I'm really confused by the fact that it's not registering the fact that I'm logged on... but, hey! It's AC_rules here reviewing for the Ravenclaw review battle (hopefully by the time I actually get to post this review I'll have worked out what the issue is).
I liked the idea behind the story. I haven't seen many stories when the parents completely reject the idea of magic in an almost Dursey-esque way (only worse, because they actually chuck her out), but I wasn't really sure I could buy into the idea that this was such an easy decision for her parents to make. I think, maybe, you should make it clear that this is something that has been discussed before and that... hmmm... maybe that the parents still find it difficult? Because I shouldn't imagine abandoning your child is particularly easy, even if you are slightly cruel.
I like your character. Alex is spunky and interesting for an eleven year old (I'm assuming she's eleven?). Her interactions with McGonagal were my favourite parts of the chapter. Great start to a story! Definitely intrigued :)
(ha, finally managed to get it to register I'm logged in. Harrah!)Author's Response: Hey AC! (I know how you're feeling about logging on, it does that to me all the time)
I know what you mean. That's one of the things I really don't like about the first chapter, that it make some people think, 'This is way too over-exaggerated,' and then they stop reading. Later on, however, it's revealed that her parents had a reason to throw her out (not a good reason, as there are none for abandoning your kid, but a reason nonetheless) and that it wasn't just on a whim.
Yup, she's eleven, and that's actually my favorite part of the chapter too(: I felt like there needed to be a little lightness in it. I'm glad you liked it!
Live Life Large(: Report Review
This is a great story
i'd love to see the end of it
:)Author's Response: Thanks! I'm so glad to know you've enjoyed it:D Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Hey :) Here I am with your requested review
I'm very intrigued by this story because it is so very different to those which I have read before especially because their family is completely rejecting the idea of having a child who is a witch or a wizard and whist they haven't just rejected the place at Hogwarts they have actually rejected the child from their family.
The one thing about this story that sort of doesn't sit right with me is the orphanage just accepting her so readily. Personally in England and in this day and age we don't really have orphanages we have children's homes and there has to be so much paperwork ect for them to even get a place let alone just simply giving them their own room.
But regardless a very promising start and feel free to rerequest!Author's Response: Thanks! I'm trying to show her family as having an almost Pureblooded mindset, except that it's completely the opposite.
I know that the whole orphanage situation was rather AU, which I apologize for. I'm trying to edit the 1st chapter in a way that makes it seem more realistic, but I don't want to drag out the whole process over several chapters. Thank you for the feedback though! I'll try to incorporate that into my editing(:
I'd be expecting a rerequest if I were you(: Report Review
This was another good chapter. I like Alex she's a great original character. I think you portray her well throughout the chapter. I also thought your characterization of Dumbledore was great...it screamed Dumbledore. =)
I have a few ideas that I am entertaining at the moment about where this story is headed, but I will hold onto those because I have been surprised before. I am almost 100% clear that I know which Tom your talking about.
The flow in this chapter was good. It did have a few lines where I stumbled on wrong word choices, confusing sentences and minor errors. I will show you what I am talking about...
Please remember that I am only giving you suggestions on what I am seeing.
"Better than that hell hole I'd called home for so long."
This sentence even out loud is a mouthfull with the I'd and called paired together. I think you could get away with using 'I called' instead.
"Splendid!" exclaims the strange fellow.
Exclaims or Exclaimed?
"I made straight As all through primary school!"
This one is simply missing the apostrophe... A's
"That last sentence made absolutely zero since to me."
Since or Sense?
"In fact, I couldn't even remember my name until I was 8; Andromeda."
I am a bit confused with this one and I am not sure if it's anything to do with the plot, but I thought her name was Alexandria.
Overall, I thought it was an interesting chapter. Seeing Dumbledore come into it and explaining magical abilities is only a job I think he can do. I also liked looking at Alex's perspective of the Orphanage The flow was good and your descriptiveness although, subtle was done well. I would recommend reading each sentence after you type it to make sure that your words and sentences are the way that you want them before you post. It is a trick that has helped me out quite a bit as well.
I would love to review more of his when it comes out.
Keep up the good work! =)
-SR17Author's Response: hanks! Dumbledore is surprisingly hard to write, at least for me. I wanted him to be funny, yet still deep and meaningful. I'm so glad I managed!
Hmm, I wonder if it's going to turn out like you think? I would love to hear your predictions if you ever want to share them!
Now on to the suggestions(:
1st- Good point. That does flow loads better!
2nd- Thanks for pointing that out! I have a hard time with present/past tense sometimes so a couple of things completely slip past me.
3rd- Can't believe I missed that. That will definitely be fixed!
4th- Typo :/
5th- Funny story, actually. That was supposed to say "In fact, I couldn't even remember my MIDDLE name until I was 8; Andromeda," but I left out middle, as you can see. Then several people left reviews saying stuff like "Wow I'm so excited to find out what's up with the Andromeda thing!". So I'm considering working it into the story later on.
^And that is why I'm getting a beta soon.^
That's a good idea! I will definitely be using that tip!
I know I've said it a lot throughout both reviews, but thank you! That was some much-needed feedback.
