This was quite short and sweet. Luna and Neville is a pairing I can see happening, but think that it needs a little work to make believable as in the books, Neville is rather baffled by Luna’s eccentricities and I would have liked to see a little more of exactly why he liked her contrary to his initial appraisal of her oddities. Remember, Neville does not want to sit with Luna when we first meet her and so it would have been nice if we’d had a gradual development, or an insight into the development here.
Characterisation wise, I think you did a good job with Neville. I’ve never attempted him personally, but I think you’ve got his awkwardness and also his boldness at accepting Luna’s offer down well. The one character I would question, though, is Harry. I honestly can’t see him being so brash and almost bragging about saving the world. I can’t actually see him referring to what he’s been doing as saving the world at all, he’s far too modest and what he’s been through has cost him too many loved ones for him to joke about it.
Technically, I did notice a few mistakes with commas, and you often capitalised the word ‘summer’ when it was not needed (incidentally, Brits wouldn’t call it ‘summer break’, it would be ‘summer holiday’ instead). Also, I think you needed to set the scene a little more in the beginning. Harry, when he speaks, sort of pops out of nowhere and I think it would have been good to include that Neville was actually with someone at the beginning. Report Review
Awesome, I always love them!Author's Response: glad you liked it and thank you the review!! Report Review
Hi! You requested a review from me and I'm so sorry that it's taken me this long! ): I really have very little critique. I think the dialogue was really smooth, which is something people struggle with, but your characterization is very real. One thing I might suggest is to not double space, it makes it a little easier to read, especially when you've got short paragraphs right next to each other.
“It might never happen.” --What was Harry talking about? If he didn't know about Luna and Neville yet, what was he talking about?
I love how Luna said 'a friend once said.' It's a great way to have them kiss without it being out of character.
All in all, a great chapter! 10/10Author's Response: Heya,
Don't worry about the wait!! I'm glad you like the dialogue and the characters!! I think I changed the spacing since you left this review so hopefully that's sorted out now. I think I might take that line out it was just like a general comment but a lot of people have picked up on it. I'm glad you liked that line! I don't know where it came from lol
Thanks again for the great review
Awe, that was sweet!
There were a few grammar problems here and there, missing commas and the like, but nothing too heinous.
I think that Neville was pretty spot on, but that Luna could use a little more development. The story is meant to be partially about her, and she's hardly in it at all!
I think the whole story could really be extended to add more detail, emotion and character development. It was really cute, but I had no idea why Neville liked Luna, or how Luna was responding to his advances, or what the dynamic between them was. Showing more interaction between them, and more of Neville's thought process will really add to the story.Author's Response: Thanks for the review!! I'm hoping the grammar problems will be sorted out soon, I'm hoping to get a beta to look over this for me so, hopefully that should clean it up a bit. I'm glad you thought Neville was spot on, he's my second fav character!! I see your point about her hardly being in it and I'll keep that in mind. I'll keep the thoughts and things in mind too, I think I just thought of the story and wrote it down, but looking back I do see that it could use some. Thanks for pointing it out.
Thanks again for the review
A great cute little chapter!
I think the Neville/Luna is the most adorable thing in the world, and I think you managed to capture that feeling in this. I always though that Luna would take the head to start things out with any relationship that she would be in.
I think you did a great job in this chapter!Author's Response: Heya
Thanks for reviewing!! They are aren't they! I'm really glad you thought they where in character, especially since it's the first time I have wrote either of them!
Thanks so much!
Hey there hun - I am here with your requested review :)
You have a lot of potential behind this story, but there are a lot of spelling mistakes, as well as words missing for example, before Harry and Neville start talking you missed out a word in the sentence where he was meant to 'be focusing on his textbook', but you missed out some words there ;)
So maybe look back over it agaian, and you'll see what I mean :)
I thought the pacing could of been slowed down just a little. I would of like to have seen a little more Luna and Neville - like when they first entered the broom closet, even if it was never Luna's intenetion to talk or clean, I maybe would of liked to have seen Neville try and ask her out again - I think that would be a really nice twist on the story, but other than the fact that it went just al ittle too fast for my likings, it was fine :)
However with those aside, you should be proud - I don't read much Neville and Luna, but this was a really nice little one-shot. It was different to how most people write the pairing and I thougt it was a very lovely, story. Especially how Neville felt for her :D
I think maybe a quick beta read over this would make it a lot more spell-checkish, but other than that, it was just lovely ^_^
~Karni. xxAuthor's Response: Hey Karni
Thanks so much for the great review! Thanks for pointing out those spelling mistakes. I'm going to try and get a beta to take a look at this so hopefully they'll be sorted out! I'll definitely think about putting in more stuff with Neville and Luna. Thanks so much that means a lot, I'm really glad you liked it
I think it's a cute story :) It has such amazing potential to even become longer, I think, if you wanted it too. You could do another part where Harry and the lot is bugging Neville and/or Luna about what happened :)
I do, however, have a few things I think should be pointed out. Your spacing is off, especially at the end where there is a huge gap of blank space. Maybe putting less returns when you're submitting the chapter could take care of that :)
Also, you capatalize summer. If it was the name of a person, it would be fine, but since you are refering to a season, it doesn't need to be capailzed.
