Ah, and finally the Slytherin point of view! I love how you have done it from the points of view all three houses, it's so very unique and interesting.
Boy, this kid Marcus is a piece of work, isn't he?
One thing I really liked in this chapter is the way you incorporated the way they grew up. You know it never really occurred to me that these wizards would play death eaters, and actually attack muggle villages, like that is so horrible! But I mean, I guess some kids play cowboys and indians, or aliens invading and killing everyone, so boys will be boys, but still, applied in this way it just seems so evil and awful!
We do have a bit of the stereotypical mean Slytherin thing going on here, I think its very believable here, especially because of the time period its set in. But this guy goes beyond that, he is just inherently mean. He seems to have no respect for anyone, even his professor, and he delights in others pain, which is just wrong, and yet the perfect characteristics for a death eater, or the son of a death eater.
I think one of the things that really solidified the evilness of the character wasn't even the part where he laughed at Tonks and delighted in the anger of the Ravenclaw, but rather when he was thinking about tracking the mud into the castle and having the squib clean it up by hand. That is just so very awful and really displays the intolerance that was running rampant at this time, especially in Slytherin house.
I loved this little story, it was so different and unique, looking at one seemingly insignificant incident through the eyes of three different people from three different houses. I really enjoyed it very much :)Author's Response: Hello! Unfortunately, I couldn't find a way to easily add a Gryffindor's point of view... And the story seemed complete to me after Marcus' chapter.
Yes, Marcus certainly is a piece of work. I'm glad that you liked the childish games that they played. Just like you said, if we muggles can play cowboys and indians as children, why wouldn't the prejudiced pureblood children play wizards and muggles? :P But yes, it is a very awful concept.
Yes, I realize that I played Marcus off as a stereotypical mean Slytherin. However, it was the impression that I got from what little we saw of him in the books and the mean personality fit nicely into the context of the story. I will say that it was very interesting to create and then write a backstory, a childhood, for him.
The part about tracking mud into the castle fit so nicely into his character that I couldn't just leave it out, now could I? :P
I'm so glad that you enjoyed the story and thank you so much for taking the time to leave these amazing reviews! Report Review
I loved this! I think the perspective that you have going on here is really cool, looking at things from every single different little angle.
I love Tonks' character in school, I have never really read about her in school before so I think that this is a cool little piece. And her poor friend, I've definitely been there before and it's not a fun place to be. I love how compassionate Tonks still is. Even after the eggs get spilled off the plate she still goes into the kitchens to try and get her friend some eggs. I think one of the things you have done so well in this story (and something I mentioned in my last review) is that you've shown, so far, that each character really belongs in the house you put them in. In the first one it was all about Ravenclaw and books and being smart and studying, etc. In this one, it was totally about loyalty. Tonks' loyalty to her friend, staying up all night with her in the bathroom even though she didn't really want to. Her perseverance in finding the eggs, making sure her professors knew that her friend wouldn't be in class. She didn't HAVE to do all those things, but it's just a trait of loyalty and I really enjoyed that aspect of the story.
And then there's this Ravenclaw, who is just as annoying in this chapter as she was in the last. I'd pick Tonks' side of the story any day :)
I really really enjoyed this chapter, again, the flow of it was just sensational, and though it wasn't about super exciting subject matter or anything, it still kept me very entertained all the way to the end. Anyone can do big theatrics and cliffhangers and all that jazz. It's the mark of a very good writer who can keep the reader entertained by writing about people getting sick in the bathroom and a trip to the great hall to get eggs. :)Author's Response: Hello! I'm so glad that you like the idea of looking at everything from a different angle. It's weird how much perspectives of a single scene can change from person to person, isn't it?
I'm glad that you liked Tonks' character in this piece. I hadn't really thought about her character before this piece either but once I started writing it seemed entirely natural for her to do what she did here. I actually didn't start out writing this chapter with the intent of showing her loyalty but it's interesting what comes out when you're not trying to focus on it.
Haha- I'd pick Tonks' side too, though I'd probably still be sympathetic to Marianna. After all, it just wasn't her day, was it? It wasn't even her week.
Haha- I'm glad that you enjoyed this chapter. I definitely agree that it wasn't the most exciting material but it's great to hear that it entertained you all the same. Report Review
I chose this story because I was intrigued by the concept of telling a story in three different versions. I'm glad I chose it! I'm looking forward to seeing the other two chapters and finding out what this scene is like from different points of view.
