Reading Reviews for The List
  
24 Reviews Found

Review #1, by TimeSeer Rule Number Two

6th March 2013:
AH! I love this story so much even though there are only a few chapters up, it is still so amazing! I really love James/Lily stories and this is a really good one. I hope that you can update soon because this is a great story and I really want to read more.

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Review #2, by Serendipity1234 Rule Number Two

7th July 2012:
This is really cute so far :)
Lily and James are endearing in that they're both silly and stubborn and sweet. I like how he's the trouble maker and she's the good girl but they both bring out those qualities in each other. That's one of my favorite aspects of most Lily/James fics. Like your Lily said, they challenge each other. I also like how your James is sort of mysterious and complex. Lily said it's often more than what it seems with him and I like that.
I don't know what you have planned for this story or how long it's going to be, but if you weren't planning on making Lily's friends a significant part of the story I'd suggest that you hint about other people in her life. Maybe just mention somewhere that she's walking down the hall with someone. I just noticed that she's been on her own so far and because James has the marauders I think a friend for Lily would balance things out a bit. (I forget if this is a novel or a short story or what so I don't know if you were considering it)
It's super cute so far and I'm looking forward to more of it :)
I'm also really excited for the next chapter of Gold. That's one of my absolute favorite fics ever 💜❤♥

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Review #3, by CloakAuror9 Rule Number Two

17th February 2012:
Woop! love this story! I can't wait until she breaks the next rule. And poor James! Lily was such a sweetie lifting up his spirits like that. I knew she never really despised him!

Author's Response: Hello!

Glad you like it! I did want to show that Lily and James' relationship wasn't ALWAYS bickering - they had to have shared SOME cute moments before they finally got togther.

Thanks for the review and I hope you enjoy what's to come! :)


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Review #4, by atellam Rule Number One

15th February 2012:
Hey, here with your review :)

Alright, first up, I noticed you have random things capitalised. Like 'the' in front of Gryffindor's. That's another thing, you left out the apostrophes from Gryffindor's and Revenclaw's. Also, I feel a comma would be better placed than the semicolon after 'The List'. I'd go back over this and give it some editing, and it should be fine. :)

Okay, that stuff aside, I enjoyed this. It's fluffy and cute and makes you smile, along with decent dialogue (it's forced in so many other stories) and this is just really nice. Both James and Lily seem in cannon so far, and this is a job well done.

Just think about what I pointed out up above, and I hope that they are helpful. Keep up the writing,
- Adele :)

Author's Response: Hello again!

Thanks for pointing those out! A chapter edit is underway. :)

I'm glad it made you smile! Thank you SO much for the amazing reviews. You've honestly helped a lot!


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Review #5, by Fingerposts The List

14th February 2012:
Hey, it's simplelullaby over at the forums with your review!

As an opening chapter, it's absolutely perfect. I loved the whole 'list' thing - you've got your plot sorted out eight away with that there, telling us lovely readers what the story's actually going to be about. As for the plausibility of the story...I can so see Lily writing out a list of things she'd never do - it's such a brilliant idea!

Your opening lines though, left me a little confused. "Contrary to popular belief, Lily Evans is not stuck in the mud." I thought it was someone else talking about Lily here, and not in her POV. Maybe to help clear this up say "Contrary to popular belief I, Lily Evans, am not stuck in the mud."

But I love the way Lily is characterised, right from the beginning. A girl trying desperately to be something she's not, going on about not being stuck in the mud when she's just made a list of things she'll never do. It's spectacularly hypocritical of her, and I love it! ;D

"...does not mean I'm A stuck in the mud." why's the "a" there? It doesn’t really make sense, if you get what I mean. :P

Again I appreciate that you're taking the time to develop your Lily, which makes all the difference when the actual story starts. If we know who Lily is before she even talks...then the story is all the much better for it. You again show a brilliant sense of your protag by getting her to contradict herself again. I especially loved the line "What would their mums' say?" It's just so...Lily, if you get me. Love it!