The next thing I thought I should point out-- Why are Harry, Neville, Ginny, and Luna in Slughorns class? Ginny and Luna are both a year below Neville and Harry, which means they would never have classes with them, and Slughorn's potions class was only for those who made an E or above on the O.W.L.'s, which Neville wasn't in.
But like I said, it's a cute story, and I think if you fixed these few things, it could be even better!
~LilyAuthor's Response: Thanks for the idea lol it's wired you should mention about making it longer, I actually thought that a few days after I put it up!
I'm definitely going to sort out the spaces when I edit it. And I'm thinking about getting a beta so hopefully all that stuff should be sorted out.
Thanks for pointing it out about the classes! I hadn't even thought about that to be honest. I'll try and work something in.
Thanks so much for the lovely review
This was interesting!
I liked how you depicted the two of them: it made your story very happy- a very enjoyable read:) Luna was very interesting- it's always good to see her being so spontaneous. And Neville was so adorable simply being usual shy Neville!
I'm not very certain if Luna was in character, though... I thought she'd be more aloof about all this. Like it's something she takes for granted, not something she needs to work on...
One thing that confused me was the beginning- I wasn't certain about the time period... I'm guessing Harry's 6th year?
In anyway, I was really happy to receive a request for a Neville/Luna fic! There are few good ones out there, and I really like the two of them! This one was particularly cute! And it definitely catches the reader's attention with that summary;)
~ AngieAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review.
Yep it was in his sixth year.
I'll try and work on Luna. Thank you for pointing that out. I wasn't sure about her character because it's he first time that I have written a story with her in it.
Glad you liked the summary I don't even know how I thought of that one lol
Thanks again for reviewing Report Review
Hey, it's simplelullaby over at the forums with your review!
The idea's great, but overall I think it was a little too fast-paced and could have done with a little more description to beef it up.
The first thing I noticed was that the spacing's a bit off. Maybe get that sorted out a bit? It just put me off so much.
You've capitalised "Summer" when it shouldn't have been.
I liked the part where you explained Neville's many attempts of trying to ask Luna out.
"He just wasn't destined for a girlfriend" - "He just wasn't destined to have a girlfriend" sounds much better.
"Neville sighed.daydreaming about Luna" - there are so many commas in this sentence. Think about splitting it into two sentences or putting a dash where one of the commas are. It would improve the overall pacing of the story greatly.
I liked the banter between Harry and Neville. You got that spot on - you just knew that Nev and Harry had been friends for a long time through your dialogue. You could've done with a little more description in between your dialogue though - slow down the pace a little.
"It might never happen" - I'm not sure what you mean here. How does Harry know? What might never happen?
"Oh I don't know, just trying to save the world" - My favourite line!
TYPO - "I was jut wondering Neville" "just"
I think more could've been made out of the end part, what the whole story had been building up towards. Maybe a bigger confrontation between Neville and the Slytherins? Luna gets laughed at and Neville defends her, causing her to kiss him at the end? Maybe something like that?
You say "Long bottom" when this should be one word "Longbottom."
"The pair glared at each other in silence" - why would Neville and Luna glare at each other? Don't they like each other? Maybe a little more description to help explain this would improve it.
All in all, I really like the idea. I really, please don't get me wrong with all the criticism - I'm that kind of person. I think that getting a one-shot beta from the forums would improve this story greatly, and adding more description would also be beneficial. But I liked it.
I hope you found this review helpful, and please respond so I know if I've helped!
(6/10)Author's Response: Hi,
Thanks so much for your review. I understand what you meant about description, I'll definitely work on it, when I revise it and the spaces! Thank you for pointing the grammar issues too! I'm glad you liked that line! It's one of my favourites too. I'll definitely take your comments into account when I re work the ending too. Thank you so much this really helped
Hello there :) here with you review, fianlly xD
I love Neville/Luna. I love Neville/Hannah too, but Neville/Luna is just..*sigh*
I like the plot, it was interesting. Not a normal way to get together, asking to help clean out a closet...but it's a Luna-y way.