Marianna, oh my goodness. She is like six Hermiones crammed into one brain. Working out the math of how much notes she would have the opportunity to read while walking to class, and calculating every aspect of her day just so, really amused me. I think that my schedule would probably drive Marianna nuts (there's no order to it at all). I enjoyed her near-manic OCD tendencies to micromanage everything, even coaxing one of her friends into following into her sleep patterns. And when she said that when you were nice to the Ravenclaw dormitory knocker, it actually gave you trickier riddles (which she seemed to look forward to!) I just sat there thinking that there is no way I could ever be in Ravenclaw. My whole high school career was about how to get out of doing difficult things and procrastinating everything until the last moment. To read about a character so opposite was actually kind of fun.
Losing it over fried eggs. I cannot imagine. But from her point of view, I can see how this ruined everything. Marianna thinks not just of the here and now, but how her entire day is going to operate, and if a wrench is thrown into one part of it, the rest gets messed up, too. So eggs on her book is practically a reason for tears. It's unfortunate that Flitwick heard her. I couldn't believe he gave her a detention for that, since it seems that kids at Hogwarts are forever doing bad things and all they get are a few deducted points, but I suppose that Flitwick must expect more from students in his House and is therefore more strict with them. Poor Marianna is probably going to lament all of the things she could have been doing while she serves her detention.
Great first chapter!Author's Response: Hello there! I'm sorry I haven't responded before this... I've just been really busy.
Haha- that's a nice analogy! Marianna certainly is a more intense version of Hermione. I'm glad that you enjoyed her odd tendencies- they were certainly fun and interesting to write. She's the extreme version of a good student- I just had to take some of my tendencies and multiply them in intensity by approximately a hundred. :D
Yes, the Ravenclaw knocker is one of her joys and would probably be the death of me. I'm just no good with riddles (I get really frustrated with them and the only time it seems that I can figure them out is when I knew the answer already).
I'm glad that Marianna's reaction worked within the context of her personality. I'm sure it would have seemed rather insane, otherwise. Yes, Flitwick has a stricter policy for his Ravenclaw students- they are supposed to be the reasonable and intelligent ones, after all.
Thanks so much for the great review! I really enjoyed reading it! Report Review
Well I have to say that you did a brilliant job with this character. She is a Ravenclaw through and through, so worried about her tests and the books. I absolutely loved how very stereotypically Ravenclaw she was!
For example, the entire PARAGRAPH you spent about the library and the books, that was just brilliant. Studying and book clearly are one of the most important things to her, and because you established that so very well early on, her heartbreak was palpable when the egg incident occurred.
And her reaction was so angry toward the girl, as if something really horribly awful had happened to her, which clearly in her mind it had. And part of me was really happy that Flitwick called her out too, because she was kind of mean to the poor girl.
The level of detail in this is stunning. To me, it's the small things that really make this story pop. Because let's be honest, at it's core it is a story about a girl who loves and cherishes books, she goes and eats breakfast while studying, and as she leaves a girl bumps into her and ruins the book.
But it's the way you TELL it, like it's the most captivating story ever. The emotion leaps off the page, you feel this girl's despair. Her annoyance at her friends and their habits, the break in her routine (I think Marianna might be a tad OCD) it just all flows together and makes a nice, well rounded piece of fiction.
I really enjoyed reading this story, and I look forward to reading on :)Author's Response: Hello!
I'm so glad that you liked Marianna. She's certainly a character- she displays her House traits very solidly. I wonder how Ron would have reacted to her in first year, if he thought Hermione was bad... :D
I'm glad that everything fit together nicely. It was very important to me that I described just how important her studies and books are to her because otherwise her reaction at the end would seem over-the-top and out-of-character (as OOC as it can be for a character that the reader met only a few paragraphs ago).
Yes, Flitwick couldn't let her attitude go unpunished, no matter how justified it was in Marianna's eyes. Poor girl.
Haha- that description is perfect. Unfortunately, I don't think many people would choose to read this story if I put that in the summary box... But I'm so pleased that you enjoyed the level of description. Marianna was actually quite fun to write, once I got into her mindset.
Thank you for reading and for leaving such a lovely review! Report Review
Don't we all know that feeling? When you're stressed and everything just seems awful and out to get you. I don't blame Marianna for shouting.