GRAMMAR - "...but really, their thirteen." It's the other one, "THEY'RE" which would be used in the context of this sentence.

And, as a little sidenote, I love the items on Lily's "no-no" list. It tells us so much - that in seven whole years of school she's yet to break one of the rules (I think, am I right?), and that she hated both James and Sirius at the start. Already you're adding little threads of plot, little hints which could turn into a brilliant story if done right. And I'm so, so sure you are going to do it right.

I already love James, from the moment Lily informed us readers he had "the horrendous misconception which consisted of me ending up as his wife soon after we graduate." He's such a sweetie...shame Lily doesn't see it in that way.

"...I had done to deserve that...by that time" - this isn't really the right punctuation to use for this. Maybe a semicolon or a dash would be more appropriate. You have a definate flair for characterisation - you just manage to make both Lily, James and Sirius jump from the page the minute you start writing about them. I love it!

"'I saw you writing on this, Evans,'" he grinned. 'Let's see what you deepest darkest secret is, Evans.'" You say "Evans" twice, quite close together and it's ending up looking a little repetitive and clumsy, if you get what I mean. ;?

Sirius first line was also perfect - see what I mean about your perfect characterisations?

"Seriously (no pun intended) he had an ego to match Potter's" - my favourite line!

Ending was just as perfect as the opening, and I really can't think of anything else to explain it, so let's just leave it at perfect. ;P

To the overalls!

Overall Description: Could use some work, but seeing as this is an opener I'm very willing to overlook it. You could add a little more in between dialogue though. :)

Overall Plot: Is brilliant. You master the concept of an opening chapter perfectly, setting up what your story's going to be about, letting readers know exactly what they're in for. I think this is what I like about this chapter the best.

Overall Characterisation: Is a close second to my favourite. Lily is particularly-well characterised at the beginning, and her dialogue near the end carries her on nicely. James and Sirius, though mentioned briefly were also well-characterised, I thought. Brilliant!

Overall Flow: Amazing. It doesn't seem disjointed most of the way through (the part where Lily remembers the list she wrote in first year could be better transitioned). The beginning and end of the chapter are both exceptional! I just...I love it all.

Overall Dialogue: I really quite love this too. You just characterise the characters from the way you write their dialogue, and that's a pretty great thing to be able to do. After all, even if you'd added all this brilliant description on what a character was like, for example let's say you said Lily was a cockney-beggar, and then you wrote her dialogue all fancy and posh...well, it wouldn't be right. You definitely don't do this though - you follow through on your description, however minimal it is.

Writing Style: I like it, you've got your own way of putting things down, which definitely makes you stand out from other writers on HPFF. You've got your own style, and that's frankly quite brilliant.

So, yeah, I really liked this. You've got a little mixed up in terms of spelling, punctuation and grammar, but that's nothing getting a beta won't fix! Maybe the only other thing wrong with it is that there's not enough description.

Please, please respond so I know if I've helped, and feel free to drop by the thread again and re-request as soon as a slot's open! I really love your story. ;D

~Aimee~

(7/10)

Author's Response: Hello Aimee!

First off, thank you for the amazing review! And sorry it's taken me so long to reply. Real life has been getting in the way a lot lately and I wanted to make sure to actually put in the time to reply!

Thank you for taking the time to point all the grammer bits out! For some reason, when it comes to my own work, I usually skip over a bunch of mistakes. But thanks to your keen eye, this chapter is about to go through some edits, hehe.

Ahh, add more description? I do need to work on that. My descpription usually takes a back seat to my dialogue. But I'll work on it!

Thank you for the amazing review! Once again, sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I just didn't want to write this response in a rush, since your review had me grinning the whole time. :D


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Review #6, by yes! Rule Number Two

13th February 2012:
I love this story too. I can't wait to see how she breaks the next rule!

Author's Response: Hi again!