Description could use a little work.
"Harry glanced at his friend. "Cheer up Neville," said Harry, and patted him on the back. "It might never happen."
"It already has happened. She doesn't know I'm here." Neville cast a glance toward Luna and Harry's mouth fell a gap."
What happened exactly? I'm horrible with description, I'm the last one who should be talking, but yeah... I know how hard it is to do that :/.
Grammar could use some help too. There's a few mispellings I noticed. Longbottom is one word, summer isn't captalized, stuff like that. Try getting a one-shot beta, they'll help fix everything like that!
That being said, I really did like the plot. A proof-read even would fix the mistakes easily, and it would be an amazing story.
The characterization is good, though I'm not sure about Luna kissing him like that. She's a soft girl, I doubt she would kiss him like that. A little more chat maybe, them stepping closer together? By the way, what year are they in? If it's after the final battle, then I think Neville would be a bit more confident. Just a bit- not overcocky or anything...
Well, I hope your not too upset that it took me so long with this review. Life caught up to me.
Can I just say again... NEVILLE/LUNA :D (heart)
~Sara (puppyluv242)Author's Response: Ha-ha I totally agree with you, I love Neville and Luna!
I'm so glad you thought it was a Luna_y way. I was worried about this story because I hadn't written either of them before. Usually it's Dramione! But this story just had to be written lol
Description, can I go and hide lol I promise I'm working on it.
I have changed the ending to this now so hopefully the kiss won't seem to out of the blue lol I was worried about that so I'm glad you pointed it out.
I'm glad you think it could be awesome. I'll definitely work on the stuff you mentioned when I edit it!
Thank you for the review and don't worry about the wait I totally understand!
Hey there. :)
I love this, its really well done. Here is some pointers.
It seems like a lot but its really not. :)
Oh and, I've tried to give at least one example of each, but remember; If you go back to fix it, change the others that fall into these categories.
Here we go.
If you capitalize 'Summer' you need to do so in 'Summer Break'.
The spacing is a bit odd too...
~"Neville couldn’t stand it anymore. He really couldn’t. The girl of his dreams was sitting inches from him, only she didn’t have a clue. All Summer he had been trying to ask her out and all Summer he had failed...etc...He just wasn’t destined for a girlfriend.Neville sighed and placed his head in his hands, glaring at his textbook, which he was supposed to focusing on, but instead he was daydreaming about Luna."
All the way up to Harry's line is one paragraph. You only need a new one when someone speaks or a complete shit is occurring. Don't worry, I still have this issue. ;)
You have a lack of commas in some places.
~"Each time he had stumbled over his ..."
Needs to be
~"Each time, he had stumbled over his..."
Other wise it needs to be
~ Each time he had stumbled over his words he had turned bright red like a bloody beetroot.
~"Merlin Harry where you been?”
Needs to be
~"Merlin Harry, where you been?”
There's a few more.
Try to condense your sentences, they seem to be run on's and fairly repetitive, I know a lot of stories I read have this.
~Neville sighed and placed his head in his hands, glaring at his textbook, which he was supposed to focusing on, but instead he was daydreaming about Luna."
If you condense it
~"Neville sighed, placing his head in his hands, glaring at the text book he was supposed to be studying. His mind was clouded with Luna however."
~"...said Harry, and patted him on the back."
~"...said Harry, patting him on the back."
+Some more places, including the title. Its a bit long, if you changed it to, "What Happened in the Broom Closet?" or "Broom Cupboard Events".
You have too many adjectives in some places. You really only need one per sentence, if that. (This is also another example on shortening sentences.)
~"Behind them, Ginny and Luna where giggling, and with Slughorn out the room, Luna slid out from behind the desk and glided over to Neville. Ginny lifted her head up."
~"Behind them, Slughorn left the room and Luna crossed to room to Neville as Ginny watched in interest."
This one is good for explaining about all the short sentences you have.
~"Ginny lifted her head up." As I have shown, it needs to be affixed to the other sentence, but the original still needs to be shortened.
This is a bit odd
~“I was just wondering Neville."
She's wondering Neville? Should be
~"Neville, I was just wondering."
~"I was just wondering, Neville."
Anyway. This is just a hint, I do like it. Its rather cute.
*Cough enter this into the "Leave it to the readers imagination" Challenge*
~LizAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review! I'm so glad u liked it.
