Hi here with your requested review :)
Alright so right off the bat I want to say that the concept is great. I love the idea that Lily sees Fred after he died. And the way you left off this chapter as such a cliffie I thought that was good. Now given that I did think that this chapter could use a little bit of work:
First off I felt like there was a lot of emotion in this chapter, and not all of seemed appriate. The way that everyone was acting seemed like the war had ended just yesterday. I don't think its appropriate for Next Gen kids to be sobbing about the war when in reality they never knew the people who died. Then the people who did know them seemed like the loved ones had died just yesterday. When loved ones die in real life, after a while you can think back and not sob endlessly over them. Sure you feel sad, but you don't fall down on your knees and scream why me? If that makes sense. Then I thought something was off when people were clapping because Rookwood died. That seemed kind of cruel for the wizarding comunity to be doing.
The grammar was good. I think I saw one or two words whose spelling was off but it was nothing a quick once over can't fix.
This story shows a lot of promise, the plot seems super interesting. So good work with that.
-BW24Author's Response: Awh, thanks for reading!
I'm glad you like the concept, I thought it was pretty interesting and I hadn't read a story with the same plot line. (:
I see what you're saying about the emotion, I hadn't thought about that when I wrote it. I'll definitly take this in to consideration and I'll probably go back and re-do some stuff. I get what you're saying.
I normally have a real big problem with grammar, so I'm glad it was good!
I'm glad you enjoyed, thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Please write more!! It's all soo sad, but strangely funny at the same time. Like I loved the bit when Teddy apparated in front of everyone, his cheery mood was strange for the day, but I guess that everyone was crying after Ron's speech.
I loved Ginny and James in this and I found Mallory slightly creepy, but I think that's because I imagine her like Lavender.
Keep up the good work!!
padmoonyfoot7: over and out!!
P.S. Please update soon!Author's Response: Awh, thanks so much!
I was actually considering abandoning the story..but now I'm thinking I might continue. I don't know, it's definitly not the easiest to write, but I enjoyed writing it.
Keep a look out for more, I'll hopefully be back to writing it soon. Report Review
Very sweet! Looking forward to the next chapter!!Author's Response: Thanks so much! :D
Chapter 2 will be here soon, keep your eyes open! :D Report Review
Very interesting beginning.Author's Response: Thank you!
I hope you continue to read and enjoy it! :D Report Review
Brilliant idea :D!
Can't wait to see what happens next (:!Author's Response: Thank you so much!! :D
I'll try to update soon, promise! :D Report Review
Hey! Thanks for the swap :)
So this is a really neat moment in wizarding history to address. I'm a little surprised that so many people came faithfully, considering that it was the twenty-fourth anniversary, but I suppose the event would mean a lot to the whole community. I did really like your characterization; no one was too over the top or acted in an unpredictable way. Flitwick's speech was really sweet, too. The one part of the speeches that I took issue with was Ron's remark about Rookwood and the applause of everyone in the Great Hall. Remember, Harry offered even Voldemort the chance to feel some remorse for his crimes and take his last chance to regret what he'd done and make a new start. Rookwood obviously did some terrible things, and I recognize that Fred was dearly loved by many people in attendance at the event, but I'm not sure that anyone would openly applaud someone's death unless it was Voldemort himself. The emotion just didn't seem right for the tone and purpose of the event. Do you see what I'm saying? I would just reconsider that point, that's all.
The ending was super interesting, and I'm curious to see what will happen next. There were a couple times again in the second half where the emotion seemed off to me - first, when Albus was laughing right after telling the story of Mallory's father being in prison, and again when Lily was having to control her breath. You can kind of figure out what I'm saying about the first thing, but with Lily, it just seems like she might not get quite so worked up over someone she never even met, though I can understand shedding some tears when faced with such a mournful event. Try to play it out in your mind and use emotions that make sense to you, like how you would feel in different situations. That sometimes helps to keep the emotion realistic :) Also, you've got a few typos, but it's nothing that can't be fixed with some extra proofreading or the help of a good beta.
Nice start! :)
AmandaAuthor's Response: You're welcome! Sorry for the long wait! :)
I think that people really want to come since it was such a big day and it was so momentous to all of them. You have a point since it was like, 24 years ago, but I thought there would still be a crowd :)
I'm glad you liked the speeches :D
My thinking behind them applauding at Rookwood's death was that, although he was indeed human, he had stolen lives and now he couldn't take anymore. I'm sure everyone has different opinions though, and that's cool :)
I see what you're saying completely about that moment though and thank you for sharing that with me. I prefer readers that give that constructive critisicm, so I'm glad you're helpful:D
Al laughing: I wasn't really trying to make him be laughing at Mallory's father being in prison, he doesn't like her and thinks she was annoying, so that was my thinking. i now realize it wasn't clear though, so thanks for the advice (:
In the beginning of the story especially, Lily is a very vulnerable person and she's really charasmatic, which is why I had her get so upset. She was, after all, the one nearly in tears in the epilogue when she couldn't go too :)
I'll work with planning it out more :)
Thanks for the review! I'm now on to your story! :D Report Review
WOW! First off the emotions were fantastic:D there was a wide variety!Some parts made me laugh,others made me want to cry):
Teddy--god I love him(; he is a FINE piece of work!
I hope you ignore that comment...*looking away and whistles awkwardly*
haha anyways,good details,as well as characterization.
From what I've read so far,you have a strong plot,which is a good thing!
One part that caught my attention,is that Ginnys 40.Correct,yes. But it just sent me into shock. But if Ginny's 40 then Molly would be like what 80?85?Maybe Im over shooting it,but still...And I think Arthurs her age,but I cant be sure.
I think Teddys my favorite(:
oh,and one last thing,I think you portrayed Harry well(: you have done him justice! Off to review on other sotries! 8/10Author's Response: Yay! Personally, I think getting emotions to readers is one of the most important parts of writing! lol (: Glad I did a good job! :D Sorry I almost made you cry:'( lol
Teddy.even though he wasn't in the story much (he will be as the story goes on) his tiny scene was my favourite to write! Blue haired and all! XD
haha Wait till you see the guy I'm gonna add for a chapter image of him ;D I bet you're gonna be swooning ;D lol
I'm glad the details were good! :D
I wanted to establish a strong plot fast, so I'm glad I did that! ^.^
Molly is right about the 80-ish age range. I know.I was in shock too! I don't know Arthur's, but I'd say he's about 84-85 :)
I love Teddy too :D
I did Harry justice?! Thank you soo much! He's the character I need to get right most in a way! lol :)
i'm glad you enjoyed! :D Report Review
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