I really enjoyed the narrative here. It was so well done, especially in third person narrative, which tends to make it harder to write a good inner-narrative than first person point of view. I thought it was a really realistic and appropriate portrayal of the stress that comes with being a student and being in school. She has to put up with all her workload and friend dramas at the same time, so no wonder she snapped.
If I had to offer some criticism, I'd maybe go back and read the dialogue aloud. It was a bit stiff, which suited Flitwick very well and was more appropriate for his age, but I thought it was a tiny bit formal for Marianna. Other than that, I thought everything was really well done, the narrative voice especially.
Well done and Merry Christmas!Author's Response: I most certainly have had those days where you just want to crawl under your covers and stay there forever. Sadly, the world doesn't allow you to do that.
I'm glad that you enjoyed the story. I find first-person harder to write than third-person, so I'm glad that third-person worked for you. I'm also very pleased to hear that Marianna's reaction was believable. :)
I'll go back and look at the dialogue. When I was writing it I used formal language because that was how I pictured Marianna acting but perhaps I went overboard... She is just a teenager, after all.
Thank you and Happy Holidays! Report Review
Oh joy, I get to read about jerk face. >:P Gr, laughing at Tonks. He already starts out as someone I donít like. Someone who likes laughing at othersí expense and thinks that heís all that (which heís not).
Goodness, heís a wild one. Especially with a brute of a father such as his. His mother sounds cool though, taming dragons and such. Maybe this is good parenting where he comes from but to me, bleh, it makes me cringe.
LOL, this whole thought process of Marcusí in terms of waking up early in the morning to play cards and do his homework is a little at odds with his roughness. Heís almost waxing poetic here.
Well, there isnít a good part of him is there? Enjoying the thought of Filch being furious about mud being tracked in, then the idea of what Filch would do to the other students, geez. Such a Slytherin.
Itís funny how observant he is. But because it has a nefarious purpose in the end, I supposed he can be excused.
If you meant for me, a good-hearted soul, to not like Marcus, well, you have accomplished your purpose!
Overall, this short story was interesting in that it seemed you simply took it up to make a study of viewpoints on the same thing. Itís like having a slice of Hogwarts life and what makes people react to a certain thing. The incident in question just being a plate of fried eggs being tipped over onto a book and one girl screaming at another who then gets laughed out of the Great Hall. Then we saw it from each of the different viewpoints and where I was once sympathetic(ish) of Mariana (see I got her name!) I then became a little put out with her from Tonksí viewpoint and I just didnít want to agree with Marcus at all, horrible person that he was.
The flow and characterization was good. You made these three people real to me in the snippets you provided. You are certainly a good writer and getting better!
xCharAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing the last chapter! I always enjoy reading your reviews very much because I love reading about your reactions to the events in a chapter! You're always so thorough.
Marcus' last name is Flint and you actually see him in the books as the mean Quidditch captain for the Slytherin team. I just imagined a past to fit his personality!
I had him get up early to do his homework because he has to at least do it, even if it is at the last minute. I think that he would also enjoy being alone for a little while instead of being surrounded by people he considered "beneath him". I suppose it can seem a little strange...
I certainly never meant for someone to like Marcus! It was just an interesting perspective to add to the story- the spectator who would actually pay more than a passing thought to the egg-incident.
I'm glad that you found this concept interesting- I certainly enjoyed writing it, though it was difficult at times to ensure that none of the details contradicted each other. I'm so pleased that you think I'm a good writer (seriously- I have a huge smile on my face) and I'm glad that I'm getting better!
Thanks once again for reviewing! Report Review
Hey, Char here with your requested review! I just realized that I could probably just knock out the other chapter too since this is completed and I canít stand to have incomplete stories! Plus I like your writing :)
Was Tonks really in Hufflepuff or do we just like doing that to her, since no one was in Hufflepuff?
You have a way of putting in little tidbits of detail about a personís life that makes the reader feel more connected with the character. Itís a good skill to posses! For instance, now I know that Tonks is pretty loyal as a friend and also a heavy sleeper but is also close to her mother who was a good mom in that she doesnít let her daughter oversleep.
Hmmm, long-lasting chocolate.
Pernicia. What an awful name. Is her father of significance?