Hehe, I'm excited to upload that chapter. It will have a lot of Sirius in it and everbody loves Sirius. :D

Thanks for the review!


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Review #7, by atellam The List

13th February 2012:
Hey there, atellam with your review ^_^

First up, grammar/punctuation/spelling/boring stuff -
+ 'and dare I say, rebellious head girl.'
- 'head girl' should be capitalised. You seem to have done it in other places, but not here. Thought i'd point it out.

+ 'What would their mums say?'
- Should be mum's, although I feel Mothers would work better in this sentence. Mums seems too casual for her exasperated tone.

+ 'first laid eyes on him, since he had been'
- I think this might work better as a semicolon... Hmm.

+ 'Crazy, right? Honestly, I didn’t even know what I had done to deserve that…by that time, I had'
- You've used ellipses in this sentence and it don't make sense. I'd reword the sentence entirely, but if you want to keep it mainly the same, an alternate could be: 'Crazy, right? Honestly, I don't even know what i'd done to deserve that, because by that point I'd only spoken to him...' etc. You're allowed to play with the length of your sentences and sometimes it's nice to have a long one in there, particularly if it stops awkward cuts emerging. Anyway, food for thought :P

+ 'have resulted in him hating my very guts instead of wishing to marry me!'
- This sentence doesn't sit right. I think it's the 'my very guts' and 'wishing to marry me!' It could be something like:'... have resulted in him hating me, as opposed to finding excuses to ask me out.' I don't think the exclamation point is needed (you're a bit exclamation point happy in this fic :P)

+ "I saw you writing on this, Evans," he grinned. "Let's see what your deepest darkest secret is, Evans."
- You used Evans twice. You wouldn't use Evans twice if you were saying it, it's unnecessary, so why would you write it in dialogue? Another thing with this, is your dialogue tags. 'he grinned' is not a dialogue tag, yet you've used it like one. 'he said', 'she said', 'they whispered' etc. are dialogue tags; they describe how the quote was said. 'he grinned' is an action. Check out (Writers Resources -> Grammar Guidelines -> and then go crazy. Everything in there is super helpful and they can explain it a thousand times better than I ever could.)

Again, you're a bit exclamation happy here, particularly at the end, but that's not too big of a deal, it just disrupts the flow for the reader.

On that note...
Pacing and Flow - Pacing was good actually. Better than I thought it would be in a story written in this style, so way to go on that one! Flow was disrupted by the commas and the syntax in some sentences, but over all was alright, and nothing that can't be easily fixed :)

Characterisation - This was difficult for me. I found many of the character to come across as OOC, such as James announcing to the Common Room that he and Lily were going to get married. That doesn't sound like James, unless it was a dare or something. He might have asked her out in front of everyone, sure, but I don't think he'd be proposing/stating they were getting married in their first year. That isn't James at all in my mind, but it's your story, and he can be however you want him to be; that's the beauty of Fanfiction :P

Dialogue - this also needs some work, as it interrupts your flow. Try saying it out loud after you've typed it. Does it roll off the tongue like it does when you're talking to your friends? If not, then change the language until it does. That's honestly the best advice I can give, and I hope it works out for you :S

All of what i've said above aside, this is a very fluffy chapter that is filled with humour and fun to read. Really, well done and keep it up,
- Adele :)

Author's Response: Hi Adele!

You won't have any relation to the singer, now would you? Hehe.

First off, thank you for taking the time out to leave such a detailed review! It means a lot. :) And sorry it's taken me a while to get around to replying to it. Sigh, real life just gets in the way sometimes.

Ugh. The double Evans in that sentence has been eating me alive for the past few weeks. I really need to edit that part ASAP. Thanks for pointing out all the grammatical bits! I probably could read this story ten times through and not catch most of those. I'll go and give this chapter a thorough edit this weekend!

