Reading Reviews for You're What You Make You
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MagicalInk Several Realisations

8th June 2012:
I read the two chapters but will be summarizing in one review. It's been good!

So... where to start? Hmm, I like it that you're giving us a new perspective of Slytherin purebloods, and that Aleena isn't like them. I find it quite accurate of her being friends with Sirius as they're both some sort of outcasts and don't agree with their families' thoughts. I still think though that the 'evil guys' are slightly too nice? I like the fact that this helps with her confusion, but Sirius was told to hate them in the books, so I would add some flaws to them, such as bitter comments and arrogance so he has a reason to.

Speaking of characterization, I think you're doing good with Aleena. A lot of people could relate to her, being what she doesn't want to and having to act. Just be careful not to go too cliche and make her a twin of Sirius', rule breaker and such. It's great that she has finally realized she isn't like everyone else and that if she actually wants to truly live, she'll have to leave her family, but you could increase her conflict and make her thoughts more complex.
Again, if you added her flaws, this would come out more easily. I know she is clumsy and not-so-pretty, but how's her character? She knows she has a low self-esteem, so maybe she could be a little smug to feel better? She was still raised in a stereotypical pureblood family after all, and such things can't disappear so easily.

Are they going to run away together? That seems pretty interesting, and would definitely bring them closer. Plus, their differences would stick out and there would be some interesting conflicts. By the way, I liked the little Sirius snippet you gave us, nice refreshment.

The flow is going smooth and overall good. It's a little short, but that isn't really bothering. If you'd like to give your story more depth though, you could probably use some more descriptions (where are they, how is the light and sounds, what does it smell like...) and complicate your character's thoughts.

So I'm liking this story, and I think it has a lot of potential. My suggestions would be add flaws to your characters, and descriptions to everything, but these are only if you feel like it anyway. You're doing great, please keep going!

Author's Response: Hey(: Thank you for pointing out how the "bad guys" really aren't too bad. Writing people in a bad light is hard for me, but I'll remember that next chapter. I totally see your point.

Thank you for your thoughts on characterization(: That's probably the area I feel least comfortable in, so the tips are very helpful. I'm trying to figure out a way to write Aleena sort of arrogant and smug (seeing as she was taught to be that way her whole life) but still insecure, as it's a big part of the story.

I wasn't planning on having them run away together, but you're right. That would be interesting. Thanks for the idea(: Glad you liked the Sirius part. I wasn't sure if it would flow alright, but I haven't had any complaints yet:D

So once again, thank you so much for the CC and helpful suggestions. It really gives me something to focus on and makes my writing better. I'm so glad you enjoyed the first two chapters. :D


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Review #2, by Mystique Different Values

5th June 2012:
Hi,

This is a really interesting story that you have so far. There aren't many stories about a pureblood girl - they're mainly about Sirius. It's really wellwritten and you've provided lots of description about the characters.

In "and this Lord fellow was" I doubt that she would call Voldemort that as he is rather well known by now.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this story. By the way, I love the banner.
Mystique

Author's Response: Thanks Mystique! The fact that there aren't too many stories from a pureblood's point of view beside Sirius's is actually one of the reasons I wanted to write this!

I know what you mean about that quote. When I wrote it though, it was sort of Aleena's way of rebelling and showing that she didn't agree with what Voldemort was doing. Have you ever had a teacher that you absolutely couldn't stand, so you refused to even say their name? It wasn't that you were scared of them, but saying their name would be like acknowledging that they held authority over you, so not saying their name was like that little rebellion you could muster.

I have no idea if that was helpful at all. Hopefully it made at least a little sense.

I'm glad you enjoyed it! And I love the banner as well, Harley Quinn is very talented.
Live Life Large(:


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Review #3, by ScorpiusRose17 Several Realisations

29th April 2012:
Hi there!

Again I thought that this was a wonderfully done chapter. I love the characterization that you see progressing in it and the introduction of more characters. Sirius' little snippet was done well. I thought it was Sirius through and through. He is never one to do things in a set way and will always go on doing the total opposite of everything just because he simply can.

I thought Aleena was great in this chapter. I feel awful for her having to pretend that she is something that she doesn't want to be, but I think it makes her all the more relatable. Evan scares me. I don't know why, but any guys or characters that are suppose to be "bad guys" yet have this nice side to them is creepy. I think it helps drive the point that Aleena is torn.

I thought that you did a fantastic job with description and making Aleena clumsy on the dance floor. It helped keep the mood light amidst all the Death Eaters. I really enjoyed seeing it.

The flow was smooth and I loved how the pace felt natural along with the dialogue. It works very well together in a great combination.

Overall, I think you have done a terrific job with all of the characters, their personalities, and everything that goes into describing them and making them work. I really liked the emotions and creepy vibes from the Death Eaters. I am just content with how you have done so well with this chapter!

Keep up the great work!! =)

-SR17

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks in advance for all of the feedback(:

I'm glad you enjoyed the part with Sirius, and I must say I agree with your views on him. I think the way his family tried to push him around and shape him when he was younger really just made him all the more rebellious and resilient to rules.