Thank you for the pointers too. I'll definitely change them when I edit it.
Nobody else has mentioned the title, I'll keep it in mind, but I do really love the title so it might end up staying.
Thank you for the tip about the challenge too. I have already entered this into one now though. So I'll see if it can be combined or something.
Thank you again for the review!
Overall, I think this is cute, and I throughly enjoyed reading it. Seriously, I'm not one to gush, because I think constructive criticism helps more that "omg that was sooo good", if you get my point. And now, you're probably like, shut up, Kat, and get to the point. :)
Characterisation; I think you got Neville down pretty well, however maybe some facts could be stressed better. Eg; why he liked Luna, why he blushed when he was around her. Luna was pretty good, seeing she wasn't extremely prominent in this story, but maybe some more dialogue on her part. Does she really like Neville? That kinda went through my mind.
Flow; I think it flowed nicely. Maybe a but choppy at parts (sorry, not much help here) but this was one of your strong points.
Spelling; pretty good! No prominent mistakes found here.
Punctuation; ooh, sorry, but this was kinda weak. Remember your commas!
I'll help you out here; (I'll put the correction below the actual sentence.)
"What really happened in the broom closet Neville?"
What really happened in the broom closet, Neville?
"Thank you Slughorn!"
Thank you, Slughorn!
"'Cheer up Neville,'"
"Cheer up, Neville."
"'You know the chosen one and all'"
'You know, the Chosen One, and all"
"'I was jut wondering Neville'"
"I was just wondering, Neville"
.."'Broom closet mate.'"
.."broom closet, mate."
"'On a date Long Bottom?'"
"On a date, Longbottom?"
.. Okay. Overall, I thought it was cute and charming, just fix up the words with commas, and I think it'll be good!
7/10Author's Response: Hi,
Thank you so much for the review! It helped a lot and I totally get your points!
I'm glad you thought that the flow and spelling was good.
I'll work on the grammar and I'm looking into getting a beta so hopefully that will help! Thank you for pointing out what you saw though!
I'll try and sort it out when I revise.
I'm glad you thought it was good!
Thank you again for the review!
Hey, Elenia here with your review! (:
Okay, let's get it started! I really liked the idea of your story. I think it has a lot of potential to be a great story! I think you'd just need to add a bit more description and slow the pace down! It was moving quite fast now, but still a lot of things happened.
Otherwise it was very easy to read! I think your sentence structures are great as well as grammar otherwise. I spotted only few teeny tiny spelling errors.
I liked Neville's character and his shyness and awkwardness. And the other characters that had minor parts were good too. But Luna was a bit out I think. I could not picture her actually asking for anyone's help, unless she was told to do it, maybe then. And the kiss in the end came out of nowhere, I would have liked a bit more story on why she suddenly acted like that.
But other than that, I think you did a good job! Keep on writing! (:Author's Response: Hi Elenia,
Thank you so much for reviewing!
I'm glad you liked it and glad you thought it has potential.
Description, I feel like I should hide under a table whenever that's mentioned lol I know, it's totally rubbish, I'm working on it though. Hopefully by my second go it'll be better.
I'm glad you liked Neville. I have always liked him! It's nice to know I have done him well.
Yeah, I was a tad worried about Luna, but I have changed the ending to this now, well not completely. But hopefully it's better.
thank you so much for the review!
Hi! It's Dobby here for your review!
First, I would like to say that you always surprise me how much you can get accomplished in so little words, but I really would have liked to see more interaction between Luna and Neville in the broom closet. It just doesn't seem very much like Luna to just kiss a boy out of nowhere. The ending was very abrupt. I believe there should have been more interaction between the two such as the tension or the awkwardness in the air. Luna and Neville are two of the oddest characters in the series and it would have been nice to see their quirks a little bit more.
As for spelling and grammar, it was good. There were a few mistakes that could easily be overlooked. Also, a few words you capitalize that shouldn't be capitalized, such as "summer".
I think that if you go back through your one-shot and add description and really think about what Neville would have been thinking, if you would incorporate the couple's quirkiness, this one-shot has a lot of promise!
You, yourself, have a lot of promise as a writer! Just keep improving!
-DobbyAuthor's Response: Hi Dobby
Thank you for reviewing! I have changed the ending on this a bit, so hopefully it doesn't just seem like the kiss comes out of nowhere now.
I'll work on trying to put in some of the quirks.
I changed the summers as well! Thank you for pointing it out.
I know my descriptions totally terrible lol I'm working on it.
Thank you for such the kind compliment! Once again, thanks for reviewing!
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