Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.
First off, I have to say that you write very well. Technically solid, no typos or mistakes, good mix of dialog and narrative... just all around pleasant and easy to read.
The subject matter was a very interesting choice. I like you you played up the twin dynamic, initially setting up Lysander to suffer the brunt of his twin's angst, then gradually bringing them back together as Lorcan heals. This was also one of the more interesting portrayals of Luna that I've read, even though her "speaking part" is fairly brief. The way she faltered a bit, looking for words, is unique. I suppose motherhood could do that to a person.
Lucy is a fun character. Clearly she inherited more of her grandmother's sense of empathy and "mothering" skills than her father's. All of the little things she does to draw Lorcan out of his funk were well written.
The only thing that I think would have made the story a little more enjoyable for me is an explanation of how Lorcan got hurt in the first place. I realize it's not really germane to the healing process, but Luna's comments about his "experiments" made me really curious. It would also help to add a bit of color, one way or the other, about whether he has any reason to be upset with Lysander or he's just brooding.
Overall, terrific story!Author's Response: I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond to this. I read it and loved it forever ago! But I've been so busy that I haven't gotten around to many review responses lately.
Anyhow, thanks for the review tag! I really appreciate it. I did want to play up the twin dynamic. I mean, I know next to nothing about being a twin, since I'm not one, but people always associate twins together and they're viewed as equals in so many ways so I just thought it'd be very hard for Lorcan to have to deal with feeling inferior. I'm glad you liked the brief Luna scene. I've never been very strong at writing her, IMO, but I knew I didn't want to write her the same as she was during her Hogwarts days. I'm glad you felt that it was fitting.
Lucy is very fun! I've found that I've been writing her a lot, and always in very different ways. But I especially liked her in this, because she's so caring and lovely.
I tried to work in more of an explanation so many times, but it just never worked and it always made me cringe. I just didn't like it that way, but I wish I could have worked something in that would have fit and kept up with the flow.
Thanks so much!! Report Review
Hey there, this is flamel.alchemy from the forums with your review. :)
First off, I want to say that this was very well written. The flow of the story was good, the way you marked the dates with the spaces. The only error that I found, grammar wise was "I hand her back the vial" maybe it could be re-written into this: "I handed her the vial."
In your request you asked about it being vague. To be completely honest I was confused as to what happened to Lorcan until he was talking with his mother. It might be better for the reader to revise a little and explain what happened, maybe a flashback? It would certainly help with the flow.
The characterization was well written also. I think that your Lucy is original, selfless, bubbly. I liked her. My overall opinion of the story is that it's got a good plot line, and you could even do more with it, expand it into a novel. And it was very well written. Good job!
10/10Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks for reviewing! I really appreciate it.
I'm glad you thought it flowed well, that's always a big concern with writing. I do agree that the wording in that sentence is a bit awkward but actually, saying "I handed her the vial" would contradict the present tense of the story. Sometimes I do struggle with those little snippets of wording, though. One of those things, haha.
I guess I've always been an intentionally vague writer (particularly with one-shots) but yet I always worry over whether or not it's too much (or too little, I suppose). It's definitely not something everyone likes and I did consider a flashback or something, but I felt it would be a little misplaced. Still, I struggled a lot with getting what little explanation there was. In one of the first drafts, it was left completely up to interpretation.
I'm glad you enjoyed the characterization. I really like Lucy, and I actually just realized a bit ago that the last three stories all have her in them and all three versions of her are so different. I rather like this Lucy, though. As you said, she's bubbly. I probably could expand it into a novel if I had the inspiration, but I doubt I ever would. Although I am very much considering a follow-up one-shot.
Thanks again for the review! (: Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
I quite enjoyed reading this story- I think that you did a great job of building a whole story line in a small period of time.
The flow was very smooth from point to point and the addition of the dates helped the reader to keep track of what was going on. Without them, the flow would have seemed choppy, but they helped to establish a rhythm.
I don't think that this story needs anymore details- I understood the major plot points: Lorcan injured himself in an experiment and Lucy is the nurse assigned to him. I think that you did a great job of explaining why she was there (the familiarity) and also of showing Lorcan's injuries. It would have been weird for him to go on this long description of his injuries, but the casual references here and there really helped to build a picture in the reader's mind. So, in short, this story wasn't too vague- in fact, more details would slow down the quick flow of the story.
As for the characterizations, I liked the way you wrote Lucy and Lorcan. In Lucy you can see hints of Percy (her reaction to physical compliments, her strict adherence to procedure) and Lorcan (and it sounds like Lysander as well) are inventors, just like their grandmother (Luna's mother). You've managed to tie their personalities into bits of canon that we know. However, I was a little more unsure about Luna's characterization. I know that she might have been tamed by motherhood and adulthood, but she seemed a little too normal. Though you did have her have insight into her son's personality, she just didn't feel quite as Luna-ish to me (that could be because you don't have her remarking on any strange creatures that might or might not exist).
I also enjoyed watching the progression of Lucy and Lorcan's relationship. You didn't have it speed along and you didn't start them off as immediately being buddy-buddy, which was realistic. I found it interesting that they didn't know each other too well, but it did make sense in the way that you explained it. Of course, at gatherings as large as the Weasleys, there would be plenty of other people to socialize with so they might never have actually spoken until Lucy was assigned to be his nurse.
As I said before, I think that you did a great job with this story. The flow was smooth, the description good enough so that the readers could get a sense of what was happening in the story and the friendship-turned-relationship between Lucy and Lorcan was interesting and happened in a realistic manner. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful!Author's Response: Hi! I'm sorry I didn't respond to this review earlier, I was able to read it but my internet went out and I never got to respond! But I finally have my internet back so I can respond now(:
I'm glad you thought the dates were a positive addition. In the beginning, I didn't have them, but I needed a way to show the passage of time. I didn't want to give the impression that all of this was happening too fast, like every section was the next day or something. I wanted to stretch it a bit more than that, so the dates seemed to make sense.
Eee! It makes me very happy that you felt the amount of detail was enough. I completely agree - it would have been weird to have a full description because it's not like people really catalogue things like that in their thoughts, which would have been what Lorcan was doing had he done that. Does that sentence make sense? I think I'm rambling. I'm prone to do that.
Ah, I totally understand the Luna comments. I don't think I've ever had a good grasp on writing Luna's character. I absolutely adore her and I wish I could do her better justice but I've never been able to write her as well as she deserves. But I'm glad you liked Lucy and Lorcan's character! I think one of the most appealing things about next gen characters is that their personalities are up to the imagination, if you don't follow the cliches that have popped up in the fanfic world for them.
I figured the extend of Lucy and Lorcan's existing relationship was up to interpretation. I mean, it would make sense for them to know each other very well but I also think it makes sense that maybe they don't. Although their families are great friends, it wouldn't necessarily mean they talked a lot, so I'm glad that it came off in a way that made sense.
Thank you so much for the lovely review! I really appreciate it and your comments were definitely helpful. Thanks again! :) Report Review
Number one fan girl has arrived!
It's been too long since I've read some of your stuff Erica, I'm all too glad I've fixed that! ♥
ack, this is beautiful. I really liked the structure of it, the gaps of time worked really well and overall there was this amazing sense of progression that is just so satisfying in a story ♥
And your characterisations! I loved them so much. You really feel for Lorcan, I liked how he was almost selfish in the beginning he was so absorbed with his own misery (understandable)...you saw how he 'healed' as it went on.
I adored your characterisation of Lucy! She seemed so distinct considering one of my favourite things was the subtlety of the characterisations. The way Lorcan described her and percieved her wasn't too detailed and yet all the emotions and developing relationship was there. I loved the things that he noticed about her. It was such a lovely growing relationship, nothing too flowery or fanciful just subtle and so sweet ack ♥
Also loved the sideplot of his recovering relationship with his brother and how that reflected him finding /himself/ again. And it worked well swapping between that recovering relationship with Lysander and the developing one of Lucy.
Also the plot...! The slight mystery it gave it was wonderful and all very intriguing ;)
Ending was the best thing ever and I loved the dialogue between them. Moar plzums ♥ ♥Author's Response: So. It totally hasn't been almost four months since you left this review. Nope. Definitely not. ANYWAY, HELENA, I LURVE YOU THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING MY THINGS YOU ARE SO LOVELY I ADORE YOU.
Eee! Lucy and Lorcan are so adorbz together. I really liked writing them in this because they just seemed so lovely together. And yeah, I didn't get too detailed with the descriptions about her because I didn't want the story to be like him being in love with her the whole time. Because he wasn't. So yer. Thanks for da appreciation yo.
LORCAN LYSANDER TWIN LOVE IS SO PRECIOUS. It really, really is.
Thanks so much for reviewing m'dear. Sorry for taking so long to reply. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU. Report Review
Okay, so here's what's going to happen. You're going to write a novel-length story that begins on their first date and depicts the ups and downs (mostly fluffy ups) of their relationship of hot burning love. Because this one-shot is not enough.
Lucy was adorable, and for some reason I kept picturing Julia as her. Lorcan abusing compliments just to make her blush, oh my god, that is my entire high school life with this pack of boys who realized my face gets about as red as a tomato when I'm complimented. It's really awful. I wanted to smack Lorcan in the face. But I also wanted him to start mauling her with his lurve. He was real and she was real and the story had a lovely splash of mystery to it with the burns and experiment gone wrong. The whole thing was very beautifully written, and watching Lorcan's progression from a vegetable hermit lying there feeling sorry for himself to a man who could swallow his pride long enough to take a walk outside was very entertaining. By the end, I was ready to throttle Lorcan if he let her leave his flat without making a move, and gave a little cheer when he asked her out.
Brilliantly written! YOU NEED TO WRITE MOAR STUFFS, HOKAY? NAO. With more under-appreciated characters that don't get enough face time in fanfic, like Lucy and Lorcan. And their infinite love. ♥Author's Response: SOROH. :D
Oh, in a perfect world, my love. In a perfect world. However, you know how I am about writing. I say I will write certain things but then go off and write other things instead. Or don't write at all. Anyway..
Lucy is adorable and hehehe Juliaaa! That's funny. :3 Baww, boys are funny like that, aren't they? The sillies. I really loved writing this, because I just thought Lucy and Lorcan were so adorable and it was so much fun, even though there were some sad parts. Usually my sad one-shots are just sad and don't have happy endings, so I rather enjoyed writing this one where the characters were actually happy in the end, lol.
IF YOU SAY SO SARAH. Thanks for reviewing dear! Sorry I took so long to respond! Report Review
I still love this story. I loved it before you wrote it and while you were writing it and I shall continue to love it now it has been posted and the whole world can feel sorry for Lorcan properly. ♥ (And that was a really, really dreadful run-on sentence, but my brain is a fast talker.)
My absolute favorite thing about this -- and I'm not sure I ever told you this, but here it is anyway -- is your characterization of Lucy. I'm reading more and more next generation lately, and what I'm finding I love about it that I didn't notice before is now differently all the characters act. But yours is just -- I can /so/ see her as you write her, and I don't know why. Her character has such a bright, pale yellow color, the color of warmth and sunshine and lovely, happy things, and she just meshes as Lorcan's caregiver so well it's just... I am so, so glad you wrote her the way she is. :)
I think my favorite line in the entire thing was this --
Our smiles are still the same. Our hair is still the same color, even if mine is still short from being singed. And our eyes are still the same green, despite the scar I have under my left eyebrow. Weíre still brothers.
It really shows how far Lorcan came in healing his mental processes, and it's just gorgeous writing, really. Very natural but there's a universal truth in that sameness, and maybe I'm getting all literary-analysis here, but I thought it was beautiful. Here, have a bag of feels, on me. ♥
I really loved this story, Erica, and I think you pulled it off tremendously. This is seriously just... so good. :D And if it pulled you out of your writing funk, so much the better! Love you -- and thank you so much for the shout-out, it it just love. ♥ O OM NOT WORTHY.Author's Response: HELLO DEAR. SORRY THIS HAS TAKEN ME THREE MONTHS TO RESPOND TO.
Eee! I'm so glad you like this story. This is one of my one-shots that I'm most proud of. AND YES LUCY IS /SO/ PALE YELLOW AND SUNSHINE. SHE IS THE DEFINITION. I love her in this. She was the absolute perfect person for Lorcan in this.
Baww. I felt so cheesy writing that line, but I love it so much. It just made all OMG THEYRE BROTHERS THEY LOVE EACH OTHER HOW PRECIOUS. And they are precious, ofc.
You are so lovely for giving me this gorgeous review, dear. It's been making me smile for three months now, lolol.
ILY JANE UR DA BESTEST. Report Review
Erica is has been tooo longgg.
Heee, bonding over food. My favorite kind of bonding. You go, Lucy. Gah I want to know what's wronggg D:
It seems that my resistance toward all things social has finally paid off, and everyone has decided to leave me alone. Funny how thatís all Iíve wanted for weeks and now that I have it, I donít feel happy or relieved at all. I just feel alone. ;_;
Burns D: I love how Lucy is prepared though. YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD NURSE, LU. I don't know why, but I really like how you ended that section with This isnít really an important detail, but itís the only one I can dispute. It's kind of like a little way of showing how Lorcan's opening up.
Because I used to be him. I remember the bit at the beginning now, and now it all makes sense! I just want to crush all of them in a hug now D:
D'aww everything's okay in the end. I'M HAPPY NOW :3 All the fuzzies.
♥Author's Response: Ginaaa(: U iz so cool for leeving me a review.
Mmm. Food bonding. I am on my way to have some food bonding with my sister in a little bit. Mucho excited. WE ALWAYS GET ALONG WHEN THERE IS FOOD, IT IS MAGIC.
I felt so angsty writing that section. And it was actually rather difficult to convince myself to leave it in there but I think I'm glad I did.
LUCY IS SUCH A CHAMP NURSE. I spelt that 'nirse' at first, lololol erica what is your lifee. And yess, Lorcan finally beginning to open up and see the error of his bitter and angsty ways yayaya. :D
Baww. All the hugs for Lorcan and Lucy and Lysander and errrbody.
THANKYOUSOMUCHGINAILY Report Review
THIS IS SO PRECIOUS. LUCY/LORCAN 4 LYFE.
In all seriousness, you're an amazing writer, and I am surprised that I haven't actually read more of your writing! (Woe is meee.) The little details you thought to add, the gentleness of the flow, the way that I believe each of the relationships, even though we see them in snapshot style, even though there isn't a whole lot of actual interaction to see--it feels true, like it's happening, like someone's just telling me the story of their life.
I enjoy the fact that you didn't feel the need to have a dramatic reveal; that things are a bit ambiguous, because I often feel that relationships are the realest casualty of "accidents." I can imagine that it makes Luna really nervous, though, since what with her mom and everything.
I really love this: Our smiles are still the same. Our hair is still the same color, even if mine is still short from being singed. And our eyes are still the same green, despite the scar I have under my left eyebrow. Weíre still brothers.
It's perfect. It's the best way anybody could ever say it, I'm fairly convinced.
Anyways, this is a gorgeous dive back into the realm of fic, thanks so much for sharing (h)Author's Response: LOLY THO OZTOC WORROOR, HOLLO.
Woe is me as well because I absolutely need to read more of your darling writing! I'm so glad you liked this, Lily. You're a warrior princess so your opinion means a lot to me. Might also be because you're a fantastic writer. Snapshot style, I like that term. That's pretty much exactly what I was going for. I wanted to show the development of the relationships, but I didn't want to show everything. I didn't want to record every moment. Just things that were significant in some way, even if they were significant by being somewhat insignificant. Let's pretend that made sense. Okay? Okay.
Eee, yes. The missing dramatic reveal. I know some readers would prefer to have something like that but I can never bring myself to write something like that. I just prefer being a bit ambiguous.
I don't even really know where that line came from, but people seem to really like it so I'm glad I added it in! I like it, too. It makes me want to pinch Lorcan's cheeks and be all U SO CUTE.
Thank you so much for reviewing, Lily dear! Report Review
I know I have read drafts of this before, but this final draft of it was gorgeous. It wasn't overtly dramatic or angsty or fluffy, but instead it was very realistic. The slow process that is healing and dealing and accepting. I know that in dealing in serious injuries, a lot of the healing process is the injured person accepting and wanting to heal and I saw a lot of that in this piece. Your writing was beautiful, hon, and you better be doing more of it soon. I don't want to have to wait another six months to read something of yours.
MelissaAuthor's Response: Aw, Mel. Stop. You're making me blush. All your talk of how realistic and sense-making this story is. You're a doll. And let's pretend I didn't just say 'sense-making' because I don't think that word is very sense-making. Thank you so much!! YOUR WRITING IS BEAUTIFUL, TOO. And I promise it won't be another six months. I shall post something soon. Scout's owner. ILY. Report Review
Oh, it's here! I know I read this last night, but I adored it, and I'm going to read it again. Lucy and the Scamanders are particular favourites of mine, next-gen wise, so this is pretty much a winning combo.
I love the tone of this. It's quite blunt in places, so it really gets Lorcan's feelings across. (I'm listening to some pretty angsty music as I read this, so bear with me if I get a bit like all my feels all my creys)
I really like how you kind of...tell us things, but don't tell us things. Like, we don't really know what happened to Lorcan, there isn't much backstory there. I like the ambiguity; already I'm processing my own little devious backstory full of scandal and such.
A million scattered slivers of glass on the floor that could no longer show me all the things I didnít want to see. - I adore this line! Woah, Lorcan, u so bitter.
I ship Lucy and Lorcan so hard. So hard.
Our smiles are still the same. Our hair is still the same color, even if mine is still short from being singed. And our eyes are still the same green, despite the scar I have under my left eyebrow. Weíre still brothers. - I love this line too! He's healing, damnit, he's healing and errthing will be okay (I told you I'd whop out the feels and the creys).
Anyway, thank you for writing this! It's absolutely lovely and sad and optimistic at the end and lots of things rolled together into one big beautiful fic. May the puffins forever rave with you. ♥Author's Response: Hehe Juliar feel free to let loose all the feels and creys at all time. ALL THE FEELS AND CREYSSS~
Vague one-shots are my specialty. Mhmm mhmm. Explaining things is like a disease I avoid at all costs. Why have backstory when you can just have an angsty Lorcan trollin Lucy.
Oh god. That line is such bitter!Lorcan. It's so bitter and angsty, in fact, that I question myself for having written it. MAYBE I AM HAVING ALL THE FEELS TOO.
LUCY AND LORCAN ARE ADORBZ. I ship them as well.
Baww. Lorcan is just so lovely in that line. He's all I'M NOT PERFECT BUT I WILL BE OKAY. WHEE.
Thank you for reviewing this my dear Julia! May the puffins forever rave with you as well. Report Review
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