Hmm, I actually think James WOULD announce something like that. He's only eleven at this point, and he doesn't really think things through much. He definitely wouldn't do something like that later on in his Hogwarts career, but at this point, I don't think it's OOC. But to each his own opinion, right?! Like you said - that's the beauty of fanfiction!
Thanks for the review, Adele! It honestly was really helpful! :)


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Review #8, by Pheeebs Rule Number Two

10th February 2012:
I loved this chapter and i love this story! I really like how james isnt a complete sap and is really funny! Haha i cant wait for the rest of this story!! Please update soon?! :D xoxox

Author's Response: Hello!

Glad you like the story! I didn't want to give James only one dimension - that of a complete love struck puppy. Yes, he IS pretty much head over heels for Lily..but he also is a teenage boy!

I'll update as soon as I can! Hope you like what's to come. :)


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Review #9, by Crescent Moon  Rule Number Two

9th February 2012:
Loved this, so funny XD
Sorry it's taken me so long to review.
I really can't wait to see what's going to happen next, and which rule she's going to break. Please update as soon as you can.

Author's Response: Hello!

Oh, don't apologize for taking time to review! You reviewing at all is a favor to me!

I hope you enjoy what's to come! :)


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Review #10, by pentillium Rule Number Two

7th February 2012:
I really like how you have James and Lily exchanging banter with such fluid ease! Looking forward to what comes next!

Author's Response: Hello!

Thank you! I love reading and writing scenes where Lily and James exchange playful banter. Their history usually makes for very potentially funny conversation!

Thanks for the review! :)


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Review #11, by Mysterious Rule Number Two

7th February 2012:
This is amazing! Please write more. This really deserves more reads and reviews! This is very good!

Author's Response: Hello!

You have no idea how big of a compliment that is for any writer on HPFF. Thank you!!

I hope you like what's to come! :)


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Review #12, by Up_To_No_Good Rule Number Two

7th February 2012:
I absolutely loved that last sentence! Your take on Lily is very believable, all of your characters are for that matter. (: Keep up the good work, and I'm super mega excited for the next chapter! (:

Author's Response: Hi again!

Wohoo, thanks for the huge compliment! The next chapter's being a-written! ;)

Thanks for the review! :)


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Review #13, by Crescent Moon  Rule Number One

24th January 2012:
This is a great start!! I loved it!!
I really can't wait to see where you go with it, please update as soon as you can.

Author's Response: Hello!

Glad you like it! I'm editing up the next chapter right now. It should be in the queue by the end of the week (giving a reviewer a deadline always helps me finish faster :P)!

Hope you like what's to come. :)


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Review #14, by Pheeebs Rule Number One

17th January 2012:
YAY! I love this story! and its only the second chapter! I cant wait for the next chapter i was so excited when i clicked on it to find there was another chapter uploaded! Please update soon? :) xoxox

Author's Response: Hello!

Glad you're liking it! Chapter three is pretty much done...I have another chapter in the queue for a different story so when that one comes out, I'll stick this chapter in!

I hope you like what's to come! :)


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Review #15, by JustOneOfTheWeasleys Rule Number One

17th January 2012:
Really great. I love the idea of a chapter for each rule and the different rules being broken in different ways. I think you should make it more apparent that James loves Lily by him complimenting or something, not just his proclamation.

Author's Response: Hello again!

Glad you like it!
Well, right now he's only eleven. He's still pretty spoiled and cocky, but you'll see that overly confident side of James more too when he grows older. ;)

Thanks for the review! :)


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Review #16, by JustOneOfTheWeasleys The List

17th January 2012:
I really like the parts where Lily describes herself but I expected James to take the last rule as it being very difficult not to fall in love with.9/10, really good.

Author's Response: Hello!

Thanks for the review and rating! I'm a bit confused as to what you thought James might do? At this point, he thinks making her fall in love with him will be a piece of cake. ;) Keep in mind this scene took place during only first year though.

