Wow! Great story, it truly has gone very far and I cant wait to see where it goes.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. I'm glad you like it :) Report Review
Oh, thank you for this! This chapter was great, just like the ones before. I'm totally gonna read this til' the end. This is just marvellous.Author's Response: Thanks a bunch for the review :) I'm glad you like it and really appreciate the feedback. Report Review
This is an amazing story!!! I love it. Plz keep updating it!Author's Response: You're my 50th review(not on this story but 50th review ever) :D Thanks, it's good to know I have readers on some of my later chapters. Hopefully I'll have the next chapter in the queue soon. Report Review
Here from the Review Battle. :)
This was an interesting chapter! I liked seeing Tom meeting new students and really seeing how Hogwarts is, finally. I'm interested in seeing where his relationship with Snape goes as well. Will he become a father figure to him? Guess I'll have to see, haha. I also really like the insight we got into his past in this chapter, about his brother and his last moments, as well as the hatred and bitterness he was surrounded by in his childhood.
I liked how he immediately saw Quirrell for what he is. That's interesting, and it gives a whole new dimension to Tom's character. He's clever and notices things that most wouldn't. But a couple things--you spelled his named "Quarrel" throughout the whole chapter. This is incorrect. It's spelled "Quirrell". Also you might want to tone down on the stuttering a bit. I realize this is easy to get carried away with, it just seems a little overdone. Try re-reading scenes he appears in from Sorceror's Stone for a reference!
Also, the sorting hat. It doesn't speak aloud for the whole Hall to hear while sorting. It simply whispers in the hat so only the one being sorted can hear. Don't get the movie version confused with the books!
A suggestion: I think Tom should show some prejudice towards others, especially those who are not purebloods. Although he doesn't seem to agree with the ideology he was raised around, he was still exposed to it his entire life. It's something he grew up with and for most of his life he knew nothing different and heard nothing but the biased and prejudiced things from his father. This would have a huge impact on him, especially during his childhood years. His personality and ideas about others would most definitely be influenced. This would be a good opportunity for internal conflict, he could be struggling with prejudice and hatred towards others that he doesn't want to have anymore. Or he could be confused on what he's supposed to believe. He just seems too accepting and calm when you think of what he was subjected to as he grew up.
My last little pet peeve... use question marks! During their conversation, Scott asked several questions, put you didn't include any question marks. This is essential. Readers will be extremely turned off from a story if there are glaring grammar mistakes and mechanical errors. Watch out for punctuation!
This story is intriguing. I hope to read more soon. :)
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review :)
I actually went over this chapter a few days ago and edited a lot of the stuff you pointed out specifically the sorting hat and the question mark thing. Unfortunately it hasn't gotten through the queue yet so you read the rougher version. A day or two more and it wouldn't have been a problem.
As for your suggestion about Tom I think thats actually an interesting take on things. I never thought of things that way. As you'll see later his mother had a rather straight moral compass and I guess I always thought about it like that would have solved all prejudice but now that I think of it you're right it probably wouldn't. Hm I think I'll have to edit that in some how- maybe put in a new subplot with Scott or something.
-Liz Report Review
This is really good, please add more chapters!Author's Response: Thanks a bunch for the review. This story is next on my update list so the next chapter should be going into the queue soon. :) Report Review
Very interesting second chapter. :) I'm still enjoying the premise, and I like how you're characterizing Tom Riddle III. Your writing is flowing well and you've got me wanting to read more. I think this story is going to develop well.
One thing, however, your characterization of Dumbledore is a bit lacking in this chapter. I know he's very difficult to get right, the key thing when writing him is to get his dialogue accurate. Dumbledore has a very distinct way of speaking and using his words. You must harness this and use it to your advantage. Maybe go back and read scenes from the books he was in, or use particularly good stories from the archive, but I think you should focus a lot on him and try to improve his characterization and dialogue. Example: "I know but we have a special case on our hands. He can't be sorted into Slytherin" would sound more like Dumbledore if worded something like "I am aware, but we have a student here with, ah, different circumstances to be taken into account. This young man cannot be placed in Slytherin." You should also use more commas in your writing. There are natural pauses that fall into the cadence of our speech when reading/saying something. You should re-read your writing, and whenever there is a pause in your reading, insert a comma there.
Also, I'm noticing that all your characters have similar voices. Tom speaks the same way Dumbledore speaks, as well as the same way McGonagall and Snape speak. You need to work on differentiating between their personalities and really insert yourselves into their mind while writing them, so they sound different and unique.
I thought it was interesting you sorted him into Gryffindor. Not in a bad way though, in a good way. :) It goes to show that Slytherins and Gryffindors are much more similar than they think. I have a question though--in the common room, why is there a picture of a griffin, rather than a lion?
The dream bit was nice. It gave the reader good insight into Tom's past, and his twin brother who he seemed to get so emotional about in the past chapter. One thing I found odd though, is that he sounded so much older than he was. You said in the dream he was only 7 years old, yet he used words such as "rehabilitate"?
Lastly, here are some quick typos I noticed:
"Dumbledore talked to the hat as if it were a respected college" college = colleague
"Professor McGonagall will show you to your dorm" I think it would sound more authentic to use "dormitory" here. I don't remember it ever being shortened to dorm in the books. It sounds almost too casual.
"He lied back down and fell back asleep." The third person, past tense form of "lie" is "lay". It should be "he lay back down".
"Tom was sitting strait up in his bed" straight = straight
And in the last paragraph you misspelled Muffliato.
Other than those slight things I thought could be improved, I'm still enjoying this greatly. Nice job!
Bri, xxAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review :) I haven't gone over this chapter in a long time so that is probably why it is a bit lacking in places. On top of that I started this fic half a year ago (It was my very first one) so I wrote the beginning chapters without a good understanding of good fanfiction. When I went over it just now I had to cringe a bit too. I'll be sure to go back and fix the speaking of Dumbledore and try and give the other characters a bit different voice. Thanks for catching some of my typos too. I really appreciate it. Hope to see you again in the review battles:) Report Review
Hello, I'm from the Review Battle. :)
This is absolutely EXCELLENT! I was a bit iffy at first upon reading the premise, as it seemed very out there and it's hard to nail it with these kinds of stories. But you've done very well opening this up. I love the characterization of Tom Riddle III, and the trial process was very realistic. Your writing flows well and you have excellent description. I loved when Dumbledore interrupted, it seemed just the sort of thing he would do, defending Voldemort's son.
I really, really like this. You've sucked me in and got me wanting to read more. Excellent job, keep writing!
Bri xxAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the amazing review :D This literally made my day. Hope to see you again in the review battle Report Review
This was amazing. Please write more!!!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm happy to see you like both my stories. I'll be sure to get more of this through the queue soon. Report Review
Wow, amazing story! I would think that writing about Voldemort having a son would be difficult, but you make it seem so easy. You also started off with an excellent first chapter. You've provided us, the readers, with Tom's back story, which draws our sympathy and makes Tom a likable OC (well, I like him anyway ;]). I just noticed some capitalization and spelling errors, but nothing too major :) Your characterization of everyone was perfect! I envy your writing skills :P I'm excited to see where this leads! Good job! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the nice review! I'm glad that you like my first chapter and Tom so much. I'll look over my chapter again to try and catch any spelling errors. Thanks again :) Report Review
I invite you to read "The Potter Years", keep writing.. I hope we would have an actor like Rea in Chile.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
Hey :) Here I am with your requested review!
I love the beginning to this story! It completely draws me in particularly because you tell us very early on that this is Voldermort's son. I also think you show us very well of the prejudice that still occured even 11 years after his death within the juries.
I love how you made Dumbledore fight for him as Dumbledore revealed that he believed the boy to be under duress which is what this seemed to be anyway. I lvoed your description of him being tortured with the crutiatus curse but then after that he became immune to it which I can see being very truthful!
I love the idea about him being enroled into Hogwarts as it gives him oppotunities! I really want to see what house he's sorted into!
