8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Elenia Sorted

29th February 2012:
Hey! I'm here with your requested review (:

Wow, awesome start! I really love the second person pov when it's done well, and I think you managed to nail it perfectly! Awesome job. It's so refreshing to read stories from this pov because there really aren't that many around, so that already makes your story more unique.

I like your characterization here very much, you did a very good job on everyone. I really like writing and reading next-gen characters, because there are so many possibilities with them. We don't know that much about them, so there really aren't any limits and one cannot state that they are OOC, because there really isn't anything to compare them with. So you don't have to worry about that at all. It's up to the reader's own imagination to get over their own image of the characters (:

But anyways, yours were really good. I really like the idea of Lily ending up in Slytherin, again very refreshing. And Draco! He was really good too, I like it that he has sort of learned his lesson, and is trying to teach his son to be more ¨lenient than he was taught to be. I think that fits his character really well.

Also points for pairing Scorpius with Lily. There aren't too much of those stories around! Personally I always ship him with Rose, but I have nothing against this pairing either (:

Really good work. I hope you'll re-request, because I want to read more of this story!

~E

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for being so fast!
Im so glad my first chapter is doing so well - usually im not very good with coming up with interesting starts, so this is a big imrovement for me. Im so happy that the second person pov is working because i wasnt really sure about it at first. i thought it would put people off the story since its not really done that often.

You know, i feel that way about the next generation too, that in a way they ar elike blank pages waiting to be filled, but because they are the children of characters we know so well - that seems to add some kind of pressure. At least that's how it was for me, which is why this is my first story of this era.
Im so relieved that Lily being in Slytherin didnt weid you out. It was a stretch maybe, i dont know, but it was the shortest most logical way to have her hanging around Scorpius without pulling too many rabits out of hats. I loved writing Draco that way too. It seemed a fitting description for him, it worked for the story... and I also liked giving a bit of goodness, i couldnt help myself ;P

Aw, i love this ship i dont really know why. I just see them toghether. It was thoughts of the possibility of them together that actually made me want to write a story about them in the first place. I would have never ventued into next-generation without a solid inspiration i could depend on - this era scrares me ;P

Thank you so much for the lovely review and I hope I get the chance to request again too, but Im going to have to hold in que for now, because you thread seems really full :D Thanks again. All the best!


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Review #2, by killinglonely Good morning

25th February 2012:
Hi. This is your second review. I really enjoy this fic, it's nice, and their conversation was nice. My only suggestion is to spice it up a little. I think you're off with your pacing in this chapter, it seems a little slower than the first and it doesn't capture my attention as much. I like how you made her a SLytherin, it's really quite interesting, and I like how you made her not completely like it. 'fried' should be friend. You have some great moments in this fic. For example, 'Because there was one thing about that Potter girl: giving her one single definition was a mistake, she was too peculiar for that. Bottling her into one category – any category was impossible.' Probably your best sentences right there. They just seem to flow and they're just right for the moment. You've got a gift with words. For this chapter, I'd just say work on grammar, like I always do, make sure you proofread, and maybe make it a little more interesting. Right now I'm not getting any sort of dynamic between the two, whether it's brother or sister or loves. 8/10

Author's Response: I had a feeling that you'd be that you'd be saying somethig like this for this chapter. I know that it goes a lot slower than the first but you see, this is kinda the point. The whole chapter's initial idea was for it to revolve around their first conversation (im not saying its the best idea, cause trust me, i can feel what you're talking about when you say they lack the dynamic) I just felt that i shouldn't rush into anything - Im a really slow developer in my stories, i like to build up a lot - and that seeing that its the first time they're actually talking, they coudlnt very well be friends right away.

I do however wholeheartedly agree when you say that this chapter coudl use a bit more action, but i know Im going to have to grill my brains to find somethig to put in it. Im currently torn between making it about Scorpuis or about Lily. Anyway, I'll figure it out eventually.

Aw, you quoted your favorite sentence! Thank you, i love it when people do that in reviews. Sometimes I get this feeling that no matter how unatractive whatever i wrote was, there was this one single whole sentence that was right! I'm glad you like my choice of words, thank you much for saying that. And of course, 'fried' should be 'friend', because we dont fry our friends, at leasnt not in our cultural spectrum ;)

Again, thank you fot your review, both of them actually. It was a pleasure hearing from you and I ope i get the chance to snag another spot off your list anytime soon.
All the best!


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Review #3, by killinglonely Sorted

25th February 2012:
Hi, I'm here with the review you requested!