I hope you like what's to come! :)


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Review #17, by Up_To_No_Good Rule Number One

16th January 2012:
Awh! This is such a cute story! I expect great things of it! (: I am really interested to know how Lily breaks her next rule! (: Update SOON!

Author's Response: Hello!

Aw, glad you like the story! I'll put the next chapter in the queue within the next week.

Thanks for the review! :)


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Review #18, by Lfg Rule Number One

16th January 2012:
ooh! i cant wait until your next update, i love this plotline and im counting on you to deliver a bloody good story (no pressure ;D) i cant wait to see how Lily breaks her next rule!
-Lfg

Author's Response: Hello!

Haha, oh boy, THAT was no pressure. :P Chapter three is pretty much done...I'll put it in the queue within the next week!

I hope you like what's to come! :)


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Review #19, by Keira7794 The List

10th January 2012:
Hello :) It's Keira7794 from the forums (review the person above you - Gryffie CR ;) ).

I really liked this! I found your characterisation really spot on. Lily was fiery, stubbon and completely rules-obsessed, yet at the same time was certain that she was the opposite! Sirius and James were brilliant; both funny, flirty and big-headed. Even though Sirius was joking about framing the napkin - somehow I can imagine James keeping it very safe ;)

The only part I had a slight problem with, was her saying she had only really spoken to him once - as they've shared a common room and classes for the last seven years, it seems a little off? But's that's only a minor thing :)

I can tell this is going to be funny with Lily becoming exasperated as James attempts to fulfil everything off her list - though I think it would be interesting if he couldn't do everything - maybe one thing was never crossed off? Anyway, I really enjoyed it :)

I look forward to reading the rest of the chapters :)

Author's Response: Hello fellow Gryffie! :)

Woah, thanks for the wonderful review! I'm glad you enjoyed the chappie. :D

Ohh, when she said that she had only really spoken to him once, she meant once BEFORE she had made that list - so only once before that first month of school ended. I'll go back to make sure that was clear enough!

Hmm, you have an interesting idea there. :P Thanks for the review again and I hope you enjoy what's to come!


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Review #20, by Harry and Ginny The List

9th January 2012:
this fic is very interesting and I can't wait to read the next chapter!^_^

10/10

Harry and Ginny

Author's Response: Hello!

Glad you like it! I'll stick the next chappie in the queue either today or tomorrow. :) Hope you enjoy what's to come!


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Review #21, by THAT FUNNY PEEVES The List

6th January 2012:
Lily is just too cute...Cute and lovely story by d way..:)

UPDATE.UPDATE.UPDATE...:D

Author's Response: Hello!

Aw, glad you like Lily, seeing as she's the main protagonist and all. :P And I hope you enjoy what's to come!

The next chapter will go up once I have a banner for the story. Thanks for the review! :)


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Review #22, by BringLumosToLife The List

6th January 2012:
I reeally liked this story! It was just hilarious, and I couldn't help but get all bubbly at the end when James said,

“I always love a good challenge, Evans.”

AH! Great job! Keep writing please!

Author's Response: Hello!

Haha, glad you liked it! I did think it was a good way to end the chapter; James just opened up a whole can of worms, really. :P

Thanks for the review! I'll put it up the next chapter once I have a banner for the story...I hope you enjoy what's to come!


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Review #23, by Pheeebs The List

6th January 2012:
I love this story! its so funny the chapter is to short but i think you got the nail on the head with lily, james' and sirius' personalitys. Please update quite sooish. xx

Author's Response: Hello!

Woah, to have you say I nailed all their personalities in such a short chapter is a huge compliment! Thank you. :D

The next chapter is written, and I'll put it up once I have a banner for the story...I hope you enjoy what's to come!


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Review #24, by shellie The List

5th January 2012:
CUTE! i like it a lot, i would like to see more of the story

Author's Response: Hello!

Glad you enjoyed it! The next chapter's all done...I'll put it up once I have a banner for the story!

Hope you like what's to come! :)


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