Please feel free to rerequest!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review I'm glad that you like my story so much. I actually think this review made my day it was so nice. I'll be sure to stop by your thread again. Thanks :) Report Review
Well this is quite good, I love your banner by the way it's super awesome. I liked this story, and by the summary you had me rather into it, it isn't my normal type of reading to be honest, but I did like it very much, you have talent, and your a book worm, all good things are happening, all good things :)
LizzieAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review all credit for the banner goes to cast!e @ TDA its perfect. Glad to hear you like it. Report Review
Hi! I'm here for the BvB review battle!
I must say, I've never been a fan of stories about Voldemort's kids, but you interpret the idea in a very interesting way and I lthink the way you characterise your Tom Riddle III is quite realistic.
Two things to improve on:
One's just grammatical; make sure you don't repeat words twice in the same sentence. In the second sentence, you refer to the metal chair twice, and I notice that Crouch 'commands' Riddle twice in the same paragrah.
The second is dialogue, it's mostly all good but there are little bits that you could improve on. Try reading it allowed and deciding whether you would actually hear someone say that.
Overall it was a great effort though, and a really gripping start to what I'm sure is a wonderful story!Author's Response: Thanks for the reviewe I'll try and go over it and fix the little grammar mishaps :) Report Review
Interesting. I've heard of these stories out there, dealing with Voldemort's children but haven't had a chance to read them yet. I look forward to learning more about your Tom Riddle III. He's already a bit sure of himself and eager to display his arrogance, but he also was quick to show them the pain he had suffered in growing up and you make mention of other deeper and darker things. The shift was quick and could've had more time added but it wasn't entirely unbelievable.
You've got Dumbledore's compassion right with Crouch's quick trigger finger right. The circumstances under which Dumbledore would have him under his care with all these children about though he is a known murderer and a little heartless is a little dubious but perhaps you expand upon these reasons as the story goes on.
As you can see, you have caught my interest and I'm hoping that you will delve deeper into my notes above as the story progresses. I shall try to stop by again via our BvB Review Battle or some other time!
xCharAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review!
I hope to expand on some of the things you've pointed out specifically the Crouch buisness as for the reason Dumbledore took him in I guess I could try and make it more clear but since Tom was raised by a death eater he didn't really have a choice about the murdering thing. Dumbledore realizes this was coerced and takes pity on Tom so he decides to take him in as he sees a chance to fix Tom's life. Anyway thanks again I hope to stop by at BvB again some time. Report Review
I haven't reviewed for a while, but I'm still here and this story is still as good as always.
And Scott is still adorable. Heh...
Anyhow, Lockhart's characterization is great- he's a lot like he seemed in JKR's books, so good job- and Tom's character is just as good as always too. You pull him off so well.
Good job. :DAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review its good to know that you still like my story :) Report Review
Ah! The description of that chair is so scary, and it's something I could imagine the wizards using, what with their archaic devices. You mention 'metal chair' twice in the second sentence. Did you mean to do that? :)
Tom seems to be a very articulate young boy, and I can see traces of his no doubt grim upbringing. I see a lot of potential in a character like him, someone who was brought up with not too great of a moral code, but a victim. I think his voice could have a little more of his personality in it, just so it's not so stiff like he's saying a speech.
I spotted a few misspellings, 'torchers' shoudl be 'torture' and 'everyword' should be 'every word'.
The Dark Lord was also known to be quite charismatic and look what happened when we let him run wild. I like that they address this, because the little Tom does have those traces of ol' Riddle. And I also very much like Dumbledore's defense. It sounds very much like him! His reasoning, especially.