First, kudos to you for writing this ship. I know everyone loves Rose and Scorp because they're like Dramione, but I appreciate this pairing. I'm writing an Al/Scorp and I know that it's not as popular, and neither is Lily/Scorp so taking this on is quite a challenge. Second, I loved this! Second POV is such an original way of telling a story. Will you be telling it the whole way? I really liked how you used it though and I thought it was perfect for the scene, third person is too distant and first person is too close, and second person made me feel like what Scorp was feeling. You've done an outstanding job. I like your current pace, it's good not to rush into things.

My favorite part is Draco. Not just because I've always liked his character, but because you made him realistic. It's easy for people to say 'oh, he hates Rose because of her blood!' but I like how you added in some depth there. You made him believable and human. People don't listen, but I think that he and his family changed after the war and I'm glad that you're not making him some neo Voldemort follower and you're giving him a mindset of your own.

There were some minor grammar mistakes, nothing that a second read through or a beta couldn't fix. For example 'date or marry rose Weasley.' Rose should be capitalized. There were a few little errors in other places too, but nothing too significant. And trust me, I can really pick out even the smallest of grammar mistakes so I'm quite proud of you because you made very little.

All in all, this is a very promising start. You approached this at a comfortable pace and the believable-ness is amazing. Take this all as a giant compliment because I'm a harsh critic and I had very little to say! You did a lot of good to this story, and I like all the minor little details, like Lily chewing her lip. It just adds realness without overbearing readers with TOO much detail. I spend too much time inside of my character's heads going over their thoughts, but I think with the second person you've really made it so that you get the best of both worlds, thought AND dialogue AND description. 10/10

Author's Response: Hello! Thanks for coming over so fast, i saw you were swawmped wit request I honestly didnt expect you to read my story in less than a week :)
I love writing this ship, i'm really into the two of them as a storyline. I didn't know how fans of the era would feel about it, since like you said, its not very out there, so I really apriciate the fact that you like the pairing too! Good luck on your Al/Scorpius by the way. It sounds more than possible to me, people portray them as best friends all the time :)

Oh, Im so relieved that you liked the second pov thing. Yeah, I'll be telling the entire story that way, the whole first 10 chapters are in it at least. I agree with what you said about second person being the right distance fom a character, it feels that way. There's something kinda weird about writing in this form (probably since it's my first try at telling a story this way) but Im really enjoying it. Im so happy that you like it too!

Im grinning like crazy right now - about what you said about Draco. 'Cause I wanteed to put him in for some comic relief and also give a bit of a description to what he might have turned out after the war. You know, I never particularly liked him as a character, but I never thought of him as one dimensional, so of course it woudl have been logical for him to change a bit after seeing so much death right? Anyway, glad that you liked him in the story. I didnt want him being there to be confusing or lead people off the story, but he kind had to be mentioned to explain some of the things Scorpius thinks and why, seeing that he learned them from his family.

Oh, you should be really proud of me for not making too many mistakes, i know I was really proud of myself when i read that!! Because I usually make tons and tons and tons and... anyway, :P I read this carefully before i posted it and Im glad that I cleaned it up decently. Of course, some little buggers still remain - thanks for pointing out one - (and they are going to expunged immediately)

Oh wow, Im so happy that you liked the first chapter so much! Im glowing right now :D Usually my first chapters dont have that much appeal, its one of my weaknesses, so im glad that this story marks an improvement in that direction.

Thank you so very much for the lovely review!


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Review #4, by Dobby101 Family

19th February 2012:
Hi!! I'm here for your review and I'm sorry that it took so long :( I was swamped with school work. But to clarify, my rule is that I will only read the first three chapters...and you are welcome to re-request on the forums for more :)

To start off, I really did enjoy reading this story. Your second person is so much easier to read than other second person stories I have read in the past. Good job!!

I also really like Lily's character and how Scorpius analyzes her so well. I feel as if he really has taken her on as his little sister and that he actually cares. Oh, and I love how he convinced her to try out for the Quidditch team...what an excellent idea!!

There were a few errors here and there, but if you read through, I'm sure that you will find them.

Other than that, I think that the story is progressing well so far. Each chapter builds upon the last which is a very good thing! And in relation to your question of whether or not it is obvious that the two are meant for each other, my answer would be no. Obviously, there's this thing going on and they are spending time together but with Scorpius explaining her as a little sister, it's not obvious at all. I feel as if you are building their relationship well!

Great job! You are doing an awesome job with this so far! Feel free to re-request. :)

Have a great day!!
-Dobby

Author's Response: Hello, thank you so much for stopping by. Haha - i know all about too heavy school work trust me :) And no worries about the delay, it means the world that people like you actually offer to read and review, it doesnt matter when i actually get to hear from you really.
Im so relieved that the second person pov is not as heavy as i thought it would. Somehow Im finding it hard to put in dialogue in this story. I dont really know why, but it feels like i cant escape the monologues here, its like this is the only way i know how to tell this story. Maybe its because Im still very green at the whole second person thing and I dont know how to make it more dinamic. Anyway, glad that you thought it was alright.

Its been a while since Ive written this story and I dont really know how i feel about the characterisation of these two. Sometimes i feel like i focus too much on Lily and it makes Scorpius seem marginal even thought the story is from his pov. But I do love trying to see the world throught his eyes though, its such a new thing for me.

Im so happy that you like that part about the Quidditch team, it was fun writing it. I had the chance to give Lily's characters some layers, make her a bit more real by showing her insecurity as well as her trenghs and indipendence.

Im happy that you think their relationshp is not too obvious from the start. I tried really hard to write it so that it would be believable when i say that their feelings catch them by surprise. Obviously, Im concentrating on their moments together, but i didnt want it to hit the reader over the head you know.

Thank you so very much for your review and I hope i find another slot open in your thread so that i can request again :)
All the best!


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Review #5, by atellam Sorted

10th February 2012:
Hi! Here with your review. Sorry it took so long. I didn't have a chance earlier in the week, but i'm here now :)

First up, grammar etc -
There were a few time you didn't capitalise 'Rose', so you might want to re-read this and fix those up. Also, commas need work, as dialogue tags check out: (Writers Resources -> Grammar Guidelines -> then go crazy, they are all really helpful.)

Interesting characterisation, I haven't read any Lily/Scorpius fics before, nor have I read any second person stories in ages. Anyway, it was an unique approach and quite engaging. I like Draco's characterisation and i'm interested to see where this story goes with the plot (being written in second person and all.)

Flow and Pacing were fine as far as I could tell, though fixing up the grammar/punctuation etc. will help with this (though there isn't much work needed at all.)

I like that it's written from Scorpius's POV and you've done this well as far as I can tell, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. We don't get too much insight into the other characters here, but from what I can see, Albus and Rose are well within character (although that's the beauty of Next-Gen, they can be however you wan them to be :P)

Again, I haven't read any Lily/Scorp fics before, but this one shows promise and i'd be interested to see where it goes. I agree with your point in Area's of Concern that friends first, then something more is a much better approach, especially for a paring such as this one.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to review any of the other chapters at the moment, (I'm much further behind that I like to be) but shoot me a re-request if you've found my comments helpful.

Keep it up, this is a really interesting approach that - as I said before - shows a lot of promise. Hope i'm somewhat helpful, and sorry this isn't the longest review,
- Adele :)

Author's Response: Hi there, thanks for stopping by. I feel like i should have warned you about the grammar mistakes I make. I'm not a very good editor when i comes wo that, but I try none the less. I haven't seen that page on the forums though, thanks for pointing it out to me.

This is not my first try at telling a story in second person, but its the first time i try the write the entire story that way. Its definitely been wierd and new and fun. I wasn't really sure abut it, but its an ongoing experiment and you should try everything once, right! ;P
Im glad that you didn't find anything majorly weird here (i was really nervous about writing from a boy's pov, it was really foreign at first, but the more i wrote the easier it came... i just hope its not too mushy as the story progresses ;P ), with the pairing and all that and Im so happy that you think it could work :)

I dont really know how readers will react to this story because its so new to me writing this era, but its good to know that as a first chapter ist not boring and off-putting.

Thank you very much for your review - and for the tip on the grammar guidelines. I'll give you a breather before requesting a review again though, because i know your thread is really busy right now, I dont wanna take advantage :D


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Review #6, by the_edge_of_love Family

26th January 2012:
I really like this story so far.

It's very different from what I expected it to be, but it has caught my attention. I've never read a Lily story before, and I'm really enjoying this one. I like the way you characterize her, and I also like how she's the one who feels the weight of her family's name on her shoulders.

