I love NextGen and Rose/Scorpius stories so I just had to check this out!
I liked the prologue. Even though it was short, you set up the atmosphere of the story from the start, with the conflict between Scorpius and Draco. That is such an interesting relationship to explore, because it can go either way. Draco can be just like Lucius was, arrogant and drunk with power, or he could learn from his mistakes and be a better person. I'm curious as to what the conflict is between them and Astoria's view of it.
I also liked Lily's greeting. It shows that Scorpius has a good relationship with the Potters, which is funny given Harry's past with Draco.
I like your writing style. You give us just enough detail to get an image of what's going on, but you don't drown the reader in the details. The story flows smoothly and I couldn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes! Good job!
RalAuthor's Response: Hey Ral,
I'm really glad that you liked this- thanks for checking it out!
I really aimed to start to explore the relationship between Draco and Scorpius in this chapter, to get a foundation for the rest of the story, which I had planned on happening. (Though they might not be appearing now :( )
I'm really glad that you liked this, even though I'm not sure if it'll be continued. Hopefully, after a long break, I will be uploading something new to my page soon though!
It's me again.
Well, this is an interesting beginning to a story. I'm really curious to know what it is Draco's asked Scorpius to lie about. I'm also a little curious for some back story. I always wonder if Scorpius and Albus really do become friends but it still confuses me since their fathers are so different from each other, not to mention they kind of hate each other. But yeah. I am interested in reading more though and hope you update more soon.
Grammatically, I can't find anything wrong with this story. You're writing is amazing. I just wish there were more in this chapter so that I had more to talk about so that this review could be a bit longer...
Again, I hope you have a happy Christmas!
-EnigmaticEyes16 Report Review
OH HEY THERE SCOTT.
So, I'm going to try and jig your memory of something here. So think back to er, say... February. You might have this vague recollection of requesting a review from this really rude author who never turned up to review your story? Hmm? No? Yes? Well, see, that author may or may not have been me, so I may or may not be here to finally come and review your story.
(That actually translates to I'm so very very very sorry that it took me three months to get to your review request - my bad).
SO. REVIEW. You have a really nice crystal way of writing. It's really clear and crisp and it just flows really nicely. Normally, I think a lot of mediocre authors fall back on having ultra-dramatic scenes in their first chapters but the way you wrote this scene didn't feel like that. I'm talking (albeit rather inarticulately) about when you get these running-away-scenes which just seem unfounded and appear to be written by pre-teens looking for drama and funsies, but this isn't like that at all (I know, I know, why bring it up then?). So, yeah, I thought this was a really good crisp clean first chapter. Very shiny. And you manage to put an enticing amount of drama in it.
Gosh, why do I volunteer my reviewing services? I'm so out of practice at this. ACK. Okay, CC. Erm... write more? Yeah. No updates yet? Tsk tsk.
“You know what? That has to be one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever had to make.”
^ I really liked this line. I think it told a lot about the relationship between Draco and Scorpius through very little. To me, it seemed like Draco was just throwing the ultimatum out there - not in a serious way, just as like one of those things you say in an argument when you're feeling a bit childish. So for Scorpius to take him up on it is definitely interesting. I think it reveal a lot about Scorpius and makes think you've probably got loads of delectable layers of well developed characters to hit us with in the next chapter (where is that, by the way?)
So, yeah, I think I've more or less failed on all accounts: being punctual, making sense and providing constructive criticism. But, hey, I showed up eventually right?
I'm sorry this is so terrible. No, really, I am. I think I need more sleep.
-ACAuthor's Response: You know how you a story review a long time ago and the rude author never replied. Well, now they are. :P
I'm really glad that you liked the style in which I wrote this. A clean, crisp first chapter? That sounds a pretty good response to me. :)
To be completely honest, I didn't read as much into that line as you did, though I'm glad it had that effect as all of what you said is true, in terms of the characters in my mind. The next chapter, revealing a little more about both of them is... lost in the post? :S
Thanks for the kind review!