Thanks-times-100 Report Review
This was a very intense chapter. I would be stunned to as a parent, but I don't think I would over react like that. Wow. I smiled when Alex punched her. =)
I thought you did a great job characterizing your characters. I really like how witty and tough Alex is. Her referring to Professor McGonagall as Creepy was funny too; I would be terrified of her. Professor McGonagall was portrayed well even though she was only in the chapter for a breif amount of time. I like how Alex's parents are terrified of her magic I thought that it was fun to see a family that rivaled that of the Dursleys.
The overall flow of your chapter was great. It moved, you could feel the energy and emotions throughout. However, I did see somethings that made me stumble while reading through and I would like to share them with you to get your thoughts on them... and I will share with you some possible suggestions or my thoughts on them.
"She gives me a look that clearly meant something along the lines of 'Well you're going to be a handful'"
I don't know if it's the word gives that makes this sentence sound funny. You could possibly use the word gave?
"So I called inside to my mom, "Mom, there's a creepy lady out here!"
You started off your chapter by using Mum and then reading in a couple of paragraphs you used Mom. Then you changed it back to Mum. So I wasn't sure.
"She turned to me turned to me, slapped me across the face, and said one word."
This sentence was confusing even after I read it out loud. I think you might have meant to say "She turned to me, slapped me across the face, and said one word." ?
"Act as though they never cared about me just because I was magical, whatever the hell that entitled!"
This one I was more curious about your choice of wording here. Entitled or Entailed?
I am not trying in any way to be critical of your story. I think it's great, but when I see things like this I only think that it's fair that I point them out to you when I do a review.
I really think that this story is unique and interesting. You opened it in a clever way that interests the minds of the readers to want to know more about what is going on.
I hope that I have been helpful. I look forward to reading your next chapter
Keep up the good work! =)
-SR17Author's Response: Thank you(: Honestly, I probably wouldn't have overreacted that much either, but it was necessary to have Alex sent to the orphanage.
Thanks for pointing everything out!
The 1st one did sound weird to me too, but I wasn't sure how to fix it at the time. I'll definitely be changing it!
2nd- I'm actually considering getting a beta to help with that; I think it's called britpicking? I meant to say Mum, I just forgot to several times.
3rd- Whoops. I do that a lot for some reason, and it get on my nerves SO MUCH. Thanks for pointing that out!
4th- I actually did mean entitled at the time, but I just looked up detailed definitions of the words and entails really does make more sense.
I understand completely! A person can't get better in any field unless they have some sort of constructive criticism along the way. You were definitely very helpful and I think your tips will help make this a better story.
Again, great chapter. I loved the whole discussion about Tom Riddle. That was very clever. And when Alex did Occlumency, very impressive. No many people can shock Dumbledore like that. This whole Andromeda thing intrigues me. I can't wait to find out the story behind that. Please update soon :)
Pwease?Author's Response: Thanks! I've always wondered about Occlumency, and it will definitely be mentioned again later on! The Andromeda mystery may or may not remain a mystery for much longer, I haven't decided yet.
I'll try my best to update quickly, though it may take a few more weeks.
Thanks for the reviews! Report Review
I loved it! Especially, that last line:
"This was my life, and NOBODY was going to ruin it for me."
I'm assuming Alex was eleven in this scene. What a sassy little girl. I loved her :) Right from the start I didn't like Kathryn. And then she slapped Alex and I was fuming! Man, I hope Andrew turns out to be a wizard and is reunited with her. Again, loved the chapter.
PS. You used 'Mom' twice, you may want to just change that :)Author's Response: Thank you! It's kind of the outlook on life that I attempt to have (though it doesn't always work).
She is; probably out to add that in somewhere. Thanks you for the compliments! I tried to write it so that it pulled people's emotions into play and hopefully I succeeded!
Thanks for catching that last bit! Report Review
Voldemort - obviously! :)
Cookies for me?
I quite like your story, and sort of feel bad for Alex and Andrew.
I don't get the whole "I couldn't even remember my name until I was 8; Andromeda" thing.
I'M JUST KINDA CONFUSED ABOUT IT.
Kepp up the good work!!Author's Response: DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER!!! 2 dozen of your favorite kind of cookies!
Thanks:) I do too; who knows, maybe things will get better?
As for the Andromeda thing, that may or may not remain a mystery. Sorry for the confusion:)
Thanks a ton for the review! Report Review
Grate story! :)
I loved it, but I must say that she got it way better than eny other person would've get it..
Really exated to read the next chapter :D
Love, Netta XXAuthor's Response: Thank you loads! I know, but at the time Alex is terribly confused about being abandoned and whatnot, so she doesn't have much time to think about it. She's a bit warier in the next chapter though, as you may have noticed. Thanks for the review and for pointing that out, I may go back and change it up a little.
Glad you liked it! Report Review
Thanks for the shout out! No one's ever done that for me before.
This was a pretty good chapter again, and it made me laugh out loud several times, though it was a little choppy. It would be nice if you're a bit more descriptive next time, and focused on what was around her, like when she was walking with Dumbledore. That's all I can think of... Can't wait for the next chap!Author's Response: Welcome! I've never written a story before, so I guess we're kinda in the same boat, ay?
I'm glad it made you laugh, I do try. Thanks for the output! Hopefully it will get better with time and a bit more editing:)
Not bad! I liked her epiphany at the end, it's a good idea! Can't wait for the next chapter.Author's Response: Thank you! I actually try to live by her philosophy, so some of the stuff that happens to her is based on me... Not that I'm a witch or anything;) Report Review
I am excited to see where this goesAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing! And honestly, so am I! Report Review
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