Can't wait to see where this is going:D

~ Angie

Author's Response: This chapter was more about giving her some hopefully serious and relatable flaws and having her become more of a person in Scorpius' eyes as she grows up. I really like her even though I've tried to portray her as someone that can easily become irritating. I based some of her most annoying moments on my little sisters personality.
I have this notion that all the Potter children feel the weight of their family on their shoulders, but its harder for the youngest, because everyone around her is grown up and she has so many role models, but she doesnt feel as special as any of them. Ive read that this is common on the youngest children (I couldnt know, Im firstborn and the pressure of that is really different) and I tried to give her a little depth by adding this wrinkle in her personality.
Eventually she is going to find out that she is good at something after all and she is going to stop caring, just like the rest of them dont.
I really hope you like the rest of this story. Its already finished, so updates should be regular.
Thank you so very much for taking the time to write these wonderful reviews. You made my day :D


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Review #7, by the_edge_of_love Good morning

26th January 2012:
Another very good chapter!

I like the relationship between Scorpius and Lily. But what I liked even more here is Lily's character: she's her own person, she's independant, ambitious and taking advantage of the "family skeleton". She's a true Slytherin:D

There are some problems with spelling in this chapter, ex. you've missed a gap or two between words or a letter here and there. I don't like pointing out other people's mistakes, but I'd suggest you to give a second look over these chapters- you'll find the mistakes immediately;)

Lovely ending- I do like the friendship between th two of them!

Author's Response: I am going through the chapters and editing them right now actually. I know that they had lots of mistakes, I am a typo freak. A disaster really. Lily was in fact the character that got this entire story started. Its by imaging her life that made me come up with a story for her. Im so happy that you found her to be true to her house placement. I did a poll on the forums and almost everyone thought her as the Gryffindor Ravenclaw type so I realized that to convince people she belonged in Slytherin I had to write her convincingly as one. Its been tricky to find a balance between a kind soul and the rough edges. But its also lots of fun ;)
I dont want to disappoint or anything, because I get this feeling like you were expecting something a lot different, but their friendship is the point of this story. Its not going to be heavy (I should start light since Im a next-generation newbie) This is more of a character-study kind of story than anything else really.
Thanks again for reviewing!


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Review #8, by the_edge_of_love Sorted

26th January 2012:
This is a very interesting story!

I think that the first thing that caught my attention was the excellent summary. It might not give much information on what the story truly is about, but it's catchy and very promising.

The second thing that captivated me is the second-person narrative. I always love stories written like this- especially when the writer knows what he/she's doing, and you seem to know very well. You managed to give me a scoop into Scorpius mind, and I coul really understand him and sympathize with him.

Now, this chapter was very interesting. I didn't realize you'd be talking about Lily, and now I'm looking foward to see what part will she play in the story... Is she the girl Scorpius talks about in the summary? That would be very interesting to find out...

What I liked most about this chapter was the finale:
"You thought back then that her being in Slytherin would redeem the house's reputation… or maybe sully the Potter's reputation. Who knew…"
It's grand and very promising. I like the fact that you thought of this- to be honest, I've thought that if one of the Weasley/Potter kids were to be sorted into Slytherin, it could lead to the family's downfall, but now that you mentioned it, it sounds quite possible.

I'm a bit confused by Draco, but I hope that we'll get to see what he meant and why he said those things in the following chapters.

I don't know why this story hasn't been reviewed yet. It's very good! Heading to read the following chapters:D

~ Angie

Author's Response: Hi there, my first reviewer for this story, thank you so much for taking the time :)
I had help on the summary actually, someone in the forums helped me with it. Its an extract from the story, but in later chapters and shortened. Im so very glad that it caught your attention, I had trouble with finding a suitable summary for this one.
The second person narrative is very much an experiment for me actually. I've written parts of chapters from another story using the second person narrative, but never an entire story before. I was worried that I wasn't giving Scorpius' personality as much space as it should have because I had him focusing so much in other people, so thank you for telling me he is understandable and that his thoughts come through for his personality.

I tried to keep things interesting, because I wanted to raise the readers curiosity the way Scorpius' is by this girl he doesnt know. This is my very first next generation, I dont know how good Im going to be at keeping up with peoples expectation for these characters, seeing that I've read very little of this era. But I am trying my best. And I love writing about Lily, she strikes me as fascinating for some reason. I dont know why I have this inclination to write her as different from the rest of her family. Making her a Slytherin was a bit of a crazy move because I hadnt even figured out who she was when I modeled her to be in that house (usually for me it's the other way around with my characters), but I'm loving writing her.

That about Draco telling Scorpius that he should date Rose was just a bit of (badly staged) humor I tried to use, playing on the whole Romeo/Juliet pairing that people talk about for those two.


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