Gar, now that Iím reading Tonksí point of view (when Iím actually near my internet, because I saved this as a word doc so I could read it elsewhere, Iím going to check out the first chapter again because I had no idea it was Tonks), all Iím thinking about is how the Ravenclaw (because unfortunately Iíve forgotten her name) is a *insert bad word here*.
:( Oh Tonks, our lovely and clumsy Tonks, you are way cooler than anyone in that hall! I hate reading stories or watching movies where someone is getting super-embarrassed because then I become embarrassed! Itís a strange reaction known to a lot of people but for me it is a mark of good writing/acting that Iím pulled into the story like that. Good job!Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing and I'm glad that you enjoy my writing! I think it's known for sure that Tonks was in Hufflepuff- I'm almost positive that J. K. Rowling confirmed it.
I'm glad that you enjoy the way I put little details about the characters into the story. Often while I'm writing I'll think "Hey! This is how they would feel about this!" and include it (a really vague example, I know...). As well, I'd love some long-lasting chocolate too... Chocolate always disappears way too quickly.
Haha- Pernicia is a unique name! Her father isn't of significance but I mentioned him because I felt like it could be a part of a regular conversation, almost like an inside joke, as if Pernicia had complained of her father's delicate constitution before and was making fun of it now.
Yes, Marcia was quite mean to Tonks. In her defense, though, she was having an awful time of it herself!
Don't worry- I get embarassed all the time as well for characters. I felt really bad for Tonks while I was writing this.
Thanks once again for reviewing! Report Review
Hey! Back for the final chapter :)
Wow, what a surprise! I really love your characterization of Marcus here -- his background was very interesting to read about, and very believable, and I like how he referred to Filch simply as "the squib". It says a lot about his opinions of others, particularly those whom he sees as "beneath him".
Considering Marcus's low opinion of others, it was especially interesting to watch the fried egg disaster unfold through his eyes and to read his commentary on the individuals involved. I also liked how he immediately switched back to thinking about the present and the impending doom of classes, because the event wouldn't have registered too much for him, not the way it did for the others. You did a good job of switching between viewpoints with regard to the gravity there.
I liked the end of this, too -- not just because you included my favorite character (Snape, if you didn't know) and characterized him so perfectly, but because it was a humorous take on the whole incident. Marcus is so awful, wishing for everyone to get into trouble!
Haha -- very entertaining and creative piece. Nicely done! :)
AmandaAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad that you enjoyed this story as well as Marcus' characterization. He was quite different to write from Marianna and Tonks- he was the only one to actually enjoy the incident!
I'm glad that you liked how he referred to Filch as "the squib"- though he liked his ideas, Filch's blood status made him irreversably "beneath him". I'm also very pleased that you liked Snape's characterization- it was interesting to write about him (however briefly) from the point of view of someone he was neutral with.
Thanks once again for reviewing! They always put a smile on my face! Report Review
After reading through the summary and the chapter summaries, I have to say that I really like the idea behind this story, showing the same scene from mulitple perspectives is very interesting.
Marianna was definetely a well developed and relatable charater. Her personality seemed like a perfect fit for ravenclaw, the way she was very concerned with school and enjoyed intellectual challenges.
I really enjoyed the amount of detail in the story. Since most stories seem to focus on the social aspects of Hogwarts rather than academics, it was a nice change to see such detailed and well thought out explanations of the subject material in their classe and the organization of the library.
So the unnamed Hufflepuff is more than likely Tonks? A strange looking clutz is probably exactly how she might be perceived by somebody who doesn't know her having a bad day.
Good job!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad that you liked the idea- it was a fun thing to do, though difficult at times to write.
I'm also glad that you liked Marianna- I tried to make her realistic and relatable and, of course, Ravenclaw-y. As well, I'm pleased that you liked the amount of detail. I actually ran into some bumps when writing about the curriculum and library because there weren't that many details available on those topics.
And yes, the unnamed Hufflepuff is Tonks- she's featured in the next chapter. Report Review
I was confused at first as to how this would relate to Marianna's egg-filled day, but as I continued to read, I totally saw how this would play out.