Scott Report Review
So you were talking about having a Rose/Scorpius the other day and I absolutely just had to come see what it was about. Like I think I've told you before, I love to see what men do with romance, because it's so over done when girls write it. In addition, this is my ABSOLUTE favorite next gen pairing, because it's the Dramione that COULD happen hahaha.
So, I like the start here, it's definitely good, and I'm excited to see where you take it. I find it interesting that Scorpius was so close with the potter kids growing up, given their father's distastes for each other, but then, anything could happen, couldn't it?
I think that if Draco got angry enough, he absolutely could offer an ultimatum to Scorpius and try to bend him to his will. Good job portraying that.
I have one eensy..weensy...little...syntax...thing. The first paragraph, while written well and very descriptive...has the same first word over and over again "He." That's my only complaint with this story so far hahaha. Using the same word to start each sentence in a row. But other than that, it was great!! I can't wait to read more and see what you come up with!Author's Response: YAY Thanks for reviewing!
Where I'm taking it? Sadly at the minute, it's not going hugely far, although I do have some of the next chapter written. When I finish it is anybody's guess. :P
I think it's possible they became friends, I mean, after all, the War was 19 years before Albus and Scorpius were first years, so I guess it's possible. But I see your point- it's quite hard to predict what would've happened...
Thanks for pointing that out about the repeating 'he'! I'll watch out for that writing in the future!
Thanks for the review, and hopefully I'll be ready to update soon! Report Review
It's a good start chapter to get the readers attention, and a great lead in to whatever it is you were wanting to do with the story. It would be great to see some of why Draco is making him chose and all, though :) But you've done well, especially with expressing the tension, and your characters are hard to say, with such a small glimpse :)
~LilyAuthor's Response: Thanks Lily! :)
I'm really pleased that you think this is a good start, because it's something I'm hoping to follow up soon. :)
Hopefully you'll see more from the characters when the next chapter gets written. :)
Thanks again! Report Review
It looks like you're off to a good start here. I enjoyed the descriptions at the beginning, we could really get a good feel of the tension that existed between Scorpius and Draco, and the setting of the manor provided a strong backdrop that really added to the story.
In the future chapters, I would like to see some more background information about Draco and Scorpius's relationship and what caused the tensions that brought them to this point. I imagine it would have to be something pretty significant.
The closing scene provided a nice transition and gave us a god glimpse of Scorpius' and Albus' friendship. Lot's of potential so far!Author's Response: Hi :)
Thank you! I'm glad that you think it started well, otherwise I'd have to edit it and worry about what I'd written before I carry on. :P
There will be more background coming in, part of C2 describing that has been written.
Thank you again! :D Report Review
A very great beginning to your story! I liked how you split it and had him walking away from his dad in the beginning and then walking up to the Potter house. It was really short but still a good beginning as it did what it needs to, bring a reader in and interested to find out what happens next. I think I'm even going to favorite this after I leave this review because Im interested to find out what does happen and how the Potters take to there new house guest. From the little bit of characterization that we got to see I thought it was very good. Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Wow- thank you!
I'm really pleased that you liked this :) It was weird to write something like this, but I really enjoyed it.
I hope you read and enjoy chapter two when I get around to uploading one :P
-accioHPFF Report Review
Well I must say this is short but sweet. I really like the fact it's so short because you don't give much information away which makes it more intriguing.
Scorpius leaving home is so similar to the Sirius story which is nice as it shows that not all purebloods want to stay in the same family. Although I'm rather interested what Draco wants Scorpius to lie about!
I like the idea of Scorpius going to the Potter's because it reflects again the Sirius and James but I've always imagined that Harry's would pretty much be an open house in which everyone just dropped in.
Well done on this. I'm intrigued to read on!Author's Response: Thanks!
I'm really glad you liked this.
Obviously I was given the summary for the challenge, but I love its similarities with the Sirius situation.
I'm focussing on another story for now, but there will be some work on this in the next few weeks!