I think a bit of Barty and Tom's dialogue could be reworded a little bit, but otherwise, good first chapter! :) Sounds like it's going to be an interesting set of novels.Author's Response: Thanks a bunch for the review. For the first question I did mean to use metal chair twice for emphasis. The personality will come with the later chapters. This chapter was all about introducing him and in a way he was giving a speech when he spoke because he was talking to an audience about his life. I've gone back and reworded some of the dialouge so that its hopefully a little less awkward. Thanks again for the review Report Review
I really love this story, update soonAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review. Glad to hear that you still like it. I'm trying to get updates in ASAP so hopefully I won't keep you waiting :) Report Review
I still love it, one of my favorite stories on the forums! Now write more and I'll be happy ;)Author's Response: Thanks I'll try and get my latest chapter up ASAP :) Report Review
And I like Quirrel too. Good job on him. He seems about the right amount of evil/cautious without being over the top. :)
Good chapter. Can't wait to see what happens next.Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Glad you think I did a good job on Quirrell so far. I really appreciate the feedback
-Bookworm Report Review
Aw... Scott is so cute... I love him so much. (I'm probably going to gush like a crazy fangirl about Scott every time I leave you a review, but he's just so adorable!)
Your story's good. There's still the few small grammar issues, but your characters are as great as always. Tom really is a brilliant character.
Can't wait to read the next chapter. :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm glad you like Scott so much. I worked really hard trying to create him so its nice to have some recognition. I really appreciate the review so thanks agian Report Review
Nice developments! I like where this story is heading. I think from last chapter you shouldve kept the fact that Tom was York's son A's a secret. I mean I thought it to be little too soon but whatever, it's good now!Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback. I see where you're comming from and perhaps you're right. I guess I wanted to give Scott a little bit of information with out really telling him the whole story. Anyway thanks for reviewing I really appreciate it. Report Review
Loving this story! I need more right now so please update soon :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing. I'm glad you like it. The next chapter is in the que so it shouldn't take to long:) Report Review
Good insights, although I felt the chapter should contain little bit more content. Doing great so far!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! Most of the chapters in my story are a bit shorter. I'll try and improve the length a bit in my future works. I appreciate the review. Thanks
Bookworm Report Review
Um... Wow. Okay, I just read this, and I must admit, I never seen an idea like this on here before. You've pulled Tom (III) off really well. His inner conflict of hating himself, not wanting to go to Azkaban, and not quite sure what to think of his past or anyone around him (especially Harry) is great.
And Scott is litteraly adorable. He's so cute and funny. :) Love him.
I think maybe Crouch is the only character who's a little off. I can understand him being a little overreactionary, but as his own son was a death eater (even though Crouch was mad and practically crazy after he found out) I still think this would have made his interactions with Tom a little different. Crouch would really want to see his son in the best light, most likely as a young boy who was influenced by the wrong people, and with Dumbledore being so adamant, I think Crouch might see Tom that way a little too. Although, more than anything I can just see Crouch avoiding Tom a lot becuase Tom would probably remind him of his own son and the pain that his son caused him. Just my thoughts. You don't have to agree. :)
Anyhow, very good job, and I can't wait to see what happens next.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! It's great to have some good feed back. Now that you've brought it up I do see your point about Crouch. I knew when I started writing this that he was going to be slightly more insane than he was in the books. I'm justifying it by saying that Tom is Voldemort's son. Crouch sees Tom and is reminded of his own son, but also of Voldemort himself (Not so much by his actions because he doesn't know Tom personally, but just the knowledge of Tom's parentage is enough to push Crouch over the edge). He's letting out his own anger on Voldemort for corrupting his son on Tom. You might call it a son for a son, you know? On top of that though I needed someone to really push the Tom going to Azkaban thing. Crouch seemed to be a good enough fit for this. Anyway thanks for the review. I really appriciate it
-Bookworm Report Review
I still haven't read the other chapters yet, but the first one was brilliant. it's unique and interesting. i've never read a story like that before. the idea has crossed my mind a couple of times, but this is just amazing. i like the detail you used and the dialogue. great job and keep writing. i think you should start a sequel to this maybe when all the chapters are poster. one of my new favorites :)Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing. I'm really happy you like it. I actually have this planned out really well, with all seven years for Tom. The first is already written and I'm about halfway through the second year. I'm debating on whether to change this into a novel and make it years one through three or to make it just the first, but point being I am going to have more years after this one. Thanks again for the review, I really appriciate it. Report Review
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