Tonks is a good friend for staying with Marcia, isn't she? I would totally be spewing my guts out right next to her if I had to take care of a vomiting friend. Yuck. I love the little bits we got to see of Tonks' characterization between her embarrassment of spilling eggs all over the library book. I especially enjoyed how she took after Ted with his penchant for sleeping through alarms, and I love that a Hufflepuff enchanted their room to be bright in the morning - it's very fitting for their house. :)
I felt so bad for Tonks. I mean, I knew it was coming since I read the first chapter, but I didn't realize it was Tonks that Marianna yelled at. Poor girl, and the fact that her hair turned pink too? Can it get any more embarrassing? I'm going to take a wild guess and say that Marcus is the Slytherin that laughed at Tonks' misfortune? Can't wait to read his thoughts on the event! Hopefully I'll get to it tonight, if not soon. :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I can definitely see how the beginning of this would be confusing but I'm glad that it soon came into place.
Yeah, Tonks is definitely a good friend- I don't know how good I would be either as a help. I'm glad that you liked her characterization as well as all the other little details I included.
Oh- Marianna wasn't very nice to Tonks, was she? And yes, Marcus is the Slytherin who laughed. His part in the story is the reason why I had to label this story 15+ instead of just 12+. Hope you enjoy the last chapter! Report Review
I loved the part about the alarm clock running away from Tonks. Just a little thing, but it was really cute.
Aw, I love Tonks. I didn't even realize it was her in the first chapter, but it makes complete sense :) A clumsy Hufflepuff.
I like how you included her metamorphic abilites, but it wasn't shoved in the readers mind, you just mentioned it casually because her friend was bothered by her hair. I usually see how she changes her hair randomly just because she can, so it was nice to see it not over-used :) (I hope that makes sense..)
I may have just missed it, so forgive me for asking, but why was Marcia sick?
Great chapter! This is a really neat story :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm so glad that you enjoyed Tonks in this chapter- she's a great character to write, especially at this age.
I'm glad that you enjoyed how I included her metamorphic abilities in this chapter- I wasn't intending it to be "in your face" because I don't think Tonks would use her ability in that manner. It's a natural part of her- I don't think that she would view it so much as an amazing and unique talent but rather as something she's always had.
I never included why Marcia was sick- when I was writing it I imagined that it was an ordinary, run-of-the-mill sickness- probably the flu or a simple stomach bug. Even though they're minor, they still manage to make you feel absolutely awful!
I'm glad that you're enjoying the story! Report Review
I've been meaning to read this and when I saw your name in the Review Tag, I had to quickly jump in here before I started my homework. :)
I really enjoyed this. It was excellently written and you have a solid character that is very easy to relate to. I think anyone would be upset with a best friend suddenly disappearing because of a boy, especially since it seems they've been friends for ages, and it certainly threw off Marianna's studying techniques.
I love how you made the library so disorganized and how difficult it was to find the books she needed to pass her class - and I certainly felt frustrated for her because of that, and her roommate stealing her book (whether or not she actually did is still debatable, of course). Madam Pince's warning about how to take care of a book and Marianna's obvious reverence for things of knowledge can make me certainly understand how upset she is when that Hufflepuff spilled eggs on the pages. I'd be angry too!
I also really liked how the eagle knocker gave trickier riddles if you were nice to it - it again shows us how much Marianna enjoys challenges - though apparently not exams that she's ill-prepared for, it seems.
I really enjoyed this and I'll try to get around to reading the remaining chapters as a reward for finishing my homework tonight. Nicely done. :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing; I loved reading your review and it's put a huge smile on my face! I'm so glad that you liked the story- I certainly had a lot of fun writing it!
I'm glad that you think Marianna is easy to relate to- she was a lot of fun to write, partly, I think, because her reactions are similiar to what mine would be in these situations, only more exaggerated. It was quite interesting to get into her head and figure out what would make her annoyed.
I actually thought of the eagle knocker-riddle detail after I was finished writing the majority of her part. I was originally going to write it as "If you were nice to the knocker, it would give you easier riddles" but that's not very Ravenclaw-y, now is it?
I look forward to your future reviews and thanks once again for reviewing! Report Review
I love how you've taken one incident and used it to use other peoples reactions to the spilling of the eggs. And then include the day to day lives of the other people concerned. Good chapter and 10/10.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm so glad that you liked the multi-perspective route I took with this story- I had a lot of fun writing it! Report Review
Yay, Tonks! :)
I'm kind of in love with your characterization here. Was it perhaps inspired indirectly by Remus? That's where my mind went, because I saw parallels between Tonks caring for her sick friend and the fact that such a personality would be necessary to help take care of Remus after his changes.
I liked seeing Tonk's reaction to the infamous "egg incident" here, especially the way you described the girl as being like a bullfrog. It was really humorous to watch it happen this way! Poor Tonks was so embarrassed, and that's so sad and funny at the same time. Again, your imagery with regard to the Slytherin's reaction was very amusing and effective.
Really nice job! I'm looking forward to getting the third point of view -- for some reason, my mind goes to Filch having to clean up the mess, although I suspect it will be Marcia. How did you get the idea for such a unique and creative story?
Wonderful job! :)
AmandaAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I love reading your reviews!
I'm so pleased that you like my characterization that much- I have a huge smile on my face right now. I hadn't thought about the parallel between Marcia and Remus before- I had come up with the "sick friend" so as to explain why on earth Tonks would be leaving the Great Hall with eggs. It definitely seemed to fit with Tonks' character and now I can't stop thinking about the similarities between her current relationship and her future one with Remus...
I'm glad that you liked Tonks' reaction- I had a lot of fun writing it! I actually wrote her point of view before writing Marianna's. I wrote the third chapter last- and I can tell you that it's not from Filch's point of view. :)
I actually came up with this idea from a challenge on the forums- the "Multi-layered Perspective scene" create by acrules. I've always found it interesting to read about the different possible perspectives of the same scene and found it very fun to write a story that way- I'm glad that you think it's unique!
The last chapter is already in the queue- I hope that you like it! Report Review
I loved this chapter. I liked how you had changed the pov's of both girls and told the two different stories about the spilling of the eggs, excellently done.
I hope Tonk's friend likes her new eggs. I wonder what you'll do next? 10/10.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing- I'm so glad that you enjoyed it!
I'm sure that Marianna liked her eggs- Tonks had worked pretty hard to get them to her!
The next chapter is already in the queue! Report Review
Hey, I'm from the Hufflepuff common room topic.
This was a really great first chapter. Marianna was a very easily relatable character, and I really enjoyed the inner dialogue she had throughout the story. The sudden "dissaperance" of a best friend due to a new relationship is hard on anyone, and it sounds like Marianna and her friend were attached at the hip.
I know this is kind of random, but I really like the "having a bad day" theme. It's different, from a lot of the stuff I read. Either it's something catostrophic like Voldemort, or it's a beautiful sunshiney day. This does a brilliant job showing how the little things add up.
Although if someone spilled fried eggs on my Harry Potter books, I'd have a smiliar reaction to Marianna's. Strike that, I'd be worse. :)
I liked the part about the Ravenclaw tower statue, how it gives you harder riddles if you're nice to it. It fits the character you gave her so perfectly that she'd want a challenge.
I'm interested to read more of this, and I'll be watching for updates. You've got a really great start here, to what I'm sure is going to be a excellent story.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm so glad that you enjoyed the chapter and thought that Marianna was realistic- I was really trying to make her real and it's fantastic to hear that it worked. I really did imagine Marianna and her friend to be "attached at the hip"- they spent all of their time together.
I'm glad that you liked the "having a bad day theme"- I've had too many of those days where things go from okay to awful in just a few moments. It happens to everyone.
Haha- yeah, I don't know exactly what I'd do if someone spilt food on my books but it wouldn't be pretty!
I'm glad that you liked the part with the Ravenclaw statue- typically it would be the opposite (easier riddles if you're kind) but that wouldn't fit the stereotype of Ravenclaws at all, now would it?
The next chapter is already in the queue! :) Report Review
Char here with your requested review! I truly loved the other stories Iíve read of yours, so Iím coming to this story with anticipation! Iím sure you wonít disappoint!
Iím wondering where weíll be going with your story being titled ďFried EggsĒ.
My first impressions of Marianna are that sheís studious and loves being able to be the know-it-all but sheís not finding it so easy as, letís say, Hermione would. That transition from being two peas in a pod to suddenly being the third wheel is aptly described here, though you donít necessarily say it. Youíre just describing the feeling and Iím totally getting it! I, unfortunately am of Mariannaís best friend type, having gotten married before my best friend but she bears it up pretty well.
Iím loving the inner monologue of Marianna and the problems sheís having in trying to get the perfect research done for her essay and just about anything youíve described for her. She is so Ravenclaw and Iím interested to hear how her character will develop (if youíve got those plans in mind).
Oh, eggs on a bookÖrightÖI guess I can see where this is going.
So I guess Iím going to have to read your new chapter when it comes out, eh? Not a hardship for me because Iím really enjoying your writing. Not all stories have to start out with explosive action and usually the better ones are the stories that take time to introduce a character first.
Youíre doing quite well on the description. Youíre not spending too much time on the nitty gritty (i.e. the walls were stone with hints of red as she walked at a quarter-time towards the Great Hall, a walk that would take 2.4 minutes) but enough that I know what sheís doing but more to the point, what time of person Marianna is. As Iíve mentioned above, youíve given a distinct impression of her character thatís just a bit uptight and Iím hoping youíre going to develop her into something a little more.
Look me up for another review when Chapter 2 is out! (Or I may just have enough time to stop by and check it out.)Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing- I'm so glad that you enjoy my work.
Haha- you've described Marianna perfectly! Poor Marianna isn't exactly handling her best friend's departure well... It's great to hear that her feelings are coming across nicely!
I had a lot of fun writing Marianna- she is the typical Ravenclaw, so concerned with her studies that it's funny for anyone listening to her. I'm a little bit like her in terms of schoolwork (though not as extreme) and so it was remarkably easy to write her feelings.
I'll definitely request again for chapter 2- I really enjoy reading your reviews! Thanks once again! Report Review
Hi here is your review in response to your appeal on the forums.
This has the makings of being an excellent. I felt sympathy for your main character right away and thought to myself I've been on the same boat.
You tell a great story, nice and clear and no messing around with stuff that really has no meaning. I could imagine everything as the story unfolded. And I always say that you have to grab the readers attention in the first chapter, or else you lose them, and I think you've succeeded in that respect.
I will be adding this to my favs so I can read more when you update. Well done and keep writing.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm so glad that you enjoyed the first chapter and that Marianna came across well. I really wanted to make her real for the readers.
I'm also pleased that you like the way I wrote it- I tried to ensure that the reader was aware of what was happening in the story and I'm glad that came across nicely.
Thanks for adding it to your favourites! The next chapter is already in the queue. Report Review
Hey! Thanks for the swap :)
I really like the detail in this. The intricacy in your explanations makes it easy to see just how bad of a day Marianna is having and why she has so much room to complain. It does a good job of creating sympathy for your OC right off the bat, which is not the easiest thing in the world to do. Well done!
Poor Marianna is really having a bad day. I love the way you created so much sympathy for her and then turned it right on its head by revealing her snappy, overly serious nature. Her thoughts were pretty amusing, especially when she was dealing with the Hufflepuff whose eggs ruined her book.
This is a very interesting start to a story, and I'll be looking forward to see where you take it from here. The flow is great and I like how you've taken time to walk us through each moment of Marianna's rough day. I'll be interested to see where Tonks comes in and if things ever begin to look up for poor Marianna. Your imagery is very good, especially your description of the spread of food - I just ate dinner, and I'm already hungry for breakfast after reading this! :) I didn't notice any mistakes, either, which is always refreshing.
Excellent! I'll probably be back for chapter two. Thanks again!
AmandaAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm so glad that you liked the detail- I really was trying to make Marianna a character in her own right instead of just a flat original character.
Marianna was quite fun to write- she's so serious about her studies and doesn't like anything to get in her way regarding them. Her speech, which appears in full in the next chapter, was one of my favourite things to write for this story.
I'm glad that you liked the flow and the level of description in this story- Tonks is featured in the next chapter. The next chapter is already in the queue if you're interested. :)
Thanks once again for the review! I really appreciate it. Report Review
Hello! Poor Marianna, I see where she's coming from though, books are important! I liked your opening chapter, you've set the plot nicely and you're character is fleshed out. :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing- I'm so glad that you liked this chapter and Marianna. I tried to make her real and it's great to hear that it came through. Report Review
Oh poor Mariana! Sometimes it's not my day, either, but what a way to start a chapter. I enjoyed it, and even though I felt bad, I think it was nice to start it with something new, and having a bad day is rather new for me, anyway.
Well, congrats on your new story :) I had fun reading it.
LizzieAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing- I'm so glad that you found Marianna relatable and this story enjoyable to read. I was trying to create a real character and I'm glad that it came across. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection