little off as well. I think if you work on your description things will flow better. I felt like it was very dialogue driven and i wasn't really able to capture anything that was happening around them. Someone once gave me the advice that when writing try to capture the senses. In other words, write so that you are speaking to the sense of a person, taste, smell, touch, sight. That sort of thing so the story is really jumping out at the readers. I think you've done great since this is your first ff, it's just something to remember as you continue writing.
Your dialogue though, was very well done and seemed to flow very naturally from their lips. I like your characterization of Lily and Jen and i like the banter between them. I also like Jen so far, she seems very witty and fun. We don't know too much about her but her inner monologue is fun to follow along with. Be sure to keep fleshing her out and remember that the more situations we your character in the more we will come to know her and sympathize with her.
I really appreciated that interaction with Sirius, i tend to be overly critical of him in people's stories but i think, so far, you've put on a little more of a unique flare on him by not labelling him as a playboy but perhaps just someone who a lot of girls thought was extremely attractive.
At this point, i'm not entirely sure what to expect with this story, which is usually something that would be hinted at in the first chapter. I'm assuming there is going to be a Lily/Remus/James triangle of some sort perhaps? And an OC/Sirius plot line. I think you have interesting characters to play with so far and i'd be interested to see where you do go with this and i think you have a good start, especially for a first ff, they can be really daunting but keep at it, i think you'll be great.Author's Response: Haha, thanks. :)
This was beta'd..betaed...beta...? What ever. ;) I had a Beta for this chapter for the spelling and what not.
Hm, I was worried about flow. Yeah, I do always have issues when I'm writing about description.
Thank you on the dialogue and characterisations. I've never really seen Sirius as a playboy, more like people wish he was.
The second chapter gives a bit more to the actual plot. This chapter was more of a filler, intro thing.
And maybe, on the triangle thing. ;)
Thanks. Report Review
Formatting. Remember, formatting is your friend...
The flashback to the Quidditch was sort of thrown in there a bit, and confused me. You had it written as if it was happening at that moment, but it wasn't. An idea would be to edit it and have it more along the lines of: 'I remember Timothy's voice ringing out across the Pitch. "Jennifer Quinn!"' or something like that. It will help weave it into the scene and will make it less choppy.
Also, the two scenes with Aaron didn't entirely match up with the flashback in the middle, so that might be something to work on as well. Also, we really have no idea who Aaron is, yet he just became the protagonists boyfriend. You might want to spend some time talking about their date, even if it's just: 'we laughed and chatted as we wandered in and out of stores along the main street of Hogsmede and I began to wonder if maybe i'd been wrong. If maybe Aaron was boyfriend potential...' or something of the sort, just to smooth that transition process and let us know Jan had a good time.
+" Ah mate. Reading between the lines I'd say she thinks you're a bit pompous." Came the responding grunt.'
- I actually have no idea who is saying this. It's not James because he wouldn't be talking to himself, and it's not Jen as she says something after, but you don't make any mention of another Marauder being in the room.
Cannon - Even prefects aren't allowed up the girls stairs, as Ron was a prefect when he tried. I don't know how James managed to turn into a Stag in the middle of the Common Room and have no one notice either, or how he'd turn the door knob into the girl's room with antlers. Also, Lily wasn't pregnant with Harry when she was at Hogwarts. It might not be James's baby, and it might end up with her losing the child or something, but in Cannon, it wouldn't be James's. Just pointing it out :)
Again, the transitions in this chapter were even more jumpy, and could easily be smoothed over with description. An example: "I heard she was shagging Black and Potter too!" I smirked as they all put their heads together to discuss this latest bit of gossip, as I climbed the stairs to my dormitory.
"What is wrong with you?" I exclaimed when I opened the door to our room.'
I hope you see what i'm trying to show. It cuts that awkward transition and it adds only a few words, but greatly improves the quality of the writing when it doesn't have those constant scene cuts.
Dialogue was still good, although I find Lily to be slightly OOC, although that might change in future chapters. We haven't had much exposure to her yet.
Overall, good. But that said, you really need to work on description for this to improve. It's not too hard though, just takes a bit of time at first, but soon you'll get into the hang of it and won't think twice about it :)
Hope my comments have been helpful and I hope you'll re-request with the next chapter when it's out. I'd love to see what you've done with my feedback.
- Adele :)Author's Response: Yay! Thanks for reading this one too. :)
The next chapter is in the process of being written, and I have updated this one with your criticism. I really appreciate your help, thanks. And about the baby, I can't say too much, but it will still follow canon. Report Review
Hi! Elenia here with you review!
Is this your first fanfic ever? I think it's a really promising start for a story!
I liked the very beginning a lot! A great way to capture attention! The chapter otherwise was very short so we didn't get to learn a lot about the plot or the characters, but I'll forgive it since this is just the first chapter! I can't wait to see where this is going (:
But for the parts that were there, I think your writing was very good! I didn't see any grammar problems, the dialogue worked well and it flowed.
Keep up the good work! (:Author's Response: Yes, this is my first. :) Thank you.
I know it was really short, but the next should be validated today, and its longer.
Thank you, I was worried about the grammar. :) Report Review
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