Thanks again! :) Report Review
I always like seeing people’s takes on Rose/Scorpius. It’s mainly in hope that there’ll be more to the characters that we don’t actually know anything about that might be introduced with the new author taking them on.
I have a slight bit of advice here. In the first paragraph, you do well in terms of letting the reader know what Scorpius is doing but at times, the description sounds a bit stiff—I think it’s because almost all the sentences start with “He” when perhaps it could be changed up a bit. Like for instance:
He marched across to the coffee table and collected his wand, as well as a handful of gold Galleons. He stuffed them into his pocket as he stormed back to the entrance hall. He walked toward an alcove and collected his old Hogwarts trunk, which he had already packed with clothes and other necessary items, and headed for the door.
He marched across to the coffee table and collected his wand, as well as a handful of gold Galleons. Stuffing them into his pocket, he stormed back to the entrance hall where he collected his old Hogwarts trunk, which he had already packed with clothes and other necessary items, before he headed for the door.
Although, I do have to warn you that I have a tendency to have run-on sentences and so you could go ahead and ignore this advice. But do continue to delve into descriptions because it allows me to “watch” what is happening.
Hm, what could Draco be asking of Scorpius that he felt it necessary to leave rather than do as his father asked? Very mysterious…
Also, as an aside, I think it’s cute that Albus hugged Scorpius hello :)
A good start! I’ve got questions that I want answered and so this makes me want to read the next chapter (once you’ve got it)
xCharAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! :)
Firstly, I agree with the comments on the first paragraph, and will look to edit that soon. Thanks for the advice there :)
Hopefully I'll be able to get an update up in the not too distant future, although I have to concentrate on another fic for now. :P
Thanks again for the review!:) Report Review
Oh wow, this was great :)
I really want to read more! This was such a fantastic introduction, to what looks like a brilliant story. It was the perfect amount of information to get me instantly hooked into wanting to read more, so brilliant job :)
I'm sorry this is sort of a short review, but I really can't give you any criticisms; I thought this was fantastic! It's going on my favorites, and I'll be watching for updates :) Great job!Author's Response: Wow, thanks so much! I'm working on my other new WIP this week, but I really do hope to get another chapter out soon! I do have quite a lot for the next chapter already written, so we'll see. :)
I'm really pleased that you like this, and I hope that chapter two turns out as well as this did! Thanks again for such a kind review! :) Report Review
I liked this introduction, it leaves you hanging. Are you continuing this story- if so are you planning the chapters to all be a similar length to this? I hope if you do keep going with it, they get longer (In my story, Harry Potter: A New Beginning, I wrote the first few chapters incredibly short, and found that the longer they got, the more interesting the story became to my readers) but that's just my unimportant opinion:) Anyways, excellent start!
Unique and exciting- I liked it alot:)Author's Response: Thank you so much!
I've got most of the next chapter written out, and it will be longer, although I am apparently a fan of shorter chapters.
Thanks for the review :) I'm glad you liked the start :) Report Review
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.
Prologues are always hard to review, because they're always rather short and mysterious. I only noticed a single typo, so I'll get that out of the way:
- "A house elf cowered as he past," - passed?
As far as the substance of your chapter, I think you did a good job of setting the stage for what promises to be an interesting "coming of age" type of story. Scorpius seems to have hit his limit for whatever it is that Draco is asking him to do, say or believe, and he's fleeing to the house of his best friend whose father also happens to be Draco's mortal enemy from school. We don't really have enough information to know what Draco and Harry's relationship is like in this time, but based on the way you've presented things, I would guess that it isn't chummy.
Let's see, what else can we divine? Lily is old enough to be friendly with Scorpius, so she's probably school-aged. Al seems a bit surprised to see his friend, so he probably wasn't aware of how serious the problems are between Scorpius and his dad. And Scorpius thinks of the Potter house as a second home, so he's clearly spent a lot of time there.
Aside from the one typo, I thought your writing was really solid. You mixed up the dialog and the narrative well, and threw in some interesting little details that actually give us other clues about the characters: Draco holding the rail with his right hand (not his wand); the Potter house has a shorter driveway (the Potters might not be quite as affluent as they are in many fics of this era).