Cheers for relatable characters! One of my main fears in writing is that I make up an OC that makes you shudder from how unrealistic they are. So thank goodness that hasn't happened yet! I can see what you mean about Evan; it's always strange to read about a character who's so often written in a bad light suddenly described in a good, or at least better, one.

Haha, it's nice that you thought so. I'm trying to avoid being to angsty, at least this early in the story.

Thank you for all of the helpful things you've said and for giving me something to focus on when I'm writing chapter 3! I'll keep them in mind(:


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Review #4, by hogwartschick22 Several Realisations

23rd April 2012:
I hope you update soon this story is quite interesting and I want to find out what happens when she runs away.

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! The running away bit probably won't happen for another chapter or so, but there is plotting to do(; Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #5, by blackangelwings Several Realisations

23rd April 2012:
I liked the bit with Sirius' thoughts!


Anyways, really good chapter, and I can't wait for the next! UPDATE SOON.

Author's Response: Great, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Now that summer's almost here I'll have more time to write, so this next chapter shouldn't take near as long the last(: Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #6, by ScorpiusRose17 Different Values

8th April 2012:
Hi there!

Well I think that you have a great start to a story here with lots of potential. I love the Marauder Era so anyone who takes on the task of writing about them gets my Kudos for doing so.

I liked the characters that you introduced. I would like to know a little bit more about them, but I am sure as time goes on we will find out more. I liked how you explained about Sirius and Regulus. Thank you for NOT making Sirius a playboy. I think he's just the kind of guy that can't settle down with one idea let alone with one person and that stero type follows him everywhere. I was glad to not see that here.

I felt oddly bad for your main character as she got ready for the celebration party. It was almost like I was dreading it myself. You did a great job portraying her emotions there.

I thought the flow and pace were well balanced throughtout the chapter which was nice. You didn't rush through and it didn't feel like it dragged on. The one thing that I did notice and you will more than likely want to change this is you spelled Gryffindor wrong. That is my only nit picky thing that I have for you.

Overall, I think you have a wonderful start here and I am highly interested in reading more. Like I said I love the Marauders Era, but be careful and make sure that any facts that you use from that era is stricktly correct because they are some of the more complex characters.

Keep up the great work! =)

Please let me know when you have another chapter up!

-SR17

Author's Response: Thank you! I agree with what you said about Sirius, and it always bothers me when people write him in a heartless-playboy manner.

I'm glad I managed with the emotion, flow, and pace. I've never felt terribly confident in those areas.

Oh my. I spelt Gryffindor wrong, and I like to consider myself a Ravenclaw. That will most definitely be fixed soon. Thanks for pointing that out!

I'll be sure to tell you when Chapter 2 is finally posted(:


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Review #7, by RosieQueen Different Values

6th April 2012:
It's Rosie with your requested review! :)

Wonderful first chapter. I think it does a good job of luring readers in. Very well-written, and it has a very good flow to it.
The story is easy to follow and understand, which is excellent.

Aleena seems to be a very well thought-out OC. You presented her in this first chapter wonderfully. She reminds me a lot of Sirius, because both have families that think they're 'disgraces.' Basically, she had a wonderful characterization. :D

I only noticed one mistake: as I said before, you're value here lies in you're appearance and soul (or lack of). "you're" should be "your." Not exactly a big deal, just pointing it out. :)

Overall, this is a great start to your story. I love your writing style. I really liked this, and I'll look out for future chapters. :)

~Rosie

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad I managed to do a good job on the flow and characterization, I was a little uncertain about how I did on those. I was trying to make her seem a bit like Sirius, though hopefully I can even it out so that she doesn't seem like his copy. I'm glad you could tell that their characters are similar(:

Oh, thanks for pointing that out! I probably wouldn't have noticed it otherwise.

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'll certainly be re-requesting when the 2nd chapter is up(:


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Review #8, by DumbleDoorMuffinDJ Different Values

8th January 2012:
Wow, this was REALLY well written. Good job, and thanks for reviewing and reading MY story. I'm glad I checked out your page, this story sounds amazing. MORE! WRITE MORE! YOU MUST!

Author's Response: Thanks a ton! I really put a lot of effort into making sure this flowed well, just because it gets on my nerves when stories are practically unreadable! The next chapter is taking longer than I thought it would, but it will hopefully be done in about a week:)

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Review #9, by RavenclawWayToBe Different Values

8th January 2012:
Your story is definitely not bad at all! I've also just started writing fan-fictions and I'm Canadian so it is a challenge that i share with you but i think you're doing a great job with it. The only thing i should say is maybe you should reveal a bit more of her traits (is she flirty? shy? clumsy? etc.) but you have said a lot about her. I hope you introduce Sirius soon because he is one of my personal favorite hp characters, and i cannot wait to see how you write him! Awesome writing; can't wait for your next update! :)
-RavenclawWayToBe

Author's Response: Thank you! Yes, it definitely is hard! Thanks for the feedback, I hadn't thought specifically about that yet. I'll try to incorporate her other characteristics into the next chapter so that she seems a bit more real. I'm glad you like Sirius; I do too! Hopefully I'll write him well, though he may seem a bit aloof because he's not very close to Aleena yet. The next chapter will probably be up sometime next week depending on my schedule:)

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