Good job! I definitely think I'd like to read more of this story.Author's Response: Thanks for the review.
I really should change that, a couple of people have pointed it out.
I'm glad that you're left wondering, I did try to keep all of the details in this quite generic.
In regards to ages, they're in their late teens or early twenties. I tried to drop in a couple of pointers, but it becomes more obvious in the next installment.
I really don't know what to say, apart from thank you! Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon :) Report Review
Hey! I am here to review, in part because I like you and in part to thank you for all your hard work during secret santas. :)
This was a really good first chapter. I thought that you did a great job at showing the dynamic between Scorpius and the other characters who appeared - I got the tension that exists between Scorpius and his father, as well as Albus and Lily's affection for him (and that they had no idea that he was coming). The only thing I would suggest is that you could have been a little better at is contextualizing it - while leaving things open in a first chapter is great because it piques people's curiosity and keeps them reading, I wanted a tiny bit more information about what was going on between Scorpius and his father.
Other than that, though, this was great! :)Author's Response: Thanks for the reviews :D
I'm glad you liked this. Mainly this was just aiming to set the scene of him leaving, but nothing else much, that's all to come. Although I take what you say on board, a bit more information could improve this!:)
Thanks again! :) Report Review
Hello. :) I figured it was about time to return the favor of the unexpected review. This is a very short chapter/prologue, so there aren't a huge amount of things for me to comment on, but I usually find something to ramble about.
I don't really have any idea what's going on so far (which is often the case at the end of a prologue!), so I'm not sure what Scorpius' lie might be that caused Draco to apparently disown him. However, the paragraphs at the end made me think of Sirius Black leaving his home and going to the Potters. It seems like a definite echo, there, and obviously, it is stated in the summary you were given.
I haven't read the other reviews, so I don't know if anyone has pointed this out or not. I did notice one error for sure: past instead of passed in the first paragraph. I also thought the first paragraph was rather heavy on describing all the different ways in which Scorpius moves around. There are only five sentences, but there are footsteps, stamping, marching, storming, walking, and heading. I think it could be made a little smoother, although the writing does reflect the turmoil and excitement Scopius is feeling.
I liked the description of Scorpius leaving. He retreats down this gravel path and then finds himself outside the gates. It's all very final and symbolic somehow if you want to get all literary about it.
I think you have a start that will definitely get some readers intrigued and wanting to know why Scorpius has been disowned (and others who are just waiting for the Scorose scenes to appear :P ).Author's Response: OMG! Thank you! Seeing these reviews made my day! :D
Thanks for pointing that error out firstly, that's something I can correct. The first paragraph is very heavy on the descriptions, and I'm so glad you pointed that out to me.
I'm glad it's all very mysterious, but I have a good idea where this is going, and all shall be revealed. :P
I loved the summary to this, and the echo with Sirius is definitely there. Also, I'm so glad that you liked Scorpius' departure, that is probably the bit that's most important in this chapter, to me anyway.
Thanks for such a great review! You're awesome! :D Report Review
Wow! They ARE very different! Really hooking beggining, I can't wait to read more! I have always thought that Scorpius would be different (I'm working on a fanfic on that actually :P), but I'm still not sure about Draco. I guess we're not going to see him again, so maybe you should add some more description of him. Has the war affected him in anyway? Is he always the same? I bet you could explain that by simply describing the way he talks, for what I just read you're obviously very talented. Another thingy, how did Scorpius arrive to the Potter's house? Is he now allowed to do magic out of school? I'm sure you could also clear that up very easily, maybe by just saying he was happKy he could now apparate whenever and wherever he wanted.
Other than that, it's really good. Please update fast! ;)Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
I'm really glad that you enjoyed this, and I will try to update soon, honestly. :D
We will see Draco again, and you'll hopefully learn a lot more about his character later on in the story.
Scorpius apparated to the Potters. This was one of my main concerns actually. I was worried that it wasn't very clear, but I tried to add in a couple of hints about his age. So yeah, although I haven't specified how old he is yet, he's over seventeen, and has left Hogwarts.
Thank you again, so much, for such a kind review! Hopefully there'll be an update soon! Report Review
It's Ash here with your requested review! Okay, I like how you've decided to open your story. Having Draco still very much concerned with loyalty within the family was a nice touch seeing as it is a trait I doubt would leave him even in the time that had passed seeing as it seemed to be forced upon him quite strongly in his youth. I also like how Scorpius appears to be significantly different to his father, despite knowing that he is similar in appearance it is clear that both are entirely different men and their actions and words do strongly suggest this. I gathered that Scorpius does seem to be a better man than his father and he seems to know the difference between what is right and what is wrong and I'm certainly curious to know what Draco wants him to lie about.
There were a couple of little grammatical/spelling issues I noticed in this chapter, in the first line "A door slammed and footsteps echoed through the entrance hall to the Manor as Scorpius Malfoy stamped/stomped down the staircase and through to the lounge." The stamped/stomped in the centre of the sentence is a little distracting while reading and disrupts the flow of the sentence and paragraph overall, perhaps selecting one or the other might work better as they are very similar actions. Also, the use of the phrase "the grounds" in the seventh paragraph down twice in such a short space of time seems a little awkward when reading. Perhaps the first usage could be changed to 'the manor' or simply removed. For some reason having both just stood out a little to me. Aside from those two small issues, and a few sentences that seemed a little awkwardly worded the chapter was well written overall.
It does flow quite nicely, despite the chapter itself being a little short. Perhaps you could extend it a little to give the reader a little more insight into the relationships between the characters. It's clear Scorpius and his father don't exactly have a perfect relationship but why is this the case, and why does Scorpius react this way around Draco etc. Perhaps a little more detail could be given when he arrives at the Potter's as well, it just seemed a little brief although I perfectly understand if your going to extend this further in the next chapter, if that's the case then just ignore my rambling! Aside from those few little points I think it does flow nicely and it certainly opens up the plot of the story and I'm interested to see where it is going based upon the summary!
I really think you've captured the characters well, Scorpius in particular and I really like how you've characterized him, Draco as well. It's nice to see that he might not have completely changed and become a kind and caring man following the war. I think your version of him is very well written and perfectly within character. I also liked how you've portrayed the strength of Albus and Scorpius' friendship, nothing could have summed it up better than a hug, because really it makes me think of Ron hugging Harry in the movies. Overall, great job on this piece, it certainly has the potential to be a really exciting story and based on the summary and this first chapter it is something I'm looking forward to reading more of!
Keep up the great work!
~ AshAuthor's Response: Wow! Thanks for such a great review!
I'm glad that you saw the differences between Scorpius and his father, because I guess that was definitely something I wanted to convey. As for the terrible lie, that will become clear in the next chapter or two :)
Thank you for pointing those errors out! I skipped over the stamped/stomped, and meant to eventually delete one. Obviously I ignored it as I was uploading, which was stupid of me.I'll put a correction in for those things.
I realise that this is a little short, but I tried to keep this brief, it was really just a stepping stone to the main story. I kind of hoped that this would just introduce the story.
I'm so glad that you like the characterisations as well, because this is my first true attempt at writing characters that aren't the Founders.
Thanks again for such a great review! Report Review
Hello, I'm here for the review for your challenge!
And wow, what a start! It is so dynamic and gets the point across so well. This was one of my favourite summaries and I couldn't wait to see how it turned out. And this is so much better than anything I could have asked for! Your description is brilliant and I cannot wait to see how the rest of this turn's out. 10/10 so far and a definite contender in the challenge!
E xAuthor's Response: Hey Emma!
Thanks for the review!
I loved this summary too, and I'm glad that you liked the prologue. I just hope I can do it justice!
The next chapter is about half done, so hopefully I'll upload that soon!
Thanks again for reviewing, and thanks for an awesome summary- I've been waiting to write a Next-Gen, and this really gave me a nudge to go for it! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection